


Tulips of Love

by twohearts221b



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Attempted Murder, Child Abuse, Depression, Drinking, Drowning, Drugs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Funny, Gay Marriage, Kidnapping, Letters, Love, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Near Death, Pre and Post Reichenbach, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Reichenbach Feels, Sexual Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Teenlock, Texting, Verbal Abuse, War, but so so happy, its really depressing..
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-11
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2017-12-29 03:12:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 111,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1000193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twohearts221b/pseuds/twohearts221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes... Life is shit, but you just have to keep moving on. It likes to throw twists and turns and no matter how much you want to give up, you have to keep moving forward. <br/>Sherlock and John's life are far from easy. They've gone through far more than any teenage boy ever has to go through. They are both so alone in the universe... until one day a miracle happens.<br/>No, life isn't easy... but with the right people in your life... they can soften the blows and make it so much better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this going to fuck everything up or will there be a second note thing? Like I'm so confused... but there are so many errors in this fic and it's actually doing like really good so I feel like a rude arse twat that you guys have to deal with all the errors so I'm fixing it up because I swear I have slight OCD along with my ADHD... and I don't even know why I'm writing this, but I see 'Notes' and if you are new here you will understand that I LOVE my notes towards the later chapters like 12 and up... so Yeah... Notes... mmm
> 
> GOD I HAVE TO PEE!!! 
> 
> But if it does fuck everything up imma lay it down again! (And by everything I mean will this get rid of my previous note... see my first assumption would be 'why yes whitney! It would! Don't be a Pillock!' but I legitally just read a fanfic that had TWO END NOTES!!!!!! O_o )
> 
> This story is going to be filled with loads of fluff and angst and humour and heartbreak and everything because I love feels! Also I'm a lame arse American and I don't know how the school system works over there so you can all suck it up because I'm going off my school system thingy! gah! #Lameos

“John!! It’s time to get up!!” Mrs. Watson called from downstairs.

John rolled over in bed and groaned. Last night his dad had come home drunk and John had gotten the worst of it.  Not that that was a surprise to John or anything; he always received the worst of his father’s “drinking spells” as John liked to call them. He rolled out of bed and landed on the floor with a thud. His room was neat and tidy and there wasn’t a thing out of place. It had to be, though, because the rest of the house was a nightmare. Not all the time… sometimes his mother tidied it up. The order never seemed to last long, however. Once his father came home, his house would return to a hell hole.

John took a shower and got dressed. He brushed and flossed his perfect teeth and then went downstairs to say ‘goodbye’ to his mum and sister.

“Bye, Mummy!” he said with a smile which was held for two reasons. The first was because he was always happy to see his mother, but the second was because his father had already left and he didn’t have to deal with him.

“Oh…” His mother blinked. “Bye… aren’t you going to eat something with your sister and I before you go?”

John shook his head and then kissed her on the cheek. “Not today, Mum. I’m late for school and Mr. Picklewickle hates it when we are late,” he snickered to himself.

John’s mother looked at him like he had lost his marbles. “Picklewickle…?” 

“Yes! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I am late!” He smiled again and grabbed an orange from the counter, then dashed out the door.

~O~

John hated school.  He really did. He struggled a lot and didn’t know how to do the majority of things. His family didn’t have a lot of money so they couldn’t pay for a tutor either. 

The bell rang and he made his way to his last class of the day… chemistry. This was John’s least favourite class. He found it pointless and boring; although, this was mainly because he didn’t understand it. John sat with his rugby friends in the back of the class like he always did. He was in his own little world when suddenly one of them nudged John in the side.

“What the hell?” he whispered. “What was that for?”

Brian smirked, “Watch this, mate.” He finished folding a paper aeroplane that he had been working on for half of the class period and threw it. It flew through the air until it hit the brainiac of the class – Sherlock Holmes - right in the head. “Bingo!” Brian snickered and gave Zack a high five. 

John rolled his eyes and went back to what he was doing previously. Brian and John were the captains of the rugby team, but sometimes John just wanted to punch him. Brian was tall- very tall, lean, extremely fit, and had short, blond hair on top of his head. Brian was considered attractive, but John was a guy so he couldn’t know something like that. 

John looked up at the assaulted Sherlock just as he groaned and crumpled up the paper. Sure, Sherlock was a little weird, but that didn’t give Brain, Zack, and the rest of the rugby players the right to tease him. He sighed and left it alone when Brian nudged him again. “Oh my hell, will you stop that! What?”

Brian snickered, “Truth or Dare?”

“Wha-- Really? We are going to do this now? No. I’m trying to learn!” This was a complete lie. John wasn’t even paying attention.

“John, no you aren’t… Come on! It will be fun. Now, Truth or Dare?”

“Ugh! Fine!” The faster John participated, the faster they would leave him alone. “Dare.”

“I dare you to go sit with the little freak.” Brian and Zack laughed simultaneously because they thought this happened to be the funniest thing in the universe.

“No, I’m not—“ John smirked to himself. That wasn’t a bad idea actually. If John was next to Sherlock, John’s friends couldn’t bug him. “Alright, fine.” 

Zack and Brian nudged each other and laughed as John rolled his eyes and grabbed his books. When the teacher wasn’t looking, John dashed up to the empty seat next to Sherlock and sat down. He didn’t say anything he just resumed his drawing. Hopefully, if he was lucky, Sherlock would leave him alone. 

Naturally, Sherlock did the opposite. Sherlock looked over at John, then to the front of the class, then back at John. He noticed that John was drawing a picture of a dragon and it was actually really good… not that he would ever admit that to a rugby player. “You shouldn’t be drawing, you know... You should be paying attention to the lesson.”

“I’ll do whatever the hell I want,” John snapped, albeit a little harsher than he meant it to be. “This worksheet is shite anyway. It’s pointless and dumb.”

“Fascinating use of words,” Sherlock said dryly. “I assume you are drawing all over your homework because maybe, perhaps, you don’t get it?”

John froze, but then returned to his drawing. “No! I get how to do it just fine!”

“Ah, but you don’t.” Sherlock studied John's actions and then before he could stop himself, he said something that was shocking coming out of his mouth. “I could help you if you want.”

“No. I don’t need your help because I get it just fine!” He snapped, getting defensive. “Now leave me alone!”

Sherlock did another thing that surprised him. He listened to John and proceeded to leave him alone… Sherlock never did – does – that; it was entirely out of character. Sherlock classified it as a random act of kindness and then returned to his worksheet.

John felt stupid as he continued to draw his dragon, especially after he just told Sherlock that he knew how to do it.  He flipped his paper over to the front and stared at question one. The question just seemed to blend together and make no sense at all. After staring blankly at his paper for an interminable amount of time, he looked at Sherlock, then to his paper, then back to Sherlock again where he was about to open his mouth to speak, but then his stubbornness reared its head and he resolutely did not turn to Sherlock for help. He transfixed his stare right back to the bastard of a conundrum that was his worksheet.

Sherlock smirked to himself. John was adorable… adorable in ways you can find people adorable without getting sentimental, of course. He looked at John. “Problem?”

John groaned and banged his head down on the desk. “Yes…” he woefully moaned into the hard surface. 

Sherlock smiled and took John's paper from him. For the rest of the class period he helped John understand how to go through the motions of working through the problems. As the class period neared the end, the worksheet was almost complete. John was surprised to find that he actually enjoyed learning the material with Sherlock’s help and methods; he would even venture to say that he had fun working on it. When the bell rang, John stood up getting ready to leave just as Sherlock put his pen away and stacked his books and papers into a tidied pile to be picked up.

“Thanks,” John muttered as he shoved his worksheet into his bag.

“Nonsense. It was no problem at all,” Sherlock smiled. He opened his mouth to say something as he grabbed up his things, but was stopped as Brian and Zack came up and knocked into him hard, causing his books and worksheets to be thrown all over the floor. 

“Watch it, _Sherlick_!” Brian laughed.

Sherlock huffed as he rolled his eyes. He was about to open his mouth to say something about how being sacked too many times on the rugby field can cause brain damage just as John cut him off, “Really, Brian? What are you? Five? Help Sherlock pick up his stuff and then go. I’m tired of you picking on people just because they’re different.”

Brian scoffed, “I’m not helping him. He’s a freak,” he grumbled as he kicked some of the books and papers across the room as he made his way towards the door. “Yeah, nice try, mate, but I’m gonna head home now.” He nudged on Zack and together the two of them and the rest of the team walked out of the room. 

John sighed and shook his head. He bent down and started helping Sherlock pick up his things. “You should ignore them. They’re just a couple of idiotic twats who think they are better than everyone when in fact they are just like everyone else.” 

Ignoring the voice inside his head that wanted to remind John that John himself was one of them, Sherlock instead felt something inside of him jump. Then for the third time that day, he surprised himself. “Do you want to walk home together…?”

John jolted at the idea, then shook it off and nodded. “Yeah, alright,” he smiled. He was always so lonely on the walk home. 

Sherlock grabbed the last of his pencils that had fallen and together they stood up then walked out of the school and onto the pavement. Sherlock didn’t really know how to start conversation so he kind of awkwardly started, “So… where do you live?”

John froze, but then quickly recovered. “Oh... just, you know, over there…” He pointed straight in front of them, “You’ll be home before me though.”

Sherlock blinked. “You know where I live?….”

“No! No... No, I don’t... I’m just saying that you probably live closer to the school than I do, that’s all.”

Sherlock nodded and they kept walking. Soon, they were nearing Sherlock’s house, but Sherlock didn’t stop. “See that house there?” Sherlock pointed.

John looked to where the long and slender hand gestured to and he nodded. “Yeah it’s huge. What about it?”

“It’s my house.” 

“Oh… well then I guess this is goodbye. See you on Monday?” John said, a little sad that their time together was over.

“Nonsense. Isn’t the point of walking home together… walking home together? It would be rude of me if I let you walk the rest of the way by yourself.”

John started to panic. “No, Sherlock you really don’t have to do that… and when I say ‘really’ I mean you _really_ don’t have to do that.” 

“No…” Sherlock said slowly, “But I want to…”

John took a deep breath, “Look, Sherlock, I know you may want to, but you can’t… so, I will see you in chemistry on Monday, alright?” He started to walk away, quickly, just as Sherlock ran to catch up to him.

“You aren’t getting away from me that easily… what are you hiding?” He cocked his head a little to the side and gave John a look that immediately reminded him of a confused cat. “If it’s because you live in a smaller house than me, well don’t be embarrassed... a lot of people live in small houses.”

“How reassuring,” John said, deadpanned. “No... It’s not that, it’s……” John took a deep breath, “you wouldn’t be able to get back to your house.”

Sherlock raised an eyebrow. “Of course I would… it’s called legs. Unless you planned on turning me into an invalid upon the arrival of your home, I would just take the route back to my house, John.” 

“No! It will be too late and I won’t let you walk home alone in the dark!” John snapped before he could stop himself.

Sherlock stepped closer to him, “John… what do you mean…?”

“I mean that I live two hours away on foot!  Neither my mother nor my father will drive me and I’m too far away from school for any busses… by the time we get to my house, it will be late. Then, once you dropped me off, you would be left to walk all by yourself for another two hours – in the dark, mind you – to once again reach your home!” John groaned.

“Then we had better get started,” Sherlock smirked.

“What? I told you, you aren’t coming!”

“On the contrary. I am coming and I will walk home. I usually go for walks late at night anyway. It really isn’t a big deal, John.”

John sighed dramatically, seeing this for the losing battle that it was. “Fine! But if you die by some crazy mugger, I’ll murder you!”

“How can you murder me if I’m already dead?” Sherlock replied smoothly. 

“Tosser,” John smirked and bumped into him with his side.

“Always,” Sherlock shot back with a grin. He had never had a friend before and John made him feel happy. He briefly wondered if this was what having a friend felt like as they walked in comfortable silence. After a long while John spoke up.

“So Sherlock, tell me… what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Sherlock looked to John as he replied, “I want to be a consulting detective.”

John nodded as he continued to walk, pondering on what the fuck a consulting detective could possibly be. He then shook his head, finally giving up and just decided to ask. “What is that…?”

“It’s a job that I’m going to invent.” Sherlock proudly stuck his chest out. 

“Of course you are…” John replied with a hint of sarcasm. “And what does being a ‘consulting detective’ consist of?”

“When the police are out of their depths, they will consult me and I will solve their problems… because let’s be honest, the police don’t have any idea what they are doing one hundred percent of the time.”

John giggled. “Yeah, only there is one problem with your plan.”

Sherlock was confused, “And what is that?”

 “The police don’t consult amateurs.”

Sherlock glared at John. “You don’t want me coming to your house for two reasons. The first being that you are actually worried about my safety and don’t want me walking home in the dark. The second is that your house is small and you are embarrassed by it. Perhaps because of the neighbourhood, but more likely the fact that it’s a mess inside. You keep your room very clean though – spotless in fact. It makes you feel better about the whole situation in general. Your father is a drunk and is abusive and your mother is rarely around. When she is, you are happy to see her, but you can’t help but feel a little angry that she does nothing about your father and his drinking. You have a brother at home named Harry who you are the closest with, but you two aren’t actually that close. You feel alone in the world and you’re afraid to tell your mother – let alone your father – that you—“ He stopped himself. He was surprised for the fourth time that day.  He never stops himself! But there was something about John that he didn’t want to risk losing… John made him happy and that was something he hadn’t experienced in a long time.

“That I what…?” John blinked. ‘That was brilliantly fantastic! How did he know all of those things? Why did he stop…?’ John thought in a daze. Sure it was a little embarrassing that Sherlock knew all of those things, but that was the least of his worries. Especially when even knowing these things, Sherlock didn’t seem bothered by it – or jeering.

“Nothing… it doesn’t matter… it was a shot in the dark, really... I don’t even know if it is true... best not to say it….” he blabbered. ‘Great, now I’m blabbering,’ he thought bitterly to himself. John was capable of doing strange things to him and he wasn’t sure he liked it. He wasn’t sure he didn’t like it, either.

“Sherlock… that was amazing! I don’t care if it is a ‘shot in the dark’ as you so wonderfully put it… I want to know if you got it right.” John said as he ran a little ahead of Sherlock and stopped in front of him before walking backwards.

“Uhh… I’d rather not… I do not wish to offend you in any way,” he said hesitantly. 

John frowned, but then smiled again, “And what if I promise that I won’t be offended?”

“You will be… I can almost guarantee it…” He had to make his walking slower because John wasn’t a very fast walker, especially when he was walking backwards. 

“Sherlock, please just tell me,” John gave him the puppy dog eyes and Sherlock thought he looked adorable, once again.

“Fine… but remember this is a shot in the dark and I really don’t want you to be mad. And I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship because I seem to have grown atta—“

“Sherlock,” John giggled, “it won’t, I promise. Just what is it?”

Sherlock took a deep breath. “You don’t want to tell your parents that you might be gay…”

John blinked and stopped walking. He turned his body so he was walking next to Sherlock’s once again and didn’t say anything for a long while. His mind was spinning and he felt a little sick. He wasn’t mad at Sherlock at all, God no, but he hadn’t told anyone that and it felt all the more real to have it be out in the open. 

Sherlock was feeling awful. He didn’t want to tell John, but he did and now John hated him. He wanted to say something, but decided against it. It wouldn’t be a good thing. What could he even say?

“How did you know..?” John asked softly after what felt like ages to Sherlock.

“You umm... you were checking out a group of guys as we left the school… like I said it was just a guess.”

“It may have been just a guess, but my hell you were right,” John looked over at Sherlock and grinned. “I’m just… confused right now… but what about you?”

“What about me?” Sherlock asked, confused that John wasn’t angry about the whole ordeal.

“What do you prefer?” John rolled his eyes, but was smiling at Sherlock.

“Oh... Umm neither... I find the whole relationship process to be tedious and tiresome. I’m sorry, but why aren’t you mad?”

“Because what you said was true… it also happened to be extraordinary, completely and utterly extraordinary…” 

Sherlock was taken aback by this. “That’s not what people normally say…”

“And what do people normally say?” John grinned.

“Piss off,” Sherlock said smugly. They both fell into a fit of laughter and John leaned against Sherlock for support. Sherlock liked it when John touched him. He also liked John's smile, his laugh, the way he talked, his voice, his beautiful dark blue eyes, and his perfect teeth. Sherlock liked everything about John and he caught himself thinking that he wanted to be the cause of his smile and his laugh as much as he possibly could. 

John finally calmed down and started walking normally again. He actually missed leaning up against Sherlock, but Sherlock had made it clear that he wasn’t into anyone. “Is there a reason for that..?” he asked out loud. 

“I suppose people don’t like to be confronted with their problems…” he shrugged.

“No... No, sorry. Not that... is there a reason you don’t like anybody?”

“Oh... actually yes.” He surprised himself again at the fact that he actually admitted to it. He should just get used to the fact that John was going to keep surprising him. “Caring isn’t an advantage.” 

John frowned and looked at him. “That’s not true… Why would you say that? Did something happen, Sherlock..?”

He almost told John to forget about it, but he didn’t because it was the least he could do for practically outing John. He also got himself into this mess and it would be a dick move to back out now… and he trusted John. “When I was six I liked this girl named Vanessa… I would watch her a lot, sounds creepy now that I say it, but I was young and awkward.”

“Still are,” John smirked

Sherlock rolled his eyes, “Do you want to hear my story or not?”

“Right, sorry. Please continue!” 

“As I said I used to watch her a lot. One day I decided to go talk to her and she seemed nice enough so I came out with my confession and told her how I felt… she laughed at me and said that no one would ever like a freak like me… I went home and cried and told myself that I didn’t need anyone. I could live on my own forever. I’m fine how it is. There’s no need to feel bad or pity me.”

John frowned. “I’m sorry – and no, that is not pity. I am genuinely sorry because no one deserves that... Not ever, but I also think that you shouldn’t not like anyone just because of one bad experience you had when you were six….”

Sherlock scoffed, “If you are suggesting I date you, while I am flattered by the idea, I will have to de—“

John cut him off hastily. “No! No... I’m just saying its fine, it’s all fine…” He then smirked and turned to Sherlock. “You got one thing wrong though.”

Sherlock blinked. “Did I? What did I get wrong?”

“Harry is short for Harriet. She’s my sister not my brother.”

“Sister! There’s always something!” he groaned and then nodded. They continued walking for a while, it was already getting dark and Sherlock really didn’t want to walk home, but he was the one that insisted he came along. 

“Sherlock, I have an idea… and you can say no if you want, but what do you say about staying at my house tonight? I just really don’t want you to walk home...”

Sherlock felt his heart jerk and then felt stupid because he didn’t know why his heart was jerking. “Alright, is that ok with your parents?” 

“Should be fine, yeah… and oh, would you look at that... We’re home. Yay,” he said sarcastically.

~O~

John and Sherlock were able to sneak past Mrs. Watson without her noticing and his father wasn’t home, thankfully. John sat on the edge of his bed while Sherlock looked around John’s room. “And that’s my trophy I got for winning best player of the year in rugby… I didn’t think I deserved it, but hey, if they wanna give me a prize I’ll be more than happy to take it,” he smiled and watched as Sherlock moved about.

Sherlock was intrigued at everything he was looking at. John had so many personal and sentimental items it was rather cute. He mentally kicked himself for calling John cute. He picked up a small stuffed squirrel and turned it over in his hands.

“His name is Squirrely and he was my childhood pet, I never really did get over him. He comforts me sometimes, especially when things are hard.” John shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal.

Sherlock held the squirrel and then walked over to John. He went to the edge of the bed and sat next to him. “I feel like…” Sherlock furrowed his brow because he didn’t really know how he felt. He just wanted to be close to John! “I feel like I want to touch you…”

John choked on air a tad. “We’ve only just met! I mean you are attractive, I’ll give you that, but—“

Sherlock rolled his eyes. “Not like that! Like– like… ugh! I don’t know how to describe it!” 

John looked at him for a minute and then slowly wrapped his arms around Sherlock, “How’s that?” He asked softly.

Sherlock hummed and remained with his arms still on each side of him. He wanted more so he slowly brought his arms up and wrapped them around John, “Good.” 

They stayed like that for a long time before finally John yawned. It was pretty late and he was tired. He pulled away slowly and looked at Sherlock. “There. Now I’m going to go sleep. You can take the bed… I’ll grab the floor.”

Sherlock blinked. “No! I’ll get the floor... this is your house. It would make sense for you to sleep in your own bed.”

“Yes, but see, you are the guest. So therefore, you get the bed. I’m not going to argue, Sherlock.” John started making a little pallet on the floor by using blankets.

“John, no! You are being ridiculous! I’m sleeping on the floor no matter what! So you sleep on the floor with me or you get the bed!” 

John groaned, “Sherlock! I am used to sleeping on hard surfaces! Just please drop it and take the bed!”

Sherlock stopped abruptly. “What do you mean…?”

John mentally kicked himself and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath. “It’s umm… it’s nothing… I just meant that me and Harry used to have sleepovers on the floor together all the time, I’m used to it,” John lied. This was not the actual case, but he didn’t want to tell Sherlock the real reason. 

“You’re lying. Tell me the real reason, John,” he said firmly. 

John flinched a little. “No, Sherlock really it’s the truth… just please take the bed.” 

Sherlock shook his head. “I will take the bed if you tell me why you are used to hard surfaces.”

John sighed, defeated, “My father usually throws me in the backyard and locks me out of the house at night… I’m forced to sleep on the porch in the cold. Now please just take the fucking bed.”

Sherlock's face fell and his jaw set. He was angry that someone would do that to John. His John, “No. You take the bed.” 

“Sherlock, you promised!” John groaned. He was tired and he just wanted to sleep.

“I never actually promised…”

“Well, I’m not letting you sleep on the floor, Sherlock.”

Sherlock smirked. “Well I guess that only leaves one option doesn’t it? We will both take the bed.”

“Sherlock! We can’t both take the bed,” he choked out. 

“And why not? I have made it perfectly clear where I stand and you are still confused. Anyway, it’s just sleeping, John.”

John's brain started to think of a million reasons why they couldn’t. He thought of how nice it would be to fall asleep in Sherlock's arms, but then thought about what would happen if his father were to catch him. His bed was far too small and in order for them to both stay on it they would have to squish together… normal teenage boys didn’t do that! But then again there was a high chance John was gay and Sherlock wasn’t normal at all so did it really matter…? “Ugh! Fine! Get in the stupid bed!” He threw the blankets across the room and walked over to the bed before climbing in. He watched as Sherlock climbed in as well and snuggled against John's chest.

“Goodnight, John,” Sherlock whispered sweetly.

John wrapped his arms around him slowly and closed his eyes. “Goodnight, Sherlock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter never had an end note thing so I'm making it now... 
> 
> Although the first beginning note thing will probably be gone and never to be seen again... fuck.
> 
> If you're new here please COMMENT!!! because I love reading them! 
> 
> AND OBVI SUBSCRIBE AND KUDOS!
> 
> The bcumbs is singing to me right now... aww he's such a dork! 
> 
> Also I highly suggest that you read my notes because I'm a fucking funny person! ha ha. That was a joke! I laugh! But for seriousness I don't do informational shit... I just type whats on my mind...
> 
> 'What's on your mind now, Whitney?' You may ask and I would tell you that I still have to fucking pee, cheers!
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES!


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GAHHHHHH IT DELETED MY NOTE!!!! Anyway! HELLLLOOOOOO!!! GUYS! guess what!!! I got a beta!! She's super cool and awesome and she is brilliant so that's very happy making!!! I want to post a chapter once a week and that beautiful day will be on Thursdays!! Because I love Thursday's! I don't even know... But I do however change my phone backgrounds every Thursday!!!! Yes.... Today is Saturday... But lets all take a moment to relish in the wise words once spoken by Queen Cyrus: "Nobody's perfect."
> 
> ALL HAIL QUEEN CYRUS!!!

The room was silent. Bright light flooded through the blinds and danced on the floor. It was calm and peaceful. Sherlock and John were cuddled up next to one another sleeping. Sherlock hadn’t slept this well in what seemed like an eternity and John was just happy to be cuddling with him. They were asleep, however, and probably would have appreciated the feeling much more had they been conscious.

John's door creaked open slowly. So quietly it didn’t make a sound. It certainly didn’t disturb Sherlock and John. “JOHN HAMISH WATSON!!!!” His father’s booming voice filled the room.  
  
John jolted awake and fell out of the bed. He landed on the floor much harder than he did the previous morning. John groaned, but then stood up quickly. As much as it hurt he didn’t want to upset his father.  
  
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?” his father’s voice demanded.  
  
“Father! It’s nothing. Sherlock was just staying the night… he had nowhere to sleep so we shared a bed.” John started to panic. He could tell his father had been drinking and he didn’t want Sherlock to see the inevitable outcome.  
  
“ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I RAISED A FAG AS A SON?!” he growled.  
  
John's jaw set. He did not like that word… not one bit. “Don’t say that.” he said firmly. He hoped Sherlock was still asleep, which was a fairly stupid hope because his father was screaming.  
  
John's father took one step forward and grabbed John by the front of his shirt, “I will do whatever I goddamn please!” he hissed. “Fag!” He tossed John aside and he hit the wall hard.  
  
John groaned as his back hit his dresser. “Do. Not. Say. That. Word!” he shot back ignoring the fact that he was in pain.  
  
“And I said I will do as I please! Don’t argue with me further boy or I will beat you in front of your precious boyfriend!”  
  
John swallowed and shut his mouth. He looked over at Sherlock, who in fact was awake, and was watching the encounter with wide eyes.  
  
Ted Watson scoffed, “I will not have a fag living under my roof with his faggy boyfriend! You’ll make me catch fagaria!”  
  
John closed his eyes and then lunged for his father, knocking them both on the ground.

 

“I am sick of your abuse! I have been so patient and I can’t take it anymore! And enough with the word ‘fag,’ it’s disrespectful and I don’t like it! Call us rainbow or queer or gay or I don’t care! Just don’t use that word!” John spat. Ted kicked John off of him and John landed across the room. He clenched his stomach in pain, but he was not going to back down.  
  
“You do not talk to me like that! You hear?” he screamed, walking over to John and yanking him up by his hair. “You can no longer be a fag anymore!!” he shouted, waving his opposite hand around that wasn’t holding John's hair around like he was trying to do a magic trick.  
  
John’s hands flew up to his dad’s hand that was currently in his hair. He tried to tug his dad’s grip away, but he couldn’t do that without ripping his hair out. He was in pain and he just wished this nightmare would end.  
  
Sherlock opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t that he was frozen it was that he knew John wouldn’t want his father to turn his aggression on him. Still he felt helpless and the world spun. John's father was also being unreasonable. You could not simply command someone to stop being gay… apparently he made a noise because John's father suddenly turned his attention to Sherlock.  
  
Ted threw John back down on the ground. “What’s so funny, fag junior?” he yelled and started making his way towards Sherlock.  
  
“Is that the best you can do?” he laughed to himself, although he didn’t find this situation to be hilarious at all. It was more a laugh of fear and nervousness if anything. “Oh, that’s right. I forget your IQ happens to be lower than a snail’s.”  
  
“Why you little—!” Ted lunged across the room for Sherlock, but John was faster. He tackled his father once again and started punching him.  
  
“YOU. DO. NOT. TOUCH. HIM!” he said in between each punch. John was shaking with anger. First his father called the both of them ‘fags’ and then he almost hurt Sherlock. John had had enough! He had never fought back with his father though because of how much bigger and stronger he was compared to John.  
  
His father laughed while John punched him. “You think a fag like yourself is going to hurt me?! Please you’re as weak as a woman!” His laughter boomed through the room and Sherlock shivered as he felt his skin crawl. There was something about Ted that was off.  
  
John punched him harder and harder until he had stopped laughing. His father didn’t know when to stop! The word ‘fag’ and almost hurting Sherlock was one thing, but to now sit there and degrade women? That was unacceptable.  
  
“John…”  Sherlock said hesitantly.  
  
John ignored him and kept hitting his father. He kept punching him until his hand was bleeding and then he continued to punch him some more.  
  
“John!” Sherlock snapped.  
  
John's head shot up and he looked at Sherlock. He looked back down at his father and then up at Sherlock again. He had gotten carried away and felt a bit guilty by it.  
  
“I think he’s had enough... Let’s just go, because he’s really not worth it, John…”  
  
John swallowed and looked back down at his father.  
  
“Better listen to him, fag son of mine. Be a good little boy and listen to your boyfriend!”  
  
John brought his hand back to hit him again, but Sherlock caught it. “John! He’s not worth it. Let’s go.”  
  
John reluctantly climbed off of his father and started walking towards the door.  
  
“You walk out that door, John, and you can never come back! And if you do I will kill you!” his father spat. He was still lying on the floor of John's room.  
  
John took a deep breath and walked out of the house.  


~O~

 

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!!!” John groaned as they walked out of the house. He had been repeating the word ‘stupid’ for about a half hour.  
  
Sherlock had ignored this for the first little while thinking that John would eventually stop, but he didn’t. “What’s stupid?” he finally asked  
  
“What’s stupid? WHAT’S STUPID?!” John came to an abrupt halt and cut Sherlock off so he couldn’t move anymore. “I left my house, Sherlock! I am now homeless! I don’t have anywhere to go and you are asking me what’s stupid!!” he growled.  
  
Sherlock winced a bit. “You can come live with me, I have a—“  
  
“I can’t live with you Sherlock! I don’t know you!” John screamed and then started walking again.  
  
Sherlock ignored the fact that John had just said he didn’t know him. It hurt, but John didn’t mean it, he was just hurting. “Mummy won’t mind and Cakeman is fat and won’t even know you are there.”  
  
John blinked. “Cakeman…?”  
  
“It’s my brother’s name… well his name is Mycroft, but I call him Cakeman because he is a fat man who eats all the cake.”  
  
John giggled as he felt the anger dissolve from him. “Well I will be sure to not let Cakeman anywhere near my cake.”  
  
Sherlock smirked to John. He felt a warm feeling in his stomach at the fact that he could make John's anger go away. “Oh no… don’t do that… he’s like a vacuum! He’ll just inhale it!” John giggled harder and walked a little closer to Sherlock. Just a little bit. The average person wouldn’t have even noticed, but Sherlock wasn’t average and he very much noticed.  
  
John’s laughing eventually stopped, but he didn’t step away from Sherlock. If anything he kept getting closer. “I really can’t stay at your house though… I would be intruding and I don’t have any clothes. Thank you for the offer, but—“  
  
“John! I promise Mummy will understand! Now please just accept it and move on! We don’t even have to share a room!  I have a spare one. Well actually I have about ten spare ones...” Sherlock groaned as he felt himself also walking closer to John.  
  
John thought about this for a while. It would be nice to live with someone who actually liked him and not just someone who was forced to like him because they were related. “Yeah… alright fine.”  
  
Sherlock grinned. “Brilliant!” They kept walking for quite some time before Sherlock's hand brushed against John's. He swallowed and pretended like it didn’t happen. If he pretended like it didn’t happen then John wouldn’t have noticed.  
  
Sherlock, however, was wrong. John very much noticed the way Sherlock's hand brushed against his and the way it felt. Warm, but yet somehow cold. It felt amazing and he couldn’t stop himself from grabbing Sherlock's hand completely. Forgetting about everything. Forgetting about the fact that he was homeless. Forgetting about how he felt like being gay was a problem because everyone seemed to think it was a disease. Just forgetting. He entwined their fingers together and closed his eyes. He then had to open them again because he was walking and he didn’t want to trip.  
  
Sherlock's heart jumped. He looked down at their entwined hands and then forward again. He was having a hard time breathing and the world felt fuzzy. “Umm... John…”  
  
John snapped back to the real world and dropped his hand. “Oh, God. I’m sorry Sherlock… I didn’t– I’m not– it wasn’t—” John was having a hard time putting words together. He felt mortified that he had just done that.  
  
Sherlock smiled softly. “I’m just saying it’s fine…” He slowly grabbed John's hand and entwined their fingers together once again. “It’s all fine.”  
  
John felt his stomach jump and they continued walking the rest of the way to Sherlock's house.  


~O~

 

“Mummy!! I have a friend who will be living with us!” Sherlock yelled once they managed to get back to his house.  
  
Sherlock's mother started having a coughing fit and about dropped the fine china plate she was currently holding. “A friend…?”   
  
Sherlock rolled his eyes. “Yes, a friend. His name is John.”  
  
Lily Holmes put down the plate she was currently holding and ran to her youngest child. She kissed him on the forehead and pulled him into a giant hug. “Oh, my baby’s finally found a friend!! Sherlock why didn’t you introduce me sooner?” She kept kissing the top of his head.  
  
“Mummy!” Sherlock squirmed out of her grip. He was extremely embarrassed and as red as a tomato.  
  
John snickered and smiled sweetly at Sherlock's mother. “I really hope I don’t intrude on your family… it’s just– well…” John looked down.  
  
Sherlock took his hand in his once more and looked at his mother. “John’s father kicked him out because he’s gay and now he doesn’t have anywhere to go.”  
  
John's face paled. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t help but think that Lily would kick him out of their home too because of what Sherlock had said. Most people didn’t accept homosexuals and he didn’t want to be kicked out of another house in less than a two hour time period.  
  
Lily looked from her son’s hand that was holding John's and then back up to his face. “Yes, he can stay here.” She was overjoyed that Sherlock had a friend and now it seemed as though Sherlock liked John as more than a friend. This was a dream come true for her, especially since Sherlock showed no interest in people at all. John's head shot up with so much happiness in his eyes that Lily’s heart squeezed in her chest.  
  
“Thank you! Thank you so much! I promise I’ll be good and I’ll help you with anything you need help with!” John bounced up and down and he squeezed Sherlock's hand.  
  
Lily smiled warmly at him. “It’s not a problem dear.” She turned to Sherlock. “Listen… Sherlock, I’m going to have to leave for a few days.”  
  
“When are you leaving…?” Sherlock replied slowly. His mother was never home. The last time he saw his mother was two months ago and he was actually surprised to see her when he walked into the house. His mother was a makeup artist for actors and actresses and his father was never home either. Always away on business, but what that really meant was that he was always away with one of his other “secret wives”.  
  
“I was actually just heading out of the house when you walked in… I wasn’t even sure if I was going to be able to say goodbye to you… or hi for that matter,” she said and looked down at him sadly.  
  
He turned his head a little. “You’ll be gone longer than a few days.” He clenched his jaw and looked at the floor.  
  
She swallowed. “Yes, I'll be gone for exactly two weeks… but hey! Better than two months right?” She tried to lighten Sherlock's mood, but nothing really did.  
  
“Yeah, I suppose so…” He turned to John. “Come on, I want to show you the garden!” He pulled John out to the backyard and left his mother standing there by herself. He was angry with her. He always was when she left. There was nothing he could do about it of course, but it was always so lonely at the house without his mother there. He also hadn’t seen his father in a year. Not that he cared… his father was not a good man so he didn’t mind it one bit. Sherlock sighed to himself and soon they were in the garden.  
  
The garden was set under a large stony gateway and was filled with an assortment of flowers. There was a section of purple, red, and yellow roses. Stargazer lilies were scattered about. There were daisies every which way. Every flower John had ever seen and some he hadn’t were in the garden. It was breathtaking and John loved it.  
  
John ran around the garden taking in each flower. He ran up to a patch of beautiful pink stargazer lilies and smelled one. He looked over at Sherlock and smiled. “These are my favourite.”  
  
Sherlock smirked and gently picked one. He placed it in John's hair behind his ear and smiled. “So pretty,” he teased.  
  
John rolled his eyes, but kept the flower in his hair anyway. He walked around the garden taking in each and every flower that he possibly could while Sherlock followed close behind. He got to the middle of the garden and realised there was a little stony path. He looked over at Sherlock to ask if he was allowed to go on the stony path. Sherlock smiled and nodded and so John slowly moved his feet and started walking through the trees on the path when he got to the end the trees opened up to a beautiful secret secluded area. There was a stone bench in the middle of the grassy area and a little waterfall right next to it. John could hear birds chirping up in the trees and the sun beamed down from the sky, the light making the water sparkle. The only sorts of flowers in the area were tulips. John gasped as he took it all in. He turned and looked at Sherlock who walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist while resting his chin on John's shoulder.  
  
“Do you like it?” he asked softly. He knew John obviously liked it, but he didn’t know what else to say.  
  
John nodded and looked more closely. He looked at all the tulips and wondered why that was the only flower they had in the secret cove he had found. “Why tulips?”  
  
Sherlock smirked. “Because that’s,” he adjusted his head and kissed John's shoulder on impulse, “my favourite flower. My mother used to tell me when I was a little boy that there were fairies that lived in the tulips. They would come out at night and play.” Sherlock shrugged a little. “I like to believe it’s true. They would prepare the rest of the flowers and make them presentable for the next day so that they always looked their best for the daytime. And then once the first sign of light came up from the horizon they would hide in the trees and sleep.”  
  
John spun around in Sherlock's hold so that he was facing him. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock's neck and buried his face into Sherlock's shoulder. He wanted to kiss Sherlock very badly, but he also knew that Sherlock wasn’t interested in anybody so what would make John different? They were just friends who happened to be very touchy feely, but that was it. It didn’t go past that.  
  
Sherlock waited for John to do something, but apparently John was incredibly slow with signals. That was okay though because Sherlock liked him no matter what. Which, in a way, was very weird to him because in any normal circumstances he would not be okay with slow people, but John was different though. He slowly pulled back just a little and ran his fingers across John's jaw line and then under his chin. He tilted his chin up and looked into John's eyes. He slowly leaned forward and pressed his lips to John's. Sherlock smiled a little to himself when John made a cute whimpering noise. He liked that he could catch John off guard– even if he did think that his signs were the most obvious signs in the world and that even a blind man could have noticed what Sherlock was about to do.  
  
John's heart leapt and jerked against his chest. He had kissed plenty of girls, yes, but he had never actually kissed a boy. He didn’t care though because it felt amazing… Sherlock felt amazing. He closed his eyes and played with the bottom fringe on Sherlock's hair. John tilted his head to the side a little to deepen the kiss. He ran his tongue along Sherlock's bottom lip, slowly. He wasn’t really sure of their boundaries just yet.  
  
Sherlock opened his mouth and let John in. As soon as John snaked his tongue inside Sherlock captured it and gently sucked on it. He actually had no idea what he was doing, but he had seen plenty of sappy chick flicks from when Cakeman had watched them, which was quite frequent, that he figured he was doing everything right. He needed John and he needed him now. He gently pulled away and put their foreheads together.  
  
John was breathing a bit heavy and his eyes were still closed. His head was rushing and he couldn’t help but think how amazing this was and was it always like that when kissing boys or just Sherlock? John classified it as a ‘just Sherlock’ feeling.    
  
“Why don’t I show you your room?” Sherlock asked softly as he kissed John's lips once more.  
  
John just nodded and before he knew it Sherlock had him by the hand and was dragging them through the garden. They walked back into the house and up the two flights of stairs before they came to a stop at a door. Sherlock opened it, walked inside, and then shut the door behind them. Before John could say a word Sherlock had pushed him against the wall and was attacking his mouth. This kiss was different than the one they shared in the garden. It was more urgent and frantic.  
  
Sherlock trailed his left hand down John's arm until he slowly snatched John's wrist. He raised it above John's head and pinned it against the wall. John made a sound that went straight down to his groin. Sherlock moved his head and started kissing John's neck.  
  
John tilted his head so Sherlock could have more access and more room to explore. His head was spinning and he couldn’t get over the feeling of how amazing Sherlock made him feel. Sherlock was brilliant in every way. “How far—“ he was cut off by a moan that had escaped his mouth. Sherlock's mouth was spectacularly clever and he vaguely wondered if there was anything that Sherlock couldn’t do. “Do you want to go?” he managed to gasp out.  
  
“All the way,” Sherlock hummed as he started to tug on John's jumper. He backed away from the wall just enough to pull it up and over John's head and toss it on the floor. He was suddenly distracted by John's upper body. John was very fit and lean and gorgeous. The franticness died down from Sherlock and he slowly took John's hand and led him over to the bed. He pushed John down lightly and then climbed on top of him so that he was hovering over John's body. He dipped his head down and gently kissed John's lips once more.  
  
John lifted his head up ever so slightly to kiss Sherlock back just as gently. He brought his hand up and started undoing Sherlock's shirt. Once unbuttoned Sherlock pushed his body up so that he was kneeling and slowly took his shirt off. He tossed it gently to one side and bent down again.  
  
Sherlock sucked on John's collarbone and nipped it gently. This made John whimper and gasp and Sherlock smirked to himself. Sherlock was still at a loss for what to do, but he was a very quick learner and the movies he watched with Mycroft were surprisingly more helpful than he would have thought. He took hold of John and flipped them around so that John was on top of him.   
  
John whimpered and closed his eyes. Sherlock was perfect– this whole situation was perfect. John moved his hand and grabbed Sherlock's shoulder. He pulled him down gently and captured Sherlock's lips. John was really nervous and really he shouldn't even be doing this right now... he didn't even know Sherlock for Christ’s sake!! But god did everything feel perfect.  
  
Sherlock's pulled away just enough so that he could talk, but their lips were still touching,  “Are you sure you want this..? I don’t want to pressure you…”  
  
John kissed Sherlock's lips, but then hesitated. He slowly moved his head so that he was resting against Sherlock's neck. "Yes... I do, but don't you think it's a bit fast... this is all so new and I-" Truthfully John was just nervous because he had never done anything like this before! Not even with a girl... And obviously Sherlock hadn’t done it either.  
  
Sherlock brought a hand up and placed it on the back of John's head. "Shhh. It's alright. I'm fine waiting."  
  
"No! But I want to!! I want.. I want you! Maybe if we didn’t go all the way… Just... just take things slowly," John didn't want to look up. He was super embarrassed and he probably ruined Sherlock's whole night!   
  
Sherlock chuckled. "Alright! There's no need to get your knickers in a twist!" He slowly snaked a hand down John's back and drew lazy circles. "We'll leave our clothes on. How’s that?" he asked softly as he brushed his lips across John's forehead.  
  
John nodded slowly and then gently brought his lips up and started kissing Sherlock oh so softly.  
  
Unfortunately this didn’t last very long before they were kissing with hunger. They wanted– God, did they want, but they weren't ready and they both knew that. Sherlock's tongue tangled with John's as their hips rocked back and forth against each other. They were rolling around and fighting for dominance.    
  
John ended up on his back again, but he honestly couldn't care less. He moaned into Sherlock's mouth quite loudly, but he couldn't really help it. He thrusted his hips up again and again and again as their mouths danced. The smaller boy bit Sherlock’s bottom lip and tugged and this made Sherlock gasp and whimper. John snickered slightly and let go.  
  
Sherlock smiled and sucked on his lower lip while his hands trailed up and down John's side. John had his hands in Sherlock's hair and he kept tugging and shit did it feel wonderful. Sherlock could feel the slow burning heat in the centre of his belly slowly grow into something that was almost unbearable. He moved his hips faster and quicker and the wave finally crashed over him. He shuddered and closed his eyes as he gasped.  
  
John followed seconds after Sherlock and groaned. He vaguely felt the presence of Sherlock who had apparently collapsed on top of him. They laid there breathing heavy for what felt like ages before Sherlock got up and retrieved two towels. He handed one to John and then shoved the one he had down his own pants and trousers and tried to clean up as best as he could without stripping. John did the same, but he did it a little more subtly. The taller boy snickered and then snuggled into the bed sheets with John. “How was it…?” he asked sweetly, but a bit hesitant.  
  
“Fantastic!” John grinned and turned his head to look at him. "Except for... We really should have thought this through because I just made a mess in my pants and I don't have a change of clothes..."  
  
Sherlock started laughing hard and seconds later John started giggling with him, "It's alright. I have some you can use,” He said and wrapped his arms around John and closed his eyes. Minutes passed before he spoke again. “What are we doing about school…?”  
  
John blinked. “What about school..?”  
  
“Are we going to tell anyone that we are now... uhhh– together…?”  
  
John giggled and smiled to himself. He was glad he was able to rule off the onetime thing ordeal because he didn’t think he would be able to handle it, but then he frowned, “I don’t think we should tell anyone…” he said slowly.  
  
Sherlock felt a pain fill his chest. “Why? Are you embarrassed of me..?” He asked, hurt that John wanted to keep this a secret.  
  
John sat up quickly and looked at Sherlock. “No! No! Don’t ever think that, okay? I am not embarrassed by you Sherlock… I just– I just think we shouldn’t tell anyone… you saw how my dad reacted… it will be just as bad, if not worse if we tell people…” he said softly as he brushed a curl away from Sherlock's forehead.  
  
Sherlock frowned more, but nodded.  “Alright.” But he didn’t want to keep John a secret. He wanted people to know that John was his and that no one else could have him! But if John wanted to keep this a secret, then Sherlock would respect that. “Get some sleep, John,” Sherlock said softly as he kissed the top of his head. “Goodnight.”  
  
John hummed, already drifting off, “Goodnight, Sherlock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIYA!! I UNDERSTAND THAT NEW COMERS WON'T KNOW SHIT BUT I ADDED A NOTE AT THE END ALMOST A YEAR AFTER THIS CHAPTER WAS POSTED! AWWWW YEY
> 
> Actually I'm exaggerating a hella lot! It hasn't been a year, but you know... errors.
> 
> I painted my nails and they are beautiful!
> 
> okay important bit! They just got off together right? Well I actually really fucking hate fanfictions where they get together really fast because then it's just sex right? Well not in my story! So like yeah they are together, but they don't have sex that much... like so far there are 16 Chapters and there has only been sex in three chapters... BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN THERE ISNT FLUFF! SO. MUCH. FLUFF. and angst and tension and shit! SO please stay!
> 
> TEENAGE BOYS AND THEIR HORMONAL ISSUES!
> 
> PLEASE COMMENT BECAUSE I LOVE READING COMMENTS MORE THAN YOU KUDO'SING IT OR SUBSCRIBING! BUT THOSE ARE GOOD TOO (;
> 
> 'IGHT IMMA GO EDIT SOME SHIT 
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES!


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock LOVES to shop and also has a tendency to get jealous... very easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHAT!!!! IT'S THURSDAY!!! But seriously guys.... i upload on Thursdays because they are literally my favourite days of the week!!! 
> 
> Anyway there are a few things you need to know... Primark is basically a Walmart in Britian.... except for... they only have super cheap clothes.. they don't have movies slash games slash food... Just clothes.. So maybe Walmart isn't a good example... Primark is like.. Like.. WELL ITS A REALLY CHEAP STORE THAT HAS A BUNCH OF CLOTHES AND ACCESSORIES AND IT'S LIKE FOUR STORIES BIG AND I SERIOUSLY LOVE THAT PLACE TO BITS AND ALSO SHERLOCK'S POINT OF VIEW IS NOT THE REAL POINT OF VIEW IT'S JUST WHAT REALLY POSH PEOPLE THINK AND HE'S POSH SO THAT'S WHY HE SAYS ALL THOSE THINGS!!! FRANKLY I THINK PRIMARK IS AWESOME AND AMAZING AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! BUT THEN AGAIN I'M AMERICAN SO.... (THAT COUNTS AS TOURISM...)
> 
> AND I AM JOHN AND LOVE PRIMARK AND CRUNCHIES MORE THAN LIFE! I ACTUALLY HAVE ONLY EVER BEEN TO PRIMARK ONCE, BUT LETS JUST SAY I TOOK HOME FIFTY CRUNCHIES....

John awoke to the wonderful smell of coffee. He yawned and rubbed a hand over his face as he waited for Sherlock to wake up. He stayed in bed for an hour and Sherlock was still sound asleep. John was bored so he decided to wake Sherlock up, but not in any normal way. John leaned over and pressed his lips to Sherlock's ear.  He slowly slid his tongue inside and wiggled it around.

Sherlock woke up with a jolt and nearly fell out of the bed, “What the heck was that for…?”

John smirked cheekily, “Morning!!!”  

Sherlock rolled his eyes, but grabbed John and pulled him into a smothering hug, “Morning!  Are you hungry?”

John nodded.  He wasn’t usually hungry in the morning, but they hadn’t eaten anything at all yesterday. John sat up and put on his jumper with some skinny jeans.  He smirked at Sherlock who was watching him as he was changing.  As soon as Sherlock finally got out of bed and was presentable they walked downstairs together and saw a man sitting at the counter reading the newspaper.  John didn’t know who he was, but he assumed that it was Mycroft, or as Sherlock so lovely put it: Cakeman.

“I certainly hope you didn’t strain anything from last night… from the noises you two were making it sounded like someone was dying,” Mycroft said as he kept his nose in his newspaper.

Sherlock snickered and then looked at John who had gone a very bright shade of red, “Oh, Cakeman… You’re just jealous that you can’t get any action,” He snickered more and this made John's face go even redder than it was previously.

Mycroft made a face and finally looked up from the newspaper, “Quite the opposite actually. I do not wish to engage in sexual intercourse… therefore I do not seek it.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes and John looked like he was about to keel over and die from embarrassment, “You only say that because you know that if you were to set out and ‘seek it’ you would fail!” Sherlock said while still snickering. He plunged his finger in a jar of peanut butter and sucked it off and then smiled at John. 

It was now Mycroft’s turn to roll his eyes. Secretly, he was proud of his baby brother for finding someone, but he would never admit that to Sherlock. Instead he just went back to his newspaper and tried his best to ignore the couple in the kitchen. 

Sherlock waited for Mycroft to reply, but when he didn’t he decided to just press forward, “So I’m going to need to borrow your credit card today.”

Mycroft blinked and studied him, “Whatever for?!”

“Because John has no clothes so I need to go buy them for him,” Sherlock smiled brightly.

Mycroft sighed loudly, “Fine, but do not make this a regular occurrence, baby brother.”

Sherlock smirked lovingly, “Wouldn’t dream of it, Cakeman.” He hummed and fed John a strawberry.  

John was still a tad embarrassed, but didn’t really care anymore so he ate the strawberry off of Sherlock's hand and then smiled.  

Sherlock smiled back and leaned forward to kiss him, “Now where would you like to go to buy clothes?”

John grinned, “Can we go to Primark?!”

Sherlock flailed, “John! Primark? Really?!  Why in the heavens name would we go shop at Primark!”

John moved his foot in circles on the ground and looked at Sherlock, “I like Primark and it’s not a lot of money and it’s giant!! So many things to choose from!” he smiled.

“John we are not going to Primark! Primark is where Tourists and poor people go! Are you either one of those things?!”

John smirked at Sherlock and bit his lip. He was thinking about this question very carefully, “Yyyeeeeesss.”

Sherlock smacked his own forehead, “No, John… no, you are not.”

“But sherlooocccck!!! I wanna go to Primark!!” he whined. 

Mycroft was trying his best not to laugh and Sherlock was shaking his head, “Maybe if you are a good little boy we can go to Primark after.”

John grinned brightly, “Really!! Yes!!” he skipped around the kitchen and then ran to the front door. “Well come on then!! Primark awaits!!”

Sherlock rolled his eyes, but was smiling, “Oh my god I’m dating a five year old.”

“Yes, but a sexy five year old!” He smirked and opened the front door. 

Sherlock smiled and grabbed Mycroft’s card. He walked to the front door and kissed John, “Yes, a sexy five year old indeed.”

~O~

Sherlock and John came home with bags and bags full of clothes. John really didn’t see a need to get all these clothes. I mean let’s be honest John would have been happy with a couple of jumpers and few a pants and trousers, Sherlock on the other hand… well, let’s just say he liked to shop… a lot… Sherlock kept blabbering on and on about how amazing John was going to look in all the clothes they bought him, but really John was just happy because Sherlock had let him go to Primark and he got to pick out some jumpers and a Crunchie. They brought the bags up to their bedroom and began to put them away. Sherlock had his own room, but it was messy with experiments so they both decided to live together in the guest bedroom, which had quickly become John's room. 

Sherlock flopped on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, “Today was fun. We should go shopping all the time and buy you clothes and then you can look so cute when we go to school and I will have to force myself from jumping you because I find you so adorable and attractive and cute and you’re like a little fluffy hedgehog that I just want to hold in my arms!!” He squealed, but then he got a bit bitter, “Too bad somebody doesn’t want us to be exclusive!!” He crossed his arms across his chest and began to sulk.

John sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose before making his way over to the bed to lie down next to Sherlock, “Sherlock… two things. One, hedgehogs are most definitely not fluffy and two, I told you why it wouldn’t be a good idea to become exclusive.”

The thought of hedgehogs not being fluffy made Sherlock frown, “Hedgehogs aren’t fluffy….?” 

John wanted to smack his forehead and then shake Sherlock silly. Sherlock was more of a selective listener and only heard the things he wanted to. It drove John absolutely up the wall, but that was the problem with dating a genius he supposed, “You know, for the smartest man in the world. You’re quite stupid…”

Sherlock's heart fluttered, jerked, and twisted. He pulled John into a lip bruising kiss, then pulled back abruptly and smiled, “You think I’m the smartest man in the world?!” He said quietly.

“Of course!! No one can ever compare to my Sherlock!” He grinned and rested his head on Sherlock's chest. His finger drew lazy patterns on Sherlock's stomach and he smiled to himself. Everything was perfect. 

“I wish we could tell people… I want people to know that you are taken. It makes me feel funny when people are always flirting with you...”

John giggled and couldn’t stop and Sherlock thought it was the most beautiful thing in the whole entire world, “It’s called jealousy Sherlock… and you needn’t be jealous because I’m yours and yours only. I promise.”

That wasn’t true, or at least Sherlock felt that way. He knew John would never go astray and he knew that as long as the two of them were together John wouldn’t cheat on him, but that didn’t make the feeling go away. He sighed and closed his eyes, while he rested his fingers in John's hair, “Goodnight, John.”

John knew Sherlock was having troubles accepting this, but he was also happy that Sherlock wasn’t pushing him to do something he didn’t want to. He closed his eyes and continued to draw circles on Sherlock's chest, “Night, Sherlock.”

~O~

Sherlock walked into class the next day to see a giant plethora of girls surrounding John. It was getting close to Valentine’s Day so he suspected that this may be the cause of such an awful turn of events. He took his seat like everything was normal and tried to ignore John. Although it was hard... it was really hard! He kept giggling with them and he wasn't telling them to go away. What was worse was that poor Sherlock had to stand back and act like everything was okay when it wasn't. He knew John wouldn't go behind his back and hurt him, but he couldn't get rid of that horrible feeling in his stomach, so called ‘jealously’ as John so wonderfully put it. It was awful and tedious and he didn't like it! Then again, everything was worth it for John, everything would always be worth it.

Sherlock was literally five seconds away from pulling his hair out when John came back and sat next to him, “Hello!” John sung cheerily, while he took out his pencil and his notebook. He frowned a bit and looked at Sherlock who looked very grumpy, “Something wrong?”

Sherlock just hummed and shook his head, “No, nothing is wrong. Why would there be anything _wrong,_ John?” He said a bit too bitterly for John's liking.

John blinked several times and then scribbled something down on a piece of paper.  He slowly passed it to Sherlock and twiddled his thumbs while he waited.

_‘No, something is wrong… I can see it. Want to talk about it?’_

Sherlock sighed and wrote back.

_‘No. Because there is nothing wrong. If there was I would tell you, alright?’_

_‘Alright… I suppose. Anyway! How was school today! It’s our last class (;’_

_‘Brilliant deduction. I’m even taking you somewhere special after! ;D’_

_‘That face is strangely creeping me out and it makes me think the place you are taking me isn’t that special at all…’_

_‘Nonsense! Would I ever do you any harm? Ha Ha.’_

_‘You are making it sound like you are going to take me to a back alleyway so that you can kill me and sell my bones for some quick cash. I should warn you I am a serial killer so I will be able to stop you should the opportunity arise.’_

Sherlock practically burst out laughing and nearly fell to the floor. The teacher turned around and glared at him and he gave a small shrug.

 ‘ _Yeah, right! You couldn’t hurt a flea!’_

_‘I happen to be a brilliant actor Mister Holmes. I really am a thirty eight year old man who likes to lure little boys in and then kills them.’_

_‘Well, I am certainly not little!’_

_‘Well you know what I mean... 16-19 age range!! It’s great fun! …for a serial killer.’_

_‘And so why are you admitting this to me, John? I mean… if that even is your real name!’_

_‘‘Course not! But you don’t get to know my real name! And I am telling you because I have great plans for you Mister Holmes.’_

Sherlock could barely contain his laughter. John was one of a kind that was for sure.

_‘Please, call me Sherlock. So from a detective’s viewpoint… might I ask how you manage to achieve this?’_

_‘Hell no! Are you kidding! If I told you that would give my secrets away… but umm.. 578.’_

_‘578…?’_

_‘Yes, 578. That’s my number! That’s how many teenage boys I have lured in with my handsomely charming good looks. Hehe.’_

Sherlock rolled his eyes, but was smiling. This was probably the oddest conversation he had ever had with anybody.

_‘Those poor children!!! How can you live with yourself at night! YOU FIEND!’_

John was trying so hard to contain his laughter. He was shaking violently with soundless giggles.

_‘I curl up next to the fire with a good book about kittens and a warm cup of tea’._

Sherlock was in the middle of replying when the bell rang so he just stuffed the note in his pocket and smiled at John. “Ready to go to the special place?”

John smirked and wanted to take his hand, but didn’t. “Oh god, yes!’

~O~

The Cab that was taking Sherlock and John to wherever the hell they were going eventually stopped.  Sherlock looked over at John and smiled before paying the cabbie and climbing out.

John climbed out as well, but it didn’t mean he wanted to… he looked around and the place was a completely sketch place. There was graffiti everywhere and everything around them was an old abandoned arcade game arena, “Sherlock, this place is sketchy… what are we even doing here..?”

Sherlock grinned from ear to ear, “We are going into that arcade place!” He sung and started skipping towards the door.

“Sherlock!! It’s abandoned!!!” John flailed and stayed where he was.

“No, it’s not!” He snickered creepily and then looked over his shoulder, “Coming?”

John flapped his hands and wiggled a bit, but in the end decided to follow Sherlock. They pushed through the doors and John was overcome with arcade music humming through the air. The place looked very retro and it had arcade games everywhere. It was no doubt a place where unwanted kids came to sort of cool off. Sherlock kept walking through the arcade until he came across a photo booth. He smirked at John and knocked three times, “It’s me, Sherlock!” He sung happily and glanced over at John again.

“Sherlock!!!” A voice called happily from behind the curtain, “Oh my god!! Love! It’s been ages!!!” The strange woman pushed aside the curtain and gathered Sherlock up in her arms. She placed loving kisses all over Sherlock's face before finally pulling away and smiling.

“Hello, Irene. It’s good to see you too.” He smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO MANY ERRORS IN THIS CHAPTER! FLAILS EVERYWHERE!!!
> 
> I JUST SPENT SIX HOURS EDITING THREE CHAPTERS SO THATS MY LIFE! I'M GOING TO SLEEP NOW, LOVES
> 
> REMEMBER TO COMMENT BECAUSE COMMENTING IS LIKE SWEET SWEET AMAZINGNESS
> 
> WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING?
> 
> Knock knock!  
> who's there?  
> Eat Mop!  
> Eat Mop who?  
> Eww!!!! I don't want to eat your poo!
> 
> I CRY! AHAHA
> 
> UNTIL NEXT TIME BITCHES.
> 
> DEUCES!


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Sherlock have a row... awwww it's their first real one!!! They grow up so fast!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what day it is... THAT'S RIGHT THURSDAY!!! I GOT TO CHANGE MY BACKGROUNDS TODAY!!! GUYS.... I JUST REALLY LIKE THURSDAYS OK? OK! ALSO.... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT AND KUDOS THE STORY IF YOU LIKE IT!! I LOVE HAVING FEED BACK AND HEARING WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE TO SAY!!!

_ “Hello Irene. It’s good to see you too.” He smiled. _

Irene grinned and ruffled his hair, “and here I thought you hated me!!”

John’s jaw was clenched. This- This-  _ This _ Woman! This so-called ‘Irene’ had practically just made out with his boyfriend’s face and Sherlock didn’t seem fazed by it one bit!

Sherlock pouted, “I could never hate you, Irene. Your mind is  so  _ brilliant _ and fascinating.” He hummed and glanced at John.

John clenched his jaw even more. He was afraid that if he clenched it any more he would break his teeth – those perfect, perfect teeth. Sherlock called Irene  _ brilliant _ . Such a silly compliment. A word used all the time by people all over the world to describe the simplest things. Yet, for some reason, when it came from Sherlock it meant so much more. So much that he thought the whole universe might rip open because Sherlock described something as brilliant besides himself – and it wasn’t directed towards John.

Irene squealed, she hadn’t even noticed John standing there, “so, what brings you here, Lover boy?”

John was practically shaking with anger at this point. ‘Lover boy’?! Who the fuck did this woman think she was! John had no idea and he didn’t like it, but he was going to be a ‘good boy’ for Sherlock and just let the scene play out, and then once they were alone he would rip his head off! He closed his eyes and counted backwards from ten and the anger melted away. He breathed a sigh of relief. Counting to ten worked almost ninety-nine percent of the time.

Sherlock smiled at her. “I missed you; I thought it was quite obvious.”

She smirked and raised an eyebrow. That was a very unsherlockian thing to say, even she knew that.  Her eyes flickered to John and her grin became even wider. “Oh. I see what’s really happening here,” Irene looked back at Sherlock and shook her head.

The anger washed over John again and dammit all to hell counting backwards from ten wasn’t working this time! His mobile started to vibrate in his pocket and this just made him even more angry and anxious because he wasn’t about to answer it and the constant buzzing was pissing him off! He decided to step in and put an end to… well to whatever  this was. He stuck out his hand and held it to Irene. “Hello. I’m John, Sherlock’s boyfriend. And you?” He said, trying to hold his anger back.

Irene smirked and took it. She slowly brought it up to her lips and kissed his hand before dropping it. “Oh, I can most certainly see that,” she hummed and then gave Sherlock a disapproving look.

John blinked, “you- what..?” He turned to look at Sherlock, who was wearing a smug look upon his face.

“Now, Irene. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. I simply missed you and thought it best to introduce my boyfriend to you.” He explained, trying not to let the beginnings of a panic attack creep up on him.

“Since when do you  _ miss _ people, Sherlock?” She sighed and stared him down.

“Since I met John! He has shown me how to be a better person and for that I thank him every day,” Sherlock hummed, sweetly.

“What...? I’ve known you for like three days and not once have you thanked me for ‘making you a better person’.”

Sherlock bit his lip and looked around the room for a means to escape. Unfortunately, there wasn’t one in sight.

Irene sighed and leaned up against the frame of the photo booth. She looked back and forth between John and Sherlock, waiting for someone to talk.

John felt another wave of anger wash over him just as his mobile started buzzing again, “Sherlock…” He said in a warning tone. He was not a happy camper at the moment and Sherlock wasn’t going to shimmy his way out of this one.

Sherlock swallowed thickly and mumbled something that John couldn’t possibly hear. He shuffled his feet a little, as he kept staring at the ground. How had everything gone so wrong? Sure, Sherlock was awkward and didn’t know how to deal with things, but really he thought this would work and not blow up in his face, like it currently was.

“I didn’t hear you, Sherlock,” He said calmly, and somehow, to Sherlock, that was much worse.

Irene arched and eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. She knew why Sherlock had brought John, but she wouldn’t say anything. This was their problem not hers.

Sherlock swallowed. "Well, Irene has a crush on me – always has...” He looked up and forced a small smile on his lips.

Irene didn’t intervene – mainly, because this was true. She had a major crush on Sherlock, but he never seemed interested – even when she walked around naked in the back of the arcade. She was quite jealous of John if she was perfectly honest. He was a lucky man… a very lucky man indeed.

"That didn't explain shit, Sherlock!" John said a bit snappishly. His calm demeanour was quickly slipping away, and from the way Sherlock was fidgeting it meant that they were obviously not here for a good reason. His mobile started ringing for the third time – God dammit! Who was trying to contact him! He still ignored it.

Sherlock glared at John, "well, how do you think I feel!" Sherlock crossed his arms and pouted a bit. 

John blinked. He most certainly was not expecting this reaction and he felt the anger slip away some as he watched Sherlock’s distress play out. He wanted to smooth the pout away and tell him everything was going to be okay, but he had to get answers so he stood his ground, "what..?" 

"All those girls are always hovering around you in school and I just have to sit back and watch while they flirt and practically throw themselves at you!" He sniffled and looked up at John. It hurt, but he didn't tell John that. 

"So- so you brought me here to make me  _ jealous _ ?!" He licked his lips and shook his head, "you can't just do that, Sherlock!" His anger for Irene, which had moved to Sherlock, which had then dissolved was now suddenly back with vengeance and directed at Sherlock again, "right... Of course you did." He shook his head more and looked at Irene. "It was very nice to meet you, Irene. I just wish the circumstances could be different," He nodded and then started walking out of the arcade. 

Sherlock felt awful... Looking back at it now he could very much see the wrong in his problem. He ran after him and called out, "wait! John!" He pushed through the doors and was standing on the gravel with John still ahead of him. 

"Save it, Sherlock!" He growled and tried to think of a way to go home. He had no idea where they were and he couldn't figure out why there was an arcade in the middle of nowhere! It seemed pointless and stupid and how people managed to come here after school all the time was beyond him! Hell, they probably just didn’t go to school and stayed there playing Pac Man and Mr. Do all day long.

"No, John, Just listen!! I wanted to show you how it felt! I-" Sherlock fumbled for the words, until John cut him off.

"Then you talk to me, Sherlock!" He practically screamed. He needed Sherlock to shut up. He just wanted to go home. He started walking back to what he hoped would be London. John was shite at directions and for all he knew he could be walking to Scotland at this rate.

"John... where are you going..?" Sherlock blinked, but followed him anyway. 

"Home!" John growled. 

"You're going the wrong way..." Sherlock whispered. Now was not the time to correct John, but if he really wanted to get home then he did in fact need to correct John. Everything was so complicated he wanted to throw up.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-" he cut himself off and turned around and started walking to London. Of course Sherlock would make a fool of him at a time like this! It was inevitable. John decided he was going to buy a map and memorise it so that things like this didn’t happen!

Sherlock blinked and decided that he should just keep his mouth shut. So far talking seemed to make John angrier. He decided that he  really didn't like an angry John. He wanted to make John happy, but he didn't know how... He pulled out his mobile and called a cab. At least then John wouldn’t be crotchety from the long walk they were sure to endure if they walked all the way home. Eventually, the cab pulled up and John climbed in as Sherlock followed. Everything felt wrong. John wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't look at him, barely even acknowledged him. He swallowed and tried to think of something he could say to make everything better... Make John feel better because right now everything hurt. It hurt more than it ought to and it hurt a whole lot worse than when John had a sea of girls throwing themselves at him. He racked his brain for anything to make John forgive him. He tried to think of what Mummy used to say when he was little and would hurt someone’s feelings. Two simple words… He didn’t know if two words can make all the pain Sherlock was feeling go away, but he had to try because right now anything was better than nothing. "I'm sorry..." He whispered before he even knew what was happening. 

John sighed, a long and suffering sigh, "I know, Sherlock... I know." He finally looked at Sherlock, "just don't do it again, yeah?" 

Sherlock nodded slowly and for the rest of the cab journey, they rode in uneasy silence. 

~O~

The cab seemed to drive on forever, but eventually it came to a stop in front of Sherlock's – and his – home.  It was still weird to him calling it his home, but it was, because at the moment he didn’t have one. He left the cab with Sherlock still inside so that he would have to pay the cabbie. It was only fair really and John knew he shouldn’t be mad at Sherlock, but he honestly couldn’t help it… Sherlock was socially awkward, hell, everyone knew that! He knew that even before he talked to Sherlock.

He sighed and scrubbed his face as he sat on his bed. He suddenly remembered the bombardment of calls he had received and pulled his mobile out. They were all from Harry and that worried John a little bit, but surely she was fine. They were sort of close she probably just missed him. He had nothing better to do so he called her back. He waited and waited and then it went to her voicemail. He sighed and set his mobile down. John flopped on the bed and stared at the ceiling he felt like he was going through a midlife crisis and yet he was only seventeen… surely that couldn’t be good. After a few minutes he slowly picked up his mobile and tried again. It still went straight to her voicemail. That wasn’t like Harry… She almost always answered her mobile. He’d give it ten minutes before he called again. He decided to take a shower in the meantime, to try and take his mind off of today’s events. He stripped his clothes and got in the shower, letting the water wash over him and drain all the emotions from the day away. Showers always seem to have a calming effect on him, and if he could he would stay in the shower forever, but right now he was worried so he reluctantly got out of the shower and dried off. He got dressed and called Harry again. When Harry didn’t answer he panicked. Something was definitely wrong here. He ran down the stairs and grabbed the first pair of keys he found.

“John..?” Sherlock was sitting at the table bugging Mycroft when John came running down the stairs, looking a little bit insane. He watched as John ran through the garage, and then heard a car start and peel away. Sherlock was fairly certain John didn’t know how to drive… Sherlock glanced at Mycroft and frowned, “is that normal behaviour when you and your boyfriend are fighting…?”

Mycroft swallowed thickly and stood up immediately, “nope. Not at all, Sherlock. Come on.” He grabbed the other pair of keys and ran to the garage as well. He didn’t know what was going on, but after doing a bit of digging on John’s family history he knew it couldn’t be good – not good at all. And even if he was never going to admit it to anyone, but himself, he cared for Sherlock a lot and he knew that if something – anything were to happen to John, Sherlock would not be okay – that and he seemed to be growing fond of John. He was always going to be there for his baby brother and right now Sherlock needed him even if he didn’t realise it yet.

~O~

John drove the 2012 BMW 5 series as fast as he could. He didn't know how to drive, not one bit, and the fact that it was a newer car was a tad scary, but Harry was in trouble and damn him if he wasn't about to risk everything to save her. He barely touched the gas and the car seemed to lunge forward like he pressed it too hard. He growled and pressed lighter and soon he got the foot work of the gas pedal down to a manageable pace. He turned the corner and screamed as he almost hit a dog, but luckily for him he managed to miss it. He kept driving on the curb and all he could think about was ‘thank god this wasn’t stick shift’. He was actually quite surprised that no one pulled him over for reckless driving and eventually, he pulled the car up to his house and jumped out. He didn't even bother to turn it off; he just ran to the front door and burst into the house. What he saw made his heart clench and panic rise in him. He stood there breathing heavily as he watched the scene play out. He was frozen; he didn't know what to do. He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he couldn't speak. He watched in horror as his father had both hands around Harry’s neck and was currently yelling at her. He was in shock and the only thing that finally brought him back to life was his father’s booming voice.

"You have some fucking nerve coming back here!" He growled, as he continued strangling the life out of Harry.

"IM GOING TO KILL YOU!" John screamed and was finally able to lunge at his father. He was a lot like Mycroft in that sense… Even if they weren’t close he would do anything and everything for his baby sister – even if it killed him.

His father reacted quickly, however, and threw Harry aside so that she slammed into the wall, but that was all fine with John because at least she was coughing and gasping for air – at least she was  _ safe . _ If he had been minutes later he was positive that he would have been too late.

John tried to knock his father over, but his dad was obviously stronger. He picked John up and then slammed him to the floor and pinned him down, "I said I didn't want a fag as a son! I told you that I would kill you if you came back." He said calmly as he wrapped his short, chubby fingers around John's neck.

John just glared up at his father, "You're pathetic! Did you know that? Technically me being gay is your fault!" He spat trying to buy himself time, but he knew better than anyone that there wasn't anyone coming so what was the point..?

"Why you little-" he squeezed harder, cutting off John's airway.

"FATHER STOP!!" John faintly heard Harry's raspy voice call from somewhere in the distance, "I- I have a girlfriend! Her name is Clara! I love her and I'm planning to run away with her!"

Ted immediately stopped strangling his son and glared at her, "so what you are saying is I have two fairies for children?" He pulled out a gun, which had been hiding in the back of his trousers, and pressed the barrel to John’s temple.

Harry screamed and started crying, "no! Father! Please!" She choked and watched as he cocked the gun.

John barely registered what was happening. He was heaving for breath and everything sounded far, far away. Like he was underwater and he was trying to listen to the sounds on the surface. He didn't hear the door open and he didn't feel Sherlock tackle his father to the ground wrestling for the gun. He coughed and coughed as things started to become clearer and more focused. He turned his head and his brain stopped. He blinked rapidly and tried to call out, but his sound didn't travel. His throat felt like it was on fire. It hurt so much and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that it hurt to speak or yell because he wanted to reach out, but he couldn’t. His vocal cords wouldn’t let him and he hated that.

Eventually, Ted had Sherlock pinned to the ground and he had control of the gun, 'where the fuck is Mycroft!' Sherlock thought as he glared the gun down. If he was going to die he was not going to be frightened. Well, okay, let's be honest. He was terrified, but he would most certainly not let it show. He wouldn’t give Ted the satisfaction of the fear in his eyes as he pulled the trigger – as Sherlock's brain exploded onto the wall with the frightened look still on his face. He wouldn’t let Ted win this battle. He may have the satisfaction of killing him, but he would never –  never see the fear Sherlock was feeling at that exact moment.

"Sherl–" John coughed and groaned, "Sherl–" he took a deep breath. "Sherlock.... Don't... Please..." He managed. He knew it was stupid because Sherlock wasn't doing anything... He didn't have a choice in the matter. He was about to watch as his father killed the man he loved. He hadn't even told him how he felt yet... It was too soon – all new. He started to cry as he stared at Sherlock.

Sherlock didn't answer. He kept staring at the gun and he reached his hand across the floor and found John's. The touch of John's fingers on his calmed him and he gave a reassuring squeeze that everything was going to be okay, even if he didn't feel it himself. He held onto John with everything he had, projecting as much kindness and love towards the boy as he could. A ‘thank you’ because John had saved him and at least he got to experience some happiness before he died. The young detective had always known he wouldn’t live a long life. Somewhere deep down he knew that he would die at a young age, but when he pictured dying he was always alone – alone and cold and dark. He wasn’t alone now though... He had John and that’s all he could possibly ask for. Sherlock closed his eyes, letting peace wash over him, as the sound of the gun shot rang through the air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......well apparently I'm Moffat.... I just kept writing and then I thought "Hey Whitney! it would be a brilliant idea to.... STOP THE CHAPTER!" so I did... Anyway! New Chapter next week guys!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT AND KUDOS THE STORY IF YOU LIKE IT!! I LOVE HAVING FEED BACK AND HEARING WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE TO SAY!!! AND YES IM WRITING THIS AGAIN TO MAKE SURE YOU GUYS SEEEEEEE IT!!! GRRR!


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a feelsy chapter, but i like it (:

The touch of cool fingers washed over John. It was meant as an act of comfort, to reassure him everything was going to be alright, but instead it just brought sadness. No matter how hard he wanted he couldn’t fix this… No one could. This was the end for Sherlock and it hurt John to know that he was partly to blame. Slowly he closed his eyes as he held Sherlock's hand. He couldn’t watch… he couldn’t watch his best friend die. If he did the image would haunt him for a lifetime, of that he was sure. He flinched and squeezed Sherlock's hand as hard as he could as soon as he heard the sound of a gun being fired.

Sherlock’s body was completely relaxed waiting for the bullet to hit him, but it never came. Slowly he opened one eye to see Ted wobbling back and forth on his feet. The next thing he knew Ted was falling forward, but before he could land on top of Sherlock, Sherlock was able to roll away. He ran into John and smiled up at him. “Hi.” He whispered as he stared at John's face. A face which he thought he would never be able to see again.

John's eyes flew open. He didn’t understand… He looked back and forth from Sherlock to his father, and then he looked at the door where he saw Mycroft breathing heavily and holding the gun out in front of him. John swallowed hard as he looked back at his father, who was currently laying completely still on the floor. “Is he…?” He couldn’t finish that sentence, but thankfully Mycroft understood it nonetheless.

“No. He’s not dead. I just shot him in the leg.. To be honest I’m surprised he passed out…” His chest was heaving in and out. He was practically shaking on the inside with fear, but he wouldn’t let Sherlock know that… caring was a disadvantage for him. He would blame the cake on his shortness of breath before anything else.

“Glad to see you made it just in time…” Sherlock drawled, clearly not happy with how close his life was to ending.

“Sorry.. I couldn’t find my gun because it wasn’t where I last put it.” Mycroft scrunched up his face, clearly blaming Sherlock for the misplacement of his gun. Sherlock just rolled his eyes at him in return.

John looked at his father and then looked up at Sherlock. He let out a cry of happiness as he wrapped his arms around him and held him as tight as he could. He didn’t care if Sherlock could breathe he was just ecstatic that Sherlock was even still alive. He knew from that moment on that he owed cakeman anything and everything he ever needed because saving Sherlock's life was the best thing that has ever happened to him. “Don’t ever do that to me again, you twat!”

Sherlock just chuckled. It was so like John to use vulgar language at a time like this. “Well I can’t promise you anything, but I will try my hardest to stay alive forever and ever.” He smiled and pushed himself up a tad to kiss John sweetly.

John smirked into the kiss as his hands found a place in Sherlock’s hair. “Tosser.” He whispered, lovingly.

“Always.” Sherlock whispered back.

Mycroft rolled his eyes, but was smiling at the sentimental exchange happening further in the room. “Well, I called an ambulance. Harry.. Will you be alright here?” He waited for an answer, but she just nodded at him. “So, we have one of two options. We can wait for the ambulance to arrive to make sure he doesn’t leave or we—“

“Or we can shoot him.” John said flatly. He wanted the man lying on the floor dead and lying in a pool of his own blood. He didn’t want to have to deal with him. He had hurt harry, he had hurt John, and then he hurt Sherlock. John hated the man and wanted him to die so that he could go straight to hell.

“Now John.” Mycroft drawled. “Think about this. Wouldn’t it be worse if he were taken to a place and locked up never to see the light of day again? Because I can assure you that’s where he is going.” He waited for John to respond and when he didn’t he continued. “My family owns a special place. Much worse than jail. He will go in and he won’t come out that much I can promise you.. So now the question is: Do you want to stay here and wait for the ambulance to arrive or do you want to leave right now?

John looked up at Sherlock hoping he would tell him what the right thing to do was. Sherlock just stared at him. He supposed the right thing would be to wait… He was his father after all, but John couldn’t stand to be in the room with this man any longer. All he wanted to do was to go home and take a shower, to wash off all the bad memories away. “I want to leave…” He whispered and tore his eyes away from his unconscious dad. He watched as Mycroft nodded and then walked out of the house.

Sherlock stood up and held out his hand. “Come on…” He whispered. If he was being completely honest with himself he was a bit shaken up and terrified, but he kept reminding himself that it was over and nothing bad was going to happen now.

John shook his head. His neck hurt and he didn’t feel well. He kept staring at his father’s bleeding body and he couldn’t look away. “Carry me..” He felt Sherlock bend down and lift him into his arms. His eyes fell shut, but then opened when he remembered about Harry. He wanted to tell her to come with him, to tell her that Sherlock has plenty of space and that he wouldn’t mind, but when he looked at the spot she was recently standing in… she wasn’t there. He sighed as he realised she must have already ran off. He let his eyes slip closed again as Sherlock carried him to the car and back to a place where he could call home.

~O~

The car pulled up to the house and John got out without a word. He needed a shower even though he wasn’t necessarily dirty. He just needed to wash all the bad stuff away, watch it run down the drain and disappear forever. However, he knew that was impossible… He sighed as he went up to his room and went into the bathroom. He turned the faucet and stripped down to nothing. After a while the room filled with steam and he sighed happily. John made his way over to the shower and stepped inside.

The water rushed over him just like he wanted. He slowly sank down so that he was sitting and leaning back against the wall. That was his favourite part about the shower, the ability to sit down, but have the feeling of hot rain pouring down on him. John let his eyes fall shut and he just forgot, he couldn’t tell you how long he was in there for, but by the time he got out he was bright red. This brought a smile to play on John's lips. Slowly, he wrapped a towel around him and stepped out into his room. John looked up and practically screamed as he saw Sherlock sprawled on his bed. He really wasn’t expecting Sherlock to be in here… In John's brain he seems to think that Sherlock hates him for what happened tonight.

Sherlock looked up and blinked at John's scream. “What’s wrong?” he flailed, sounding concerned.

“I- nothing you just scared me…” he walked over to the dresser and pulled open one of the drawers, searching for some pants. “I thought you were mad at me…” He mumbled, mainly to himself, but of course Sherlock still heard him.

Sherlock's heart broke. John thought that he was mad at him because he almost died… that was so, so very wrong. “John… I’m not..” he trailed off and swallowed. He waited until John had his pants on. “Come here…” He whispered. When John didn’t move he racked his brain for things that could help. He was never good at emotional problems and now that he actually had to talk about them… it troubled him. “Please.”

John stood there for a minute staring at the floor before he nodded and slowly made his way over to Sherlock. He climbing into the bed and nuzzled himself into Sherlock's arms. The warmth of Sherlock's arms wrapping around his naked back soothed him and he closed his eyes. “It’s my fault…” he whispered.

“No! It wasn’t! I would die a thousand times over if It meant I could save your life.” He said as he ran his fingers through John's wet hair. In all of his years of not caring he never thought he would be a cuddly person, but he loved cuddling with John.

“You said that you would live forever and ever though…” He sniffled and grabbed one of Sherlock's hands. “You promised…” he whispered as he started to play with his fingers.

“And I promise that I will live forever and ever, unless, it means that dying is going to save your life…” He paused and took a deep breath. He watched as John’s hands were playing with his fingers and he added very quietly, so quietly he wasn’t sure if John even heard it. “Wanna know why…”

John tried to think of reasons that Sherlock would do that, but he couldn’t. He thought about just being quiet for a while, but that wouldn’t be good either. “Why…?” he finally whispered as he continued to play with Sherlock's hand.

“Because even though everyone thinks it’s not possible… even though I thought that myself up until three days ago… even though the world might not ever agree with our life choices… and even though your father hates you for it… I-“ He took a long shaky breath. This was hard for him, but he wanted to do it. “I think I love you….”

John's breath caught. He didn’t know what to say and of all the things he thought Sherlock was going to say it wasn’t that. John knew it wasn’t true, but Sherlock had a reputation of not caring for anything… of being a sociopath. He swallowed thickly as he thought that he used to be one of those kids who thought that about that of Sherlock. Ever since Primary school Sherlock had been there. Hiding away… being by himself on the playground, looking at worms. No one wanted to go to Sherlock, no one wanted to reach out because Sherlock was different. Even John hadn’t wanted to go near him at that young age, but the truth was Sherlock was just a lonely scared little boy on the inside, a boy that had to go through years and years of solitude because he happened to be different. Even now he got made fun of consistently and it made John sick to think that he would not be laying here with Sherlock right now if he didn’t take that up that dare.

“Please say something…” Sherlock swallowed as he kept taking in deep breaths to try and calm himself.

John rolled in his grip and swallowed. He gently brought his hand up and stroked Sherlock's cheekbone. “I love you, too.” He whispered. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t?” He frowned.

Sherlock pursed his lips and then shook his head. “I wanted to… I did, but then I thought back to Vanessa… And my father… Mycroft, everyone at school. Do you know… ever since I was in Primary school I’ve been told the same thing.. It’s always the same concept, same phrase… After a while it just-“ He took a breath and closed his eyes. “It just sticks... and you start to believe what they say.” He was glad for the darkness that enveloped them… He wasn’t good about talking about his feelings in general, but in the dark it was easier to talk. “They say ‘sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you’ well I think that whoever came up with that is a fucking twat. Because they do… they do hurt. You start to take in everything they say to heart and you think ‘maybe the world really will be a better place without the freak in the back of the class that can read minds’… so you start planning. Planning to make them happy, to finally give them what they want. You sit in your room contemplating on the idea while you’re sitting on your bed with a bottle of pills, or a gun, or maybe a rope… and you just… cry. For me it was the gun… that’s why Mycroft couldn’t find it…” A tear escaped his eye and fell from Sherlock's face, but he didn’t care. “Everyday I would lock myself in my room for hours thinking, writing, planning. I sat there with the gun pressed to my head and I thought ‘come on Sherlock.. Just pull the trigger. No one will even notice your missing because no one wants you… your mum’s never around and neither is your father, Mycroft has been telling you since you were a young age that caring isn’t an advantage so obviously he didn’t care, and then the people at school who take time out of their day to make your life a living hell… well they obviously want you gone. They have said it enough times that it’s stuck’… but then I think…  ‘Don’t do it Sherlock… you’re stronger than this and what is this going to prove? That you’re weak? That you’re letting them win?’ So I put the gun down because even if they make my life miserable everyday of their lives… I refuse to let them win.”

John was a crying mess. Out of everything he had thought he had never thought Sherlock had let the words get to him. He clung to Sherlock with everything he had and he refused to let go. “Sherlock… I’m so sorry… I had no idea…” He whispered between breaths. God, what could he even say to that..? More than anything he was glad Sherlock was still here, but it still hurt him deeply to know that Sherlock felt like that every single day…

Sherlock smiled sadly as he ran his fingers through John's hair. “Most people don’t, love.” He laid their holding John in silence. “Just remember that you saved me…” he whispered and kissed John's head. “Now go to sleep…” He felt as John nodded against him and soon the smaller boy was asleep in his grip. It had been a long day and he was thankful that John didn’t make a bigger deal about his past life. He closed his eyes and let deep sleep wash over him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it may be out of character for Sherlock to say that... but in a way I don't really think so.... the way I see it is that he's hurting... and he's hurting a lot... he wants to confide in someone, but he doesn't trust anyone to go to... He trusts John so that's why he told him.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a regular school day.... well I say regular... (;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT HAVING A CHAPTER UP LAST WEEK!!!! But my computer was broken and it was angry making and it's still sort of broken, BUT!! it's better than it was!! HURRAH!!!

School. School. School. School. _School_ _!_ Sherlock hated school with the passion. It was absolutely pointless because he already knew everything! But Mycroft and his father would have none of it. He thought that maybe he could get out of it because he had almost died yesterday, but when he heard the door open and saw cakeman standing in the doorway, covering his eyes with his hand, he realised that that was not the case.

"Wake up! Time for school!!!" He sung with his hand over his eyes still.

Sherlock groaned and rolled his eyes. "I'm already awake and we aren't doing anything you don't need to act like an adolescent child."

Mycroft dropped his hand and glared. "I happened to be respecting your privacy! Anyway, John's still asleep. Wake him up and get ready for school!"

"Mycroft! I almost died yesterday! I'm not going to school." He pouted and held John closer

"Ahh, but you see you didn't! So you still have to go!" He snickered and then left.

Sherlock threw a pillow at the back of his head and he laughed. He ran his fingers through John's hair gently. "John... John wake up, love.." He kissed his head.

John woke up slowly and groaned. It was still dark outside and Sherlock was waking him up! He didn't understand... "Whyyy?" He pouted.

"Because it's time for school." He smirked and ran a hand down John’s naked back.

"Fuck..." He groaned and then snickered and pretended to cough. "Actually I'm sick!"

"You are not!" Sherlock smirked. "Now come on. Get up."

John reluctantly rolled out of bed and fell on the ground, he crawled to the dresser and found a shirt and some trousers and started pulling them on. John really hated mornings....

Sherlock just laughed and stood up. "Oh! Stop being so dramatic! School can be fun!" He snickered because it most definitely couldn't. He walked to the bathroom to take a quick shower.

"Oi! Shut it!" John grumbled as he pulled his jumper on and his trousers, while he was still on the floor.

When Sherlock emerged from the bathroom he looked like a god, to John anyway. He was still wet and had his towel wrapped loosely around his hips.. All John would have to do was—

"I like that jumper on you." Sherlock smiled, making John lose his train of thought. "It's probably the only one I do like. It's not hideous!"

"Hey! My other jumpers aren't hideous!" He was wearing his black and white stripped one. It was thin and made of cotton and it showed off John's rugby body.

Sherlock hummed. "Keep telling yourself that." He snickered and started to get dressed.

John threw a pillow at his back and headed downstairs. He wasn’t angry, he was just hungry, and he figured it wouldn’t hurt to give Sherlock some privacy. He fixed himself some breakfast and sat down to eat his oatmeal. He felt like it was bland, but really that was all they had at the Holmes residence because some people didn’t like much flavour. John glared at the ridiculous thought.

Eventually, Sherlock came down the stairs all dressed and ready to go. He always dressed in a suit, and looked posh. Most of the kids made fun of him for it, but John thought that if he dressed any less he wouldn’t be Sherlock really. He knew that that was a silly thought, but he couldn’t help but think it. John finished his horrendous oatmeal and then said goodbye to cakeman. He smiled and walked out the door with Sherlock.

~O~

John sighed as he picked at his food. It was a nice day outside, sure, but he just wished that he could be sitting on the grass eating lunch with Sherlock. After his little confession last night, John has felt like the worst boyfriend known in existence. Not because he didn’t know, but because he didn’t really say much after… he had no idea what to say! It was probably better that way anyway; Sherlock doesn’t like to deal with emotion. Still… the thought of not being there for Sherlock after he said that hurt a bit.

John looked up from across the lunch table and to what was known as ‘Sherlock’s tree’. He always sat there and people tended to stay as far away from the tree as possible… unless of course you were going to pick on him. John smiled as he watched Sherlock read ‘Treasure Island’. John wasn’t one to say anything, but that book was so worn he imagined that Sherlock had read, and reread, it a lot. He meant to ask Sherlock about it, but he didn’t want to make Sherlock uncomfortable and he had just never got around to it. Sherlock looked so beautiful sitting up against the tree trunk and the sun—

 “—Isn’t that right John?”  John was snapped out of his thoughts by one of his rugby friends. John took his eyes off of Sherlock at looked at the kid, known as Alex.

“I’m sorry. My mind was somewhere else… What was that?” He felt like a twat admitting that. They had probably been talking to him this whole time and he wasn’t even listening.

“We were just saying that if Brian and Sherlock were to fight.. Brian would win. We wanted your opinion.” He explained while the other players snickered and gave Brian arm punches.

John sighed and looked at Sherlock. “Oh I dunno… I feel like Sherlock has some hidden muscles.. I bet he’s one of those kids you think is scrawny and then BAM! He has you in a head lock.”

Brian growled. “I can take him! I’ll even prove it!!” he stood up and started stomping over to Sherlock's tree.

‘shit… shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit balls and buggery!’ John quickly jumped up from the table and followed Brian… which was a mistake because now the whole entire table was following him!

“Hey!” Brian yelled and stopped right in front of Sherlock.

Sherlock sighed and didn’t look up from his book. They weren’t worth his time. He probably just came over to call him some names, push him around a bit, and then he would leave. He had John now so he didn’t care what they thought of him anymore. “Yes, Brian?” He hummed, with his nose still buried in the book.

“When I’m talking to you, you look at me! Do you understand?!” He spat.

Sherlock rolled his eyes. “And why would I look at you when I know you just came over here to pick on me? I’d much rather read, Brian, bullying doesn’t suit you.”

“Maybe I came over here to confess my undying love to you.” He hummed and kicked at Sherlock's out stretched, crossed feet, gently.

“Well, then, in that case I am not interested. As I appreciate the sentiment you’re not really my type so just run along and get back to yo—“ Sherlock was interrupted by the book being taken rudely from his hands. He finally looked up at Brain and glared at him. “Give. That. Back.”

“OH! So that got your attention!” He smirked. “Tell me Sherlock what would happen if I were to…” He trailed off as he started to rip the first ten pages out.

“STOP IT!!!” Sherlock screamed. “My grandmother gave that to me!” He would not stand up. He would _not_ stand up. Because standing up would lead to a fight and that was not a road he wanted to go down.

“Awww!! That’s so fucking precious!” He sneered as he just gave up on the ten pages and tore the book in half. It took less time and now the whole thing was destroyed. He threw the remaining scraps at Sherlock's face and started laughing hysterically, as did the rest of the team… all but John anyway.

John drew in a sharp breath. He was so close to saying something… but it was just a book… Sherlock wasn’t hurt… it was fine…

Sherlock looked down at the scraps in his lap and felt rage. That was _his_ book. That book was special to him and they just took it and ruined it. He looked up at Brian with eyes that were on fire. “Tell me Brian. Do you bully me because you’re jealous? Or do you bully me because it’s the only way you can talk to me? Because we both know that you like me, but are to fucking scared to admit it!” He growled.

Brian screamed. How dare Sherlock accuse him of being a poof! He ran over to Sherlock and yanked him up by his hair. He snickered when Sherlock yelped. “You know… I originally came over here because Johnny boy said that I couldn’t beat you up in a fight. I wasn’t going to fight you because I’m better than that, but when you sit there and tell lies about me… well you really should learn your place at this school!” he hissed and shoved Sherlock up against the tree, holding him there.

Sherlock coughed a little bit and was terrified if he was being honest. He had got beaten up before, but it has only happened twice. Usually it was just emotional abuse he received from his peers. “Oh, Brian, are you going to punch me? This is a low… especially for you.” He hummed. He refused to let them see the fear.

Brian thought about this and then a slow smile spread across his lips. He saw the way John was looking at him…and this would only prove his theory. “No, actually I think I will have your boyfriend do it. Right here.” He trailed his freehand down to Sherlock's stomach.

‘What… Did- did John tell them…?’ Sherlock blinked. If John hadn’t told them and he was just being a smart arse.. Well he supposed for John's sake he would play dumb. “And who might that be?” He drawled, clearly sounding un-amused.

“Why none other than our head captain!!” He snickered.

John's heart dropped. He had no idea how Brian knew… maybe he was just guessing… he didn’t know, but he wasn’t about to agree with the low life brat. “Umm. You’re mistaken. I’m not gay.”

Brian snickered “then prove it.” He hummed as he held Sherlock tighter against the tree.

John sighed and looked at Sherlock. “And how the fuck do I do that?”

Brian groaned. Really John was an idiot sometimes. “You punch him in the stomach… I already said that..”

John wasn’t an idiot.. He knew exactly what Brian had wanted… even if it had scared him. Even if he wouldn’t do it, but if he didn’t… if he didn’t then they would know and it wouldn’t just be Sherlock getting picked on it would be him too! John really shouldn’t care that much about his reputation… but he did and Sherlock understood that… “No, I’m not going to do it… you ruined his book.. Just let him go, yeah?”

Brian laughed and then spat in Sherlock's face. “Nah, he needs to learn his place. Rainbows like him don’t belong here.”

Sherlock tried not to gag at the spit that was dripping into his eye. He swallowed and looked at John.

“Besides… If you don’t hit him then we all know that you’re dating him.” Brian hummed.

“That’s fucking ridiculous! I just don’t want to hurt someone who was doing absolutely nothing!” John wouldn’t look at Sherlock. He’d get angry at Brian and really that wouldn’t be helping anyone.

Sherlock took a breath. He knew what John was thinking and it killed him. “No, you just don’t want to be like your father. You don’t want to abuse someone like he abuses you.”

Brain watched as John swallowed hard. “Now you have a reason John! DO IT!” He screamed.

John shifted, but he would not punch Sherlock. He would not hurt him… not after what he said. “No. Just leave him alone.”

“Trouble in paradise, huh? Too bad. If you won’t do it I will. I’ll beat the shit out of him… But then again if you were to do it you would beat the shit out of him… so I guess either way he’s getting the shit beaten out of him.”

John's eyes flicked to Sherlock's. He saw Sherlock give him a subtle nod. Sherlock was terrified, but if he was going to get hurt he would want John to do it. That’s what Sherlock was saying. John barely registered that the rugby team was calling him a ‘wuss’ and a ‘sissy’. He stepped forward and looked at Brian. He swallowed hard.

“You know, ‘cause the thing is… I don’t think you are fit to be head captain if you can’t beat up a low life such as Mister Holmes.”

John swallowed. Before he got to know Sherlock he felt the same way… he would do anything and everything to prove himself.. He just hoped Sherlock could forgive him. He stepped forward and punched Sherlock straight in the stomach. He watched as Sherlock yelped and coughed and slumped to the floor. He saw Brian blink because he didn’t think John was going to do it. He saw the look of betrayal that flashed through Sherlock's eyes. He tackled Sherlock so they tumbled down the hill and far enough away so that the team could see, but couldn’t hear.

Sherlock felt like someone had ripped his heart out and ate it. He knew John would do anything to protect his reputation, but he was hoping… deep down he was hoping that John wouldn’t do it. He looked up at John after they had tumbled down the hill and he nodded as John said: “follow my lead.” John threw punches and he yelped and pretended to get hit. John never hit him… not again.. He was smart in that sense… but his stomach was killing him, he wanted to throw up, and he was 91.143% sure that his left ribs were bruised.

After about two minutes John got off of Sherlock and pretended to kick him and Sherlock had taken his chances and had gotten up and ran. John felt awful, but at least now they were off his back. He went back up the hill and the rugby players cheered whilst clapping him on the back. He just wanted to go to Sherlock, but he couldn’t. He sighed and watched as his friends laughed and went back to lunch.

~O~

Sherlock ran to the toilet. His body hurt so much, not just from the punch although that played a big part in it, but because he was also hurting at John's choice. He locked the door as soon as he got there and sunk down onto the floor as he cried into his knees. Weakness didn’t really suit him, but alone, in closed room, he would allow himself to cry. He felt betrayed and bruised and broken. Slowly, he brought his shirt up and looked at his stomach. It was already starting to bruise and he knew that it was only going to get worse. His left ribs looked bruised too, and his wrists hurt from the tackle. He didn’t think his wrist or any part of him was broken, but he was definitely bruised and sprained.

He turned the faucet and started to scrub his face with water. Brian’s spit was dying on his face and it was disgusting. He looked in the mirror and saw that his hair was wild and his suit was a bit ripped. Mycroft would be asking questions. He wasn’t about to tell him that it was John otherwise John wouldn’t be allowed in the house. Suddenly, he didn’t want to go to school anymore for today. Even though had three more classes to go to, the last of which being one with John… and Brian. No. He knew not going to class would let them win. Something he told John he refused to do, but at the same time he couldn’t go and face John… not after that… he needed time.

Yes, John had avoided actually hitting him after they had tumbled down the hill, but he was screaming things. Awful things… and all because he wanted to make a show for his so called ‘friends’. Sherlock growled to himself as he turned off the sink. No, he would go home. He would let them win. He needed time alone, time to think. And even though it made him livid and angry and he was so very stupid. He had already forgiven John. Sure, he was mad at him. He was madder than hell, but he had forgiven him and that’s all that mattered.

~O~

John sat in class twirling his pencil around his finger, waiting for Sherlock to come through the door and take his seat in the middle of the classroom. The bell rang and Sherlock wasn’t there and John knew that he wouldn’t be making an appearance…. God, he felt like a prick, but he had to do it. He sighed and listened to the teacher, until someone poked him in the ribs. He jumped, but was able to keep quiet and looked at the culprit, which of course happened to be Brian. He sighed and turned his head to look at him. “Yes?”

“Looks like you finally broke the little twerp.” He snickered, along with a few other of the rugby players. “I’m proud of you captain!” He exclaimed, as he clasped John on the back. “Out of all the times we have picked on the freak we have never been able to get him to miss school or class! Sorry about the whole boyfriend thing, but I had to give you motive… you’re soft like that.” He hummed and then went back to his work.

John was vibrating on this inside. He broke Sherlock.. He broke Sherlock.. _He_ broke Sherlock! He was feeling horrible, and guilty, and the worst part of all of this was that Sherlock's confession from last night kept playing over and over and over again in his mind. He couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he wanted to. The clock ticked slowly on the wall and he just wanted this day to be over. He wanted to go to Sherlock and apologise because god, he was the biggest prick in the history of biggest pricks.

Eventually the bell ran and John stood up abruptly, he grabbed his bags and supplies and started walking out the door until he heard his name being called. He closed his eyes and sighed as he turned around. “Yes, Alex?”

“Oh.. I was just wondering if you could give me a few tips in practice today…”

Fuck. Practice… he had forgotten and he had skipped out on Friday. He couldn’t miss it so that would mean Sherlock would have to wait. A fake smile crept onto John's lips and he nodded. “’course, mate.” He watched as Alex’s face beamed. That was one good thing about being captain.. He could help people and make them happy. He smiled and walked out of the room going to the locker room to get changed.

~O~

Practice was a killer. His body ached and he was all muddy. It didn’t help that it had rained halfway through and the coach made them play on anyway. John was sweaty and he didn’t smell too good, but he had to go to Sherlock, so he packed up his rugby bag and school bag and started running to Sherlock's house. He had already ran in rugby practice and he was so very tired, but he had to make things right between them. He slowed once he got to the front gate and started walking. He didn’t want to be out of breath when he finally got to talk to Sherlock. Thankfully, the door was unlocked so he just opened it. He walked inside and saw that Sherlock was lying on the couch with some ice on his ribs. John swallowed back the guilt, walked into the room and sat on a chair across from him. “Hey… didn’t see you in class today…” He whispered.

Sherlock didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t want to look at John's wet hair and sticky body. If he had he wouldn’t be angry anymore and they wouldn’t talk… which they really needed to do. “Hmm, I wonder why.” Sherlock said sarcastically.

John swallowed because he really hated it when Sherlock used that tone with him. “Sherlock… I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to come out… I never wanted to hurt you, but—“

“I’m going to stop you because you just did what you were told to do and I had given you permission… however.. I really didn’t think you would actually go through with it.” He said sadly.

John was silent for a long moment before he finally spoke again. “How are you…” He whispered.

“Cakeman took me to the hospital… I refused to go, but the man is insufferable and forced me.” He said with his eyes still closed. “I… you sprained both of my wrists and my ribs and stomach are bruised, but other than that I’m fine.” He said flatly. “Now, go take a shower. You stink.”

John felt awful because really he hadn’t meant to hurt Sherlock at all and certainly not that bad. He swallowed and nodded and then went upstairs to shower. Showers were nice.. Showers helped him calm down… However this time he didn’t think the shower was going to help him this time, but he did what Sherlock said because he at least owed him that…

The water washed over John and unlike before it didn’t help at all. He stayed in there for a long while, not because he was trying to forget, but because he really didn’t want to go back out there and face Sherlock. Eventually, he turned off the water and got out. He got dressed and walked out of his bathroom to find Sherlock lying on his bed.

“I’ve already forgiven you…. Because I love you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not mad…” He whispered. “Come here…”

John did as he was asked and went to Sherlock. He lowered himself down so that he was lying next to the taller boy and smiled a little. The next thing he knew a weak fist was colliding with his stomach. If he was honest it didn’t really hurt at all, but if that’s what Sherlock needed then he would give it to him. He smiled and looked at Sherlock.

“There. Now we are even.” He smiled up at John and then rolled over to cuddle with him. “Just don’t do it again….” He whispered, so quietly he didn’t know if John even heard him, but he must have because he felt John brush his hair out of his face and nod slowly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Sherlawk!! )): Dont worry! things get better... and then they get worse.. but just remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel! heh! COMMENT AND KUDOS PPPLLLEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!! IT MAKES ME FEEL AWESOME INSIDE!


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I never really know what to put for a Chapter summary.. so.. um.. Sherlock is being all adorable and then john is adorable and it's just cute!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So about that every Thursday thing... Well it's just too hard because being a grown up is so so hard! and ugh! Like.... I work all the time and then I'm too tired to write... BUT DON'T WORRY I AM NOT GIVING UP!!! And this is the longest Chapter I believe!!

Two weeks later things were finally settling back to normal. Sherlock wasn’t really hurt anymore and John had been extra kind to him recently. It was funny really, because Sherlock wasn’t even angry, but if John felt the need to pamper him than Sherlock wasn’t one to argue. They still hadn’t had sex yet, but that was all fine. John wasn’t ready and secretly Sherlock didn’t think he was either. He wanted that moment to be a special moment that both of them would remember forever. Call him a hopeless romantic if you must, but truthfully Sherlock was like a delicate flower that needed to be taken care of specially and somehow John knew just how to do that.

Sherlock was especially happy today because John had started to sit next to him again in the last class they had together. It was stupid, it really, truly was, but Sherlock felt whole with John around. They were busy scribbling notes back and forth together and not really paying attention when the bell shrilled. Sherlock grinned like a madman, because he had been waiting all day for the final bell to ring. He grabbed John’s hand and tugged on him… until he remembered that he really wasn’t supposed to do that so he dropped his hand and lowered his voice. “Come on… I want to go somewhere.”

John laughed a bit. “Alright. Hold on, you.. I have to finish packing up my stuff.” He smiled a bit as he put his pencils in his back pack and slung it around to his shoulder. “Ready! Where do you want to go?” Sherlock just grinned more, if that was even possible, and ran out of the classroom. John had suspected that Sherlock would have been tugging him if the circumstances were different… One day he would come clean, but sadly that day was not today. It hurt him in a way to know that Sherlock wanted something so bad of him and he just wasn’t ready to give… He sighed and ran after the madman, because he would always run after him.

Eventually John caught up with Sherlock once they were well off of school grounds. He smiled and tried to catch his breath. “Slow down would you? I’m a thirty year old man, remember?!”

Sherlock bursted into giggles. “For a thirty year old man you’re pretty out of shape.” He snickered.

John frowned and nudged him in the arm. “Am not! Where are we going anyway?! Is it like that time in the arcade because I think if that happens again I will not hesitate to use my serial killer pow—“

“Oh relax, love! It’s nothing like the arcade! I promised I would never do that again, remember?!” Sherlock smiled softly and slipped his hand into John's. He took off again, but this time he was holding onto John, because there was no one around and he liked running with John holding his hand.

They ran for about five minutes and finally Sherlock stopped and smiled up at a building. He looked back at John and grinned. “It’s so old and dusty and rusty! It’s a brilliant place!!!” He started climbing on the dumpster to reach the window.

“Sherlock! What are you doing! Get down!!” John flailed. This place was really old and sketchy… It looked abandoned and he had no idea why Sherlock wanted to come here so badly…

“Come on, John!! It’s a crime scene! There’s a body in there! If I can just climb through the window I can examine the body while the idiot police officers drink their tea!”

“Sherlock!!” John whispered loudly. “You are going to fall and break your neck! Not to mention this is illegal! You could go to jail! I could go to jail!! Let’s just go home, yeah?”

Sherlock pouted and tried to reach the window, “John!! I need a boost. Because I can’t reach the stupid window! Plllleeeeeaaassseee!! I’ve never been to a crime scene before! I can solve it! I know I can!”

John shifted and bit his bottom lip. This was wrong on so many levels… If they got caught it would go on their permanent record! They would go to jail! John’s life would be ruined, but at the same time… he could not refuse a face like that… he groaned as he climbed onto the dumpster and bent down for Sherlock to climb on his shoulders. “And how am I supposed to get in, genius?!”

“I’ll lift you!” He heaved himself up and fell through the window.

John heard a thud and winced. “Babe! Are you alright?” He looked up and saw Sherlock pop his head out of the window. He smiled in relief.

Sherlock's heart swelled at the fact that John had called him ‘babe’ even though he really wasn’t one for pet names… but he liked it when John did it. He smiled and held his hands down for John to grab. “Yes, I’m fine.” He smiled brightly and heaved John up through the window.

“Well.. That was an adventure..” John said sarcastically as he jumped to the ground and brushed off the dust that had gathered on his clothes.

“Yes! And the fun hasn’t even started yet!!” He flailed and then ran off to another room.

John sighed and ran after him. He entered a room where Sherlock was crouched next to the dead body. John looked around for the officers, but Sherlock was right… they weren’t here because they probably were having their tea break… He watched as Sherlock moved around the body with fascination. John had to smirk to himself because Sherlock literally looked like a child in a candy shop. “Get anything?”

Sherlock was silent for a long time. He grabbed the woman’s hand and smirked to himself. Slowly, he lifted up the woman’s shirt. He grinned even brighter and put the shirt back down just as slowly. “Yes. This was actually really easy and I seriously don’t understand why they haven’t figured it out yet.” He smiled up at John and opened his mouth to speak again when he felt hands on his biceps yanking him back.

“What do you think you’re doing here!” a nasally voice, sneered.

John swallowed and looked at the other boy.. He couldn’t have been older than him and Sherlock. “We didn’t mean any harm I promise… He was just looking…”

“You’re all idiots!! I figured it out while you were drinking _tea_.” He growled and yanked away. “It was the husband! What’s your name?!”

“Anderson.” He glared at Sherlock. “And it wasn’t the husband it was her son!”

“Anderson.” Sherlock said calmly. “I’m going to be nice because you look like an idiot. I don’t even know what _you_ are doing here because you’re about my age, but it was the husband so I suggest you go and arrest him immediately!”

Anderson just blinked at him and then growled. “You’re a freak! What kind of person likes to look at dead bodies anyway?!” he yelled

“Well I could ask you the same exact question… tell me does your girlfriend know you are cheating on her?”

Anderson was about to open his mouth when more officers walked into the room. They ran towards Sherlock and John and grabbed both of them. “Who let you into this crime scene?” one of the officers asked.

“Well we let ourselves in.. however! I solved the case so really you should be thanking me. It was the husband..Now like I told Anderson you should probably go arrest him!”

“You’re just a kid! You don’t know anything! It was the son! He got angry because she had taken away his phone and car.”

Sherlock just blinked. Really he thought officers would be a lot smarter than this, but apparently he was wrong. “Well if you would just let me explain I can prove to you that it was the—“

“You’re not explaining anything! You can tell me nothing that is actually worth listening to! You don’t know anything and frankly I don’t even know how you got in here! But you are leaving now and you should be very grateful that we aren’t arresting the two of you.”

Sherlock thrashed and the officer just picked him up. He was very big and Sherlock was a twig. John sighed and was guided out after Sherlock. He didn’t fight so he didn’t get picked up. However, he watched as the officer practically threw Sherlock on the ground once they passed the police tape. He ran to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “You okay..?” He whispered.

“Fuck off.”  He growled.

He didn’t mean it.. John knew he didn’t mean it.. Sherlock was just angry and he wasn’t good at worrying about other people’s feelings when he was feeling too many of his own. So John did what any boyfriend would do… he remained silent, but he didn’t leave because he would never leave Sherlock, especially not when he was hurting.

~O~

The whole way home was filled with tense silence. Sherlock was angrier than John had ever seen and it hurt him… It hurt him so much because just hours before Sherlock couldn’t have been happier.  “So Sherlock… I’m going to go for a walk… will you be alright by yourself for a little while?” He swallowed. He knew he was leaving Sherlock at a bad time… at a really bad time, but he was hoping he could find a way to make it better…

“Really? Really?! Fine… whatever go.. I don’t care.” He growled and walked inside. He secretly hoped John would run to him and wrap his arms around him and tell him everything was going to be okay, but when he heard the footsteps running away he knew that that wasn’t going to be the case… He went inside and sulked on the couch.

Mycroft walked in the room and did a double take. “You look like hell… what happened?”

Sherlock sighed. “Cakeman.. Not even you and your brilliantness can fix this.” Sherlock and Mycroft were close. They had become even closer with John in their lives. He would never admit this, but he looked up to his brother a lot. Maybe one day he would be ready to tell him, but today was not that day.

“And what did you do that my brilliance wouldn’t be able to fix?” He sat down next to Sherlock and then wrapped his arms around his little brother.

Sherlock sniffled a bit and leaned into his brother. He looked incredibly young… but then of course he was young… even if he didn’t act like it at times. “I snuck into a crime scene today and told them who it was and they just laughed at me!! And now… now when I need him most John left!”

Mycroft sighed and ran his fingers through Sherlock's hair. “I’m sure he has his reasons little brother.”

“Well they’re stupid reasons! I wish he wasn’t so selfish sometimes!” he growled and punched Mycroft weakly in the leg

“It was him wasn’t it…?” Mycroft asked after a long moment.

Sherlock swallowed hard. “What was him..?” He knew what Mycroft was talking about… of course he did… he was not a stupid boy, but he just hoped Mycroft would drop it.

“Sherlock… don’t make me say it… two weeks ago.. You wouldn’t tell me… It was him wasn’t it.. He hit you.”

Sherlock drew in a sharp breath and stared at the wall as Mycroft held him. “He didn’t have a choice…. Please… don’t kick him out.”

Mycroft drew a long slow breath. “Sherlock… You don’t give me enough credit… I can see how happy he makes you.. I can see how much you need him.. I can see how much he’s helping… Hell I wouldn’t kick him out even if he killed our father.”

Sherlock growled. “I wouldn’t even mind that! I hate father!”

“Sherlock! Father isn’t _that_ bad and you know it… Now I know we don’t see eye to eye, but he’s your father and you should treat him with respect.”

Sherlock frowned more. “You just like him because he treats you with respect! He looks at me like I’m a fuck up and a freak! Just like everybody else and he’s rude to Mummy! I refuse to show someone kindness that acts like that.”

“Father is a good man… He just loses sight of that sometimes…”

Sherlock had enough of this. It was dark and John still wasn’t back. Sherlock hated his father more than anything in this world and Mycroft was telling him to treat him with respect. He untangled himself from Mycroft’s grip and walked up to his and John’s room.

~O~

John snuck into the room later that night. Sherlock was probably up because he never seemed to sleep, but when he opened the door he realised that he was wrong and that Sherlock was already fast asleep in bed. He sighed, but it was all okay because it was meant to be a surprise. He just hoped he made the right decision…

~O~

Sherlock groaned when he heard the annoying buzzing coming from the side of his table. School… He reached his hand over and turned off the alarm clock and then took a deep breath to try and get the sleep out of his eyes. He turned over to see a John sprawled out on top of the bed. That was odd.. Normally he was a light sleeper, but he didn’t even hear John come in last night. He shrugged it off and blamed it on the fact that Mycroft had pissed him off last night. Stupid Mycroft. Sherlock climbed out of bed and started to get ready for school. He would let John sleep a few minutes longer because John practically took three seconds to get ready… While Sherlock took ages because of his untamable hair!

Eventually Sherlock nudged on John. He would have kissed his head like he usually did, but Sherlock was a little fussy with him. When he saw John stir he smiled a bit and waited for him to open his eyes.. Or eye. “Hey.. We have to leave in ten minutes… I set your clothes on the bed for you… get dressed and I’ll be downstairs.” He smiled a walked away, without waiting for a reply from John.

John sighed and got up and out of bed. He took a short shower and then went out and looked at the clothes Sherlock had set out for him. He smiled because it was a black and white striped jumper. John had a suspicion that Sherlock was in love with that jumper and that was all fine with John. He got dressed and then came down the stairs, grinning. “So Sherlock! Later today I have a surprise for you… umm hopefully! I probably shouldn’t have even told you because it might not happen, but I’m just so excited!!” He grinned and hugged him.

“Oh, is it your coming out party to the school and it might not happen because you will, most likely, chicken out.” He drawled and pulled away from John's grip to put his shoes on.

John swallowed, hard. “No… look.. I’m sorry I left you last night.. I probably left you when you really needed me..” He heard Sherlock hum. “But I promise… that it will be alright… Okay..?”

“I’m sure it will, John.” He forced a smile and then stood up and walked out of the door.

“He’ll come around… I may or may not have pissed him off last night. He’s just taking it out on you because I just ignore him when he’s a prick.” Mycroft assured.

John sighed and nodded. “Let’s hope..” He ran after Sherlock.

~O~

John waited all day.. He was shaky and nervous and he felt like he was going to throw up… He had never done something so… so dangerous before!! It wasn’t even that dangerous in all honesty, but if he was wrong… Then it would be. At lunch it happened. He received a phone call and he practically screamed at the top of his lungs when he hung up. He ran to the grass and started doing cartwheels and flips and he would probably break his neck, but he was honestly too fucking excited to even care.

Sherlock blinked from his tree as he watched John. He was confused and nothing made sense and he didn’t know why John was so shaky… he was practically vibrating and screaming and he wished more than anything that he could go up and ask the blond headed boy what had just happened, but he couldn’t. So he stayed by his tree and watched John with fascination.

~O~

The bell shrilled and John jumped up. “Come on!! We’re going to be late!!” he ran out of the room and Sherlock was left blinking. He grabbed his stuff and ran after John.

“John! Slow down! I don’t even know where we are going!!” He flailed and to be truthfully honest he was still angry with John.

“You’ll see!!” He screeched and then took a blindfold out of his bag because he was prepared! He started tying it on Sherlock's head and was very surprised when Sherlock had let him.

“John, really I’m not in the mood for childish games. Take this off of me right now.” He groaned as John started spinning him in a circle.

“Nope! I Promise! This is going to make everything all better… EVERYTHING!!!” He started pushing Sherlock gently and nudging him in the direction that he wanted him to walk.

Sherlock groaned, “Yeah, I’m sure.” He mumbled under his breath. Honestly nothing could fix the mood he was in. He didn’t even know why he was so angry… Maybe it was because he thought the police would have taken him seriously and when they didn’t John just ditched him and was gone for hours! He followed John and eventually they reached a building. “Can I take this off now?!”

“No! Don’t!! It will ruin it!! You can’t take it off until the very last second!!” He flailed and grabbed Sherlock's hand. He pulled him through the doors and they went in an elevator. John couldn’t help, but laugh at Sherlock’s annoyance because he knew that Sherlock wouldn’t be annoyed for much longer. The doors dinged opened and John guided Sherlock out of the elevator. He walked for a few seconds and then stopped. “Alright. I’m going to take the blindfold off now.” He smiled brightly and took off Sherlock's blindfold.

Sherlock blinked as he looked around the room. “I-… I don’t understand…” He frowned. “John we shouldn’t be here… we’re just going to get into more trouble!” He flailed.

“No, you’re not.” A soft voice said from behind the two boys. “You’re here because your boyfriend told me a few things and then I invited you.”

Sherlock blinked. “I- I don’t understand..” John had talked to this man? And not only that, but he had said that they were dating… He looked at the man who turned out to be the current Detective Inspector.

The Detective held out his hand and smiled warmly. “Detective Inspector Garrett.”

Sherlock swallowed hard. He knew who the man was.. He kept up with everything because it was what he liked to do… He was sort of obsessed in a way. “I know…” he whispered and shook the Inspectors hand.”Sherlock Holmes..” He swallowed. He really couldn’t believe this was happening and John was just grinning like an idiot beside him.

“Oh I know who you are Mr. Holmes.” The DI replied with a smirk on his face. “Why don’t we step into my office, yeah?”

Sherlock nodded and slowly followed him into his office. He sat down next to John as the DI sat down across from them. The only thing between them was a desk. Sherlock watched as the DI slipped him an envelope. Sherlock didn’t understand.. But then again he wasn’t understanding a lot of things at the moment. He slowly opened it and inside was a cheque for £500. “What’s this for...?”

The DI blinked and looked at John, “You didn’t tell him?”

John shook his head slowly. “No, I wanted it to be a surprise…”

The DI smiled and looked at Sherlock. “Yesterday night John here came to me. I tried to get him to go away, but he was very insistent. I told him I didn’t have time for his childish games and he begged me to give him just ten minutes… so I did.. He told me about the crime scene and about what had happened and then he told me to question the husband. When I told him that that case was already closed and they had taken the son into custody he begged me to reopen it.. Just to talk to the husband and interrogate him more than we did. I told him that wasn’t possible, but he has a lot of faith in you… He said that if he was wrong then he would take the blame and that we could throw him in jail for a couple of days because he wasted our time.. So I thought to myself ‘a young boy like this.. With such a brilliant future ahead of him was willing to risk it all away because he had such faith in this Sherlock Holmes character.’ So I agreed and I’ll be damned. After five minutes he confessed to killing his wife. He found out she was cheating on him with another man and he lost it and then tried to blame the son…. You’re a brilliant man Sherlock Holmes… It would be an honour if you were to work with us one day.”

Sherlock swallowed thickly and looked at John. “This- this is where you went last night….”

“You were hurting Sherlock… You found out something that was really important to you and I watched as they laughed in your face…. I knew you were right because you’re always right.. And there was no way in hell I was not going to do anything about it.” He smiled a bit and reached over to grab his hand.

Sherlock was at a loss of words.. He didn’t know what to say other than the fact that John was probably the best boyfriend in the world and no one would convince him otherwise. He swallowed again because his emotions were trying to crawl up his throat and spill over. There were so many of them.. He felt guilty for doubting John… He felt overwhelmed that he had solved a case… his first case! And they believed him! They were taking him seriously and he even got paid. He was just feeling so much that it was almost too much, but he would be professional in from of the DI. Sherlock cleared his throat a bit and smiled. “Thank you… for listening to John..”

The DI smiled back. “No, thank _you_ for solving the case.” He smirked and then shook Sherlock’s hand again. “Tell you what… if we are ever stumped we’ll give you a call.” He smiled and then stood up and patted Sherlock's back. “Now run along home. You’re parents are probably worried.”

Normally Sherlock would have corrected him… Told him his parents didn’t care and weren’t ever around. But not today… No today was special… He took John’s hand and smiled. “Thank you, sir.” And with that the two young boys walked out of Scotland Yard.

~O~

Once out of Scotland Yard Sherlock took John's hand and ran all the way home. He wasn’t about to stop not when something so brilliant happened. He slammed the door open and ran up the steps, not bothering to shut the front door. All the while he was holding onto John’s hand so that he couldn’t escape! That did sound a little creepy in Sherlock’s head, but he needed John alone and he needed him alone now. He finally, finally, got to their room and opened the door and then slammed it as he pushed John against the wall. “That thing you did…” He whispered against John’s neck. “That was good.” He leaned in and kissed John's throat heatedly.

John swallowed and arched his neck again. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you where I was going… I wanted it to be a surprise and I wanted to make you happy..” He whispered and then the next thing he knew he was being pulled away from the wall and dragged to the bed. Sherlock pushed him on it and then he was crawling on top of John.

Sherlock leaned down and kissed John’s lips softly. His whole body was telling him to go fast, but he wanted to go slow. “I love you.. I love you. I love you. I love you.” He smiled and started taking off John’s jumper, carefully. He was in love with this jumper and he wasn’t about to ruin it! “And tonight I want you.” He whispered as he kissed John's collarbone.

John drew in a sharp breath as his mouth went dry. He nodded slowly and reached his hands up to start undoing Sherlock's shirt, but he batted his hands away.

“No, my love. This is all about you.. It’s my surprise to you.. Just lay there.” He whispered and started to take off his shirt slowly. He was already rock hard and his erection was straining against his trousers. He could barley even get home fast enough. He got his shirt off and watched as John licked his lips. Sure, they had seen each other naked, but this was different. This meant something… this meant everything. Not that any of the other times didn’t mean anything, but they both knew that this was different… This was their first time and it was going to be magical. It was going to be about forgiveness, love, an apology. It meant everything.

John lifted his body up and put his hands on the button of Sherlock's trousers. He slowly undid them and pulled them down. He did leave Sherlock's pants on though, because he wanted this moment to last.. Just like Sherlock. John reached for his own trousers, but was stopped by Sherlock's hands. Soon John's trousers were discarded as well and they were both kneeling on the bed in their pants. “Lie down..” John whispered softly as he gently pushed Sherlock to a laying position. 

John kissed from Sherlock’s jaw all the way down to the waistband of his pants. He smiled up at Sherlock and then pulled them off, slowly. John took off his own pants and then got between Sherlock’s legs. “Are you sure this is what you want…” He whispered.

Sherlock nodded slowly. “Yes, you gave me something so amazing words can’t describe what it meant to me… so now I’m giving you this.. I want to give you this… John I need you..”

John swallowed hard and nodded. “Of course… Anything…. Do you umm.. Do you have lube and condoms…?”

“Yes, nightstand… I didn’t know when the time would come, but I bought some because I wanted to be prepared.” He whispered as he watched John reach over to grab the items needed.

John poured the lube into his hand and then rubbed them back and forth to warm it up. “I’ve never done this before… so sorry if I’m rubbish..” He said softly and then gently pushed a finger into Sherlock.

It was way too fast! Granted, John did do it gently, but he didn’t do it slowly. Sherlock winced, “John! Slower please!!”

John jumped and stopped moving his finger. “Sorry!! Sorry!!” he waited awhile and then slowly started to push into Sherlock. He watched Sherlock's facial expressions to make sure he wasn’t hurting him.. But he seemed to be going slow enough now because Sherlock moaned and arched his back off the bed. John waited a while and then added a second finger.

It was much too soon… really very much too soon! “Patience really is a virtue, John!” He gasped and then squeezed his eyes shut. He heard John swear and apologise, but he didn’t take out, which secretly Sherlock was grateful… he just stopped moving and waited for Sherlock to get used to it.

John sat there with two fingers inside of Sherlock waiting for him to say he could move again. Eventually he saw Sherlock nod slowly and he continued with two until he added three, but this time Sherlock didn’t wince and he didn’t groan out of pain so John assumed that he was alright and kept going.

Sherlock was a moaning mess. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. It was a slight burn, but it was also so wonderful and so magical. He practically screamed when John hit the right spot. “Do that again!!” He said enthusiastically. And just like he asked John had did it again, and again, and again. Because John knew how to please him and would always know how to please him. He would never leave John… he would stay with John for as long as John would have him because he loved this boy so much. He felt as John pulled out his fingers and then watched as he rolled a condom onto his erection.

John was nervous and he was fumbling with the stupid plastic condom! Finally he got it on and lined himself up with Sherlock. “Like this…?” 

Sherlock thought of a thousand different ways, more intimate ways… that they could do it, but John was inexperienced so those positions were for a later time. He nodded slowly and then John pushed inside of him. It stung… It stung a lot, but he was a trooper and squeezed his hands into the bed sheets.

John moaned loudly as Sherlock's tightness surrounded him. He wasn’t even paying attention to Sherlock's face so he had no idea if he was hurting him… all he knew was that he really couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. It felt so good and he could barely think! His brain felt all fuzzy and this was really so much better than his left hand or rutting up against Sherlock. However rutting was nice too. He finally got all the way inside and stopped to take a few breaths. John really didn’t want to come already because that would be the most embarrassing thing in the history of embarrassing things. He also wanted this to last.

Sherlock waited patiently for John to move… when he didn’t Sherlock got a bit frustrated because he _needed_ John right this second or he was going to implode! “John.. I really need you to move, please..” He groaned and rolled his hips.

“Right! Sorry!” he gasped and started moving. Slowly at first and then eventually he was practically pounding into Sherlock and screaming from pleasure.

Sherlock didn’t mind. John kept hitting the right spot and it felt so good. He could feel the pleasure building and building until he was coming all over his chest and it felt like he was falling and he may have been making noises, but he honestly couldn’t even tell anymore.

Sherlock's muscles clenched around John and he lost it. He screamed Sherlock's name as he came deep inside of him. He kept moving back and forth riding out his orgasm until he collapsed on top of Sherlock and drew in gulps of breath because he felt like he had just run a marathon.

Sherlock smiled a bit and gently pushed John aside to that he fell into the mattress. Sherlock reached on the floor and grabbed the towel that John had used earlier that morning to wipe his and John's stomach off.

John hummed and closed his eyes. “I love it when you do that…” He whispered.

“Do what?” Sherlock asked softly as he cuddled to John's side and pulled the blankets around them.

“Clean me off… I just feel like it’s so against your nature… but here you are doing it..” He smiled happily and held Sherlock close to him.

“I just don’t want you to be sticky…” He whispered back.

“I know Sherlock…” He smiled to himself and kissed the top of his head. “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww!! wasn't that so adorable!! I thought so! I just love my Sherlock and John as a teenager! And when they grow up... Guys... I'm writing Chapter Eight as we speak and this story isn't anywhere near being done.... uhhhhh


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh Don't you hate these summary things.. Umm.. Sherlock and John have a bit of an adventure!! (Shit I think that that was my summary for the last Chapter...)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys... I had something serious to talk about here... AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER!!! faaaaacccccckkk. So this chapter is a little risky.. but like... so is this whole story... so I don't even know why I'm mentioning it... probably for the lack of not remembering what I really wanted to say.... AND IM SICK!! BUT HOPEFULLY THIS STORY WILL MAKE YOUR DAY BE FILLED WITH KINDNESSS...... also it ends on a cliff hanger.... terribly sorry about that... but am I really?!?! ((;

The next morning John awoke to the door slamming shut. He gasped, woke up abruptly and then fell out of the bed. He groaned and then blinked rapidly multiple times to try and get the sleep out of his eyes. “What is it? What’s happening!”

Sherlock started grumbling to himself and throwing things around the room. “You’re going to go away for a little while and come back when I text you! Do you understand, John?”

John frowned and stood up. He pulled some pants and a shirt on and then walked over to Sherlock. “Hey… Talk to me.. What is it..”

“Nothing! You are going to do as I say!” he growled and started to push John out of the room.

“Sherlock!! I’m in my pants! Don’t push me out… Talk to me..” He took his hand in his and held it.

Sherlock swallowed and looked down. “My father is coming and if he sees you.. He will want to meet you..” He whispered.

“I would love to meet your father!” He smiled softly. “I want to know everything about you.. And besides…. He can’t be worse than my father..”

Sherlock shook his head. “He’s rude and I hate him! I don’t want him to meet you! He’ll say you aren’t good enough.”

“Wanna know something?! I couldn’t give two shits about what your father thinks!” He smiled and kissed his forehead. “We’re in this together.”

Sherlock sighed. There was no point in arguing with John. “Alright.. but, you’ll have to put this on…” He handed John an expensive suit.

“Alright. I’m going to go shower.” He hummed then smirked. “Care to join me?”

Sherlock smiled brightly and nodded slowly. John always could make him forget about the bad stuff. Even if just for a second.

~O~

John got ready in the suit and put on the dress shoes. He was happy because Sherlock had just practically worshiped his body in the shower. He fixed his hair so that there were no flyaway’s and made himself look very presentable. He looked at Sherlock, who was already ready, and smiled slightly. “So…”

Sherlock grinned and walked over to him. He reached out and adjusted John's tie. “You look very handsome.” He said softly. “Let’s go.. My father should be here any minute and my mother has just arrived.” He smiled brightly.

~O~

John stood next to Sherlock with his hands clasped behind his back. It was so formal. Mycroft, Lily Holmes, John, and Sherlock were all standing in a line waiting to greet Sherlock's dad… They stood there for about five minutes before the front door swung opened and a tall muscular man with slicked back hair and a three piece suit entered the room. He looked at the line of people waiting by the door and gave a slight nod. “Family.” He hummed, but just the way he said it made John cringe on the inside… Suddenly his piercing eyes were on John and he frowned. “And who’s this?”

Sherlock smiled happily and stepped forward a bit. “This, Father, is my boyfriend John.”

Sherlock's father eyed John up and down and then looked at Sherlock. “I knew you were a poof. Oh well nothing I can do about it.” He sighed. “Although you could have chosen somebody less…” He paused trying to find the right word to say. “Financially challenged...”

“Sigar!!” Lily Holmes gasped as she watched her youngest son deflate.

Sigar’s eyes snapped to his wife. “Yes..?” He said innocently like nothing had even happened.

She just gave him a look that basically said ‘not another word or so help me…’ Expect Sigar was never really intimidated by his wife and he knew that his wife wouldn’t do anything even if he did say another word. So he simply nodded and gave a fake smile. “Well.. I’m famished! Shall we eat?”

Mycroft nodded and led the way to the dining room. They all sat in their assigned seating: Sigar and Lily at each end of the table, John and Sherlock on the left side, and Mycroft by himself on the right. One of the butlers brought out a bowl of soup as a starter. John smiled and ate it happily. The food was so amazing! “This is absolutely wonderful! Who made this evenings meal?” He hummed.

Lily perked up and smiled at John lovingly. “Oh I did, dear! I’m glad you enjoy it!” They all heard Sigar scoff in the background, but all of them chose to ignore it. John wasn’t about to yell at a man that he was trying to impress.

They ate the salad next and soon the main course came out. It seemed to be some sort of fancy salmon dish. John couldn’t really tell, but when he took a bite his mouth flooded with all sorts of flavours and it was one of the best things he’s ever tasted in his whole life. He was about to make a comment, but Sigar beat him to it…

“I’m really disappointed Lily. This meal has been extremely boring and frankly it wasn’t that good. The soup was cold, the salad was mushy, and salmon is over cooked.” He gave a look of disgust and pushed his plate away. “But then again… You never really could cook. I don’t even get why you even try anymore.”

John stared at him opened mouthed. He was completely and utterly shocked. He thought that everything was fantastic. Apparently he was staring and Sigar didn’t like that very much.

“Really Sherlock… You picked a defect. Tell me John.. Did you lose brain cells for every time your father beat you? I’ve met your father, you know.. He’s a lovely man and I’m sure that every beating he gave you was well deserved so basically you did that to yourself.”

John snapped his mouth shut and swallowed. He would not get angry… besides it didn’t really bother him when the remarks were directed at him. It was easier to handle, but he had to refrain from snapping when he was speaking so rudely to Lily… “I probably did, sir…” He said quietly. Maybe if he just agreed and didn’t give Sigar a reaction he would stop.

Sherlock cleared his throat awkwardly and rested his hand on John’s knee. “Father, I’m trying really hard. Stop talking to my partner like that.”

Sigar laughed and leaned back in his chair. “Oh right. I sort of forgot about you. How are you doing, Sherlock..?” He hummed.

Sherlock blinked and raised an eyebrow. Surely this had to be going somewhere…. “Umm I’m fine.. Thank you?”

Sigar hummed. “Mmm, so no more suicide attempts? Pity. Because you see.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table as he put his hands in front of his chin. “I rather think you’re a waste of space. You aren’t anything like Mycroft.. And you won’t ever be anything like Mycroft. You won’t succeed in anything in life because you’re a fuck up. A mistake. Fucking condom didn’t work on your mother here. It broke. No one wanted you Sherlock. You’re unwanted.”

Lily gasped and looked down. Yes, Sherlock was a mistake… they didn’t want any more kids after Mycroft, but that didn’t mean that Lily didn’t love her youngest son very much. However, she remained quiet because that’s just what they did…

Sherlock looked down and nodded. “Yes, I know…” He whispered.

John wanted to scream. Why were they just sitting back and letting this happen. It wasn’t right!! But it also wasn’t his place to do anything so he closed his eyes and counted to ten.

Sigar’s eyes widened. “Oh, you know? Tell me, Sherlock, when did she tell you? Did she tell you how I begged her to get an abortion? But your mother here isn’t one to kill someone and apparently you were considered a life. Frankly I think you’re a piece of worthless—“

“You’re just angry because one of your mistresses left you. The one in Paris might I add and that happened to be your favourite one. So don’t go taking it out on me!” Sherlock mumbled while looking down. John knew that Sherlock could have fought back more if he wanted to, but at least he wasn’t sitting back and taking it…

Sigar glared at him. “I’m going to let that slide because frankly I don’t care what you think. Lily, come on we’re going to go upstairs to have sex.” He hummed and started to stand up.

John looked over and saw Lily swallow. Clearly she was not comfortable with the idea and before John even knew what was happening he stood up abruptly, knocking his chair back. “Excuse you!!! I am not going to let you sit here and degrade my boyfriend and then have you go and rape your wife!! Frankly, I think you’re a disgusting man and I have no idea why they even put up with you!!! The meal that Lily made for us was fucking fantastic! You sicken me and I have no idea why your family puts up with it? Is it because you’re a powerful man? Probably, but guess what fucking hot shot I have absolutely nothing to lose! You’re a rude, arrogant, fucker and I think you should apologise and then leave and never fucking come back!!!!”

Sigar’s jaw was clenched and for a second John thought he was about to get hit, but he didn’t care because this man couldn’t possibly do anything that his father hadn’t done already. “Out!” Sigar growled as he stood up. “You see. I was trying to be nice to you, John. But no one talks to me like that! You will leave and you will _never_ come back. Is that understood?”

John just laughed hysterically. “You can’t do that! You’re barely even home! I don’t really think you have any authority over this house hold. I’m not leaving Sherlock and nothing that you threaten me with will make me leave! So you can SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ARSE AND GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!” It was silly really because this wasn’t even John’s house, but he considered Lily and Mycroft and Sherlock part of his family… He wasn’t going to let this pig of a man push them around. Sigar stood up and grabbed a rather sharp dinner knife.

Sherlock gasped and stood up and dodged in front of John to protect him. “John.. He will not hesitate to throw the knife at you… and trust me when I say he never misses… go!”

John blinked. “No, Sherlock I’m not leaving you!” He growled.

“GO!!!” Sherlock screamed and pushed John. The look in Sherlock's eyes was painful to look at and he found himself listening to Sherlock. He nodded and ran out of the house.

Sherlock glared at his father. “I fucking hate you.”

Sigar scoffed. “I’m your father you can’t hate me!”

Sherlock started walking away. “Keep telling yourself that,” He growled.

“Don’t you dare go after him Sherlock! Or so help me I will not hesitate to—“

“IM GOING TO MY ROOM YOU FUCKER!!!” He screamed and ran up the stairs.

Mycroft cleared his throat awkwardly and Lily sat in her seat, shocked. She had never met a boy as wonderful as John.. Someone who took care of her son and made him happy. She didn’t dare move because she was afraid of what Sigar would do…

~O~

John had no idea where to go. He could go back to his home because his dad wasn’t there anymore, but he really didn’t want to see his mother. He felt awful and he tried so hard to control his anger, but sometimes he blew up. He could be a hot head sometimes and that was always a bit of a problem… He groaned as it started to rain. He was wearing a nice suit and he had nothing else to change into.. It was getting late… He walked aimlessly until he ended up at school. He blinked and then figured it was better than nothing… He tried the front doors and side doors, but of course since it was a weekend and it was late they weren’t going to be opened. He went to the gym and tried the door and was surprised to find that it opened. He quickly ran in and closed the door behind him.

He was soaking wet and the rain was chilling him to the bone. He looked around the gym and really didn’t want to sleep on the door in plain sight. He went into the locker rooms and saw that one of the coach’s office doors was opened. The lights were turned off so they had obviously left some time ago, but just didn’t feel the need to shut the door. His feet carried him into the office and he looked around he sighed and then crawled under the desk. That way if someone came in he was at least hidden and could find a way to escape without being seen. He curled up in a ball and let sleep take over his exhausted body.

~O~

John awoke to the sounds of footsteps walking into the office. He must have overslept and he had no idea how the hell he was going to climb out from under the desk without being seen. Especially when the man that was walking into the office just sat down in the chair and started typing away on his computer. The desk was fairly big so John could hide under there easily without being kicked or seen. He was still in his suit and it hadn’t dried from the rain. It had to a point, but it was still a little damp and he was chilled to the bone. He leaned against one of the walls of the desk. The desk was built so that from the outside it went all the way down to the floor so no one could see under it unless they were on the other side of it. And even then they had to bend down to look under.

John was hoping that the man would leave, but of course that was an unrealistic hope. He obviously just got in to work.. What would make him leave now? The fingers tapped steadily on the keys and before John knew what was happening he sneezed. He mentally cursed himself as he heard the fingers still and watched as the man pushed his feet on the ground so that his chair could roll back a little bit. John was dead. It was as simple as that. He was going to get into so much trouble for breaking into the school and sleeping under the desk. He sniffled and stayed under it.

“Come on out….” A soft voice whispered.

John blinked. The voice sounded so kind and not at all mad.. It also sounded friendly so John slowly came out from under the desk and looked at the man. He was older and had silver hair. There was stubble on his face and he had very kind, soft brown eyes. “Now, are you going to tell me why you’re dressed up so nice and are hiding under my desk?” He asked softly as he sat back in his chair and gave John lots of room.

John shook his head slowly. He had never even seen this coach in his life… He wondered if maybe he only worked mornings…. It was still dark outside so it must have been pretty early.

“Coach Lestrade.” He smiled happily. “I don’t think we’ve ever met.”

John shook his head again. He swallowed and looked at the kind man in front of him. “I’m John…” He said sadly.

Lestrade frowned. “Why do you seem so sad and why are you under my desk..? Not that I care, but it isn’t the most comfortable place to be.” John just stared at him sadly and didn’t say anything. “Tell you what… How about I take you to breakfast and you can tell me all about what’s troubling you… Or you don’t have to, but what I _do_ know is that you need to eat.” He said softly. Lestrade watched as John nodded slowly. He smiled brightly and stood up. “Well then come on!” He guided John out of his office and then they climbed into Coach Lestrade's car.

~O~

They sat down at Ed’s Diner and ordered breakfast. John had eggs and toast with bacon, while Lestrade just had a coffee. He claimed to have already eaten before work. They talked for a while about nothing and then finally John felt comfortable enough to tell him everything… It felt so good to tell someone all of the things he was feeling. How his father kicked him out for being gay, how he got kicked out of Sherlock's house and how he had nowhere to go. He told Lestrade everything as he ate his breakfast and sipped his orange juice.

Lestrade eyed him carefully and then pursed his lips together. “Come live with me.” He hummed. “You have nowhere to go and I am more than happy to lend you my house for the time being.”

“Oh.. No... I couldn’t intrude on you like that… I’m sorry, but I can’t… I’ll find somewhere else..” John said as he fiddled awkwardly with his fork.

“Nonsense! Just until you get back on your feet John. Come on! We can go right now.” He smiled happily and paid for the bill.

“Wait… I should probably go and get my stuff from, Sherlock's… If you give me your address I can come right over.. I promise..”

Lestrade looked a bit hesitant, but then reluctantly agreed because John was taking him up on his offer. He gave him the address and then plastered a smile on his face. “Just be sure to hurry, yeah? I don’t want anything to happen to you along the way…”

“I’ll be fine.” John smiled. “See you soon!” And with that he got up and left the diner.

~O~

John walked up to the Holmes mansion and swallowed. He went through the side door because he really didn’t want to be seen… Not to mention if he was Sigar would not hesitate to kill him. He walked into his bedroom and started packing his bag. He was happy because he was in fact not seen. Halfway through packing the door creaked opened and John swallowed hard. He didn’t know who it was, but he wasn’t about to turn around to leave.

“You don’t have to go…” Sherlock’s voice said softly from behind him. “My mother finally stood up for herself and kicked him out yesterday… He won’t be back, John…”

John blinked a few times like he was trying to see straight again. “Oh.. That’s good I suppose.. What—I mean how.. How are you feeling?”

Sherlock blinked and raised an eyebrow. “John..?”

John snapped his eyes opened and made them go as wide as they could go. “YES!”

“Are you…” He pursed his lips together. “Are you drunk? Maybe.. Possibly..? I mean.. It’s understandable with the whole situation.. But maybe you should lie down..”

John hummed. “No, I’m fine… I really should get going though. Someone’s expecting me.. And they told me not to be late…” He whispered quietly and took a step, but stumbled. “Oh… my body feels funny…” He frowned.

Sherlock’s eyes widened and he ran to John. “John!! What’s wrong?” He picked up John and slowly laid him down. He sat next to John and ran a hand over John’s forehead.

“Nothing is wrong!! But you should really tell cakeman to stop spinning the room around.” He squeezed his eyes shut tight.

Sherlock frowned. “John.. The room isn’t spinning and that really isn’t possible in my house… Can I ask you some questions..?” He asked softly and grabbed John's wrist as he secretly measured John’s pulse.

“Hey… hey you.. You, mister.. I need to leave! I’m going to be late… but you’ll have to carry me because I can’t move my body…”

Sherlock flailed. “What do you mean you can’t move your body? You aren’t going anywhere, John! You’re going to stay right here with me..”

“My body… It just… It feels so, so heavy like a rock! But it also feels like I’m floating! Mmmm. Sherlock!! Sherlock!! Am I a bird??”

Sherlock blinked and frowned. “John… What did you take….”

John started crying. “I didn’t take anything!!! Why are you so cruel!! So, so mean!  You’re a meanie!!” He sobbed.

“John! John!! Calm down!! I just need to know what you took so I can figure out how to help you… I’m not angry…” He spoke softly.

John screamed and tried to move, but his body felt like it was paralyzed. He felt so relaxed, but at the same time so heavy and he was confused. He didn’t understand what was happening and Sherlock was yelling at him. Well Sherlock wasn’t really yelling at him, but in John's little delusional mind he was. “MYCROFT!!!!” John sobbed. “MYCROFT!!!” he tried to bat Sherlock away, but he wasn’t even really moving.

Mycroft’s eyes widened as he listened to the agonised sounds coming from upstairs. He got up abruptly and ran up the stairs. He thought his father was gone for good, but maybe he had snuck back in and had stumbled upon John! He pushed the door opened and blinked as he watched the screaming blonde lay still on the bed with the taller boy hunched over him trying to calm him down. “Sherlock!! What’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know!! I just simply asked him what he had taken—“ He was cut off by John's screaming, “And then he started crying and calling your name!!”

“MYCROFT!!! HE’S A MEANIE!! MAKE HIM STOP I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!” He cried harder and wanted to get up and run away, but he couldn’t move his body and why couldn’t he move!!!

Mycroft blinked and looked at Sherlock. “See! He obviously took something because he isn’t making any sense right now!!” He heard his younger brother growl.

“Sherlock… Maybe John is telling the truth… Why don’t you ask him what happened yesterday…? And while you are at it.. Give him some space.. Come stand over here next to me…”

Sherlock huffed and was about to argue, but Mycroft shot him a cold glare and so he quickly hopped off the bed and went to Mycroft’s side. “So John… Why don’t you tell me a story..?”

John sniffled and looked at him with black eyes. His pupils were blown so much that he could barely make out the dark blue that was just a thin line around the black. “What kind of story…” He whispered.

“How about the one where you tell me what you did after dinner yesterday!” Sherlock said with all the excitement he could muster.

“No!! Only Mycroft can know!! Mycroft has to ask me!! Because Mycroft is so wonderful and nice!!” John said stubbornly and Sherlock got the strange impression that John would have crossed his arms if he could.

“What!!! Mycroft that isn’t fair!! He’s being mean! Why does he even want you! I’m his boy—“

“Sherlock! Enough! Whining isn’t going to get us anywhere! Let’s just give John what he wants and then he’ll talk.. Also go my room and get the drug tester that’s in my bottom drawer… I want to see what he’s been taking so I know if we need to take more extreme measures…” He whispered so that John couldn’t hear and then smiled at John and whispered softly, “Now.. Why don’t you tell me the story of yesterday...?” Sherlock glared at Mycroft and then left the room to do as his older brother had asked of him.

“Well I woke up and then me and Sherlock had sex in the shower. It was so—“

Mycroft cleared his throat awkwardly. “How about you start at the part where you left the house.. Where did you go…?” If Mycroft wanted to find out any information he could about what happened to John and where he went. He knew he would have to be quick… Mycroft didn’t know of the drug that John had been taking… or what was wrong with him for that matter…. But confusion was a common side effect in most drugs.

“Umm.. It was really wet.. So I went to a brick building… all of the doors were locked but then I used the other door and it was opened so I slept under a thing.” John hummed

Mycroft resisted the urge to sigh. He started thinking of all the brick buildings where John could have snuck into that had a ‘thing’ in it that he could sleep under. Unfortunately, ‘thing’ could be meant as a lot of things. “What happened next..?” He needed more data.

“Umm, it was dark and scary and then a silver bunny came into the room!” John snickered.

Mycroft blinked and Sherlock groaned from the door. “A bunny? Cakeman! He has no idea what he’s talking about! This is useless!”

“Shh!” Mycroft growled. “Just let him talk for a minute.” He turned his attention back on John. “What happened next..?”

John was quiet as his eyes slowly started to close. He was so tired and the room was spinning and everything hurt.

“John.” Mycroft cooed softly. “I need you to stay with me and then you can go to sleep.” He said quietly as he put his hand on the boy’s forehead.

“Cakeman… will you make the room stop spinning…” John asked in a bit of a slurred voice.

“I will as soon as you tell me what happened next…” He looked around the room and grabbed a pen. “Look I even have the controller to control the spinning right here, but you have to talk first.”

Sherlock smacked his forehead. “Mycroft! This is getting us nowhere!! Just give him the stupid drug test!” He hissed.

Mycroft gave him a glare to shut him up and then turned back to John who started talking again. “I was really scared because he was a powerful bunny and I didn’t want him to catch me! But after a while I sneezed and he heard me and told me to come out.” John snickered as he made his voice go unusually high at this next bit. “’I know you’re under there!! Come out!’” He went back to his normal voice. “The voice sounded so nice and so I came out and looked at the silver bunny! It told me that I shouldn’t be sleeping under desks and then it wanted me to go eat with it! So I listened because it was such a nice bunny!” John gasped. “Cakeman!! Maybe I can marry the bunny one day! It was soooo nice!!”

Sherlock flailed. “No!! Bad John!!! You’re marrying me! Not some stupid arse bunny!!” he growled.

Mycroft raised an eyebrow at his comment, but then just chose to ignore him. “You’re getting sidetracked John.. Where did you and the bunny go to eat..?”

“Umm.. We went to have breakfast!! He just had a drink and I had flowers and grass. It was so yummy Cakeman! You should try the flower and grass special!”

“You better not have eaten tulips!” Sherlock mumbled under his breath. He didn’t even know why he was getting jealous! This wasn’t even a real story after all! But apparently Mycroft thought it held some relevance.

“That sounds so lovely John.. I’ll be sure to try it the next time I eat breakfast.” He watched as John’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Was the bunny mean? Did it hurt you?”

John started crying. “No!! The bunny was so nice!! And I was supposed to meet it! I hurt the bunny’s feelings!! I never came back to him!!”

Mycroft’s eyes widened. “John… Did you have a drink with your flowers and grass?”

John tried to nod, but gave up. “Yes! I had pond water!” He hummed. “But halfway through the bunny spilled my pond water and so he had to go up and get me a new one… but he was just so nice! He kept saying how sorry he was—Cakeman… I’m sleepy.. Can I go to sleep?” John yawned and closed his eyes. “Night.” He whispered.

Sherlock’s eyes widened. So this was going somewhere… Mycroft gasped and put a hand on John's wrist. “Wait! John! What was the bunny’s name!! I need a name John! And then you can go to sleep. I Promise.”

John whined softly. “Grant..? Gavin..? Oh!” he whispered. “Oh… the bunny’s name was Greg Lestrade.” He hummed. “He works for the bunny football team. They are very good you know.”

Mycroft’s eyes snapped to Sherlock. He nodded as he caught the kit that Sherlock had thrown at him. “Be safe, little brother.” He whispered.

“I’ll come back.” Sherlock nodded. “Text me when you find out what he’s been given..”

Mycroft nodded and then started the blood test as Sherlock ran out of the house to go find one Greg Lestrade.

~O~

Sherlock had contacted the police and gave them an address explaining everything. As much as he hated to admit it he couldn’t do this on his own. He would beat them to the destination though seeing as he was closer. He felt his phone buzz and he quickly reached in and pulled it out.

_John has been given a drug called Rohypnol one of the most common date rape drugs… He’s fine now… I gave him something to help clear it from his body and right now he’s sleeping…_

_MH_

Sherlock growled and didn’t text back. He started to run and soon he arrived at Lestrade’s door. He pounded on it angrily.

It swung open and Lestrade blinked. “Hello… Sherlock is it? What can I do for you?”

Sherlock screamed and tackled him to the floor. “YOU TRIED TO RAPE MY BOYFRIEND!!!” Sherlock started hitting him, but Lestrade was a lot stronger and flipped them over, pinning Sherlock to the ground.

Lestrade straddled him and his nice act completely dropped. “You’re right… I did. He had a nice arse and I just couldn’t resist myself.. He never came back to me though… I figured that would happen..” Lestrade sighed as he looked at Sherlock.

“HE ISNT YOUR’S!! HE’S MINE!!” Sherlock screamed and tried to wiggle out from Lestrade’s tight grip.

Lestrade laughed. “Oh, but he’s not now is he? No, you kicked him out! He had nowhere to go so he confided in me… however… he didn’t show up for our little adventure so I suppose that you will have to do.” He smirked and started to unbutton Sherlock's shirt.

Sherlock froze. Never in his life has this happened to him… he didn’t know what to do… He gasped as he felt cold fingers brush against his chest. “S-stop…” Sherlock swallowed. “I don’t want this….”

“I think that’s rather the point…” Lestrade snickered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.... that was a bit anticlimactic... Umm so yeah.. Lestrade is evil.... So that's that... but let me tell you something... I did not make Lestrade evil because I don't like him.. He's actually one of my favourites.. It's just... Well Yeah.. so thats that... Well and also I've never read a fanfic where Lestrade is evil... Maybe I have... Guys I've read over 300 johnlock fanfics... I just don't know anymore.. and it sucks because it's really hard to find new ones... If you have suggestions YOU SHOULD COMMENT THEM!!! im a bit obsessed.. SO YAYA!! evil Lestrade!!


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my fellow homies! I'M A TERRIBLE AUTHOR I KNOW!!!! But my life has been HELLA hectic... AND I'M MOVING TO ST. LOUIS WITHOUT MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE SHIPPING ME OFF SO I JUST MIGHT CRY! Sorry I'm really random. Anyway! I already have chapters Ten and Eleven written so hopefully those don't take as long to upload.. Enjoy the story and I'll see you at the bottom!

_“I think that’s rather the point…” Lestrade snickered._

Sherlock swallowed hard and tried to wiggle away, but Lestrade just pinned him harder to the point where it hurt his wrists. He watched with horror as Lestrade grabbed his wrist and pulled them together above his head so that he could grab them with one hand while continuing with the buttons on his shirt with his other hand. Sherlock started thrashing. With each button that he opened made the situation become more and more real.

Lestrade hummed and then gave a low chuckle. “I just love it when they squirm around.”

Sherlock's eyes widened. “You’ve- YOU’VE DONE THIS BEFORE!!!” he screamed. He really should have stayed calm.. But he had never been so scared in his whole life.

“Of course I have. ” He said as he finally got Sherlock's shirt all the way opened. “You aren’t really my type… too skinny, but I suppose since your lover didn’t show up you’ll have to do.” He ran his fingers all along Sherlock's chest.

Sherlock’s breathing was erratic. Him and John had only done this once… He was practically a virgin! Of course he wasn’t… but the chances of Lestrade preparing him were next to nothing. Sherlock started calculating everything in his head and it really wasn’t helping. He closed his eyes as Lestrade started on the buttons of his trousers. He was on the verge of tears, but he wasn’t going to let this disgusting man see him cry.

Sherlock snapped his eyes opened when he heard commotion in the room and felt as the heavy weight that was on top of him left. He sat up abruptly and scrambled to get his shirt back on. He was heaving in breaths and watching as a police officer was wrestling with Lestrade and putting hand cuffs on him.

He closed his eyes and slowly buttoned up his shirt with shaking hands when he felt a hand land on his shoulder. He jolted a little thinking it was Lestrade again.

“Sorry! Sorry! I should know better..” A soft voice whispered and pulled his hand back.

Sherlock recognized the voice instantly, DI Garrett. He turned around quickly and ran into his arms, hugging him. He had only met the man once, but he needed comfort right now.

The DI wrapped his arms tightly around Sherlock and held him close. “Shh..” He whispered to the shaking boy. “It’s over now.. You caught him.. You’re so brilliant.” He hummed. He was trying to help Sherlock the only way he knew how really… and that was praising him… He was just a boy, but damn he was brilliant.

Sherlock nodded and then pulled away and smiled up at him. “Thank you…” He whispered. “He won’t be able to get out, will he…?”

“No.. No Sherlock, he won’t.. We’ve been trying to catch this bastard for months. Here, let me take you home. They can handle the rest.” He smiled lightly and guided Sherlock out of the house and into his car.

Sherlock looked out the window as the DI drove to his house and then stopped. “I’ll call you if we need help with anything, Sherlock. Now get out of here and go be with John.” He smiled softly.

Sherlock nodded and thanked him before getting out of the car and going into the house and to John. He climbed in bed and hugged John close to him and eventually drifted to sleep.

~O~

Sherlock woke up gasping and panting for breath. He swallowed hard and looked at the clock. It was only 3:07 AM… He was covered in a layer of sweat and he knew he wasn’t going to go back to sleep anytime soon. Replaying the nightmare in his head it really shouldn’t have been as terrifying as his body made it out to be. There were just thousands of bunnies everywhere and they were running him down. They were going to get him and instead of a regular bunny face they had Lestrade’s crazy manic face on them. God, what had John done to him? He didn’t care though… Lestrade was taken in and he wouldn’t be able to come out.

Sherlock slowly sank down into the bed again and held John in his arms. He ran his fingers through John's hair and kissed his shoulder. He laid there for a while longer before he finally fell asleep again. Just John’s presence alone was able to comfort him.

A couple of hours later John woke up and tried to get out of bed, but then fell back immediately and groaned. His whole body felt achy and his head hurt so much. He tried to think back to why he was hurting, but he couldn’t remember anything really. He tried to climb back onto the bed to reach Sherlock, but just ended up groaning some more. “Sherlock… Sherlock! Wake up…”

Sherlock woke up abruptly and jumped out of bed. He had an irrational fear that Lestrade had taken John again… and John wasn’t in the bed… and he just woke up so he was a wee bit disoriented. “John!!” He flailed and started running out of the door.

John blinked from the floor. “Where are you going..?”

Sherlock blinked at the door and then turned around slowly. “Oh… You’re on the floor… umm why?”

“Because I thought it would be much comfier than the bed!” John rolled his eyes.

Sherlock blinked again. “Well John.. That’s silly… Obviously the floor is just going to give you a back ache and—“

“I was joking!!” John groaned. “Would you mind explaining to me what happened…”

“Well umm… What is the last thing you remember..?” He said as he walked over to the bed and sat down.

John closed his eyes as he laid on the floor.  “I was at a diner I think… I don’t remember.. And then I remember coming here for clothes, but it’s all a bit of a blur after that..”

“Ok.. Well I’ll just do a little recap.. Umm my father kicked you out.. He’s gone now.. My mother left him so you don’t need to worry about that. Then you left… You told Mycroft you went somewhere.. I deduced the school because you said something about a brick building and then that whole thing with Lestrade.. So then I think Lestrade may have taken you to a diner where he then drugged you with Rohypnol in order to take you back to his place where he could then rape you. However! You came here first and I was able to stop you… I realised something was wrong so I made you stay… After a really weird story about bunnies and plates we found out that the person that drugged you was Lestrade so I went over there and almost got raped, but the police turned up just in the nick of time! Now go take a shower.” He hummed.

John blinked trying to wrap his brain around it then it suddenly came to a halt and his eyes widened. “Wait… You almost got raped..”

“Oh it wasn’t a big deal really… I’m fine.. He wasn’t very intimidating anyway! I didn’t even have to beg because he didn’t frighten me one bit!” Sherlock hummed and then swallowed. He didn’t want John to know how he really felt… John was going through enough as it was.

John blinked. “No.. Sherlock.. Don’t lie to me! Normally I might believe it, but don’t sit and tell me that you almost got raped, but ‘Oh!! Don’t worry John! Because everything is just peachy!’”

“John.. Please… just drop it..” He whispered.

“Drop it? DROP IT?! Sherlock another man almost stuck his cock up you forcibly! He probably got off on it just so he could watch you scream and beg for mercy and you’re telling me that everything is okay? I don’t buy it for a second! How far did he get?” John growled

“Wha…?” Sherlock blinked a little and stiffened.

“How. Far. Did. He. Get. Sherlock.” John glared at Sherlock and punctuated each word.

“John really.. He didn’t get that far… He started to undo my belt when they came…” He whispered. “He didn’t even kiss me.. He just brushed his fingers all over me and—“ Sherlock shivered and felt like he was going to throw up so he stopped talking.

John's face softened. “No, you aren’t alright.. It’s not about how far he got… It’s about the fact that he touched you inappropriately without consent… I can't exactly move.. But I want you to come here..” He whispered softly.

Sherlock slowly walked over to where John was laying on the floor and dropped down. He held John close to him and breathed in his scent for a long moment. “Okay… Okay.. I’m okay now.. How are you?” He asked softly as he kissed the top of John’s head.

John smiled a little. “I’m fine.. All he did was drug me.. I think.. I can’t remember him doing anything bad besides drugging me.” He said softly. “I’m going to go take a shower now..”

Sherlock nodded and got up from the floor and sat on the bed. “Need any help?”

“Nah, I’ll just roll to the bathroom.. It’s only ten feet away about.” He smirked and then started rolling his body to the bathroom.

Sherlock rolled his eyes, but smiled softly as he watched John roll his body through the door and then shut it. He realised that even though they had a tough twenty four hours… everything was going to be okay.. For now at least.

~O~

A week later John was sitting at the rugby lunch table. Things had been pretty mellow ever since John had beaten up Sherlock. Sherlock would continue to sit at his tree and John would continue to sit with his team mates and that was that. Today was a bit different though.. Brian was being shifty and he kept glancing over at the tree. John would have said something, but he just wasn’t ready to come out and if he backed Sherlock up that would raise suspicion. He sighed and picked at his salad.

“Look at him.” Brian sneered. “Reading his book.. He thinks he’s so safe because we haven’t taught him one lesson since Johnny kicked his arse.”

John sighed and looked up. “He doesn’t need to be taught anything! And he hasn’t even said anything to you.. Just leave him alone. He’s being quiet…”

“Yeah! Exactly! He’s planning something!” Brian growled and pushed his jell-o around.

John glared at him. “He’s a genius! He doesn’t need to plan! If he wanted something to happen it would have happened already! Just leave him alone!!” He growled.

Brain glared right back at John. “I don’t understand why you stick up for him!” Brian snapped. “He’s weird!”

“He’s different!! And is that really so bad? If you think about it we are all different! It isn’t a bad thing, Brian! It makes us unique!”

Brian growled and stood up. “No, he bugs me and I had a bad day! You can stay here, but I’m going to make him suffer!”

John swallowed hard and stayed where he was.. He knew that if he got up and tried to stop Brian it would cause suspicion.. He pushed his salad around some more and waited for Brian to return. However, before that happened someone was nudging at him and John looked up.

“John! Aren’t you coming to watch? Everyone’s going! Come on!!” One of his friends smirked.

Ok… so apparently if he _didn’t_ go it would cause suspicion… He took a shaky breath and stood up. He made his way over to the tree just as Brian ripped the book from Sherlock's hands.

“Really Brian? I thought we were over this phase of yours…” He sighed loudly.

“The phase of me beating you up?” He pursed his lips. “Mmmm, no… That’s where you are wrong.. You piss me off and I genuinely like beating you up.. This isn’t a phase.. Now stand up! I want a challenge, rainbow!”

Sherlock rolled his eyes and looked up at Brian. “Such a way with words…” He sighed. “But I really rather like it on the grass so I think I’ll stay sitting, thank you.”

“Get up!” Brian screamed and then pulled Sherlock up by his shirt and slammed him against the tree.

Sherlock groaned a bit, but then glared at Brian. “Really.. When are you going to realise that I’m never going to want you, Brian, and you need to accept that. I’m sorry you’re in love with me, but you are _really_ not my type!” Sherlock drawled and looked over to find a very wide eyed John.

Brian was staring at Sherlock in complete shock before he finally snapped out of it and shoved Sherlock harder against the tree. “I am not a rainbow like you!!”

Sherlock smirked. “Perhaps you are using the word ‘rainbow’ to describe me because you are in fact gay, you do in fact have a crush on me, and you just feel like ‘rainbow’ is the least offensive word..” He snickered and then before he knew it his face was being shoved into the grass and he was getting kicked in the side. Every kick felt completely painful, but John was watching so he would not scream.. Even though he was 79% sure he was failing.

John watched in horror as Brian kicked the shit out of Sherlock.. He could tell Sherlock was trying to be strong and not make any noise, but he was failing miserably. Suddenly, he realised that he didn’t care anymore… He couldn’t just stand back and watch Sherlock get kicked in. He screamed and then ran to Brian and shoved him to the ground. “STOP IT!!!” He yelled as he straddled Brian and started punching his face.

Sherlock blinked and watched from the grass. He was proud of John… His John.  He smiled softly and tried to crawl towards John to help him, but just gave up.

John was screaming and hitting Brian and he was filled with so much anger! Could they not see how brilliant and beautiful Sherlock was?! He kept throwing punches until the next thing that he knew he was on the ground getting beaten by four other rugby players. He tried to fight back, but he was outnumbered. They grabbed his arm and pulled it back, twisting his wrist to the point where he was pretty sure they broke it and he screamed out in pain. They kept hitting and kicking and pulling at him until he heard someone yelling and suddenly everything just stopped. The yelling seemed so distant, but in reality it was probably really close to him and then suddenly everything went black.

~O~

John woke up to the smoothing hum of Sherlock's voice. He opened his eyes, but had to shut them again because the room was so bright.

“John..” Sherlock whispered. “Thank god you’re okay…” He knew John would be okay.. He just didn’t like a passed out John. It was very unsettling.

“Where am I..?” He whispered.

“Just in a hospital.. We had to make sure you weren’t bleeding internally… you have a lot of bruises, but other than that your insides are okay… but you do have a broken wrist so you can't play rugby for a while…. I’m sorry…”

John shook his head. “No, it’s ok… Really I’m fine… Suppose it will be good to stop hanging out with those pricks for a while..”

Sherlock swallowed and nodded. “I think they are sorry.. But only because the principle had to call an ambulance..” He shrugged a bit. “You didn’t have to do that, John..” He reached out and gently grabbed John's, non broken, hand and swiped his thumb over John's thumb.

“I did Sherlock.. It was time.. Even if my body told me I wasn’t… I should have done this a long time ago.. I just was caring about what people thought rather than what you thought and how you felt.. I’m sorry Sherlock.. I’ll do better I promise..”

“John Hamish Watson.. You don’t need to do any better than you already are doing.. You are the boy I love and I love you for who you already are… You don’t need to do better.. Sure you probably could have told them earlier.. I _wanted_ you to tell people earlier, but you weren’t ready and I accepted that.”

John smiled and squeezed his hand softly. “So they know, then…” He asked in a whisper.

Sherlock swallowed and nodded slowly. “Yeah.. They know.. And it didn’t exactly help the situation when I threatened the principle…”

John blinked. “Sherlock!! Why in the hell did you threaten the principle!!!”

Sherlock smirked. “They almost didn’t let me ride in the ambulance with you… That was most certainly not acceptable.”

John laughed, but then winced because it actually hurt a lot. “God, I love you.”

Sherlock smirked. “I know.” He hummed and kissed John softly.

~O~

A few days later John was lying in his own bed when he had the overwhelming urge to shower. “Darling.” He said so sweetly.

Sherlock looked over at him and smiled a bit. “What do you want?” He asked softly.

“Will you cover my cast in plastic so I can shower?” He smiled sweetly again.

Sherlock laughed. “Of course I will. However, you aren’t immobile.. You could do this yourself.”

“I know. But I like it when you take care of me. It’s sweet and shows your sensitive side.” He smirked

“I do _not_ have a sensitive side!!” He flailed a bit.

“Yes, you do.” He smirked as he pulled off his own shirt and trousers so he was just in his pants. He watched as Sherlock covered his cast with plastic so tenderly. Soon it was covered and then the doorbell rang. 

“I’ll go get that.” He kissed John's forehead and then left.

“John heaved himself up and walked to the bathroom where he took off his pants and turned on the water. He got in and smiled as the water washed over his bruised and aching body.

Sherlock answered the door and then glared at the person and tried to shut the door in their face.

“No! Please! Let me just talk.. That’s all I want.. Is to talk.. You can kick me out later!” The person pleaded.

“You have absolutely nothing to say to me! Leave! John’s in the shower and I want you gone by the time he comes out!”Sherlock growled and slammed the door in their face. He started walking back upstairs when he heard the person call out.

“No!! Sherlock! Open the door! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I just want to tell you and John that! Please!”

Sherlock swallowed and walked back to the door. He opened it and let him in. “You have five minutes, Brian.. I’ll go get John.” He slowly walked up the stairs and knocked on the door. “Hey, love.. I need you to come downstairs for a second. It won’t take long.”

“Alright..” John called and then hopped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his hips and walked out.

“You’re wet… and naked…”

John shrugged. “It’s not like you haven’t seen it before.. And I don’t want to get redressed only to undress again.”

Sherlock sighed, but nodded. “Alright.. Come on.”

John followed Sherlock down the stairs and his jaw clenched when he saw Brian. “What the _hell_ is he doing here!!” John growled.

“John please.. I want to apologise.. What I did was wrong..” He swallowed. “I came to ask for your forgiveness. I can't take back what I did… But I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and that it won’t happen again.. To you.. Or Sherlock..” He whispered. “I just.. I was scared, John..”

John blinked. “Scared..? Of what…”

“My body is experiencing things and I’m confused.. I don’t like it… and I took out my emotions on Sherlock.. And then I found out you two were.. A thing.. And I got angry with you because it really isn’t fair.. What Sherlock said yesterday was true… But you two can be open about it while I have to keep it hidden.. I don’t want anyone to know because it makes me feel abnormal and funny..” He whispered.

“Wait.. You’re… you—“ John stuttered, but Brian helped him through it.

“Like men.. Yes.” He whispered. “But unlike you I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say that out loud again.. It stays between us.. I just took out my anger on you.. And I’m sorry… Am I forgiven?”

John swallowed and was quiet for a long time before he nodded. He knew what that was like. He was so angry when he first started having thoughts about men. “Yeah, we’re cool.. I’m going to go finish my shower..” He walked back up the stairs.

Sherlock looked at brain for a long moment. “Ok.. You can go now…” He said awkwardly.

Brian shook his head. “I have something to say to just you..” He whispered. “I didn’t just choose you because you were the freak of the school—“

“Charming words..” Sherlock rolled his eyes.

Brian ignored him and just kept going. “I chose you because I was angry with you.. Sherlock.. I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with you.. And I just needed to tell you.. I know you are with John and I’m not asking you to leave him to come to me… but I felt like you needed to know the reason behind everything.. And now that you know.. Please also know that I will be there for you always.. With whatever you need.”

Sherlock smiled a little and was quiet for a minute. “Does this mean.. Does this mean we are friends?” He smiled more.

“Yeah, I think it does.” Brian smirked.

Sherlock's heart warmed. He had never had a friend before. John didn’t count in his brain because John was Sherlock's boyfriend.. Not actual friend.. This was different and he loved it. “Thank you..” he whispered. He watched as Brian nodded and then left the house. He would tell John that they were friends now, but maybe it would be a better idea if he were to keep out Brian's actual feelings towards him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH SNAP!!! Him and Brian are friends and it is so cute to me!!! Flails everywhere! ANYWAY YOU SHOULD COMMENT TO GIVE ME SOME ADVICE OR TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE AND OR HATED THE STORY!!! ALSO TELL ME YOUR FAVOURITE PARTS!! COMMUNICATION IS KEEEYYYYYY! And obvi kudo's it if you haven't!! ALSO ALSO!!! I'm writing another Johnlock fic.. It's short and it's a wholock and it's pretty legit so when I post that you should check it out, yo!


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date Night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH GUYS I FIGURED OUT A SUMMARY THIS TIME!!! IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!! I actually had a really BAMF summary, but then i realised it would give something away and i didnt want that so.. that happened... I'll tell you in the end notes what i wanted it to be called! ENJOY CHAPTER TEN!

Six weeks later John got his cast off. He smiled at Sherlock as he walked out of the doctor’s office. “Look!! No cast!!” He snickered and smiled at Sherlock. “I think we should celebrate!!” He hummed.

“Oh? And how would we do that?” Sherlock still hadn’t told John about Brian’s feelings, but he didn’t think it mattered.. They were all friends now and he wasn’t ever going to act on those feelings. So he didn’t think he should tell John.. It would only make him jealous anyway and that was an experience that he didn’t really want to repeat.

John grinned. “I want to take you, Sherlock Holmes, out on a date! We’ll dress up and go to a nice restaurant.. I have enough money saved up for that!” He smiled. “And besides we have been going out for a long time now and I haven’t once taken you on a date! That just simply will not do!”

“I don’t need you to take me on a date to be happy.. I’m happy just being with you.” He said with a smile.

“I know, Sherlock… And I feel the same, but it is nice to actually go out on a couple of dates every once in a while.. Rather than just sitting around at home.”

“Is it?” Sherlock raised an eyebrow.

“Mm, very much so, yes.” He smirked. “So what do you say?”

Sherlock smiled a bit. “Alright.. We can go tonight.” He replied. “But you don’t need to take me somewhere nice…”

“No, but I want to.” He smirked remembering the time that Sherlock had said those exact words to him.

Sherlock rolled his eyes, but was smiling and together they walked out of the doctor’s office and went home.

~O~

John and Sherlock got all dressed up and ready to go. John smiled at Sherlock and kissed his cheek softly. “You look so handsome.” He smirked.

“I practically dress like this every day…” Sherlock blinked.

“I know.. But I just love it so much! Now! I already made a reservation three nights ago.. I have been planning this.. And we have to go now actually.” He smiled sheepishly.

Sherlock smirked. “Oh have you now? May I ask where we are going?”

“Berners Tavern!” He said excitedly.

“…WHAT!!! John that is going to blow away all of your money!!” He flailed.

“Sherlock… I don’t care… I want to do this.. Please.” He smiled a bit as he watched Sherlock sigh.

“Fine.” He said softly with a smile.

“Yay!!” John jumped up and down and then ran downstairs. He got a ride from Mycroft, even though it wasn’t that far from their house, they would walk home though. John climbed out of the car once they got there and thanked Mycroft.

Sherlock smiled up at the building and shook his head a bit. John always managed to surprise him. They walked in and were taken back to their seats, which were located in the corner of the room. It was more secluded and more romantic. John pulled Sherlock's seat out for him and then pushed it in once Sherlock sat down.

He took his own seat and picked up the menu. “Thank you for coming with me.” He smiled.

“You don’t need to thank me.. I wanted to.” Sherlock smiled.

John smiled and the rest of the evening they ate and talked about nothing in particular. Sherlock even ate and that made John happy. He deduced people and John would laugh. Everything was perfect and he didn’t want it to end. However, soon they finished their dessert and it was time to go home. John paid the bill and he honestly didn’t care how much it was. He had fun with Sherlock and that is all that mattered.

They went to the coat closet and got their coats and then walked outside. John slipped his hand inside of Sherlock's hand and smiled. “I had fun tonight.. Really.” He grinned. “Thank you.”

“Eh, it wasn’t so bad.” Sherlock teased.

John rolled his eyes. “Oi! I spent a fortune on that!” He smirked

“I know.. I loved it, my love. Thank you.” He looked up just as it started raining and John just started laughing. Sherlock blinked. “What..?”

“Bit cliché… I like it though.” He smiled and pulled Sherlock into the middle of the street.

“Cliché..?” He blinked some more.

“Yeah.. Like…” He trailed off and grabbed Sherlock by the lapels of his coat and pulled him into a loving kiss. He felt as Sherlock gasped a bit and he smirked against his lips. He loved it when he could catch Sherlock off guard. Eventually he pulled away and ran a hand through Sherlock's wet curls.

“Again..” He said a bit breathlessly. “How is that cliché..?”

“Haven’t you ever seen the notebook..?” He asked softly.

“No, why would I..?” He blinked.

“It’s a love story and they kiss in the rain… Except it’s at a lake and not in the middle of the street, but I’m sure that this is in a film somewhere!” He laughed. “Anyway.. The notebook.. well, It’s depressing, but then it ends happily... In a depressing sort of manner..”

“How can something be depressing, but happy?!” Sherlock blinked rapidly.

“Umm well because they die in bed together and they are really old so its happy because they died together, but depressing because they died…” He smiled a bit

“Oh.. Well… That’s cute.” He blinked a little. “Let’s go home so that I can take you to bed.” He snickered.

“Again.. Sometimes you can be such a romantic, but most times you just suck the life out of romanticness.” He smirked.

“John, ‘romanticness’ isn’t a word…” He rolled his eyes, but was smiling.

“I know. I just wanted to give you a hard time before I said ‘yes’ to your little idea!” He smiled brightly.

Sherlock grinned and grabbed his hand as they practically ran back to the house and when Sherlock opened the door he froze abruptly and tried to push John out of the house before it was too late.

“Don’t try, Sherlock, I know he is with you.” He sighed.

John froze and swallowed hard as he stepped into the house. The blood completely drained from his face when he saw Sigar, Mycroft, and a bunch of random men pointing guns at them. He didn’t know what to say and he was at a loss of words.

“I told you if he came back I wouldn’t be so nice. So tell me, Sherlock, why is he here?” SIgar drawled.

Sherlock took a breath. “Because he is my boyfriend, I love him, and he has nowhere to go…” His eyes flickered to Mycroft and his heart shattered. “I-.. I KNEW YOU WOULD DO THIS!!! YOU ALWAYS DO THIS!!”

Mycroft took a sharp breath. “Sherlock it is for your own good.. Father knows best and if he says that John is no good than I will believe him…”

“NO! You just want him to love you!!! You suck up to him time and time again and no matter what! No matter when! You _always_ side with him!! Right when I had actually started to trust you again.. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS, and I come home to you HOLDING A FUCKING GUN AT MY HEAD!!!”

“Not yours, Sherlock.. John’s.” Mycroft said softly.

“OH BECAUSE THAT’S SOOOO MUCH BETTER!!!” Sherlock choked as betrayal filled his eyes and he stood in front of John.

“Move out of the way, Sherlock.” Sigar growled a bit. “I don’t want to shoot my own son, but I will.”

“Go for it!” Sherlock spat bitterly. “You always say how the world will be a fucking better place without me.. Well, father, here is your chance!!” He screamed.

Sigar rolled his eyes and then cocked the gun. Sherlock drew in a sharp breath as he pushed John down the steps to protect him. He heard John yelp, but it was washed out by the sound of a gunshot. He waited for the pain that never came and then his eyes flickered back to his father, who was staring at Mycroft in shock. He looked as he saw one of the men, who came with his father, on the floor bleeding to death.

Sherlock blinked rapidly and then all hell broke loose. People were firing the guns left and right and Sherlock had to take a moment to figure out how to get his feet to work. He snapped out of it when he heard Mycroft call his name. He looked up and saw Mycroft throw something at him. Keys. He caught them and then looked at Mycroft who was running towards him.

“Go! I’ll find you!!! Just GO!” Mycroft pushed Sherlock out of the house as a bullet whizzed past Mycroft’s head.

Sherlock landed in the bushes with a muffled scream. He scrambled to his feet and then grabbed John's hand. “Move!!”

John gasped as more bullets passed their head. “Sherlock! They’re following us!”

“Yes, John I know! That’s why we have keys!” He got to the car and threw John into the back seat and slammed the door. He winced a bit and then ran to the driver’s seat and started the car. Sherlock Stomped on the gas and the car peeled away from their driveway.

“Do you even know how to drive!!” John flailed as a bullet shattered the back window. John screamed and ducked.

“I put you in the back for a reason, John! Now stay down!” He said firmly and groaned a bit. “And not particularly, but it really can’t be that hard.”

John laid down on the seat and blinked a bit. “Sherlock.. Are you alright..”

“I’m fine John!!!!” Sherlock snapped. “I need to—“ He was interrupted by a bullet whizzing through the broken back window and to the front one, breaking it. “FUCK!!” He lost control of the car and it swerved off the road and into the forest that was next to their house. Sherlock tried to dodge trees, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he hit one. John was screaming in the back and before he could tell John to hold on he ran straight into a tree and his head flew forward and hit the steering wheel.

Luckily, John only fell onto the floor and not out of the window, which he was thankful for. He breathed in deep breaths as he tried to calm himself. “Sherlock..?” When Sherlock didn’t answer he sat up abruptly. “Sherlock!!”

Sherlock groaned a bit. “I’m fine..” Sherlock tried to take deep breaths and he swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “Actually no.. John… John.. I need help..” He gasped a bit.

John swallowed. “Yes, what do you need?”

“Please.. Hold me.. Please..” He whispered.

John nodded and pulled him into the back and then adjusted himself so that he was holding Sherlock, but then his eyes widened. “Sherlock!! You’re bleeding!!”

“Minor gunshot wound.. Mycroft will be here in a minute.” He gasped and squeezed his eyes shut.

John started taking off his suit and using his coat to apply pressure to the wound in his chest. “Sherlock! This isn’t minor..” John gasped and his world started spinning. “Oh god.. Please.. Please just stay with me…”

“John…” He blinked a bit trying to focus his eyesight again. “Don’t be an idiot! I’m.. I’m fine..” He swallowed.

“Stop it! You aren’t fine! Shut up.. Just—“

“Tell me a story…” Sherlock whispered.

“What..?!”

“I want to hear your voice.. Please.. Tell me a story.. A happy one preferably.” He gasped a bit and closed his eyes.

“Nope.. Don’t.. I’m not telling you a story because I know what’s going to happen..” John was trying to swallow the lump in his throat, but it wasn’t going down.

“John I have been losing too much blood… I got shot before we even left the house.. Just please..” He whispered.

“Don’t talk like that.. You’re going to live.. Please just…” He swallowed and tears dripped from his eyes.

“Please.. I just want a story.. I love you…” He whispered.

And John's heart shattered, but he would tell Sherlock a story because that was what he wanted. “Once upon a time there lived a lonely, lonely man.. Nobody liked this man because he was different..” John took a moment to try to control his emotions. “One day.. The lonely man met a famous prince!” John was practically sobbing. “Sherlock.. I can’t.. I can’t do it..” He sniffled.

“Alright..” Sherlock whispered and brought a shaky hand up to wipe John's tears away. “Then I’ll tell one.” He pursed his lips for a moment and then smiled.

“Once upon a time there was a beautiful, beautiful girl. She lived in a small cottage just beside the river. Every day she would get up and go pick cotton. After she was done picking the cotton she would tend to her garden. Once the sun was high in the sky she would go inside and start making herself sweaters and scarves and warm things. She lived a good life, but she was so terribly alone. She was the only one in the universe it seemed. There was a terrible, terrible fire that had wiped everyone out, everyone but her that is. She survived because her mother had put her in a box and set her in the ocean where the fire could not go. She traveled the world for years looking for someone... Anyone! To tell her it was going to be alright. But no one ever came.. Because there was no one left. All she had was the earth, the moon and the stars, and shelter. “ Sherlock’s voice broke on the word ‘shelter’, as he clutched his chest and hopelessly applied more pressure to the wound.

“One day she was picking her cotton when she heard a noise. It was so small and so quiet that she almost missed it. Ohh, but she heard it. She ran as fast as she could to find this voice. She searched for hours until finally she stumbled upon a teeny tiny shoe. She slowly bent down and pushed the leaves of the bush aside. Inside the bush there was a little fairy all tangled up in the branches. The little girl gasped and helped the fairy free. ‘What are you doing in there?’ The little girl said in amazement. ‘I thought I was alone!’

“The fairy brushed off her dress and said. ‘Oh but you are alone little one. It's only the two of us left in the world.’

“The little girl began to sob. She knew she was alone, but deep down inside of her she hoped that there were people hiding somewhere.”

Sherlock groaned a bit and had to take a few deep breaths to calm himself. Telling this story took a lot of effort, but he needed to get through it. For John. Always for John.

"’Hush my child.’ The fairy cooed. ‘I can be your friend. The world is a scary place all by yourself. I'm Bellfire.’ The fairy smirked and stuck out her tiny hand.

“The little girl sobbed even more. ‘I-I'm River...’ She stuck her finger out so the fairy could shake it. River giggled and knew that she found a friend instantly. She didn't feel lonely anymore.

“Over the course of the next four months River and Bellfire were inseparable. They laughed and played games and did chores together. But one fateful day a storm came. It wasn't anything bad.. Just a snow storm. However it was terribly cold and Bellfire got sick. River cared for her and tried to tend her back to health, but two weeks later Bellfire shook her tiny head. ‘No point, my child.’ She whispered softly.  
River started crying. ‘No, don't say that... You can't leave me.. We're the only two left.’ “ Sherlock swallowed hard and closed his eyes. He could feel himself slipping and he wasn’t even done with this story… He was starting to think this story was a bad idea. It was wasting his energy that he needed to stay alive, but he needed to reassure John. He took a shaky breath, opened his eyes, and then continued.

“Bellfire laughed weakly and then coughed. ‘You'll get on just fine without me.. I'm a silly old fairy. Really I was quite useless at helping you.’

“’I don't care!’ The little girl shouted. ‘You're my best friend and I love you!!!’ She rested her head down by the fairy and cried.

“Bellfire tried to soothe her. ‘And I love you little one.. But sometimes things happen. Life sucks.. And life is hard.. And life will throw challenges in your way, but you have to move past that and overcome them. I have faith that one day you'll be truly happy again.’

"’And how can I be happy if you aren't even here!’ The little girl said stubbornly.

"’You'll know...’ The fairy whispered again and coughed. ‘Goodbye, River.’ She said softly and then passed away. “ Sherlock gasped as a random bolt of pain ran through his body. He placed his hand over John's and just breathed for a moment. He could finish the story.. He had to and he would not leave John like this. He looked up at John with glazed over eyes and continued again.

“The little girl sobbed for days and days on end. She had a proper funeral for Bellfire even though nobody but her attended it. She didn't eat. She didn't sleep. And she didn't go out to pick cotton. She was alone in the world once again, but eventually she did get up. And she did go out and pick cotton.. Because even though it hurt. Even though she didn't want to. She owed Bellfire that much.

“One sunny day. Exactly a year later the little girl saw a ball. More like an orb of light. Bright and burning and beautiful. She ran to it and the orb flew around her happily. She giggled and she felt like the hole that had been in her chest for so long was finally filled. She then realised that this was no ordinary orb. This was Bellfire. Bellfire had been sent to watch over her because when a love, and a friendship is too strong and someone leaves the other person before they are meant to... They will always find their way back... Maybe I will be that orb of light for you John...” He whispered quietly as he saw black spots start to fill his eyes. He smiled a little to himself knowing that even though he was dying at least he finished the story.. For John.

John was sobbing and he pressed his face into Sherlock’s hair. “But I don’t want you to be an orb of fucking light!! I want you to be Sherlock! My Sherlock! A Sherlock who is here and living with me and please!! Please just hold on!!”

“Sometimes it’s just time to go, John…” He whispered and then started to slip away.

John screamed and sobbed as the car door jerked opened. Mycroft was standing there wide eyed. “Shit… John! Get him into my car now!!”

“I CAN’T, MYCROFT!!” John sobbed more and clung to the barely breathing Sherlock.

Sherlock jerked back to life at the sound of Mycrofts voice and smiled a bit. “Hey.. Do as Mycroft says, love… Be my brave little soldier.” He smiled as best as he could, even though he tried to smirk, and John nodded. That was all he needed from Sherlock. He climbed out of the car awkwardly and they ran to Mycroft’s car, where John climbed into the backseat, still holding Sherlock. He sat down and Sherlock whimpered a bit.

“Shhh..” John cooed. “You’re going to be alright.. Mycroft is driving insanely fast to the hospital right now..” He whispered softly.

Sherlock laughed a bit and then winced. “Tell Mycroft I’m sorry that I doubted him..” He whispered weakly.

Mycroft swallowed hard and continued to drive to the nearest hospital. He could hear Sherlock, but he would be quiet… This moment was John's. Not his… He had plenty of moments he could have had and even though he never took them.. Even though his brother was dying.. He just couldn’t let his emotions show.

“No, you can tell him yourself when you wake up…” He whispered and rubbed Sherlock's curls from his forehead.

“I love you, John.. Always. I’ve loved you more than I have ever loved anything in my whole life.. Kiss me.. Please..”

John's heart kept breaking and breaking and he choked on a sob. “No.. That’s not going to happen.. Not until you wake up… I know what’s going to happen I’m going to kiss you and you’re going to let go…”He sniffled.

“John.. I’m trying really hard… just.. Kiss me…. Please! One last time…” He coughed a bit and then groaned and closed his eyes.

“Sherlock! Stop it!! You’re going to be just fine.. And we are going to go home and it will be so lovely and nice. And then we are going to grow old together!! I’ve always wanted that Sherlock.. I’ve always wanted to grow old with you and we could live in a cottage and you could raise bees and we would have thirty-seven cats!! And they would all have a different name and our children would come to visit us and they would play with our thirty-seven cats…” John swallowed as the tears streamed down his face and then looked at Mycroft. “Hurry!!!”

“I’m driving as fast as I can, John.. We’re almost there…” He swallowed hard. Mycroft was crying as well, but thankfully he was in the front so John couldn’t see and Sherlock was in no state to deduce.

“Thirty-seven cats!!” Sherlock flailed as much as he could… which actually wasn’t much at all. “John, that is a tad much don’t you think?”

“No! It’s not!! They can run around in the giant backyard that we will have and then at night they can all sleep in our room! And we would be old so if we had to get up to go to the bathroom the cats would guide us!” He sniffled.

“John that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!” Sherlock rolled his eyes, but was laughing and smiling.

“No! It really isn’t.. Just- we are almost there! Please… stay with me..” He swallowed and kissed Sherlock's head.

“John.. I have not asked you for a lot in this life.. I like to think I’m a pretty mellow boyfriend..Sometimes I can be a tad difficult.. But I have never wanted anything as much as I want you to kiss me right now… Please.. I am begging you.. And we both know that that is something I don’t do.” Sherlock struggled to get all of that out, but he finally managed and he was proud of himself.

John choked on another sob and nodded. He bent down and pressed their lips together. Sherlock kissed him back weakly and then just stopped. John’s eyes widened and he pulled away to find the limp Sherlock lying against him. “HE’S DEAD!!!” He sobbed and screamed and held Sherlock as close to him as possible.

Mycroft took a sharp breath and drove faster. He refused to believe it.. And he wouldn’t believe it. He pulled up to the hospital where there were already nurses and doctors ready to wheel Sherlock inside. They heaved him onto the hospital bed and rushed him off into the operation room.

John was left in the back seat covered in blood and crying hysterically. Mycroft swallowed hard and got out of the driver’s seat. He went to the back and pulled John out and then held him in his arms as he smoothed John's hair. “Shh… Everything will be alright, John.. Everything is going to be just fine.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry... I'm starting to think that i really really like cliffhangers.... But the Summary was going to be The return of Sigar Holmes. AND I THOUGHT THAT WAS SUCH AN AWESOME SUMMARY BUT THEN I REALISED I DIDNT WANT YOU TO KNOW HE WAS GOING TO BE IN THIS CHAPTER SO I HAD TO CHANGE IT! UGH. ANYWAY!!! tell me what you guys thought!


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out what happens to Sherlock. 
> 
> HA! I did it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys... I AM SO SORRY!!!! But my life has been hectic... My computer broke first of all and I couldn't write until i got a new one..... I had to wait for that to come in.... And then i moved states... I went from living in Utah, where all of my family still lives btdubs, to living in St. Louis because of a job, but hey!! The St. Louis job is giving me more money than what I made as a lifeguard so this way I can move to London faster! All part of the plan!! But I'm also a nanny watching children and I live with them so they are ALWAYS ON ME!!! And the eight year old can read so I can't exactly type this story while shes around... I just want you to know that I am not giving up on this story.. I HAVE EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT WRITTEN OUT and if I gave up that would be stupid because I know what going to happen so it is physically impossible for me to get writers block!
> 
> This chapter is also a doozy.... But I enjoyed writing it!

Twenty four hours later John was finally able to see Sherlock. Mycroft probably held John in his arms for ten hours, but he wouldn’t tell Sherlock that. He needed comfort and so did Mycroft, they found it in each other and for that John was grateful. John walked into Sherlock’s room and smiled brightly when he saw that he was awake. “Hi…” He said quietly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got shot in the chest.” He snickered, but then winced a bit. “You know how long I have to stay in here..?” He asked softly.

John laughed a bit and then sat next to Sherlock’s bed and reached out to grab his hand. “Sorry, love, we have no idea. It just depends on your recovery process.”

Sherlock groaned and then threw his head back into the pillows.

“Oh come on now!!! It isn’t that bad! You get to lay in bed and get free food! It’s soooooo good!!” He snickered and picked up a spoonful of jell-o. “Here! Try some before I eat it all!” He grinned and put the spoon in front of Sherlock's lips.

“I am not eating that…” He stared at the green substance suspiciously.

John made aeroplane noises and snickered when Sherlock finally rolled his eyes and opened his mouth. He put the Jell-o inside of Sherlock's mouth.

Sherlock practically choked at the flavour. He spit it out and half drooled on himself. “John!!!! That was disgusting!!” He flailed and glared at John.

John was just laughing his head off and wiping tears from his eyes. “Your face!! You should have seen your face!!” He snickered and practically fell off the chair.

“That isn’t funny…” Sherlock grumbled and smiled a bit at John.

“It is a little bit!” He giggled and climbed back onto his chair.

A slow smirk spread across Sherlock's face and he looked at John. “Alright… maybe a little bit.” He started to giggle with John, but then winced.

John gasped a bit and then reached for Sherlock's hand. “I’m sorry!! I forgot! Are you okay?” He looked at Sherlock with concern.

Sherlock gave a small smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He whispered. “And how the bloody hell could you forget?”

John gave a small smile. “You make me forget things constantly. I love that about you.” He hummed happily.

Sherlock smiled brightly. “Well I’m glad that I am able to do that... You constantly make me forget things too.”

John smiled brightly as well and sat back in the chair. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed Sherlock’s company. He was about to fall asleep when Sherlock spoke up again.

“John..?” He whispered quietly. John just hummed in reply and Sherlock chewed on his lip. “Will you lay with me?” He said softly.

John's eyes widened. “Sherlock... I don’t want to hurt you...”

Sherlock sighed and scooted over as far as he could. “I promise you won’t because it is physically impossible for you to do that because your name is John Watson and as far as I know... it is physically impossible for John Watson’s to hurt me.” He smiled a bit at John and patted next to the bed.

John swallowed hard and looked down. “Now, we both know that that isn’t true...” He whispered quietly.

“John, you had no other choice. I am not mad and I understand why you did it... There is no doubt in my mind that if there was another way you wouldn’t have punched me.” He smiled softly.

“There was another way, Sherlock...” He glared at the floor.

“You weren’t ready... What is done is done, John. You can’t change what had happened so there is absolutely no point in complaining about it and regretting the moment. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences, or luck, or anything else of the sort. Whatever happens happens and they lead us to the path where we are supposed to be... You may think that sounds stupid, I know, but that’s what I think and I don’t think you should dwell on something that you did in the past... You should look forward to the future and savour the present because you never know when your time will be up and regretting something that you can’t fix no matter what is just going to make you miserable.” He said softly, “Now, I think I said I wanted a certain John Watson to be lying next to me.” He smiled.

John's heart swelled at Sherlock's little speech. He never knew Sherlock felt like that, to be honest he didn’t know how Sherlock felt at all, but it was still surprising to hear those things coming from Sherlock's mouth. He was so open with John and only John got to see this side of him. He liked it. He slowly stood up and climbed into the bed, he kept his distance, but Sherlock just snuggled up to him and fell asleep almost immediately. John couldn’t even imagine how tired Sherlock must have been. Before he knew it he was also dozing off and then the world went black.

~O~

John stayed by Sherlock's side constantly and never left it. He didn’t want Sherlock to be alone not even for a second. Most of the time they just sat there in peaceful silence, but other times they talked about nothing in particular. Sherlock was getting edgy and would snap at John a lot more, but John knew he was just tired and angry. He’d gone through a lot and John wasn’t going to hold that against him. A week had past and John was sitting in the chair that he always sat in. Sherlock was reading a book about worms and then sighed and set it down.

“John, you really need to shower. You haven’t showered in a week and you haven’t changed your clothes either.”

“I know, but I don’t want to leave you... what if something happens and I’m not here...” He swallowed and looked at Sherlock. It was stupid really, but John blamed himself for this happening to Sherlock. If he had left Sherlock alone and if he hadn’t come back they wouldn’t be sitting here, but then again he wouldn’t be sitting with Sherlock at all. Sherlock told him not to dwell on the past, but it was hard. Especially when someone John really cared about was currently in the hospital.

“Nothing is going to happen to me in a hospital bed... Look, I know you are worried, but really I’ll be fine... and you can bring me back a sandwich that I will eat if you go.” He smiled a bit.

John swallowed because Sherlock was offering to eat a sandwich when Sherlock hadn’t been eating at all... He nodded slowly and stood up. “Promise you’ll be alright..?” He asked as he bent down and grabbed the bag that Mycroft had brought him.

“Promise...” Sherlock whispered.

John nodded and left the room. He showered and cleaned up. It felt so amazing that he actually regretted waiting so long. Of course Sherlock would be fine! He was in a hospital surrounded by people that could help him if something were to go wrong. He smiled and let the water wash over him. He really did love showers, they always calmed him. Calming was something he really needed at the moment. John eventually got out and pulled his clothes on. He bought Sherlock his sandwich and then walked back into the room.

There was something a bit off with Sherlock, but he couldn’t really place it. He frowned a little and handed him the sandwich. “You okay..?” He asked softly and sat back down in his chair.

Sherlock gave a small nod and a sad smile, “Yeah... Mycroft just came in to tell me that my mother couldn’t come and see me because she couldn’t leave work.” He swallowed and took a bite of his sandwich, even though he was nowhere near hungry.

“Oh... Sherlock... I am so sorry.” He swallowed and grabbed Sherlock's free hand.

“No, it’s fine... She’s just so busy and she’s never really at home... I was hoping that she would be able to see her son who was shot, but she can’t get work off... They are on a tight scheduled apparently.”

John sighed and apologised again. He knew he shouldn’t have left Sherlock, but he really did need a shower and he realised that he couldn’t protect Sherlock from all the bad things in the world, no matter how much he wanted to. John held Sherlock's hand tighter and he made a promise right then that he would try to protect Sherlock as much as he could. He had already made this promise over and over and sometimes he broke it, but this time it felt like it had so much more meaning.

~O~

Two months passed and everything was back to normal. Everything was perfect for them and it seemed like nothing bad was going to happen again. John woke up one morning and watched Sherlock sleep for a while. He had a bunch of errands to do and he knew that if he waited for Sherlock to wake up it wouldn’t get done. Not that John minded, but he had been holding off on these for a while. He slowly slipped from the bed and kissed Sherlock's forehead, before getting dressed and leaving the house. He would make it up to Sherlock... He knew how Sherlock tended to worry and he didn’t know how long he would be, but he suspected that his errands would take him most of the day.

As predicted John was right. However, he went to the store and bought a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. John laughed at the fact of how cliché it was, but that was one thing John loved. He loved the obvious and cliché things about romance.

John walked up the steps to the house and opened the door with his key that Sherlock had given him. He pushed opened the door and saw Sherlock sitting on the couch. John smiled brightly at him and put his bags on the floor as he ran up to Sherlock and hugged him tightly. “I’m so sorry, love! I had errands, but I’m home now!” He kissed Sherlock on the nose and smiled.

Sherlock just rolled his eyes. “Get off of me!” He pushed John a bit so that John fell on the floor and landed on his bum.

The blond boy blinked rapidly, “I... I’m sorry. If you wanted to go so bad I would have taken you, but I didn’t know... I promise though that I will take you with me next time!” He smiled brightly.

Sherlock scoffed, “Actually I was thinking more along the lines of ‘we need to talk’ that’s what people say, isn’t it?”

John swallowed hard and he felt like he was going to throw up, but he would not cry because he didn’t know what Sherlock was talking about and it most certainly wasn’t what he was thinking... It couldn’t be. “That’s what people say when...?” He whispered and continued to sit on the floor.

“Holy fuck how did I put up with this for so long?” He muttered under his breath. “When people break up, John!”

“But I- I don’t understand... Did I do something..? I’m sorry... Please don’t do this... I love you...” He swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat as he held the roses tightly in his hand.

“You know... They always said I was a brilliant actor.” He looked at John and smirked. John stared at him in pain and sadness. Sherlock looked nothing like the man he had known for eight months now, his face looked all contorted and he looked darker.“This...” Sherlock pointed from himself to John, “was simply an experiment.” He smiled brightly.

John felt his heart shatter. “Nope... No, you don’t mean that... What we have is real and I know it wasn’t an experiment because it went on for eight months.” John took a shaky breath. This couldn’t be—wasn’t real!

Sherlock chucked and rolled his eyes, “Why are people so stupid! Of course it lasted eight months! That’s how long I needed to do the experiment for! And thank god for that! Any longer and I would have killed myself. You really are a hard person to live with John.”

“SHUT UP!! YOU DONT MEAN THAT!!! I know you don’t! You got shot Sherlock! You- you told me you loved me... WE HAD SEX! I gave myself to you! I- I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!”

Sherlock hummed and stood up. He placed his hands behind his back and nodded. “Minor mishap. My father didn’t know of the experiment and genuinely didn’t like you... I don’t blame him...” Sherlock sighed and walked to the door. “The sex was alright... you actually rather suck at sex, but an orgasm is an orgasm... now out you get!” He smiled again while John started to dry heave, “So help me if you throw up on my floor I will rip your balls off....”

“Stop... Stop saying those awful things... I know- I KNOW! You don’t mean any of this! Why are you saying it when you don’t mean it! You can tell me! Please!” Sherlock was lying... he had to be! But he looked like he was telling the truth and John couldn’t handle that... He felt like he needed Sherlock to survive, but here Sherlock was telling him that he used him and that John meant absolutely nothing to him!

“Oh my god! You’re so pathetic! My life doesn’t revolve around you and it never had... I’m a sociopath John... Everything I said to you, everything I did was a strategic move on my part. All for the experiment! Mind you I’ll never be doing an experiment like this again...” He gave a pained look, but then regained himself.

John's hurt replaced with anger. He was still hurt, very much so, but he was more angry at the moment than anything else. “And did you find all of the fucking data you needed?” He growled.

“Actually I did. I uncovered everything there is to know about John Watson. I picked him apart one by one and then I glued him together only to break him down again to the point where there was absolutely no fixing him.” He was smiling creepily and his eyes were wide.

John couldn’t hold it back anymore and the tears started spilling out of his eyes, “but... but why would you do that?!”

Sherlock shrugged. “I was bored... And you were there. The day you came and sat next to me in chemistry I chose you. Really it could have been anybody, John...” he paused for a moment. “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” He hummed.

John wanted to scream. He wanted to punch Sherlock and he wanted to hide himself under a rock and never come out. He wanted to throw himself off of a cliff or drown himself in the Thames. Sherlock had used him and John felt like nothing else in his life would ever matter. That nothing in his life mattered now. He was so broken and hurt... Sherlock was right... he had broken John to the point where John couldn’t even see this being fixable anymore. “Sherlock...” He swallowed hard and spoke quietly, “I don’t have anywhere to go...” He looked down slightly.

“Not my problem!” He hummed and pointed out the door. “Now leave please.”

John felt like his whole world was crashing down. It already had because there was absolutely nothing left for him. Everything that he had known was a lie and he couldn’t escape it and he couldn’t have it back. What he had known for so long was slipped under his feet and taken away so abruptly that he couldn’t breathe and he felt so sick. Before he could even stop himself he was running. He ran out the front door and didn’t stop running. He felt so lost and empty and he was bawling. Never in his life would he think this would happen. Sure, he knew that there was a chance that one of them would call it off eventually, but never in his whole entire life had he imagined it to be like this. He got to Zack's house and banged on the door.

Zack opened the door and frowned when he saw John. He tilted his head and was about to say something, but before he could even get anything out John had cut him off.

“I need you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....Yeah... I told you it was a doozy... But hey... I never get all choked up when I am writing my own stuff... and I definitely was feeling some major feels writing that last part... So basically not only am I hurting you, but I'm hurting me.... (;
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT OR SUBSCRIBE OR SHARE OR KUDO BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH PHOTOBOMBING ELLEN DEGENERES AND U2... well I don't know if he was happy doing that, but damn did he look happy. 
> 
> Dear Benedict,  
> Please please please be my best friend. I am legal. Please and Thank You.  
> Love,  
> Whitney. 
> 
> Seeeeeeeee you next time in Chapter 12!!! DEUCE


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John's Point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically this has been done since three days after I posted chapter 11, but my beta went missing and so I waited for her to return and eventually she texted me saying she got everything taken away and that's where she went and then she didn't even beta this chapter which is fine... I'm not mad. BUT THAT IS WHERE IT HAS BEEN AND I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LATENESS!!!

Zack swallowed hard and looked at the John. There were tears all over his face and he looked completely distressed. “John what is it? What’s happened...?”

John didn’t answer him. He just looked at Zack like he had been kicked in the stomach and then cried harder. “I- I went to Brian, but he said I couldn’t stay because- because he had family over and now I’m here and I don’t- I don’t know what to do!” He sobbed harder and then ran into Zack’s arms. “Can I just come inside...?” he whispered in a small voice.

“Yes... Yes of course you can. Come on...” Zack tried to untangle himself from John, but John wasn’t letting go of him. He sighed and then decided to just pick him up and carry him to the couch. “You are heavy!” Zack grumbled as he dropped John onto the sofa. That little comment seemed to make John cry even harder than he already was, which seemed impossible for Zack, but apparently it wasn’t impossible at all. “I didn’t mean it! You’re as light as a feather!” He smiled down at John and yet John still cried. He was practically screaming and sobbing and Zack had absolutely no idea what to do or what was even wrong with John in the first place...“John, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong and I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong with you... So do you want to talk about it?”

John seemed to calm down a bit and just occasionally sniffled. “Sherlock is lying... He must be lying! He doesn’t mean it! I have to go back to him!” John swallowed and started getting up from the couch and then Zack pushed him back down and he whined.

“Now wait just a minute! You’re going to tell me what Sherlock did and then I will tell you if it is a good idea to go back to him, alright?”

John sniffled and nodded slowly. He stared up at Zack and wiped his wet cheek dry with the back of his sleeve. “Okay...” he sat up and brought his knees into his chest and he set his chin on top of them. “I woke up next to him this morning and I had to go shopping... I was buying him a couple of presents and I knew it would take all day, but he would have presents and flowers and chocolates when I got home. Also we’ve been spending all of our time together that I thought that he would like the alone time...”

“And when you got home he yelled at you for leaving him? John, I’m sure it’s all just a misunderstanding you know how Sherlock can—“ he was cut off by John.

“SHUT UP!” John screamed and Zack flinched and then blinked, but nodded nonetheless. “I bought his presents and then I got some roses and a box of chocolates and I went home and I walked over to him and kissed him and then he pushed me! He said that he didn’t want me—that he never wanted me! That I was just his experiment and how I made him sick! How he’s a fucking saint because he was able to put up with me for eight fucking months! Well he didn’t say that, BUT IT WAS IMPLIED!” He screamed and curled up into a ball. “I thought he loved me...”

Zack just blinked. “Well, that doesn’t make any sense... He got shot for you...”

“’Minor mishap’!” John mocked. “He said he wanted to break me. He wanted to fix me up and then BREAK ME TO THE POINT OF NO RETURN!!! Well he fucking got what he wanted so I hope that he’s fucking happy!” John started to sob again and then he turned away from Zack and cried into the couch.

Zack swallowed hard and then his jaw clenched. He was so angry, never in his life had he been this angry. He glared at the wall and then slowly lowered himself onto the couch so that he could hold his best friend. Ever since Sherlock came into John’s life they hadn’t hung out like they used to. It made Zack a little upset just because now he had to spend all his time with Brian. Brian was okay and all, but he was very annoying if you spent long periods of time with him. Zack’s mind was whirling and thinking about many things that he hadn’t even known that John had spun around in his arms.

John sniffled and looked up at Zack. He was an attractive boy... Tall and defined. He just wanted comfort and Zack was giving him that. He swallowed and buried his head against Zack's chest and just continued to cry.

John eventually fell asleep like that and so did Zack. He didn’t want to leave John in fear that he might do something stupid.

~O~

“John...” A soft voice whispered quietly as a soft hand came down and gently shook John. “John, wake up. We have to get ready for school.” It said quietly.

John's eyes snapped open and he gasped, “Sherlock! I had the worst dream! You said that—“

Zack looked at him sadly. “John... It wasn’t a dream...”

John looked down and swallowed hard. “Oh...” He whispered and looked down a bit, before he stood up and went to the bathroom without saying a word.

Zack sighed and shook his head. He pretended he didn’t hear the crying in the bathroom or the way John's face was red and puffy when he came out. He didn’t mention the way John just dressed in a sweatshirt and basketball shorts or how his hair looked absolutely awful. He just smiled and grabbed his keys, “Come on...” He said softly.

John followed him silently into the car and climbed into the passenger seat. He stared out the window and didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to talk and he didn’t want to go to school, but he also didn’t want to argue with Zack so he just did as Zack said. They pulled up to the building and John climbed out of the car while leaving Zack behind. He was grateful for him, he really was, but he just couldn’t do anything at the moment. John thought about skipping and going somewhere, but he had no money and nowhere to go so he just went to his first class.

The day seemed to drag on and on. John didn’t listen to any of the lectures, he didn’t do the assignments, and he didn’t ask, or answer, questions. He felt so empty and useless that he had no idea how he was going to feel good again. At this rate it seemed like never, but John couldn’t imagine what would happen if he felt like this for the rest of his life. At lunch he just sat there and played with his food. He didn’t talk or eat and he didn’t sit with his rugby friends. Normally they would come over and bother him, but today was different. He suspected Zack was holding them back so he made a mental note to thank him when they got home, if he went home with Zack... He was still trying to figure out everything in his head.

He looked across the tables and saw Sherlock sitting at his tree. He looked completely fine and completely normal. The fucking bastard! John would have walked over to him, but he just didn’t have the energy and he didn’t want to create a scene. He tried texting him, but Sherlock never replied. Why should he? He didn’t want John... John was just an experiment and he made that very clear, but somehow even though Sherlock broke John into a million pieces John couldn’t stay away... Maybe that was all part of the plan, maybe it wasn’t, John didn’t know. John didn’t know anything and that angered him.

He had never felt this kind of pain in his life before. It was like every single thing that had ever hurt him from the second he was born was all compacted into a ball and thrown at him. He felt overwhelmed and tired and there was no point. No point in anything. He barely had the energy to speak and he just wanted the pain to go away. He remembered Sherlock's speech about how he felt. How he would never let them win... He was starting to wonder if that was a test because Sherlock knew that he would break John to the point where it was unbearable. He wondered if Sherlock just told him that to see if John was strong enough or if he would let Sherlock win completely. John wouldn’t give up so easily... Not yet. It hadn’t even been a day and he was already contemplating on the idea of killing himself. God, he was pathetic, just like Sherlock had told him. Sherlock was never wrong.

John pulled out his phone and played with it in his hands. He took a sharp breath and quickly texted something and sent it to Sherlock.

_‘Hey... -JW’_

He swallowed and looked up in the direction towards Sherlock. He watched as Sherlock grabbed his phone and read the message. He saw Sherlock roll his eyes and shove his phone back into his pocket, completely ignoring John.

John regretted texting him immediately, before when he texted him he didn’t see Sherlock read the message. He knew that Sherlock was ignoring him, but he didn’t have to physically see it. He could make up excuses as to why Sherlock wasn’t replying back to him, but this time he had no excuse. He saw it happen and it hurt more than anything. It just added to the pain he was already feeling. He felt like he was suffocating and he needed to get out. He stood up and left the lunchroom, he didn’t know where he was going to go and he really didn’t have anywhere to go so he just went to his next class and waited.

The bell eventually rang and John was regretting his decision to come to this class. He had this class with Sherlock and after about three months of being together the teacher decided to do assigned seating thanks to Brian and the other players. Somehow John and Sherlock ended up together, John was grateful for it then, but now he was dreading it.

Sherlock walked into the class with his head held high. He looked perfect, not a hair out of place. He looked like nothing had happened yesterday, but then again John assumed that nothing technically did happen that was enough to affect him. Sherlock had known this was going to happen all along and he was probably ecstatic that it was finally over. When Sherlock plopped down next to John, John cringed a bit. Sherlock’s smell was almost overwhelming. It hadn’t even been a full twenty four hours yet and John was missing him like a mental person. He knew it was stupid, but he just thought that he and Sherlock were meant to be together. They just fit and he felt like they belonged together... John wasn’t going to give up so easily. He licked his lips and looked at Sherlock. “I know... I know it was just an experiment, but maybe- I mean do you want to-“

Sherlock groaned loudly and looked at John, “I’m going to stop you right there... Are you seriously trying to ask me out?”

John swallowed and looked down, “Yeah... I know it sounds stupid, but I can’t give up on you that easily....”

Sherlock banged his head on the desk and growled at John, “What part of ‘you are the worst person to live with and I’m glad that my experiment is over’ did you not understand?”

John swallowed hard and looked away, “I- I was just hoping you didn’t mean it...”

Sherlock laughed at him and shook his head, “Oh no... I most definitely meant it.”

John nodded slowly and for the rest of class didn’t speak to him. He wanted to cry again, but he was in the middle of class and he would not break down no matter how much he wanted to. The class seemed to drag on forever! John just wanted out so that he could go home... or to Zack's house. His father was in jail, sure, but John didn’t want to take the chance... and with Mycroft being the one to throw him in jail he didn’t know if that would stay or if Mycroft would set him free now that the experiment was over.

John didn’t want to even think about that! That thought terrified him more than anything. His father was a dangerous man and not someone to be messed with... and yet John had messed with him. John shook his head trying to rid the thought from his mind and then walked to the door. He smiled when he saw that Zack was waiting for him.

~O~

For a month John didn’t really do anything. He just sat on Zack's couch and stared at the wall. He did his homework, but that’s only because Zack forced him to. It was their last year of school and Zack said that he would not let John throw that all away just because Sherlock was a dick. John didn’t like it when Zack called Sherlock names, he didn’t like it when anybody called Sherlock names... because as much as Sherlock had hurt him and fucked him over, he still loved him with every bone in his body and John didn’t think that that was ever going to go away.

After the first day of trying to ask Sherlock out again John had just given up. He watched Sherlock all the time at school, but he didn’t text him anymore and he didn’t talk to him. Sometimes in chemistry it was really hard to not talk to Sherlock. He would just forget about everything and he would think of something that would make him laugh, something that him and Sherlock used to laugh about all the time. He would turn his head and open his mouth to speak to Sherlock and then, like a dam breaking and water bursting out and flooding everything, the memories came back. So he would shut his mouth slowly and turn back to his paper.

There were a lot of things in John's life that he didn’t understand... He didn’t understand maths very well, and he didn’t understand how some people could hate Doctor Who, he definitely didn’t understand why the earth existed and what the point of being here was all about, but the thing John didn’t understand the most... the thing that haunted John in the middle of the night was how could he love someone that didn’t love him back? How could he love someone who used him as their test rat and then broke them into little tiny pieces? He didn’t. That was the problem. John pondered over this for weeks before he figured out the answer and when it hit him it was really simple. John didn’t love Sherlock Holmes because he was in love with a fictional character. He was in love with the role Sherlock was playing and it was that night when he realised that the Sherlock Holmes he knew, the Sherlock he was in love with was gone forever and he wasn’t ever coming back.

~O~

It had been one month, one week, and two days since John had been living at Zack's, not like he had been counting or anything. John was currently sitting on the couch, filling out papers, when Zack came into the room. “John...” He swallowed and shifted a bit. He was clearly uncomfortable, but John didn’t notice because he was too busy with his papers.

“Hmm?” John hummed as he scribbled down something.

“I am so sorry... I really am, but my mum is getting fed up with you here and you... you need to leave... by today...”

John blinked and stopped writing. He slowly looked up at Zack and nodded slowly. “Alright.... I just- I’ll be gone before school gets out...” John knew that this was going to happen eventually, but he didn’t plan on staying here for that long anyway... He had only needed three or four more weeks and then he would be gone! Everything would have worked itself out...

“John... I’m really sorry... If it was up to me I—“

“Zack... I know... It’s fine. I should have just gone home to begin with...” He swallowed and looked away. He refused to go back to his home and he wouldn’t now even though he couldn’t live with Zack anymore. Truthfully he didn’t know where he was going to stay for three weeks, but he figured it didn’t really matter. It was summer and so the weather was somewhat reasonable... Depending if it wanted to be or not.

John slowly stood up and grabbed his bag; he slung it around his shoulder, nodded at Zack, and then left the house. He wasn’t going to go to school today... he figured one day of missing wouldn’t make him fail and none of his classes were doing anything anyway. John walked aimlessly around for hours because he didn’t know where he was going. School was out by now and John needed to find somewhere safe before it got dark. The part he wandered in could be a scary place at night and he felt like he was being followed. Well... He didn’t feel like it because he knew he was being followed, but truthfully he didn’t care.

With every couple of minutes that passed, John felt like the car was getting closer and closer. He shoved his hands in his pocket and started to walk faster. He smirked to himself when he realised that he lost the car... until he realised that the car had just stopped and now the person who had been driving the car had gotten out and had started to chase him. John would have reacted, he would have ran, because even though he didn’t care... he really didn’t want to die by being brutally murdered! Unfortunately he couldn’t react fast enough and before he knew it he was being tackled to the ground and having a bag thrown over his head.

He groaned and tried to wiggle away, “Really? Really?” This was certainly not how he wanted to spend his evening. He wasn’t scared, but that was because he honestly didn’t care if he died or not... He just thought that this was very inconvenient to his evening.

The person that grabbed him laughed as he picked John up, “Not going to happen.” He hummed.

John froze and swallowed hard. He _knew_ that voice, that voice was the voice that haunted him at night and sometimes during the day. “Y-you...”

The man laughed, “So glad you can still recognise your own father from the sound of his voice!” He grinned and then threw John rather harshly into the back seat. He slammed the door and then walked around the car to get in on the driver’s side.

John felt the car jerk and speed off down the road. He sighed even though he was slightly terrified, but at the same time he didn’t care because he honestly had nothing anymore. John knew that was stupid because he had a whole life ahead of him and things would get better, but right now he was grieving and he just hurt. He wanted the pain to go away so maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. “How did you get out from.... wherever you were?”

“Oh! That? Yes, I escaped a week ago! I would have gotten you sooner, but you’ve been rather pathetic lately and have been inside all the time... I wasn’t about to kidnap you from someone’s home because that is far too risky.”

John sighed, “I suppose so... Where are we going anyway?” He wished he could see, but the stupid bag was over his head. They were also driving at an incredibly fast pace and John wasn’t seat belted.

John’s father growled a bit and drove faster. “Shut up! It doesn’t matter where we are going!”

John sighed. “May I just point something out to you...? Since you are kidnapping me... It might help not to drive so fast because if you happened to get pulled over they would see me tied up and with a bag over my head...”

Ted chuckled lowly and shook his head. “I don’t really care because it will all be over soon... For the both of us.” He licked his lips and drove faster.

John's heart picked up speed and he closed his eyes. This could not be happening to him! He briefly wondered what Sherlock would think about his abrupt disappearance, but then he came to the conclusion that Sherlock probably didn’t even care. He swallowed hard and leaned back against the seat. “So that’s it then? You’re just going to kill us both...?”

“My son is a fag and so is my daughter! I’m a raging alcoholic and your mother hates me! I also tried to kill my two children and that’s a life sentence in jail... I can’t run forever John so I’m ending it now... and I’m taking you with me because even though I can’t rid the world of all poofs at least I can take my own son in the process!” He growled and then stomped on the gas harder. “Not too much longer now.”

“That makes no sense! You have absolutely no control over my life!” He growled back. “There is nothing wrong with who I am!”

“YES THERE IS!!!” He screamed and his voice was a little muffled. John realised that his father was crying... or either trying really hard not to cry... “You are not the son I always wanted! You’re not the son I dreamed of having when I was your age! You aren’t anything like him and I can’t stand to look at you! I’m doing the world a favour! I’m doing you a favour! It will be quick... I promise! We are just going to drive into the Thames... That's all. It will be over before you know it.” He swallowed thickly and turned a sharp corner.

John froze. He had thought of dying before... how it was going to happen. He thought of a million scenarios, but something he hoped and prayed didn’t happen to him was drowning. Drowning was one of his biggest fears and he would rather get shot multiple times over before he was about to drown, but now he didn’t have a choice! He couldn’t even try to escape because he was tied up! He started to hyperventilate and he closed his eyes slowly. He tried to find peace deep down, something to calm him. He thought of Sherlock, his Sherlock! The fictional one that he was in love with. His Sherlock told him soothing words of how it will all be okay and how he would be with John every step of the way.

It wasn’t the best of comfort, but he needed something and this was all he could have. He didn’t know where they were but he just held onto that little strand of comfort he managed to find and soon the car was falling. John screamed as they splashed into the water and started to sink slowly. He concentrated on his breathing and squeezed his eyes shut as the icy water danced above his ankles. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought because he couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he was going to drown, he couldn’t escape it. He thrashed in the back seat and tried to get loose. He was so cold and then water was up to his chest. The only thing he could think about was how someone was going to come and save him... this couldn’t be the end for him and he refused to believe that his story was over.

Not only that, but he was ending on a horrible note. He was leaving Sherlock behind and he didn’t give a damn if Sherlock didn’t care about him. He cared about Sherlock! And he would always be there for Sherlock no matter what happened! He made a promise and he wasn’t going to break that just because Sherlock had played tricks on him. He pressed his face to the roof of the car and tried to breathe a few last breaths before it was all over, but the bag over his head was making that difficult. He took one more breath and then the car was fully under. There was no more air for him to breathe and John just closed his eyes. The water was so, so cold and he felt his lungs screaming for air. They needed it and they felt like they were going to burst if he didn’t give them what they wanted! And oh how he wanted to give them what they wanted so badly! It wouldn’t be just a relief to his lungs, but to him as well, but he couldn’t because there was no air to give his lungs... he was underwater and he couldn’t take it. He opened his mouth and started sucking in water, coughing and feeling dizzy. Feeling the pain of salt water being inhaled into his lungs, he needed to feel something, he needed to do something other than just sit there and wait. He kept inhaling and soon everything was fading... soon everything was dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know... I really hate John's dad.... Stupid Ted!!!! Also I realise that I am rather a terrible person.. But I'm 19 almost 20.... I should live my life to the fullest and write a bunch of angst!
> 
> Chapter 13 will be Sherlock's Point of view so it will kind of jump backwards in time... JUST A HEADS UP! WOO!!! Anyway thanks for reading!!
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT!!! OR KUDOS OR SUBSCRIBE BUT MAINLY COMMENTS BECAUSE READING YOUR COMMENTS ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND ITS LIKE A RAINBOW EXPLODED RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU AND NOW YOU'RE COVERED IN COLOURS BECAUSE THEN RAINBOW IS COLOURFUL AND I KNOW THAT MAKES NO SENSE BUT COMMENTS ARE BEAUTIFUL SO DO IT!


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock's point of view... boooowwwwwchiiicccckkkkaaaa wowowow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to think to myself that I updated this one rather quickly! I lose track of when I update things so all I know is that it could actually have been months since Chapter 12 I know this isn't true, but it's the same thing... actually I don't even know what I'm saying... on with the story!

-Ten Hours Earlier-

Sherlock woke up and stretched. He sighed as he looked around the room and then shook his head. He slept in the guest bedroom... his and John's room, but that was only because the bed was comfier and his was covered in experiments. He was doing a lot of that now... Experiments. He scrubbed at his face and then stood up to go take a shower, but then swallowed and looked away at the thought. John liked showers... a bath... yes; a bath would work just fine.

Sherlock filled the bath and climbed into the water. He sunk down so that he was as low as he could go, but he could still breathe. He often wondered about John and to be honest it probably wasn’t healthy on how much he thought about John, but he couldn’t help it.

He stayed in the bath for a long time before he got out. He would have stayed in longer, but he had to get out because of school. School was completely awful without John to make it better, but he had chemistry where they got to sit together so he thought that that was alright in a way... Sherlock didn’t talk to John and John didn’t talk to him, but he was sitting next to John and Sherlock thought that that was at least better than nothing. Sherlock got dressed and then managed with his curls before he went downstairs to leave.

Mycroft was sitting at the table and when he heard Sherlock come down the stairs he sighed and set his paper down. “This has been going on for long enough... Don’t you think?” He drawled. Sherlock growled and balled up his fists. Mycroft was stupid and didn’t understand anything, “Fuck. Off!!”

“Amazing use of vocabulary, brother dear,” He hummed and then rolled his eyes.

Sherlock swallowed hard and looked away as he remembered saying something vaguely similar to John when they first met. “Don’t talk like that...”

“Are you afraid of getting hurt? Is that what this is about? Because I can assure you from the look in John's eyes he doesn’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

“SHUT UP!!” he screamed. “You don’t understand anything so just Shut. Up.” He grabbed his backpack and ran out the door. He couldn’t stay with his brother any longer... Over the past month he had been doing everything in his power to avoid his brother... Mornings were a lot harder though.

~O~

Chemistry approached slowly, like it always did. Sherlock loved it and hated it at the same time. It seemed that every time he saw John he always looked a little bit worse. Sherlock hated that it was because he was the cause of it. He was the one who had broken John completely and utterly and what made it all the more worse was when John hadn’t given up for at least a week.

Nowadays he just had a sad given up look on his face. Sherlock was almost positive he would be over it by now... He had underestimated the severity of the damage he had done with John. He knew that time would heal him and the thought of a happy John made Sherlock happy.

Sherlock sat in his seat as he waited for John to walk into the room, usually John was already in here, but today he wasn’t. That was a bit odd to Sherlock, but maybe he was finally hanging out with his friends again. Sherlock pulled out his papers and wrote a few things down until he saw Zack and Brian walk into the room. He frowned when there was still no sight of John! He almost asked Zack where he was, but then he remembered he couldn’t do that.

Sherlock waited. And waited. And waited. Soon class was half over and John was still not there. Sherlock knew that John wasn’t coming in, but he couldn’t understand why he felt worried... He took a quick glance back at Zack and he looked sad. Sherlock couldn’t understand why Zack would look sad... He took a closer look and then gasped softly as he realised they had a fight. That could explain why John wasn’t at school... He didn’t want to see Sherlock for one and if he and Zack had a fight he wouldn’t want to see Zack either... he just hoped John didn’t do something stupid... Sherlock worried about that every day.

Soon the bell rang and Sherlock ran out of the class as quick as possible. He had to otherwise the rugby team would corner him and beat him up for messing with John. It was funny really... They would beat him up all the time before John, and then they all became friends, and now they were beating him up again. Sherlock deserved it he supposed... and it wasn’t that bad because him and Brian were still friends and Brian wasn’t mad at him, but Sherlock thought that that was because Brian loved him... Or claimed he did.

People often got confused between love and lust and Sherlock couldn’t wrap his brain around why Brian loved him when Sherlock had been mean to him all those years, but then again Brian could have been like a John in which he actually liked how Sherlock could deduce and pick apart things just by looking at someone. He sort of thought it was a bit troublesome how Brian chose Sherlock's side instead of John's. Brian and John had been friends for years! He sighed and shook his head as he continued to walk home.

~O~

Sherlock was sitting on the couch doing his homework when Mycroft came into the room panting. Sherlock ignored him because Mycroft was fat and was often out of breath because of all the cake he had eaten. Actually Mycroft wasn’t fat at all, but Sherlock did love to tease him.

“Sherlock!” He gasped and ran over to the young boy on the couch.

Sherlock rolled his eyes and looked up, but then his face grew serious as he saw all the panic and worry etched into Mycroft's face. “What!” He snapped a bit.

“It’s John’s father! He’s- we don’t know how, but he’s escaped! He escaped a week ago, but I just got a call that-“

Sherlock stood up abruptly and shoved Mycroft hard, “HE WHAT!” He screamed. He wasn’t very happy considering this happened a week ago and they were just now telling him...

“Sherlock I’m sorry! We couldn’t find him and I didn’t want to worry you, but I just got a call that someone saw him for the first time in a week! He’s finally on the move again and that worries me... I fear he might....” Mycroft trailed off because he didn’t want to tell Sherlock something that Sherlock most likely already knew.

Sherlock's world came crashing down. This wasn’t supposed to happen!! Not like this! And all he could think about was John! John, John, John, John, John! He grabbed his coat and ran out the door. He needed to find Zack and fast. Sherlock knew he was probably being a bit overdramatic... John was probably just sitting with Zack and they were watching lame movies and the reason he missed school today was probably because he didn’t want to see Sherlock.... Hell Sherlock didn’t want to see Sherlock.

Sherlock ran up to Zack's door and pounded on it with his fist. He probably gave them a heart attack, but he was panicking and nothing was going to ease his panic until he saw that John was safe! He _needed_ to know that John was safe and he had no idea what he would say for coming here when he realised that John was sitting on the sofa doing homework with Zack... He would just tease John some more and then get punched by Zack, but at least he was _safe_. That is all Sherlock cared about... His happiness didn’t matter one bit to him because he was happy if John was safe and right now John was in danger and Sherlock was not happy!

The door swung opened and before Sherlock even knew who was opening it he started panicking some more. “I need to know if John is here!! Is John here?” He swallowed hard as he saw Zack's eyes narrow.

“Leave.” He growled and tried shutting the door, but Sherlock stopped it.

“Please! Just tell me he’s here and I’ll go! I need to know if he’s safe... If he’s okay!” Sherlock was on the verge of tears. He didn’t know why, but he was so scared and they were threatening to come up.

Zack glared at him. “No. He isn’t and he’s not at Brian’s either so leave. I don’t want to see you, freak! You hurt him. Bad.”

Sherlock didn’t say anything he just ran off. He didn’t even care that Zack called him ‘freak’ because he deserved it. He deserved every mean thing that happened to him from now on. He pushed that all down as he ran away from the house because he needed to find John! He needed to find his John! And now!

Sherlock ran and ran and he had no idea where John would be because he went to John's home and he wasn’t there either! He started to run to go look in the park and he wasn’t paying attention. He hadn’t been paying attention to anything for the last six hours! Even before Mycroft had called him he had been panicking, but now he couldn’t even think straight! He started tugging on his hair and whimpering and trying to think, think, _think_ , but he was getting nowhere and he was about to lose it.

Somehow he had wandered into the middle of the road and he looked up. He didn’t even know where he was because he couldn’t think and then he froze. He was in the middle of the road and a car was speeding towards him. The car was well over the speed limit and Sherlock couldn’t move! He was frozen because this was it! This was the end and he didn’t even care... He had hurt John so badly he couldn’t even live with himself!

Sherlock closed his eyes preparing himself to be struck by the car when suddenly he heard the squeal of the tyres and his eyes snapped opened. The car had turned the corner... And he was alive because the car had turned the corner instead of going straight! And then the gears in his brain started to slowly start up again and why was that car going so fast?

Sherlock closed his eyes as he tried to picture the driver. Built body, blond sandy hair, white skin, a crazed look in his eye, white shir— JOHNS DAD! Sherlock gasped and then started running because there was only one way he would be stupid enough to go so fast and that was if he had John. Sherlock ran as fast as he could to keep up with the car, but it was going so fast and he only had his legs and it was heading for the river so it could only go right or left and once it turned Sherlock knew it would be gone and he would lose it. He would lose John all because he wasn’t fast enough.

He wanted to sob! He wanted to break down and beg for John's forgiveness, but John wasn’t even with him and why, why, why! Did he do that to John? His John! Sherlock kept running and furrowed his brow as the car approached the turning point. Right or left? Only... It was going way to fast to turn and it would never make it! Ted wasn’t even breaking and then clarity struck him. Right or left wasn’t going to happen because he was going straight. Ted was a smart man in that he knew that there was nothing left for him... Might as well end it, but so help him because he was _not_ going to end it with John! John was Sherlock's and Sherlock didn’t care! He didn’t care anymore! He needed John and John needed him! They needed each other and Sherlock kept running and why was he so far away.

He watched as the car drove right off the edge and plummeted into the river. Sherlock screamed John's name and that was rather silly because John was in a car and couldn’t hear him, but Sherlock screamed it anyway... He screamed it over and over and over again as he ran and by the time he got to the ledge of the drop off the car was nowhere to be seen. Only water and ripples and muck! “Come on, John...” He muttered under his breath. “Come on!!!”

John wasn’t coming up... which left Sherlock with two meanings... either John was dead or he was stuck and Sherlock was not going to settle for the first option! He quickly scanned his surroundings and found a rock. He didn’t even know if this was going to work, but he grabbed that rock and then dove into the water. He had to try... He had to try for John.

The ice cold water took Sherlock's breath away, which was probably not a good thing considering he needed every breath he could get. He didn’t come up for another breath though, he didn’t have time! Time was crucial in this moment. He swam as fast as he could and it was hard to see where he was because the water was so mucky and thick and brown that he couldn’t see more than two feet in front of him. He kept swimming and he didn’t even realise how much he needed air because this was about John. All about John and nothing would get in the way of saving John and if he died trying, then he died trying.

Finally he could see then car. Really, in all honesty, this was rather stupid because he didn’t even know if John was in the car! He just saw his dad... But if John was in there he would be in the back seat because he didn’t see anyone in the front when his father almost ran him over. Sherlock got to the back door of the car and his lungs were screaming at him... He needed air and he didn’t have much longer, but all he had to do was break the window and they would be fine. They both would. Sherlock tried to open the door so he didn’t have to use his rock, but he knew how stupid that was because of the pressure underwater. He knew the door wouldn’t budge so he didn’t know why he tried it in the first place.

He tightened his fingers around the rock and wished more than anything that he could just _breathe_! That was of course useless, but he could dream. He wrapped his left hand on the handle of the car door for leverage and then brought his right hand down as hard as he could against the window. He did it again and again and again and it wasn’t _working!_ He screamed out of frustration and then regretted it almost immediately when he realised he just used half of his remaining air. He closed his eyes and then wrapped both hands around the rock and brought it down with everything he had. His hands went through the window and his eyes snapped opened realising he had finally got it!

His heart was pounding and his lungs were screaming, but he did one strong breaststroke kick into the car and got John. He was expecting to have to undo a buckle or untangle him, but to Sherlock's luck he wasn’t tied down at all. He grabbed John and then pushed off of the seats to get out of the car. John wasn’t moving and that terrified him, but he refused to believe that John had died. He wouldn’t believe it... not now, not ever.

Sherlock held onto John tightly as he swam up to the surface as fast as he could. He finally breeched the top and gasped in air. _Air!_ Breathing was most definitely not boring and the fact that he ever had that thought in his whole entire life was the dumbest thought he had ever had. His whole body was aching and his throat hurt, but he was still holding John and he wasn’t going to let him go. He flipped on his back and rested John's back on his stomach so that his head resting against Sherlock's shoulder and it was out of the water as he swam to shore.

After what felt like hours, but was probably only forty-five seconds, he reached the shore. He pulled John onto it and then got to work immediately. John wasn’t breathing... _John wasn’t breathing!_ This couldn’t be happening to him!! John was going to die thinking that Sherlock hated him and it was all his fault! This whole thing was his fault! He crawled over to John and placed his mouth over John's and pinched his nose and he breathed... _one breath, two breaths, pull back._ What was next! He felt like he was drowning which was really ironic considering the fact that he almost did! And then it dawned on him. Pulse! Check for a pulse!! Sherlock's brain was whirling around and he would save John. He skipped steps... Thankfully the scene was safe, but he couldn’t call 999 because his bloody mobile was broken! He tried screaming, but he didn’t think anyone was around, but his brain wasn’t working properly so he supposed there could be.

 _....eight....nine....ten...._ Oh thank god there was a pulse! It was so, so weak, but it was there. Rescue breathing then, that’s what he needed to do. He pinched John's nose and swallowed before counting. _One, two, three, breathe in, and out._ He pressed his lips to John's lips and breathed out on five. That’s how rescue breathing went right? Five seconds per breath, look, listen, and feel on the first three seconds. Look for the chest rising, listen for John's breath, and feel the breath on his skin... his cheek, then breathe in the fresh air on four and out into John's mouth on five. He was positive, but he couldn’t remember for sure and his brain wasn’t working! _One, two, three, breathe in, and out._ Sherlock had no idea how long he did this for and he didn’t hear the sirens in the distance. He didn’t hear them approaching, but he felt the hands trying to pull him away and lift John up and he screamed. No one was going to take John away from him! He would live! Sherlock knew he would, but people were holding him back and he didn’t know why! And it wasn’t fair because now John was going to die and he was in shock he knew he was, but he couldn’t stop it and he didn’t know what was going on and he kept on drowning and it never ended and he needed to apologise and say he was sorry, but he couldn’t because John wouldn’t hear him!

“Sherlock! Sherlock! It’s okay... They’re just taking John away so that he can get real help, but you did so good, Sherlock. You saved him.”

The voice was so soft and so sweet and he knew that voice! Why did he know that voice? It was like he was in a fog and he couldn’t see, he couldn’t think, and he couldn’t hear, but somehow those words got to him, even if they sounded so far away. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to figure out who was talking to him... He racked his brain and tried to push everything down... and then it hit him and his eyes snapped opened.

Detective Inspector Garrett.

He looked up at the man with big, scared eyes. He had never been so terrified in his life and he was shaking. He hated not having control over his body, but he had no choice and now big strong hands were coming down on his shoulders and then pulling him into a hug.

“You did so good... I am so proud of you.” He whispered quietly and just held Sherlock and that was really nice Sherlock thought because he really needed that comfort.

He held onto the man for what seemed like ages... He didn’t know how long, but when he finally pulled away the DI was looking down at him with a kindness and sadness in his eyes and Sherlock didn’t understand...

“Come on... I’ll drive you to him...” He whispered as he started to guide Sherlock towards his car and Sherlock wasn’t thinking about anything at that moment other than...

_John._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so sherlock may not know if he is correct, but that is the correct way! I was a life guard and know CPR and First Aid... awwwwwwwww yeyyy I was also a swimmer and a water polo player so I could probably kick your ass! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
> 
> hehe!! HOWEVER IF YOU NEED TO DO RESCUE BREATHING YES IT IS ONE TWO THREE BREATHE IN AND OUT FOR AN ADULT, BUT FOR AN INFANT IT IS ONE BREATH IN AND OUT AND JUST A PUFF OF AIR ENOUGH TO FILL YOUR CHEEKS BECAUSE TOO MUCH AND THEY WILL EXPLODE! ;-; 
> 
> now that you are all educated in rescue breathing I feel like I did some good to the world! 
> 
> DEUCES!!!


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We find out the reason behind Sherlock's actions.... not to mention John has a bit of a surprise for us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah!! three summary's in a row! IM ON FIRE! Also I will have two updates in a row!! I will be updating Everything Is Not What It Seems later tonight! So if you love this story, but haven't read that one you should! John is an assassin! (; 
> 
> Also Also a baby spilled milk on my laptop and now its inside of the screen at the top and let me just tell you this was NEW!!! smh for that baby!! so now there is a dark scary spot and I don't know how to fix it and my computer will probs end up dying... I'm so sorry...
> 
> ALSO ALSO ALSO Ever since i got a new computer when i copy and paste the story to the box it gets rid of all paragraphs and bolds and italics and centres and UGHHHHHHHHHHH HATTTTEEEEEE
> 
> so now that you have probably not read what I wrote, enjoy the story!

Two weeks had passed. Two weeks since the accident, two weeks since the rescue, and two weeks since John has been in a coma. The doctors had said that they finally got him to breathe on his own again, but he had fallen into a coma... John was hooked up to machines and even one was making him breathe and Sherlock didn’t understand why he needed a machine to help him breathe if he could do it on his own! They just told him that it helped John out more and Sherlock didn’t argue because he needed John at the moment and if the doctor said it was best then he would listen.

Sherlock hadn’t moved from John's bedside, unless Mycroft forced him to take a shower. That has only happened three times so Sherlock has only left three times. Thankfully Mycroft could pull some strings so that he could stay past visiting hours and Sherlock was actually very grateful for that. Sherlock sat in the chair at his bedside and just held John's hand... He realised that he was probably the last person John would want to see when he woke up, and yes when because this was not a matter of if! He would wake up because Sherlock wouldn’t take anything less. He looked at John's lifeless body; it was like he was as cocoon... He swallowed hard and his mind started to drift.

_Sherlock was sitting on the couch reading a book and waiting for John to come back. He wasn’t next to him when he woke up this morning so he just assumed that John went out to get some things. Which was true, but he had been gone an awful long time... Sherlock was just bored and he knew that time apart was good for a healthy relationship... If you were with your partner 24/7 there was a possibility that you could get bored of each other he supposed. Of course that would never happen with John... John always managed to surprise him and it was so amazing. He pictured them living a long life together and once they were old enough they would move out of his house and go find somewhere small and nice. Maybe have a child or two, but Sherlock also knew that John probably needed the space so that he didn’t end up leaving Sherlock._

_It was good for John to get some fresh air because he hadn’t gone out in a long time... it seemed that they always just stayed in the house and did things. Sherlock didn’t mind that because they did a lot of experiments, but John probably needed a break every once in a while. He sighed as he laid back against the couch. He was so bored and he couldn’t imagine a life without John anymore... Which was probably unhealthy, but Sherlock didn’t care. He closed his eyes to take a nap and started drifting when he was jolted awake by the sound of a door smashing opened. He swallowed hard as he turned to see what had made that sound._

“Any progress..?” Mycroft asked when he came into the room, snapping Sherlock from his thoughts.

Sherlock swallowed and brought his knees up to his chest as he shook his head, “My... What if he doesn’t wake up...” Sherlock dreaded that more than anything...

Mycroft swallowed hard and slowly walked over to sit next to his little brother. “Well, if he doesn’t wake up...” Mycroft pursed his lips because neither of them were religious and he hated the whole speech about how he’s ‘in a better place now’. It made both of them just feel worse. “Well, it means you were too late Sherlock, but you can’t blame yourself... You did everything you could to save this boy and he knows that... but what you did might not be enough...” He swallowed hard.

Sherlock looked like he wanted to cry as he held John's hand. “He would have died thinking that I hate him...” he whispered. He didn’t know what pained him more... the thought that John would be dead or the thought that he died thinking Sherlock had lied to him.

Mycroft pursed his lips and swallowed. “Yes... but I’m sure he knows now... wherever he is... unless of course there is nothing after death and you’re just dead and cease to exist entirely—“ He realised Sherlock was giving him a strangled, pained look that practically killed Mycroft. “Right.. Time and a place...” He cleared his throat. “Why did you lie to him?”

“It doesn’t matter why I did anything Mycroft! The past is in the past and I can’t change that no matter how much I may want to...” He swallowed hard. “Everything I did, everything I ever said to him... he probably thinks it was just a lie... me acting so that he would believe every word... I think maybe that’s the worst part.” He cleared his throat and looked away. “What do the doctors say...?”

Mycroft sighed, “you know what they say, Sherlock, you just don’t want to accept it. Father isn’t willing to pay for anything and mother is giving John two more days... She knows you care about this boy more than anything, but she just can’t afford it... not without fathers help...” he swallowed and put his hand on Sherlock's knee. “I’ll leave you alone again...” He paused for a moment and then stood up and walked out of the room.

Sherlock didn’t even acknowledge the fact that Mycroft left. He just stared at John and rubbed John's hand as his mind drifted again.

_Sherlock's head snapped up and he swallowed hard, maybe it was a good thing John wasn’t here after all... “Father...” Sigar’s eyes narrowed and he walked up to his younger son and shoved him against the couch. “Sherlock.” He greeted and then paused for a moment as he looked around the room, “where’s John?”_

_Sherlock swallowed hard and tried to wiggle away from his father. “He’s not here! Go away! Why can’t you just leave us alone?” S_

_igar growled at Sherlock and squeezed his arms tightly, “because he is a poor, useless, dumb boy! We do not want to be seen with people like him!”_

_“You’re being stupid!! John is the best thing that has ever happened to me and you’re never here anyway!” He growled back. He would not shy away from this man._

_“Yes, you are right on that, but I do care about reputation and whereas I might not see, someone else will! I will not have that so you have one of two options! You can A. Keep John and watch as I put a bullet right through his head... or B. You can break up with him. Tell him this was all an experiment or something. You’re creative you can think of something, but you must be so cruel that he has to believe you... so cruel that you will break John.”_

_Sherlock rolled his eyes. “You have threatened to kill him how many times? It’s not going to happen, father. I love John and I don’t care what you say! He stays.”_

_Sigar’s lips pulled into a creepy smile and he smirked. “I forgot to mention one small detail... he stays and not only does he die in front of you, but your mother dies as well and Mycroft. You two have seemed awfully close since John... I’m sure his loss would break your heart and I know for a fact that your mothers would. You always were a Mummy’s boy.”_

_Sherlock swallowed hard and closed his eyes, “why are you doing this...” he whispered weakly._

_“Well like I said.... reputation, but also I actually rather like seeing you miserable. I want you to go back to that time.” He hummed and then let go of his son. “Think it over... and Sherlock... don’t try anything because I will be watching.” He smirked and then with that he left._

_Sherlock swallowed hard and stayed on the couch. He stared at the wall for hours until John finally came home. John was so sweet and so beautiful and he was apologising to him and kissing him now and it broke Sherlock's heart to pieces because he had to pretend to hate him, he had to pretend like he didn’t want him, he had to pretend like this was all just a big whole experiment, but it was so, so worth it because in the end... in the end this would protect him._

~O~

Two days passed by so quickly. The doctors came in and Sherlock was currently laying in the bed with John and he knew that if John were wake up and find him laying in bed next to him that that would be a very bad thing, but he couldn’t help it... he needed to be next to him. He swallowed and looked at the doctor, “Yes...”

The doctor swallowed a bit and sighed. “I’m sure your brother or someone has told you, but it’s been two days... We have instructions to take him off life support if he hasn’t woken up by now...”

Sherlock swallowed hard and held John closer. This wasn’t fair! “Please!! Just wait a little bit longer! He’ll wake up I’m sure of it!”

The doctor sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry, but we have to do it now... you may take a moment to say your goodbyes...”

Sherlock wanted to cry, but he would not cry in front of these people!! “No... “ he whispered, “he won’t hear me anyway...” and Sherlock had been talking to him for two weeks straight... he had already said everything he had wanted to say.

The doctor nodded slowly and turned off all the equipment. He walked over to John and took the tube out of his throat and the wires and IV out of his body.

Sherlock held John's hand through the whole thing; he had to be brave for John. If he was dying he would want someone to be there for him... and there was a time when there was... John was there when Ted almost shot Sherlock and John was there when his own father actually managed to shoot Sherlock and now Sherlock was here for John. It was funny Sherlock thought because both times John's father was involved.

Sherlock was lost in thought again. Ever since he lied to John he had been doing that a lot and now John was dead. He wasn’t on life support so now how could he survive? He swallowed hard and closed his eyes when suddenly he felt a jerky movement beside him and coughing. Coughing? Well that didn’t make any sense... all the doctors had already left... He opened his eyes to see who had entered the room and when he realised no one else was there he slowly turned his head.

John! It was John!! His eyes were screwed shut and he had a pained expression on his face as he coughed but he... he was alive! He quickly jumped out of bed and ran down the hall screaming for a doctor because John needed one and he needed one quickly before he went back into a horrible coma. 

~O~

The doctors worked on John quickly, although there was nothing to really work on. He miraculously woke up and that was that. Once they were sure John was fine they told him about what happened and asked him questions.

The last thing John could remember was his father kidnapping him and him falling into cold water. He didn’t want to talk about it, but they made him and that made Sherlock rather angry. They said they needed to make sure his brain was okay or something or another... Sherlock wasn’t really paying attention. They also told John that he would have been dead and at the bottom of the river right now if it hadn’t been for Sherlock. He didn’t make eye contact when they told him that, but then again he hadn’t been making eye contact with Sherlock since he had woken up. That killed Sherlock, but at the same time Sherlock didn’t blame him because John was probably confused.

Eventually the doctors and nurses stopped asking John questions and left the two alone. Silence enveloped the room and Sherlock swallowed hard... he didn’t know what to say... “Why are you here?” John asked after what felt like an eternity.

“John... I—“ he swallowed hard, “I didn’t mean what I said... any of it and trust me when I say you have every right to hate me, but my father... he said if I didn’t do what I did he would kill you and mummy and Mycroft! And I couldn’t let that happen... please understand... I need you and I love you so much, John! To the moon and back!” he whispered and swallowed again.

“What makes now different? Why are you here now then... can't he still kill us...?” he swallowed hard and looked at Sherlock for the first time.

“Possibly... but I don’t think he will... I just have a feeling and I know that that’s stupid, but I’m being selfish right now and I need you...” he looked down at the ground.

“Sherlock!! So what happens when I get shot and your mum and Mycroft?” He glared a bit. He was just so confused and he didn’t know what he wanted... he wanted to be mad at Sherlock, but he also wanted to rejoice that he still had him.

He sighed heavily. “I- I would have nothing left, but John... I don’t- he’s gone... I think... I don’t think he will hurt you! He’s all talk!!”

“THEN WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!!” He screamed and then winced.

Sherlock swallowed hard, “because, John... I was scared... John please... I am so sorry! I won’t do anything like this ever again!!”

John looked away and sighed heavily; “I forgive you, but...” he trailed off.

Sherlock's eyes widened, “but what... John I will do anything!”

John kept his eyes fixed on the opposite wall and swallowed, “Sherlock while you were off ‘hating’ me I had time to think... really think about what I wanted in life and where I should go... I—Sherlock I need to thank you because without you doing this to me I know for a fact I wouldn’t have made this decision and I probably would have regretted it in the years to come...”

Sherlock frowned a bit and furrowed his brow, “what decision did you make..?”

“Sherlock...” he whispered quietly and didn’t speak for a long time, “I love you... do you know that?”

“Yes, of course, John... and I love you. Where is this going?”

John sighed heavily again, “the chances of us getting married or staying together forever is very slim... and if we do the chances of us being happy are also slim because we are always together... this is my first true relationship and I know it’s yours as well, that being said...” he trailed off again, trying to regain his thoughts. He couldn’t think of a way to put this lightly so he just decided to come right out and say it, “Sherlock, I’m joining the army.”

Sherlock's heart shattered, “wh-what... John, are you insane!! You’ll die!!”

John narrowed his eyes, “Well, that’s reassuring!” he sighed and then shook his head, “Sherlock I have my own life and it took me this breakup to realise that... I also have nothing left for me really without you and when the day comes that we don’t want to be together anymore I won’t have a single thing... I won’t do that to myself! I want to be a doctor, Sherlock, but I don’t have any money!”

“John! I’m rich! I could pay for—“ He was cut off by an exasperated John.

“Sherlock! I don’t want your money for one and for two it isn’t yours it’s your parent’s money! I want to earn this on my own and I don’t want the easy way out! If I join the army they pay for my school, but I’m also doing my country a favour! I’m helping them and all of the soldiers who get wounded! Plus, I think it would be my best option to be an army doctor because I would get to help people survive and I would be fighting for my country at the same time and I know that I would get to help people in a normal hospital, but just something about the war is appealing to me... I need to do this for me and nothing you say to me is going to change my mind. I’m sorry...”

Sherlock glared at him and didn’t say anything for a long while, “how long? How long until you leave?”

John frowned a bit because he didn’t even know what day it was, “what day is it?” John swallowed. He didn’t know how long he had been out.

“May fourth.” Sherlock said instantly. Sherlock had been counting the days practically every minute... he always knew what day and what time it was ever since John had fallen into his coma.

John swallowed hard and looked at the wall again, “two weeks.”

“And you weren’t planning on telling me?” he snapped.

“YOU WOULDNT TALK TO ME SHERLOCK! GOD DAMMIT!” he hissed. “If you’re going to be like that get the hell out of my room!”

Sherlock glared at him, “gladly.” And with that he stood up and left. It wasn’t that he wanted to leave, but he didn’t want to have John see him cry, which is exactly what he did as soon as he was out of sight... Sherlock didn’t know this, but on that other side of the door John was crying too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Army John is bamf... and just think if Sherlock never broke his heart this wouldn't be happening right now.... (; 
> 
> i'm one for angst if you couldn't tell..
> 
> ALSO I'LL PROBABLY DIE BEFORE I POST THIS BECAUSE THERE IS LEGIT STABBING PAIN HAPPENING IN MY KIDNEY!!! The other day I had a heart attack and then went driving... that was fun!
> 
> you know... sometimes in the notes authors put informational facts, but I just put a bunch of random shit that i'm feeling... you may blame my ADHD for that....
> 
> also also i tend not to read the informational bit... i doubt any of you read my notes anyway, but hey!! i enjoy writing them! And holy fuck my laptop was unplugged for who knows how long and i had no idea!
> 
> so if you like my story and have not KUDOS IT OR SUBSCRIBED! YOU SHOULD DO THAT!!!! Also i love hearing what you guys have to say more than anything... so please please comment!!
> 
> also i mentioned above about my assassin john story! you should all read that! all you have to do is click my name and then got to Everything Is Not What It seems, but i also know you are all lazy bastards so here...
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1427500
> 
> UNTIL NEXT TIME BITCHES! DEUCES!


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John dies. No just kidding he goes to the army... heh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am in the weirdest mood right now and I keep talking to myself and I feel like no one reads my notes anyway so it's okay to admit this...
> 
> As you can tell by my summary... You know I feel like people take things to seriously... My summary's are never serious... Does that bug you guys?
> 
> I bet I've lost readers because of my summary's... well fuck.
> 
> I HAVENT SLEPT IN EIGHT DAYS--- Oh my gosh!! EIGHT IS A MAGICAL NUMBER IN THIS CHAPTER AND I DIDNT EVEN MEAN TO DO THAT! IT'S A SIGN! 
> 
> seriously all my notes are like this... you should go back and read them if you havent already because I am fucking hilarious *Puts sunglasses on all cool like* Awwww yey
> 
> okay... carry on with my story.

A week later John was getting ready for school in the guest bedroom. Sherlock had allowed him to come back and even though he woke up from his coma a week ago and was released from the hospital five days ago Sherlock and John hadn’t said a word to each other. It wasn’t that John didn’t want to, but he was being stubborn. Sherlock was being a prick because he was angry that John didn’t tell him sooner, but he wasn’t talking to John! If John said a word to him he would laugh or say something snarky so John didn’t think he would even care if he was joining. He would probably rejoice with joy if john told him, although, John knew that wasn’t true now, but then he honestly thought that Sherlock didn’t deserve to know.

He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair. The only time he really saw Sherlock was at school when Sherlock, John, and the rugby players would all sit on the grass by Sherlock's tree and eat. He would also see him in class, but Sherlock never spoke. Hopefully, all Sherlock would need was time, but he left in a week and didn’t exactly have time. One thing he didn’t want to do was to go off to the war and not have made up with Sherlock. He would probably cave before then, but for now he would hold his ground.

~O~

They all sat on the grass and John was lost in thought. A week... only a week and then the life he thought he knew would be gone. He would have a different schedule and he would live in a different place... he would have to make new friends, he would have to learn new things, and he would have to work his arse off. He would have to follow orders and he would be so alone, but it would make him better and in the end John was sure it was worth it. He was snapped out of his thoughts by one of his friends poking his shoe.

“So... Last day of school! What are you doing for your summer, John?” A player by the name of Alex smirked.

John swallowed hard as he saw Sherlock stiffen, “nothing...”

Sherlock growled a bit and rolled his eyes, “oh, not planning on telling them either real mature, John.”

John swallowed hard and picked at his food.

Brian frowned a bit and Zack perked up, “tell us what?”

“You know Sherlock just because I didn’t tell you when we WERE FIGHTING doesn’t mean you need to be a prick about it all the time! Yes, I was going to tell them, but I obviously wasn’t ready! Thanks for throwing me into something I don’t want to do.” He snapped and then looked at his friends, “I’m joining the army and I leave in exactly one week.” He said, deadpanned. He wasn’t happy about what Sherlock did and so as soon as he said it he stood up and went to one of the toilets. He walked in and locked himself in there, he didn’t plan on coming out until the bell rang anyway. It was the last day and he could skip without missing anything in the class.

Sherlock swallowed hard because he didn’t know what he was doing wrong... well okay that was a lie because he knew exactly what he was doing wrong, he just couldn’t stop feeling this way... he felt so betrayed and angry and truthfully this was all his fault and John didn’t have that much time left, but he couldn’t help but be angry. He sighed as he said his goodbyes to his ‘friends’ and then went to find John... the only one that mattered.

He had no idea where John would have gone and he searched everywhere until he decided to go into the toilet. One of the stalls was shut and Sherlock frowned a bit. He awkwardly dipped his head to look under and sure enough John's shoes were there. He took a shaky breath as he walked up to the door and knocked on it softly. “John... can we talk, please?”

“Oh! So now you want to talk!” He sniffled.

Sherlock's heart dropped. John was crying... he made John cry! “Yes, I was being selfish... please come out...”

John swallowed hard because he felt ashamed and angry and so many emotions were coursing through his body and he hated it! He glared at the back of the door and was going to tell Sherlock to ‘fuck off’, but before he even knew what was happening he had stood up, walked to the door, and unlocked it for Sherlock. He was a bit peeved by his actions, but didn’t have any control over the situation.

Sherlock ran into his arms immediately and hugged him tightly, “Shh, don’t cry... I love you more than anything and I am so sorry, John. So sorry... I’m just angry and confused and hurt, but so are you and I wasn’t being fair! Please forgive me! And let me just tell you that I never beg for forgiveness...” He whispered and swallowed thickly as he tried to make the lump go away that was currently stuck in his throat.

John started giggling into Sherlock's neck as Sherlock held him. He couldn’t help it no matter how hard he tried and that was one of the things he loved most about Sherlock... Sherlock would literally do anything for him. Sherlock could make him laugh even when he thought it was impossible and John loved being with him. He continued to giggle and held onto Sherlock tighter as all the sadness edged away.

Sherlock frowned and pouted because he could be a child and that was just fine with John, “you don’t need to laugh at me...” he sniffed.

John shook his head and pulled away to look at Sherlock and smiled brightly, flashing those perfect teeth of his. “I’m not laughing at you, Sherlock... I’m just happy because you make me happy. I love you, too. More than you can imagine and yes, of course I forgive you, you git. I always will.” He said softly and leaned forward to press their lips together.

Sherlock blinked a bit and frowned, but kissed John back nonetheless. He didn’t understand John most of the time and that should have bugged him because he hated not knowing things, but truthfully... it just made him fall more in love... something he didn’t even think he was capable of, but now here was John standing in front of him kissing him softly and lovingly even after everything that had happened between them and just like that none of this mattered anymore because they had each other and that was the most important thing for them in that moment.

John pulled away and smiled some, “now, we have two options. Number one would be to go home and number two would be to go to class.” He whispered and brushed his nose against Sherlock's.

Sherlock's heart swelled and he loved it when it did that. “Home, please...” he whispered back.

John smiled and nodded and together they walked hand in hand out of the school.

~O~

A week passed rather quickly and soon John woke up the morning of his departure. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes. His train left at three and he was terrified, but he needed to do this and he was hoping that he could do this and be fine. He needed to get back to Sherlock and it would only be eight years... eight years. A lot could happen in eight years and that pained John, but at the same time if this was meant to happen then they would be okay. He lay in bed and just stared at the wall, Sherlock was cuddled up to him and sleeping peacefully. How could he sleep at a time like this?

Sherlock woke up an hour later and kissed John's bare chest softly. “Morning, my love.” He whispered quietly. He had completely forgotten what day it was, but one look at John's face told him everything. His heart sank and he felt like he was going to vomit so he closed his eyes and looked away to keep the tears from coming.

John choked back a sob and without a word leaned over to kiss him softly... one last time. Sherlock kissed him back with more emotion than he had ever kissed John with before. John was grateful that he didn’t reject him because it was very clear that he was upset... eight years. John took a shaky breath and ran his fingers down the side of Sherlock's torso.

Sherlock shivered in return and then rolled John over a bit so that they were both on their sides. He brought his hand up to John's hair and brushed it out of his face, even if John's hair was fairly short. He wasn’t going to say anything and it was clear John wasn’t either, but sometimes actions spoke louder than words. He swallowed hard and kissed down John's neck and he slowly slid his hand down John's back to hook his finger under John's pants. He pulled back a bit to look into John's eyes because he didn’t want to do anything John didn’t want... no matter how badly he wanted.

John swallowed and nodded slowly. This was their last time for years and he wasn’t going to pass it up. He helped Sherlock pull off his own pants and then he was naked. Sherlock and John didn’t sleep in anything but their pants so there weren’t any shirts or trousers to take off and that was always nice. John did the same to Sherlock and then pressed their bodies together. He loved being this close to Sherlock because he felt wanted... and he knew Sherlock wanted him, but it just felt different. John pressed his face into Sherlock's neck and whimpered a bit. They weren’t doing anything special, but it was their last time for eight years and possibly ever.

Sherlock kissed John's head softly as he reached between their bodies and grabbed both of their hardening pricks in his hand. He wanted to say something as he stroked the both of them, but he didn’t know what to say without breaking down. John seemed content on staying quiet though, the only noises that escaped him were soft and beautiful.

This was in no means going to be rushed by either of them. John wanted it to be slow and loving and sweet and judging by how slow Sherlock's hand was moving around the both of them he was thinking the same thing. After a moment Sherlock pulled away and rolled over a tad so he could reach into the drawer beside him. He pulled out the lube, but left the condoms because this was their last time and they were both clean. John watched as Sherlock poured the lube and then brought the hand behind him to prepare himself, but John stilled him. Sherlock gave John a rather frightened look because he was afraid he did something wrong and he wanted this to be perfect, but John just tugged on Sherlock's wrist until his fingers were brushing against John's entrance. Sherlock couldn’t help but feel like his heart swelled and break at the same exact time because out of all the times they had sex John never once bottomed. It wasn’t that he was never going to, but he wasn’t ready and Sherlock could see that. Sherlock also didn’t mind it because he liked the feel of John inside of him. He raised an eyebrow at the blond, but John just nodded and lifted his leg so that it draped against Sherlock's waist.

Sherlock wasn’t ever going to hurt John so he went as slow and gentle as possible as he prepared and stretched him. He held him close with his free hand, while he added a third finger. He was going to add four because he didn’t want John to feel any pain whatsoever... this needed to be perfect for the both of them and without proper preparation the first time was usually not a very pleasant experience.

It didn’t matter though because John was loving every minute of it. The feeling of Sherlock was enough to send him over the edge, but he would be damned if he came before Sherlock even got inside of him properly. John was making whining noises the whole time and small moans and he could barely think and he was so thankful for that because he didn’t want to think at all at the moment. Soon, Sherlock pulled away and he whimpered at the lost contact. He didn’t understand why Sherlock pulled away and that made him sad, but then Sherlock was pressing against his entrance and it was so nice and wonderful that he stopped whining and lifted his head to kiss Sherlock.

Sherlock kissed him back slowly as he pushed inside. He tightly squeezed his eyes shut because John was so warm and tight and the feeling made Sherlock see stars. His breathing stuttered and he rested his forehead on John's shoulder. He moved slowly and once he got all the way inside he waited for John to get settled.

John whimpered because Sherlock was just sitting there and that wasn’t very nice of him. He heard Sherlock chuckle softly and then he started to move in and out, slowly, like a rocking motion. He held John close and kissed John's collarbone as a way to say ‘I have you John and I’m never letting go’, but they both knew that once this was over they would have to let go and John would have to leave.

Sherlock didn’t ever move much faster and halfway through he realised John was crying. He swallowed and slowly kissed away his tears, this was emotional for the both of them and he wanted John to know that he would be here for him always, no matter how far apart they were from each other.

John couldn’t help it... he tried to stop the tears from coming, but they came anyway and John hated that. Sherlock was at least there for him and not put off by the water works so that was something to be grateful for. Sherlock kept hitting his prostate over and over again and soon he was coming and clenching around Sherlock in the most pleasant way. He whimpered and cried while he pressed his face in Sherlock's neck and just breathed him in. He would miss Sherlock's smell.

Sherlock rocked back and forth a couple more times and then came as well. John was so amazing and perfect. They laid in silence for a long time before Sherlock finally pulled out and got up to go to the bathroom. He got a wet washcloth and then knelt on the bed to clean John up. John laid there and looked at Sherlock, “I love you...” He whispered as Sherlock wiped off John's chest, “you know that right? You’ll always know that...”

Sherlock's breath hitched and he shook his head, “don’t talk like that... you’re going to be just fine. Don’t talk like you’re already dead...” He whispered and shut his eyes a bit.

“No... You’re right. I’m sorry.” He swallowed hard and looked at the ground.

“That being said...” He swallowed and laid back down to stroke John's face, “I love you more than words can describe.”

John smiled and they laid there in silence, memorising each other until John had to go.

~O~

They arrived at the train station and John and Sherlock got out of the car while Mycroft stayed inside. John grabbed his bags out of the boot and looked at Sherlock, “well... don’t be a stranger.”

Sherlock rolled his eyes, “Shut up. I’m going to write to you every single day until you get sick of me!”

“That will never happen, you git.” He giggled and smiled softly.

“Mm, one can only hope.” He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around John tightly. “Please be safe... please...” He pleaded.

“I’ll come back to you, Sherlock. I promise. I love you.”

Sherlock swallowed hard and looked into John's eyes. He nodded slowly and forced a smile, “to the moon and back.” Tears filled his eyes and he leaned forward and kissed John's forehead. He forced the tears to go away because he needed to be strong for him right now. Now was not the time to let it out.

John smiled softly and then pulled away from Sherlock and stepped on the train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WASNT THAT SAD?! I thought so... you can disagree with me whatevs I dont care.
> 
> Yo. you peeps need to get chour arse in gear and start leavin' me some shizzy shazzy comments.
> 
> but for seriousness i LOVE reading your comments and i reply back to everyone unless its a comment that doesnt need replying to because like what the fuck am i supposed to say to those comments...
> 
> if my mother were to read this right now she would be like 'whitney language!' 
> 
> she does that to me on instagram all the time.... actually if my mother found this i would be grounded until satan rose up from the ground and melted all of the snow in the world.
> 
> im 20. and american. could you tell?
> 
> knock knock
> 
> whos there?
> 
> Doctor who.
> 
> No, Doctor Watson, You prick!
> 
> No shit, Sherlock.
> 
> fuck you, Watson!
> 
> and these are all the daily important facts. you guys hate my notes dont you? WELL IM NEVER EVER GONNA STOP BITCHES!
> 
> DEUCES!


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letters! Letters galore!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my gosh guys!! So many people commented and said that they read my notes, but they don't read anyone elses usually and that made me feel like a special son of a bitch and now I'm a cocky bastard so just know that that is all you're doing. (;
> 
> Let me just tell you that this is by far the longest chapter and and AND!!! It's my favourites!! 
> 
> OH MY GOD MY FUCKING HAND HURTS AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY A LITTLE INVISIBLE GRIMLIN IS STABBING ME WITH A LITTLE INVISIBLE PIN.
> 
> Oh good it went away! You wouldn't know this, but it took me ten minutes to write 'Oh' after 'PIN' I took a break, yo!
> 
> I. AM. SO. FUCKING. EXCITED. FOR. YOU. TO. READ. THE. CHAPTER. SO. I'M. GOING. TO. STOP. TALKING. 
> 
> See you at the bottom, bitches!

Sherlock and John had been writing letters back and forth for four month now; it was adorable because Sherlock had written a letter right when he got home from dropping John off. He already missed him dearly and didn’t care if he had just seen John seconds before because he wanted to write a letter.

Sherlock was a bit antsy because he hadn’t received a letter for two weeks... well one week and three days. It was just odd because he usually got his letters on Monday’s and it was already Thursday! He sat on the couch and paced as dread flooded through him. What if John had died! He talked about getting deployed in his last letter and that terrified Sherlock, but he managed to be strong in his side of the letter.

He sighed and lay on the couch as he put his hands in front of his lips. He had recently started to take online university courses online because that was so much easier than having to go places and interact with people! It was a lot easier to talk to people with John, but he didn’t have John at the moment.

He swallowed and pushed the thought of John out of his head. He couldn't bare it because if the worst had happened it would utterly destroy him. The front door swung open and Sherlock ignored it until he felt something light drop onto his stomach. He blinked and sat up quickly and smiled brightly at the letter.

Mycroft grinned slightly, "I told you he was fine."

Sherlock narrowed his eyes, but it wasn't very effective because he was grinning from ear to ear and it just made him look creepy. "Shut up." He hummed.

Mycroft rolled his eyes, but was smiling as he left the room to give Sherlock some privacy.

Sherlock swallowed and held the letter in his hands before delicately opening it.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I'll be fine, don't worry! And I'm so sorry about the lateness, but I had to move all of my things and now I'm in Afghanistan. It's very hot here! I'm dying and there's dirt everywhere! Nothing but dirt and sun, but I'll get tan and I'll be super ripped and so, so sexy and you'll just die of hotness overload! Is that a thing? No... Well it is now! Have I told you about Miles? I knew him in the training camp, but now we are roommates or tent mates? But anyway we're becoming really good friends! You'll probably get jealous... Ha! But no need to worry he has his own girlfriend back home! I've told him everything about you (even your awful side because yes, you do have one) and he says you sound cool! I laughed, but you're pretty cool to me so I suppose laughing was a bit rude._

_I miss you more than I have ever missed anything in my life, please never forget that. I got to watch an operation today and I even helped out a bit... And by helped out I mean I fetched the water and tools for everyone, but that's okay because I need to earn my place and I still don't quite know what I'm doing (;_

_I tried writing to my mum and sister, but.... Well they haven't replied... I just want to thank you for sticking with me because it helps. Well I need to go, but I look forward to reading your next letter!!_

_Love,_   
_John. *: *:_

_p.s. I'm now beating you in the kiss department because one kiss once a week for the past four months just doesn't seem like enough!! (;_

Sherlock shook his head as he laughed happily and begun writing his letter immediately. This had become one of his favourite things and he never procrastinated. He smirked once he finished and put it in the envelope and then went to his mailbox and put it in there. He hummed a small tune and then went inside. He was always happier on days that John’s letters came.

~O~

John giggled as Miles told him a joke, “Nah, mate you’ve got it all wrong! You have-“ John was cut off by the mailman walking towards them. He gasped and jumped up without finishing his sentence to Miles, but that was okay because Miles just smirked and watched him leave.

The mailman handed over John's letter to him and John practically screamed. He felt all bubbly and happy and this was his favourite time of the week. He ran to his tent and sat on his bed as he slowly opened the letter.

_Dear John,_

_No, you have never talked about Miles in any of your letters, but I’m glad you made a friend... unlike me I don’t have any, but you... Brian keeps asking me to hang out with him, but I think he just wants to get in my ‘pants’. Is that how you put it? I’m actually terribly lonely without you so I’m thinking of buying a kitten... I mean why the hell not? We are going to end up with thirty-seven I might as well get a head start. If I happen to get one what should I name it? I’m not very good coming up with names and we have thirty-seven to name so I think you should name the first one._

_In other news you will never believe what Mycroft made me do this weekend! He made me watch Dear John. Ha Ha how fucking funny Mycroft. Him and his chick flicks I swear! They will be the death of me. However, I thought it was oddly weird how he was a soldier... I think Mycroft made me watch that to make me depressed. Stupid cakeman! So now every time I write your name at the top I think of that movie and cry a little bit on the inside._

_On a more serious note I am so sorry about your family. Just give them time and I’m sure they will come around. You went somewhere and left them and that can be scary... they also need time to adjust to this new life and I know you left them before when you went to live with me, but this is different. It’s different because you are in another country fighting for your life and sometimes I think humans have a way of retracting themselves so that when the ‘inevitable’ happens they won’t get hurt. They picture the glass half empty rather than half full and it sucks, I know it does, but you have to keep moving forward and just know, John, that I am always here for you._

_Holy shit, look at me. Giving advice on human emotions! You saved me and I need to thank you for that. And no that isn’t a goodbye... it’s a beginning._

_I love you more than life, John, please be safe._

_Love,_   
_Sherlock. *: *: *:_

John laughed sadly and held the letter close to him. God, he missed Sherlock so badly it hurt. He sat cross legged on the bed and pulled out his pad of paper and started writing.

~O~

Sherlock opened the letter with delicate hands and pulled it out of the envelope. He smoothed it out and then picked up the small kitten and put it on his desk. He smiled softly at the kitten as it tried to bite his fingers.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Are you really going to get a kitten!!! I am bitter Mister because now I will never see its kitten form because by the time I see it, it will be a cat! We better get loads of kittens when I return (; hmmm now for the names... name it Rainbow! Hehehe I laugh at my own jokes 99% of the time. I don’t know what to name it, love. You can name it Kitten! Ha! I’m shit at this naming thing so I’m going to move on, but before I do I expect a picture of the bloody kitten in my next letter!_

_Unlike you I have never seen Dear John, but I like the sound of it so as soon as I get back we are watching it! Along with The Notebook because somebody has never seen that and I think it’s a brilliant movie! Speaking of movies... imagine all of the new movies and telly and songs and news that I will be missing! That’s alright though because I’ve got you and that’s all I care about._

_Strangely what you wrote about my family was surprisingly comforting... you sure you didn’t kidnap someone into writing it for you? (;_

_Thank you, Sherlock, really. I know you said that I saved you, but you also saved me, please know that. We saved each other... and you’re right... this isn’t even close to the end are you kidding? You can’t get rid of me that easily! Ha!_

_I love you, but I must go now. They are calling me and as annoying as that is because I want to keep writing to you I need to leave. I love you, Sherlock._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *:_

Sherlock giggled as the kitten bit his fingers again and hissed at him. “Feisty little thing,” He hummed. “John would like you...” He sighed and immediately got to writing.

~O~

_Dear John,_

_I think Rainbow is a perfect name. I know you meant it as a joke, but that’s what they called you and I so his name is now Rainbow and I think he’s perfect. He doesn’t like people... at all... so I think that makes us a perfect pair. However! He’s warming up to me and that’s nice, he also hates cakeman with a passion and bites his toes all the time. He bites me all the time too so I suppose that isn’t saying much, but I’ll teach him to always be mean to cakeman! He also hisses at everyone, including me, but like I said he’s warming up._

_I don’t get why you want to watch The Notebook so badly, but I will do it for you. However, I will only watch it with you so consider yourself very lucky._

_John!! I’m hurt that you would think I would kidnap someone! That is most definitely your job, you forty-two year old man, you. What’s your number again? 1002? I can’t remember, but surely it’s gone up... maybe not I don’t really know if there is time to lure and seduce teenage boys in Afghanistan. I suppose you could kill your fellow army mates, but that would be problematic._

_God, someone is going to read this and think you are an insane serial killer. Ha! If you get arrested and go to jail I’m terribly sorry! I’ll just commit a crime and then we can share a jail cell I’m sure Mycroft could pull some strings and that way at least we would be together._

_I know I say this every single time, but I don’t care. John, you need to be safe because a world without you is a world I do not want to live in. Do you understand me? I will follow you without hesitation._

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_Sherlock. *: *: *: *: *:_

_p.s. I sent a picture of Rainbow like you asked. It was also a lot easier than explaining him._

~O~

_Dear Sherlock,_

_That is probably the most adorable kitten I have ever seen in my whole life... I wish I was there to hold it and I don’t even give a fuck if it were to hiss at me and bite me... I want to be with you. That being said you really didn’t have to name it Rainbow I was joking, but looking at the picture it just sort of fits... I don’t know, sentiment I guess._

_Today Miles just found out that his girlfriend is pregnant! Actually that rather kind of pisses me off in a way... I mean I’m happy for him don’t get me wrong, but he knew he was leaving and yet he didn’t bother to put on a condom! What if he dies? He’s leaving that poor family behind and all because he didn’t bother to wear a piece of latex on his dick! I know that when you go in the army you feel invincible and you feel like nothing is going to happen to you because it’s you, but the thing is, is that things do happen and even if we don’t want them to we have no outcome. It just.... makes me so angry!_

_Well... it’s adding to my anger anyway. I need to go for a walk, but THERE’S JUST FUCKING DIRT EVERYWHERE!!! I think now would be an excellent time to mention I operated for the first time today on one of the soldiers and he died... I couldn’t save him. And I get that I can’t save everyone, Sherlock, but it’s hard when you hold someone in your arms and watch as their life slips away from them... when they tell you to tell their wife they love them and to make sure they know that. It’s really hard and I don’t really want to be here anymore, but I made a promise and I will live up to it._

_Besides some days are better than others and I actually don’t mind it here. I miss you and I miss Mycroft, but I love it here... I get to fight for my country and help people, but it’s just hard on days like this when you watch someone you know die... when you hold them as they take their last breath... until that moment you don’t truly understand life. However, I’ve experienced this before if you remember and thank god you didn’t kick off and leave me behind, you bastard._

_I’m going to lighten the mood now because I refuse to end this letter badly. If someone were to read this I would die of laughter. It would happen and there would be no controlling it so you better hope that no one ever reads these (;_

_By the way my number is 1,967 there is always time to kill little boys with my seducing powers! Always. You better watch your back Sherlock Holmes because when I get back you’re next! Ha!_

_Also you may say it to me every letter and now I’m going to say it to you. I don’t care if you are in London because it can still be dangerous so I will keep my promise if you promise to me right now that nothing bad is going to happen to you._

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *:_

Sherlock smiled softly as he shook his head and got to writing. He wrote about how John was a brave man and that even though life sometimes sucks you need to move on. Never look in the past. He knew that that was easier said than done, but he knew John was strong. He also made his promise to John that he would wait for him until the end of time if that’s what it took.

 

~O~

Months passed and soon it was their year mark. Sherlock was waiting by his mailbox eagerly awaiting the letter and grinned brightly when the mailman handed it to him. He ran inside and  tossed a ‘thank you’ over his shoulder.

He locked himself in his room and sat down at his desk. He started locking himself away when he got a letter because it felt more private. Rainbow jumped in his lap and purred happily. He still hated people... everyone actually and the only person he liked or even got close to was Sherlock. In a way that made Sherlock's heart swell, but in a different way than when John made it do that.

He slowly opened the letter like he always did and pulled it out.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I think I have written this letter six times, but there’s just no way to put it... I’ve been putting this off as long as I can because I know you worry about me and I don’t want you to freak out when there’s not a letter in your mailbox on Monday, but I honestly don’t know how to put it into words. My brain is so confused right now and I feel so alone... which is silly because Miles is right outside, but no one can make me feel like you do._

_I killed a man today. My first one... ever. I came back and they congratulated me... I’m sorry, but I don’t really think that that’s something to congratulate someone on. I played god. That’s what I was because I got to hold his life in my hands and decide whether he lived or died. In the end I pulled the trigger._

_I’m thinking of just crumpling this one up right now because there is no way to express how I am feeling, what I am going through, anything. I’ll keep this one though because I need to tell someone and you’re that someone._

_Watching someone die and holding someone when they die feels nothing like it does when you make the decision whether someone lives or dies. Ever since I was little I was told killing people is bad... that everyone deserves a chance and that people can change... if you think about it they are doing exactly what we are doing... fighting for their lives and fighting for what they believe in. So what gives us the right to come over onto their territory and kill them? Don’t answer that. I know the answer._

_I killed a man and I will soon kill more. Possibly children. Does that make me a bad person? I think so._

_I’m sorry... probably not what you were expecting, but I can’t be happy right now and I’m not even going to try and pretend._

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

_p.s. Happy One Year Anniversary of me being away... okay so it’s not a happy thing, but it’s one step closer to me returning home. Also please ignore the wet spots... I was not going to start on a seventh draft all because I couldn’t control my emotions._

Sherlock swallowed hard and felt his heart break into little pieces. Like John he ended up writing many letters before he finally had settled on the right one.

~O~

_Dear John,_

_You must have known that this would happen eventually, but you’re right... it doesn’t make it any easier. I am at a loss with what to say and like you I have written this many times, but I can’t find the right words to say. I may have given you advice on human emotion long ago, but its different this time... this time I don’t know what it’s like to kill a man because I never have._

_Don’t ever think that you are a bad person for doing that... They signed up for the same thing that you did and they knew that there was a chance of them dying. People die. It’s a part of life and though it’s not really fair that you got to choose when they died it needed to happen._

_Frankly, I am happy you killed that man. That may be selfish of me, but I look at it like this: If you let him go he would have killed you. Maybe not right then, and maybe not even him, but now you have one less person to worry about. Like I said that is a very selfish way of looking at things, but I cannot picture a life without you, my John._

_I wish I could be there to comfort you and hold you because I can’t find the right words to write down... what do you write when something like this happens...? I’m not going to say sorry because I hate when people pity me... I’m not going to say it’s okay because you are killing people and in a way that’s not okay, but I can tell you that no matter where you are and no matter what you do, I will be here for you. Always._

_Happy Anniversary, John._

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_Sherlock. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

The letter made John smile and that made him smile more because even though they were thousands of miles apart Sherlock could still make him smile.

~O~

Months passed and eventually John had been gone for a year and a half and he had gotten over being homesick, sure he missed home and Sherlock, but it was really nice here. He loved the adrenaline rushes and the doctoring... everything was perfect he just wished he wasn’t so far away from Sherlock. He sat cross legged on the bed and opened the smooth white letter.

_Dear John,_

_I miss you incredibly much, but guess what today is... if you have forgotten then you are fired._

_HaPpY bIrThDaY, JOHN!!! (: (: (: (:_

_Ah ha! You probably thought I have forgotten, but in fact I have not! I got you your favourite candy bar (obviously crunchies), I got you a new journal, some sunscreen because I will not have you getting skin cancer! And some soap and deodorant... yes, I am aware that you probably have soap and deodorant, but this is what I wear so now you can smell like me! I know it’s not a very good birthday present, but if it is any consolation I bought your bloody crunchies at Primark! Do you understand the torture I had to endure walking into that store all by myself! It was awful, John!_

_Normally I would celebrate your nineteenth birthday with a romantic dinner, maybe a movie (even though I hate those awful things), a walk, and then I would make love to you under the stars... okay so not under the stars because that is actually rather illegal, but maybe I could convince Mycroft to let us do it in the backyard with the tulips. Would you like that? When you get back we can go there and I don’t give a fuck if Mycroft finds us in the middle of our activities because it will have been eight years!_

_Now, I know what you are going to say in your next letter and you will say: but Sherlock! This isn’t fair because when it’s your birthday I wont be able to get you anything!_

_Well have no fear, John, because just being able to write to you is enough._

_You will never believe how much Rainbow has grown... he still hates everyone, but me... I really hope he ends up liking you because that would be problematic if he didnt._

_Now for the romantic part of this letter because I can't give you romance._

_John, you are my everything. I’ve said this before, but I will never stop saying it. The day I talked to you was the day my life changed. There was something about you from the second you sat next to me and to this day I don’t know what it is, but I will tell you one thing... I never ask people if they need help on their assignments. That was the moment I knew something was off and I didn't know what it was at the time, I just thought I had a random act of kindness. However, throughout the whole day you continued to surprise me. I shut up when you told me to, I wanted to walk you home and I was not going to let you go alone no matter what, I stopped my deduction in the middle of a sentence because I was afraid of hurting you, and many more._

_Before I met you, John, I didn't believe in destiny and I didn't believe in ‘soul mates’ I thought the concept was ridiculous and that people were walking around with their heads in the clouds waiting for something that was never going to happen, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are my soul mate. I don’t care how long I have to wait, but I’m willing to wait forever... I will help you do anything no matter what that means for me. If you need help covering up a murder or simply stubbed your toe and need to be held, I will be there. Always._

_I can figure people out in seconds and know everything about them, I get bored of people easily, and I find human interaction pointless and tedious, but you're different. I know nothing about you, except for what you have told me, but you’re so ordinary. When I look at you I’m blinded and I feel like I’m looking into the sun. I get butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I can't breathe. I used to say that caring wasn’t an advantage and you want to know something? It isn’t... it’s the biggest disadvantage in the world because you care for that person so much that your brain can't see how this person could do anything wrong. They are always on your mind and sometimes you can't think! Caring is the biggest disadvantage of all, but I am willing to take that disadvantage if it means I get one John Watson in my life._

_You aren’t ordinary, John, youre special and unique and I don’t think that I will ever be able figure you out, but you know what? That’s just fine with me because I cant wait to unravel something new about you everyday._

_John Hamish Watson, I love you with all my heart and that will never change. I hope you have a happy birthday, John, because you really do deserve it._

_Love,_   
_Sherlock. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

_p.s. these kisses are getting rather ridiculous... how about we just keep it at nineteen for your birthday and I win on the kissing war? (;_

 ~O~

_Dear Sherlock,_

_It amazes me that people think that you can’t feel things... you can feel so much and I suppose I feel honoured that you have opened yourself up to me. You said it in your letter that it was a crappy birthday present... it may not be sex under the stars, but it’s perfect because it came from you (also you bought me crunchies and I will love anyone forever if they buy me crunchies... the fact that they were purchased at Primark makes them one million times better and the fact that they were purchased at Primark by you makes it a trillion.)_

_The journal was perfect and I will use it every day. I will have somewhere organised to write down my thoughts and drawings and whatnot... not that I didn’t have that before, but this came from you so it makes it special._

_As for the soap and deodorant... well I am going to use it as soon as I am done writing this letter to you because it has been a year and a half since the last time I have smelt you and I may have forgotten what you smell like... that is not a good thing and it makes me sad._

_As for the sunscreen I thank you. We have plenty here, but it is rather a crappy kind and now I don’t have to share with other people. I refuse. This one is now all mine and I don’t care what anyone says! (;_

_I remember a time when I told you that the chances of us being together forever were slim, but I think we can make it work... I know I want to try because I can never get you out of my head and it’s rather unhealthy. I love you so much and guess what! You were wrong! Ha! I can very much send you a birthday present and I was going to, too! It’s lame and not as cool as yours, but it came from my heart and its actually the only thing I can get you so whether you like it or not it is going to be your present._

_I’m going to go shower now, love._

_I’ll see you soon... in six and a half years (;_

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

_p.s. Never going to happen! (;_

 ~O~

It had been a year and eight months. Eight seemed to be an unlucky number for Sherlock, but today was his birthday and it happened to fall on a Monday! He had a bunch of people over because his mum insisted. Okay, so a bunch was being exaggerative, but there was cakeman and his mum. There was also Zack and Brian. Brian wasn’t here yet, but he was coming. Sherlock was a bit bitter because all he wanted was John and he wasn’t here and his mother had told him that his father was coming to this party! He also had to wear a pointy hat and that angered him.

“Mother! This is ridiculous let me take it off!” He tugged at the string and it snapped back and hit him on the cheek. He pouted and glared at his mother, but he just looked adorable.

“Awww, Sherly Whirly!! You look adorable! Keep it on, for me? Please!” she sniffled a bit.

He swallowed hard and nodded, “fine! But only because I’m getting my letter from John today!”

She gave him a sad look and then wrapped her arms around him tightly. “That’s my boy.” She said softly and planted a kiss on his forehead.

He grumbled, but let himself be held nonetheless... he actually rather liked his mother's hugs. Eventually she pulled away and he sat back down as he played with the end of his shirt. He just wanted his letter to come and he wanted this party to be over.

The door swung opened and his father strode into the room wearing the biggest smile he had ever seen. He frowned at the look on his face and wanted nothing more than to attack him, but he was his father and so he had to be good. He didn’t even know why his father was here... his mother said that he wanted to rekindle their relationship, but he knew that that was a lie. His eyes trailed downward as he noticed his father was holding a white, crisp envelope in his hand. His eyes widened and he growled, “Give it to me!”

His father laughed and walked over to him. He slowly handed him the letter and sat on the couch next to him. “Go ahead, read it, we’ll wait.” He said so softly.

Sherlock frowned because maybe he actually was trying to fix things... He slowly opened the letter and started to read.

_My Dearest Sherlock,_

_I just want to say... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I’m actually really upset that I’m missing it, but what can you do? You also missed mine so I suppose that’s payback! (; Inside the envelope is your present and like I said it’s nothing special, but it’s a bracelet and I made it for you. I don’t even know if you wear bracelets, but I made one for you... you don’t have to wear it, it was just the only thing I could get you for your birthday and I was not willing to send you nothing!_

_I’m going out on a mission tomorrow, though I should be back by the time you read this... because it’s my tomorrow, not yours... well that’s just confusing now isn’t it...? Anyway a lot of the guys are nervous saying it’s one of the more dangerous missions, but I’m not scared because I have you to keep me alive, and Miles of course!_

_His girlfriend had the baby and she sent pictures to him! It was a boy and it was such an ugly baby! Ha! They say there is no such thing, but let me tell you they are wrong... He, of course, thought it was beautiful so as long as he thinks so I’m happy._

_I’ll send you a letter as soon as I get back from the mission so you aren’t fretting! I will be okay, I promise. I love you so much, Sherlock Holmes, and I hope you have an extraordinary birthday! I would write more, but I must go._

_I love you._

_Love,_  
 _John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

 Sherlock smiled a bit and set the letter down. John was adorable and even though he was in danger he was at least safe now… or as safe as you could be. He smiled at his father who was smiling back at him, “Thank you.”

His father hummed and smiled, “You’re welcome… and I suppose now would be the best time ever to tell you that John is dead. He didn’t make it and I think that is the best birthday present I could ever give you!”

Sherlock’s mother gasped, Zack’s heart fell, Mycroft made a strange sound, and everyone else in the room was silent, but Sherlock didn’t hear anything... He swallowed hard and looked up at his father, “What...” He whispered so quietly he didn’t know if anyone even heard him.

His father just grinned brightly and looked Sherlock right in the eyes, “John is dead, Sherlock. He went on this mission and there was an explosion. His body didn’t even survive the explosion and he exploded into little bits all over the ground.” He hummed happily, it made Sherlock sick. “John’s dead and he’s never coming back. So enjoy that letter because it was the last.” And with that he got up and left the house.

Sherlock's brain was whirling and everything hurt. People were talking to him, but he didn’t understand what anyone was saying to him. The words just echoed in his head over and over again.

_John’s dead and he’s never coming back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well....... fuck. 
> 
> Wasn't that so good? omfg!!
> 
> Comment! PLLLLLEEEEAAASSSSEEEEE I love reading your thoughts! And I reply to everyone!
> 
> Also subscribe and kudos because this story isn't over!
> 
> OH BET YOU DIDNT SEE THAT COMING!!!
> 
> I'm going to start a segment! Ready?
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr!!!!!  
> Joke:  
> Q: What do girls and rocks have in common?  
> Answer:  
> A: The flat ones get skipped.
> 
> I tweeted that to Amanda Abbington once and she never replied so she never got the answer.... pity.
> 
> I saw that joke on a Laffy Taffy wrapper! My fellow United Kingdomers, and actually everyone outside of America... you dont have Laffy Taffy and I feel sorry for you. It is a kids candy so the fact that it was on the wrapper made me an extremely happy person... they are usually lame like...
> 
> (I actually have a five pound bag of Laffy Taffy in my closet let me just go grab that and I'll read you the two jokes... brb)
> 
> In case any of you were wondering the flavour that I picked at random was Apple.
> 
> Joke 1:  
> Q: Why was the cat afraid of the tree?  
> Joke 2:  
> Q: Why does a pig put on his cut? (This question doesn't even make sense to me so whatevs)  
> Joke 1 Answer:  
> A: He was afraid of the bark! AHAHAHAHAH SO FUCKING FUNNY!!!! not.  
> Joke 2 Answer:  
> A: Oinkment. OHHHHHH LIKE A CUT LIKE A WOUND OH IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!
> 
> In case you were wondering I just put it in my mouth and it was delicious.
> 
> Sorry for the jokes I was trying to make you forget the fact that John is dead... fuck I just brought it up again... well 
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES!


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... This is just pretty much some angsty stuff...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIYA!!! It feels like I havent updated this in years, but it has only been weeks and tbh I literally wrote this in one night, which was tonight, and edited it by myself because I couldn't be arsed to send it to my beta and I just wanted it up... so yeah!
> 
> Sometimes I write things that hurt my soul...
> 
> This is one of those times.
> 
> So enjoy the story bitches!

Sherlock sat on the couch while people talked to him. He should reply, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying and they kept touching him! He didn’t want to be touched, but apparently they thought that that was the right thing to do. Sherlock swallowed and didn’t move a muscle until he heard the doorbell ring. He got up slowly and moved to the door, he didn’t know who it was, he didn’t know what they wanted, he didn’t know anything, but it was better than getting mauled by a plethora of people. He opened the door with shaky hands and saw Brian standing there, smiling at him. He was talking to Sherlock, but Sherlock wasn’t listening and Brian didn’t seem to notice.

Brian was wearing a light pink button down shirt, with a white skinny tie. He had skinny brown pants on that were rolled up a bit and he had tan vans on his feet. His hair was spiky and Sherlock slowly brought his hand up to grab Brian's tie. He watched as Brian frowned a bit, but Sherlock just tugged on it and guided him up the stairs to his room. Not John's – never John's...

Mycroft had to look away because everything was too much to take in and he couldn’t even imagine what Sherlock was going through. Lily Holmes choked on a sob and went to the kitchen to busy herself. Zack swallowed and left because he felt like he didn’t need to be there. And Rainbow went on with his life like nothing was happening because to him it wasn’t. They all knew what was happening upstairs and no one was going to stop it because they didn’t know how... and their argument didn’t even matter anymore because John was gone...

~O~

Sherlock gasped and then collapsed on the bed breathing heavily. He closed his eyes and swallowed thickly because he was hoping that this would get rid of the pain, of the emptiness, of the unbearable sadness he was feeling, but it didn’t... if anything it just made it so much worse.

Brian hummed and gathered Sherlock up in his arms as he kissed the top of his head, “well if I didn’t know any better I would think that it was my birthday.”

Sherlock shoved him away... this was wrong, so, so wrong, but then again what was right now? He felt guilt that he just betrayed John – his John.

Brian frowned and looked at him, “hey... that was amazing... what’s wrong?” he whispered and kept his distance because he didn’t want to be pushed away again.

Sherlock swallowed hard and stared up at the ceiling because what was he supposed to do now? He took a shaky breath and wouldn’t look at Brian, “John’s dead.” He said with no emotion whatsoever. This way he didn’t have to deal with anything – this way he was hoping it would hurt less.

Brian’s heart dropped and shattered into a million pieces because he should have known that he wasn’t good enough for Sherlock unless there was a reason – and even then Sherlock was probably still using him... “So... all of this meant nothing? You were just using me?!” He tried to keep the hurt out of his voice, but he was pretty sure he was failing.

Sherlock took a sharp breath and still wouldn’t look at him, “yep. And I’ll probably continue using you...” He said truthfully.

Brian swallowed thickly and didn’t say anything for a long time, but nodded slowly because he figured a world with Sherlock was one he wanted... whether it was what he imagined or not and perhaps with time Sherlock would learn to love him. He didn’t say anything about John and he didn’t say he was sorry because he wasn’t! He was glad John was dead – sure, John was his mate, but he was always beating him at everything and Brian was sick of it! Hell, he even had Sherlock and Brian didn’t, except for now things were about to change because John couldn’t be here to take things away from him!

Sherlock was grateful he didn’t bring up John and only thought about himself. He swallowed and rolled over as he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

~O~

John got back from the mission and frowned a bit when the mailman said that there hadn’t been anything for John yet. He shrugged and decided to write Sherlock a follow up letter anyway because he figured Sherlock hadn’t even received his first letter yet. He lost track of days in the Afghanistan heat.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_See! I told you I would write you as soon as I came back from the mission! A giant bomb went off and killed half of our team that went out on the mission... that was tragic, but I can’t be arsed to care because I’m still alive... what does that say about me now? Remember a time in my life when I couldn’t stand a single man dying? Now, I don’t even care because I’m safe and so is Miles. I think that that makes me a rather cold person... I mean yes, it was tragic, but I just don’t care anymore... I’m hoping that will go away when I get home._

_I think part of my problem is that I’m here fighting for my life so when someone dies that isn’t me I feel relieved... not because they died! It’s always sad when someone dies and I still feel a twinge of guilt, but I’m relieved because it was them and not me. Out here you tend to appreciate life more and when someone dies that I don’t really know or have only talked to a handful of times it isn’t as tragic as when one of my friends die... but at the same time I really only have Miles as a friend so as long as he’s safe then I’m happy!_

_I really hope you can meet Miles one day! Perhaps when I return home... Maybe you’re sick and that’s why you’re not replying... well if that is the case, my love, then I hope you get better soon. At least Rainbow will keep you company! And it was your birthday and that’s a terrible time to be sick!_

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

That was the first one John sent back after he returned back at camp from the mission. He was so naive back then and it hurt him. He waited two weeks before he wrote the next one… that one was filled with worry because he was afraid something had happened… and eventually he started writing every single day. He would have laughed at the idea because it was almost like the notebook, but he was too worried and angry to laugh.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and there was no sign of Sherlock… John began to get angry and resentful, but he didn’t stop writing because he needed answers.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I’m really starting to worry... Please write back as soon as you can... I need you right now – I mean yeah, I have Miles, but I need my boyfriend and you’ve just gone and disappeared on me! I feel like it was something I have said, but I can’t for the life of me figure out what I did wrong. Can I apologise for it now? Can you even apologise for something that you don’t know what you did wrong? I don’t think so, but I can tell you now that I’m sorry for anything I may have done if it has upset you... I never meant to hurt you in any way, shape, or form._

_Without you writing back to me... and without me knowing if you hate me or not, I really don’t know what to write..._

_I think I’m just going to end this letter right now... I mean I’ll be writing one tomorrow anyway and Miles is trying to get me to play Bullshit with him... so help me I never want to play that card game for as long as I live!_

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

~O~

Three months came and went in a haze of darkness. Sherlock knew that that wasn’t an actual thing, but that’s what it felt like. Nothing had colour and everything was dark. Sherlock had been dating Brian – well that’s what Brian said anyway and they got together for a shag every couple of days so he supposed that telling Brian that they weren’t actually dating would be a rather cruel thing to do. He sighed as he phoned Brian because he needed sex – okay, so that was a lie. The sex made him feel guiltier than ever, but he kept on shagging the poor bloke because he was hoping that at some point that would change.

Brian answered and Sherlock rather thought he was annoying so all he said was: “come over,” and then he hung up the phone. Sherlock didn’t know why he kept insisting that a fuck would make him better because he had been doing this for three months and each day he would just fall further and further into depression. He had a suspicion Brian could sense it because he had become cuddlier in hopes of drawing Sherlock out of his funk, but if Sherlock was truly honest with himself he hated the cuddles more than anything.

Sherlock must have zone out because before he knew it Brian was crawling in bed next to him with a small bag. Sherlock zoning out was nothing knew though, he had been doing it since he heard the news and everyone that knew Sherlock also knew that it was just something they had to deal with now.

Brian smirked and kissed his forehead, “hey... I brought you something.” He smiled and pulled the items out of the bag.

Sherlock frowned as he looked at the white cloudy liquid in the syringe and the needle attached to it. He noticed that there was a blue band – probably for the tourniquet. Sherlock's eyes moved over to the small baggy with green stuff in it, it looked like grass and weeds, and the small pipe and lighter. He sighed as he took everything in – so marijuana and heroin... maybe cocaine? Sherlock was shit at being able to tell what kind of drugs were in front of him... He had never done them and he never wanted to, but now here they were sitting right in front of him and it seemed like the best option available.

Brian smiled sadly, “I got these because you obviously need something to cheer you up... I’ve never done them, but I don’t play rugby anymore so I figure its okay... I’ll do it with you and we can have sex... or not, but I hear that when you’re high sex is like magic...” He trailed off and started to lift up Sherlock's sleeve.

Sherlock swallowed and just laid there as he watched Brian get to work. He rolled up his sleeve and with gentle hands put the blue band around his arm and tied it tight.

“You can do this yourself next time, but I don’t know if you know how to do this or not and the guy who sold it to me taught me everything I need to know... I got a whole stash and maybe next time you can pay for it because it’s fucking expensive...” He trailed off and searched for Sherlock's vein.

Sherlock just laid there because he hated talking and he rarely ever talked lately. Only when he really needed to and that was very seldom. Mycroft worried and so did his mother, but he couldn’t help feel this way... Brian worried too, but in his own way. He closed his eyes and Brian finally injected the fluid into his arm. It took long enough for him to find it, but Sherlock just assumed that it was because he didn’t want it to burn or something or another. The liquid filled his vein and Sherlock gasped and arched his back. It was like a rush he had never experienced and colour was brought to life – still not what it would look like if John were here, but there was colour instead of gray!

He felt invincible, his brain was clear and the constant thoughts of John and everything else went away and he could concentrate on other things, and his body was practically thrumming. It was the best feeling in the world and sure... it could kill him, but what did that even matter anymore! He looked at Brian with heavy eyes as he injected himself as well. He couldn’t move – well he probably could, but he was feeling so much pleasure that he didn’t want to. Brian smirked and fucked him senseless as he laid there feeling the high of whatever Brian had injected him with.

~O~

_Dear Sherlock,_

_PLEASE ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING TWAT!!!! I’m angry! And you better have one hell of a good reason as to WHY you haven’t been replying! It has been three months! THREE MONTHS OF ME SLOWLY GOING MENTAL! Is that what you wanted? Because it’s happening and I’m so angry with you! But at the same time I’m really not because I could never be angry with you… well I suppose I can be angry with you, but not for long periods of time and whereas I was angry in the beginning of this letter I’m okay now. (: see happy face!!_

_I just don’t understand why you won’t write me back… I miss you. Miles misses you… okay so that last one was a lie… Sort of because Miles doesn’t miss you, but he misses you writing to me because when you don’t write to me apparently I’m not as happy and he has to save my butt more than is acceptable  and I don’t know it doesn’t really make sense to me because he has only saved my ‘butt’ once._

_GOD DAMMIT I HAVE TO GO PLAY BULLSHIT AGAIN!! ): < ANGRY MAKING!_

_Anyway… I hope you’re okay… and just remember…_

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

_~~~~~~~~_

_Sherlock,_

_Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am not even putting ‘Dear’ at the top now because I FUCKING HATE YOU! YOU INSENSITIVE PIECE OF SHIT! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING NOW! You are nothing, but a worm! A disgusting worm that uses people! I bet you thought to yourself, ‘oh! Finally now that John is gone I won’t have to contact him as much and then I can eventually just stop writing him and then maybe, hopefully, he’ll die out there!_

_YOU BETTER BE FUCKING DEAD SHERLOCK HOLMES BECAUSE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE! I can’t write to you and know that you are never going to write back! I don’t understand why you can’t just send me a quick letter saying, ‘hey John! It’s been fun and all, but it looks like I’m going to have to break up with you! Good luck in the war!’ and then GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! Do you realise how cruel this is? Oh wait I forgot... YOU CANT FEEL THINGS!_

_Fucking insensitive bastard!_

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

_p.s. You’re probably too stupid to understand that I haven’t gone up because you haven’t gone up so the amount of kisses I’ve been sending you has been the exact same and it will continue to be the exact same until you reply so…. Reply!_

_~~~~~~~~_

_Sherlock,_

_Why do I even keep writing you? I shouldn’t, but I do because I can’t seem to stay away. So I suppose that while I’m writing this it may be a good time to tell you that Miles is dead. He died and you’ve disappeared so now I’m alone. Thanks for that! Maybe this will make it so you actually write back to me because you will think to yourself ‘oh look at John! So alone in the world! And his only friend has died!’ actually you’ll probably just laugh. I hate you so much it isn’t even funny! You’re missing and I fucking need you! HA! I need someone that doesn’t even want to give me the time of day! But you know this time is different from the last time... last time I was a miserable little vagina that threw himself a pity party every single day! OH! But not this time! No! This time I’m full of rage, and anger, and hatred. So when I get home I’m going to strangle you for making me go through this!_

_....I would never.... I hope you know that... You probably don’t – or you don’t care, but I would never hurt you physically. Not after what happened that one time and no matter how much I hate you I would never hurt you. Well, I suppose that’s a lie... if you were to kill my first born I would hurt you – actually I would probably kill you because we all know who the serial killer is and you would be doing my job (; I can’t have that!_

_Look at that... I’m joking with you and you’re gone... it’s been ten months since I received your last letter – I just... I want to know what happened, Sherlock._

_I’m sorry._

_I love you._

_Love,_   
_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

~O~

Sherlock shoved the man up against the alleyway wall as he continued to shake and sweat, “I SAID GIVE IT TO ME!!!” He screamed and shoved him again.

The man groaned and shook his head, “I’ll give it to you if you give me the money, Sherlock! You know the rules!”

Sherlock screamed, “my brother cut me off!! I don’t have any money! Please! I’m out and I CANT STAND IT!!!”

“I know,” the man said calmly. “You’re an addict.”

Sherlock growled and punched him, “I. AM. NOT. AN. ADDICT! I could stop any time I wanted!” He snarled.

The man smirked, “come back when you have the money, Sherlock.”

Sherlock swallowed and let go of the man, his hands were shaking and his whole body was jittery. He shoved his shaking hands in his pockets and walked away to go find some money. He wasn’t an addict – he wasn’t! He was just dealing with John's death in a different way than most people...

He walked all the way home and went to Mycroft, “Mycroft...” He whispered quietly.

Mycroft was miserable... ever since John everything just fell apart, but he wouldn’t let his brother see that, “yes, Sherlock?”

“I umm– why did you cut me off...?” He shifted and rubbed his hands together. The beads of sweat started to drip down his face and his eyes were red rimmed. His breathing was shallow and he was so shaky. He felt like he was dying, but he didn’t care...

“Mm, why do you think?” He hummed and didn’t look up.

Sherlock swallowed hard, “any chance I could have some money now?” He whispered.

“Nope,” He said and still didn’t look up... it hurt too much.

“Oh...” Sherlock sighed and left.

Sherlock went to his room and tore up everything. He had to have some hidden away somewhere, but he didn’t! He couldn’t ask Brian either because Brian was broke and he wouldn’t do that to him... He swallowed hard and continued to shake and then he did something that he never thought he would do in his whole life.

_‘Father, I need money. –SH’_

The reply was almost instant.

_‘Absolutely not.’_

_‘I’ll be using the money for cocaine... a drug that is most likely to kill me eventually. –SH’_

The reply took almost five minutes, but eventually his phone buzzed.

_’Very well. I will have the money sent to your credit card immediately.’_

_‘Thank you, father. –SH’_

Sherlock grinned with happiness and ran to the nearest ATM. He pushed the card in and the money poured out of the machine. He snatched it up and then ran back to the man, “Kevin!! Kevin!” He gasped and pushed him against the wall again.

“Sherlock! For God’s sake! I need the money or you don’t get the coke!” Kevin sighed.

“NO! No!! Look! I have it!” He shoved the money in his face.

Kevin smirked and snatched the money to see if it was real. When he inspected it and was happy with it he threw the bag of cocaine at Sherlock and smiled, “have fun, Mate.”

Sherlock didn’t say anything; he just grabbed the bag and ran home as fast as he could so he could inject it into his system. This was bliss. This was his happiness.

~O~

A year passed and John hadn’t heard anything from Sherlock. He had written to him every single day after a couple of months of hearing nothing... John had written 365 letters now and he was done... he was so tired and just wanted peace. Sometimes he missed days because he was so busy, but then he would just write two letters the next day.

John was praying for Sherlock to answer him because he couldn’t figure out what he did wrong, but Sherlock never replied. Even if it was just a fucking break up letter he wouldn’t have even care at this point because at least he would have received something! John didn’t realise he had such a good memory, but apparently he did because all the letters whirled around in his head and he couldn’t get them out...

John was so lonely and so heartbroken that he knew he had to put an end to this... even if he didn’t want to he knew he had to and with time he knew that it would be better.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I’m sat on my bed thinking of all the things I could say to you. I could yell at you, or I could joke, I could pour my feelings out at you, or.... I could let go. It’s been a year. A year of writing letters to no one and I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit on my bed and write to you wondering if today is the day I will finally hear from you._

_So here we are one year and 365 unanswered letters later. I look back at your letters that you had written me and I wonder what ever happened to that Sherlock – my Sherlock. I wonder if what you said to me was even true, but then I think that I don’t care if it was. What I had with you was special – on my end anyway. I wouldn’t have traded it for the world and if I knew the outcome would be this – would always be this... well, I would choose this path again and again._

_Sherlock, you’re a manipulator... that’s just who you are and whether you manipulated me, or your brother, or the police down the street at the nearest crime scene, you always get what you want. You’re good at that and I find myself thinking if you just manipulated me into this relationship? The answer is: Probably._

_There was a time in my life when I didn’t think it was possible for us to be apart and I thought to myself every single day of us growing old together, but I don’t think that’s going to happen anymore and talking to you is just wearing me down._

_So this is me letting go, Sherlock. This is the last letter you’ll ever receive from me because I can’t do this anymore and you’re probably tired of receiving letter after letter from me in the mail. However, before I go I want to let you know that what you did to me – what you are doing is so unforgivable. I think I am the most hurt I have ever been and I have never felt so alone... When Miles died I needed you and I thought to myself that that would be the letter you would reply to... I was stupid and naive – I suppose in a way I still am, but I’ve grown a lot and I’m not going to sit around and wait for the rain that will never fall in this desert sky. Because that’s what I’m doing... waiting for you is like waiting for the rain in this desert and I just can’t do it._

_I want you to know that I forgive you – that I will always forgive you. You were my first love, Sherlock, and that means something._

_Take care, Sherlock._

_John._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could have kept going, but it got long and I rather liked that ending so yeah that's how that happened! woooo!
> 
> Just so you know that was really hard for me to write!! My babies!
> 
> God I feel so sick and I'm dying!
> 
> YO!!! LEAVE ME A FRICKING FRACKING COMMENT!! And you know subscribe and Kudos if that floats your boat!
> 
> I don't have my Laffy Taffy on my sooooooo i'm going to cheat...
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr:  
> knock knock!  
> Who is there?  
> Madame.  
> Madame, who?  
> MADAME FOOT IS STUCK IN THE DOOR!
> 
> I laughed for years.
> 
> It's so late I'm going to throw a party and drink wine coolers!
> 
> actually I'm really not I'm probably going to go read 13 Reasons Why and then go to bed.... ahahah!!
> 
> My stomach is cramping and I'm about to have a baby... it must be Jesus!!
> 
> fuuuuuccccckkkkk I need to watch Fargo... well time and a place I suppose.
> 
> Martin Freeman. 
> 
> Get in my vagina!
> 
> Actually.... jk I have esodophobia... don't do that... omfg
> 
> well, until next time bitches!!
> 
> DEUCES! 
> 
> OH WAIT I HAVE A V SERIOUS QUESTION!!
> 
> how do you put hyperlinks (or links) in your notes?!


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John moves on.... perhaps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been ages... sorry guys! but my cousin died from cancer and so I had to fly home for that and this is the third death on that side of the family in the time span of eight months and it's just.. bleh! But i'm good (: 
> 
> mwahahah I am so tired and today I had to get into a lake that was 50 degrees for five hours! Fucking lifeguard inservices! grrr.
> 
> sarjl ...... I just did a random keyboard mash and that mash reminds me of the word garlic so i'm keeping it.
> 
> enjoy the story!!!

Four years had passed. Three years of nothing. And two years of not writing anymore letters. John was almost certain he would get a thank you letter in the mail from Sherlock saying how he was glad John was going to stop annoying him with his tedious letters, but then again John supposed he didn’t read them. He probably just got them and threw them away. He sighed at the thought of that because that meant a year of writing to his former lover was wasted over nothing. John supposed he didn’t mind though because it gave him something to do with his time.

He laid on the bed thinking everything over. He did that a lot in his free time because he didn’t have anything to do... Sherlock wouldn’t write to him and he was not going to continue when it was clear that Sherlock was done and had been for three years. Miles was dead and ever since Miles died he closed himself off. It was too risky to make friends out here and he wasn’t about to experience the type of hurt and anger and hatred that he felt when Miles died... not again. He couldn’t because he honestly didn’t know if he could take that pain again.

He closed his eyes and took in the desert smell. He had grown to love the smell and the danger – the adrenaline. It was the best part and if not for any of those things he would be miserable. It had been quiet the last few weeks, but no one thought anything of it because sometimes you had your quiet spells and they were so nice and lovely. It was a good break from the constant worry and fighting that they were used to. John didn’t go out in the fields much anymore though because he was an actual doctor now. He was still learning a few things, but he knew most of it. He spent pretty much all of his time studying and doing his work while helping alongside of the actual doctors and before he knew it he had bypassed everyone his age and got his actual degree before they did. He was proud of that and he wished he could tell Sherlock of his accomplishment, but... well Sherlock wouldn’t talk to him. John just got depressed when he would write to Sherlock because he would never get a reply so he quit.

John could hear sounds in the distant of screaming and gunfire. He was half asleep though and thought he was dreaming, or perhaps he was in that stage where you hear things, but they don’t register to your brain quite yet. He hummed as the screams and gunfire grew louder and louder and then someone was coming into his tent and was screaming his name. He bolted awake and grabbed his gun, which rested on the side of the bed when he was in his room. He ran out with Gavin and saw the whole camp had been turned to riot and bloodshed. John swallowed as he realised it was in fact not a dream. He aimed his gun and started picking off the bad guys that ambushed them as he ran around covering his army mates.

John grabbed three men and they hid behind an old rusted car that had been abandoned long ago. This was where they all hung out and played cards, while drinking a can of beer, however, now it was going to be their shield.

John’s throat was burning and he didn’t know why... he could only assume that it hurt because of the screaming he was doing from behind the car, he hadn’t even realised he was screaming. He was calling out orders to other soldiers and yelling over the gunfire so that they would hear his commands. John poked his head over the car and that’s when he saw it. He swallowed hard as a first year was standing in the middle of the opened, looking like a scared cat. He yelled to the boy, but he wasn’t paying attention to him, he was just watching bullets soar by. Fuck. John watched and with each moment that passed he knew the fate was inevitable – no, he wouldn’t let that happen. This boy had a future and even though he could die later down the line, at least John would make it so he lived a bit longer, possibly long enough to outlive his time in this war, “cover me!” John screamed to Gavin as he bolted from the rusted old car and ran. He dodged the bullets as he ran across the fallen bodies and went straight for the boy.

It was like everything was moving in slow motion. He ran as fast as he could because he noticed a bullet flying right to the boy. He lunged forward and tackled the boy to the ground. John searched his body frantically for any wounds and once he was satisfied he sat back, “come on... we need–” pain shot through his left shoulder and he screamed as he fell into the desert sand. It got in his mouth and in his eyes, but he didn’t care because the pain in his shoulder was unbearable. He screamed as he brought his right hand up to his left shoulder to apply pressure and turned his head to look. His eyes widened as he saw blood coming out of his shoulder and getting everywhere. All over him, all over the boy, all over his hand, and all over the sand... the bullet that was headed for the young boy must have hit him when he tackled the boy to the ground. John kept screaming in unimaginable pain as the gunshot sounds faded, the screaming from the others subsided, someone was talking to him, but he couldn’t hear. It was like he was underwater and everything was muddled and blurry. The edges of his vision started to darken and the sounds became quieter and quieter until everything was just dark and silent.

~O~

Over the past three years Sherlock had become distant. He got together with Brian for a shag every now and again and Brian was actually living with him, but for the most part he ignored him. He knew he could because Brian was so in love with him that he would do anything for those shags and Sherlock loved that he didn’t have to work for it. They got high and had sex, but that really wasn’t say much because Sherlock was high ninety percent of the time.

He spent most of his time working on cases for Scotland Yard. Some guy named Alex Thornehall was the new DI and he would let him work on cases. Anderson was still there and Sherlock hated him, but he hated Sherlock as well so he supposed it was only fair. A new girl named Donovan had just started a couple of months ago. She and Anderson would hook up and shag despite the fact that Anderson had a wife. It made Sherlock rather sick, but then again all relationships did. Ever since John died he vowed to never let himself fall in love with another human again. The pain that he felt was worse than anything he had ever felt before, not only that, but he was still hurting and it had been three years. He had a feeling that it wasn’t going to get any better and that pained him even more. He just felt empty.

If Sherlock was being completely honest with himself he didn’t know how he was surviving... he had Rainbow and that was a good reason to live because it kept him close to John, and he had the work, but even that grew boring at times. There had been many times when Sherlock had tried to – well he didn’t want to think about that, but it had happened. There had been times when other people tried to kill him, and there were times when something much worse would almost happen. All of these, except for the first one, would happen when he was trying to buy drugs.

Sherlock sighed and shook his head as he cleared his mind of those thoughts. He would find himself thinking about John a lot and he hated it! It distracted him from the work! He hated John, he hated Brian, he hated Mycroft, he hated everything! He would have just deleted John and everything long ago, but every time he got close to doing that he stopped himself. He supposed he couldn’t let go of those memories... the memories of the only time he was actually happy.

~O~

Mycroft was sitting in his office trying to control the British Government. He had been able to work his way up quickly and now it appeared he was the head of the British Government. Sherlock liked to say he was the British Government and Mycroft would scoff and roll his eyes, but on the inside his heart swelled with pride for himself. At least this way he was able to watch Sherlock and spy on him and though he knew of Sherlock's activities, Sherlock wasn’t in immediate danger so he just let it slide.

He didn’t want to let it slide, but he didn’t have any other choice. He couldn’t blame John, however, he did for the longest time, but now he realised that this wasn’t John's fault... he did what he had to do and that just happened to have terrible consequences.

He sat there as he read the newspaper and then his mobile started to ring. He frowned slightly and picked it up, “Mycroft Holmes.”

A deep voice on the other end cleared his throat, “Mr. Holmes, we need an emergency helicopter to land in Afghanistan, a soldier has been wounded.”

Mycroft sighed because he couldn’t afford to fly home every wounded soldier! Besides the fact that they had a hospital over there, “what’s the injury?”

“Bullet in the left shoulder. He’s losing blood fast and our machinery isn’t enough to keep him alive. He needs to be in London otherwise he will die, sir.”

Mycroft shook his head, “as unfortunate as that is I can’t send a helicopter. It costs thousands of pounds and people are dying every day over there. I hardly think a shoulder wound is enough for me to send a helicopter! Furthermore, I’m not even the person you contact for this so I don’t know why–“

“Sir, please! I think you will want this soldier because he kept asking about you! I don’t know how he even knows who you are, but he wouldn’t stop saying your name!”

Mycroft raised an eyebrow, “what’s his name?”

The man blew a sigh of relief. There was still a chance of Mr. Holmes turning him down, but at least they were getting somewhere, “John. John Watson.”

Mycroft's eyes widened and then his face hardened, “you do realise it is illegal to prank call the government. Not only that, but I can trace your call and have you, and everyone else involved, arrested!” He spat.

The man on the other end blinked, “what in heavens are you talking about? John Watson is currently in our infirmary dying!”

“John Watson is dead! He’s been dead for three years!” Mycroft was heaving. How dare someone call him and tell him lies! In truth Mycroft hadn’t been the same since John died... he closed himself off just like Sherlock – only he didn’t use drugs. John had been that anchor of that family, whether they had realised this or not.

“WELL HE WILL BE IF YOU DON’T SEND A HELICOPTER!” The man shouted.

Mycroft grit his teeth, “fine! I will send a helicopter, but so help me if it is not John Watson I will make your life a living hell!”

“Umm... alright... I’ll be waiting...” He blinked and hung up the phone.

~O~

Fourteen hours later Mycroft was running into the hospital, demanding where John was being kept. He ran to the room and stood outside the door, waiting for something – anything. He didn’t want to open the door because if it wasn’t John behind those doors he didn’t know what he would do... however, if he didn’t open the door he would never know. He swallowed down his fear and slowly opened the door. He looked around the room and then to the bed. John laid on the bed with a breathing tube down his throat and a bunch of other machines hooked up to him.

Mycroft swallowed thickly as he slowly walked into the room and sat down in a chair next to the bed. “Oh, John,” he breathed. He wouldn’t tell Sherlock about this... he could be dreaming for all he knew, except for the fact that John looked older and more built than he was before. He placed a hand on John's head and ran it through John's hair as he let his mind whirl. He watched the rise and fall of John's chest just to make sure that he wasn’t going to lose him... not again.

Hours passed and it seemed that John wasn’t making any progress. He sighed, stood up, and then walked to the door. He had just placed his hand on the door knob when he heard a soft groaning sound. _John_. Mycroft swallowed and turned around as he watched John's face contort into pain. He placed his umbrella in front of him and waited.

~O~

Darkness surrounded John and he didn’t know where he was. He wandered around in the darkness and called out for someone – anyone, but no one answered. One minute he was in battlefield, feeling unimaginable pain, and the next it was darkness... John didn’t know what happened, but the only thing he could make from this was that he was dead. However, if this was what happened when you died John was very disappointed. What the hell was he supposed to do for an eternity in blackness? Maybe he was supposed to find the light before he could go to heaven... that’s what people said wasn’t it? But there was no light in this darkness and that made him a bit bitter because he most certainly did not want to be in the darkness forever!

Voices drifted into the darkness and he couldn’t make out what they were saying, or who they were, but there were voices. It felt like he had been here for only a couple of minutes, but John was almost certain it had been longer than that... and then he saw it. The light! He hummed and started walking towards it. He briefly wondered what heaven would be like and then he was completely engulfed in the light and pain shot through his body. He groaned a bit because that was most definitely not pleasant. John opened his eye slowly, groaned, and immediately shut it again. So he was in fact alive and not dead... well he supposed that that was a good thing, but still.

After a few minutes of adjusting to the light he finally opened his eyes and saw Mycroft standing there. He growled and sat up, ignoring the pain, “you!”

Mycroft frowned a bit, “you...” he whispered.

“Don’t give me that bullshit!” He snapped. He was livid that Mycroft was here because it had been three years! Three years of not hearing anything! And even though Sherlock couldn’t pick up a pencil and write a sentence down, Mycroft could!

“John... I don’t–“ He didn’t know what John was talking about, but he was in utter shock that he was sitting up on a hospital bed right here in front of him...

“You know a simple ‘Hey John, Sherlock hates you for some silly reason so you might as well just stop writing letters because I’m sick of receiving one every day.’ WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!” He winched as pain shot through him

“John... we- we thought you were dead... we didn’t get any letters from you...” He swallowed thickly and shifted.

John's heart dropped a bit and then his face hardened, “you’re lying because I sent one every day!”

“If I was lying I don’t think I would be standing here in front of you, do you?” He said a bit exasperated.

“Sherlock's not here,” John pointed out.

“I didn’t tell him! He–“ No, Mycroft wouldn’t tell John about Sherlock's problems... he would have Sherlock do that, “I didn’t want to build his hopes up just to watch them crash and burn!” He wouldn’t make it through that... “I had to make sure it was you...”

John swallowed and nodded slowly, “umm can I call him?” He whispered.

“Oh... no... I wouldn’t do that... you should give it a week.” He should probably prepare Sherlock for this...

“....no.... I want to surprise him,” He said slowly. “What’s he doing nowadays anyway?”

“He’s a detective... working for New Scotland Yard,” He sighed and walked to the bed.

“Please let me tell him...” John whispered.

Mycroft swallowed and nodded, “yeah, alright... but just wait a little bit, alright? Wait until you’re better.” He said quietly as he started writing Sherlock's number down on a sticky note that he had found in the room.

John swallowed and nodded, “yeah, I’ll wait.” He lied and forced a smile.

“Good,” Mycroft let out a breath of relief and nodded, “get some rest...” He said softly and then left the room.

John stared at the number for a long while. He wanted to be able to call Sherlock without him knowing who it was and that wouldn’t be too hard considering his voice had deepened a bit more than Sherlock would have remembered. He grabbed the number and then grabbed his mobile. John stared at the numbers for ages again before finally punching them in and dialling the number. It rang twice before a deep baritone voice rang through.

“This is Sherlock Holmes,” The voice hummed.

John's breath caught and he couldn’t seem to answer. He tried to form the words, but they all got stuck in his throat.

Sherlock growled on the other end, he was a bitter and impatient man, “hello? I’m going to hang up in three seconds! I have much better things to do!”

“No!” John gasped and swallowed, “sorry... just trying to form the words together...”

Sherlock frowned, “the words of what..?”

John panicked and swallowed hard, “I have a problem! I think– uhh– I think my wife killed my brother and I need a detective to investigate the case!”

Sherlock huffed, “that’s it?”

“Umm, yes, I just– no one believes me and I need your help... is there a time that we could meet? How about two weeks from Saturday?”

Sherlock blinked, “why so long?” There was something very fishy about this...

“Because it’s the only day I can do it... please! I’ll pay double!” He swallowed.

Sherlock sighed a long sigh, “fine, but only because I need the money! The address is 221B Baker Street, be here by noon or I won’t help you!” And with that he hung up the phone.

John smiled softly and set the phone down. Two weeks and then he would get to see Sherlock again. After five long years and everything was going to be just fine... or so he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been alive forever  
> And I wrote the very first fic  
> I put the words and the analogies together  
> I am words and I write the fics
> 
> I write the fics that make the whole world sing  
> I write the fics of love and special things  
> I write the fics that make the young girls cry  
> I write the fics, I write the fics
> 
> sorry... I may be a tad obsessed with this song at the moment and it's playing currently... so like I fixed it up a bit to fit... ahahahhah! for anyone out there wondering it's I Write The Songs by Barry Manilow
> 
> except for the fact that I wrote this two days ago so really i'm not listening to that song right now...
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr:  
> Question one:  
> Do you know what Mary had when she went to dinner? ((OMFG THIS IS PERFECT BECAUSE MARY MORSTAN MWAHAH?? OH YOU LAFFY TAFFY WRAPPER YOU!! I havent looked at the answer yet, but i'm going to say lamb because you know "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb... blah blah blah"))  
> Answer:  
> Everybody knows Mary had a little lamb. ((BABAM MOTHER FUCKERS I'M SO GOOD!))
> 
> Number two because there are two jokes on my cherry Laffy Taffy!  
> Question two:  
> What did the Penny say to the other Penny? ((Again I havent looked at the answer, but i'm going to say See you on the flip side?))  
> Answer:  
> Let's get together and make some sense. ((OMFG I WAS SO WRONG BUT NOW I AM DYING OF LAUGHTER!!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!))
> 
> GOD I HAVE THE WORST HEADACHE! hELP ME!!!! ;-;
> 
> ALRIGHT WELL YOU KNOW THE DEAL, COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE, KUDOS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.... 
> 
> TILL NEXT TIME, BITCHES!
> 
> DEUCES!


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally meet again! awww

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOu want to know fucking what!!! My computer is fucking broken and I can't fix it!! It's new and it's having so many fucking problems!!
> 
> yOURE PROBABLY THINKING But whitney! How did you write this!!
> 
> BECAUSE I USED MY OLD COMPUTER AND THERE ARE POP UPS EVERYWHERE AND IT BARELY WORKS BUT RIGHT NOW IT WORKS BETTER THAN THE BROKEN ONE SO BE HAPPY!
> 
> now onto the story that I SLAVED OVER

Once John was released from the hospital he spent a lot of time in physical therapy. He didn’t want any permanent damage to come to his shoulder, but he knew that that was wishful thinking. Still, his therapist said that he could get to a point where it would only ache sometimes and John would take that over his shoulder hurting all the time. He had a week before he met Sherlock and he wanted to look his best… he didn’t know why because Sherlock would probably hate him, but John didn’t do anything wrong so that was a bit unfair. However, at the same time he knew how Sherlock was.

John had changed so much in those four years of being away. He was more built and he was a lot more responsible and grown up. His voice was deeper and he didn’t look like a teenager anymore because he wasn’t. He wondered how different Sherlock would look. He sighed and shook his head, he found himself thinking about this a lot and it rather annoyed him.

By the end of the week John's shoulder still hurt, but it was slowly getting better. Some days were better than others and today was a good day because he got to see Sherlock. He looked down at the address Sherlock had given him for the millionth time. He looked at it when he was nervous or thinking, he looked at it so much that he had it memorised – although it was only three numbers, one letter, and two words so it wasn’t that hard to memorise. He swallowed thickly as he walked up the one step and slowly knocked on the door.

An older woman answered and she smiled brightly, “Oh! You must be a client!” She hummed happily. “He’s upstairs. Just walk in and keep in mind that if he yells at you it’s with good intention. Poor boy has been through so much.” She sighed. She didn’t know why she was telling John this, but he looked like a nice man and she didn’t want him to run out like most of Sherlock’s clients did. Sherlock was unbearable when a client ran out on him and since there was no one around Mrs. Hudson was the one to get an ear full.

John swallowed thickly and looked down briefly before nodding and going up the stairs. He pushed the door opened once he climbed the seventeen steps. He frowned a bit when he didn’t see anybody, but then he realised that Sherlock had turned his chair to face the wall so that when he sat down in it his back was to the door.

John swallowed and looked at the back of the chair and at the top of Sherlock’s head. It was still as curly as ever and he smiled a bit. The chair looked completely out a place sitting in the middle of the floor like that so he briefly wondered if Sherlock was just trying to be dramatic.

Sherlock sighed and glared at the wall a bit as he pet Rainbow, “Twelve o’ one.” He growled. “I said if you were one minute late I wouldn’t take you and here you are one. Minute. Late.”

John swallowed, “Sorry... the tube was really crowded and I don’t have enough money to take a cab everywhere...” He whispered.

Sherlock sighed a long and suffering sigh. He honestly hated people and he was so bitter about everything. He didn’t care about life anymore... not since John died. He didn’t even know why he continued to live if he was being honest with himself. He figured it was because he would rather feel the pain of depression than to be gone completely and find the easy way out. However, that didn’t stop him from trying on several occasions. Sometimes he wished he had never met the bastard.  “Fine, but I just want you to know that your case is incredibly dull and I’m only taking it for the money.” He huffed and stood up, but wouldn’t turn around. He walked over to the window and peered out of it.

John swallowed a bit and looked at the cat before looking up at the back of Sherlock’s head, “well... I made it up... it’s not true. So do I still have to pay you?” He swallowed some and looked down.

Sherlock frowned slightly, “Now why on earth would you–“ He finally turned around and just froze. This wasn’t possible and he felt his knees go weak and his heart stuttered. He shook his head once and blinked a bit because surely this was the drugs and not his actual sight. Maybe he had taken too much? The drugs never messed with his sight!

John swallowed a bit, “Because I wanted to see you...” He breathed. “God, you look – well you look amazing... You actually grew into your features and don’t look like such a child anymore.” He smirked slightly.

Sherlock was feeling so many things he didn’t know how to express them. He growled a bit and jutted his jaw forward, “You- What the actual fuck! You just left me!”

John swallowed and shook his head, “No... I wrote you every day for a year... you never responded... I thought you left me.” He narrowed his eyes, but then just looked down. He wanted to be mad with Sherlock, but seeing him here standing in front of him he couldn’t be mad and that terrified him.

Sherlock glared at him and growled some more, “THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE DEAD! Do you have any idea what _you_ put me through!”

John swallowed and tried to step forward, but Sherlock took a step back, “Maybe I should go make tea...” He wanted to yell back because Sherlock had no idea what _he_ had been through! At least Sherlock thought something! John was left with nothing and he didn’t know if Sherlock had died or if he had just stopped wanting to talk to John. He didn’t know if he was kidnapped or if John had angered him. John literally knew nothing and John thought that that was much worse than thinking your lover was dead.

Sherlock nodded slightly and then his eyes widened and he ran to the kitchen. He started grabbing things and shoving them in a box. He panicked because John would most certainly not approve of his current life style and Sherlock didn’t want to tell him. He would keep it a secret because that’s what he did best.

John frowned slightly and walked towards the kitchen, but Sherlock growled, “Don’t come in here! I’m obviously busy!” He snapped and John froze slightly because this was not the Sherlock he remembered... not the Sherlock he remembered at all. He didn’t like this Sherlock and he didn’t know why Sherlock was being so mean.

Sherlock grabbed the baggies of white powder and weed. He grabbed the syringes and the small pipes and everything he could manage and stuffed them in his box and put them in the cupboard for now. He would hide them better later. He swallowed and then walked back out to John, who was looking rather annoyed. He sighed and stepped closer, “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’m just – I can’t believe you’re really here.” He whispered quietly, “I thought you were dead...”

John swallowed and nodded slowly, “Well, I thought you hated me...”

Sherlock let out a sad breathy laugh and stepped forward a bit more, “I’m so incredibly angry with you.” He growled slightly.

John looked up at him and nodded, “Good because I’m so incredibly angry with you.” He stepped forward and gently shoved Sherlock. Sherlock... His Sherlock... He was touching him and he was real, here, in front of him. “Did you ever... well you know... find a boy–“

Before John could even finish that sentence Sherlock lunged forward and attacked his mouth with his own. He couldn’t let John know about Brian and the best way to shut John up was to kiss him. He growled slightly and brought the back of his hand up to cup John’s head. He kept pushing John lightly as they walked into the middle of the room. He didn’t know where he was taking John, but it didn’t matter because John tripped over Rainbow and then both of them were falling to the ground. Rainbow hissed at John and bit his ankle before scampering away and Sherlock laughed slightly, “Sorry... he doesn’t like people.”

John huffed and rolled his eyes, “I noticed.” He said with a slight grin.

Sherlock smirked and then leaned in to kiss John again. This time the kiss was heated and hands were everywhere. John groaned slightly and Sherlock frowned a bit because it sounded like he was in pain, but there was also pleasure entwined with it. He looked him over real quick and then swallowed when he realised John had been shot. Sherlock slowed down his movements just a tad and then went down his body. He didn’t care if John had just walked into his flat because he wanted him. He quickly undid John’s button and fly to his trousers and then quickly pulled him out as he moved the fabric down to his thighs, “I’ve missed you so much.” He breathed slightly as he gave him a few tugs and then his mouth was surrounding John.

John swore out loud and pushed his hands into Sherlock's hair. Sherlock had swallowed him in one go and he was much more experienced than John had remembered. That should have probably worried John, but at the moment he was feeling so many things that that little fact didn’t even cross his mind. He was groaning loudly and tugging on Sherlock's hair – God, that hair! He had missed it so much. When he was with Sherlock before he liked his hair, but he never really thought anything of it. Now, all he wanted to do was hang onto that hair and never let go. Sherlock hummed around him and he squeezed his eyes shut and whimpered. Everything felt so good and so perfect and Sherlock was amazing at this, but it didn’t matter! Nothing did because he had Sherlock with him now.

Sherlock wanted to cry and that was really tedious because he currently had his mouth full. He wanted to cry because he finally had John here with him and it felt so amazing and so _right_. It felt nothing like how it did when he was with Brian and he wanted it to last forever. He kept moving his head up and down and swirling his tongue around the top, but then his mobile beeped and he pulled off of John completely to look at it. He sighed a bit and stood up. “Sorry, but I must go.” He walked over to the coat stand to put on his coat and scarf. “Make yourself at home and I probably won’t be home until late – if at all. It was good to see you again, John.” He hummed slightly and then he was running out the door.

John blinked a bit and just stared as his erection wilted. He didn’t understand what was happening and he didn’t understand why Sherlock had just sucked him and then randomly left in the middle of it! They hadn’t seen each other in four fucking years and this was the welcome home he got? John felt like he had just been slapped in the face. He slowly got up, tucked himself in, and then left. He didn’t want to be there without Sherlock – hell, he didn’t want to be anywhere without Sherlock, but if this was the new Sherlock… if this was what Sherlock had become then maybe he was better off being alone. Maybe he didn’t want to be with Sherlock at all. He sighed and then shook his head as he left the flat. His heart felt heavy and he wanted to cry, but he was able to hold it together until he found a movie to watch, a tub of ice cream to eat, and a hotel room to stay in.

~O~

John ate the ice cream right out of the tub as he watched The Notebook. He was a sobbing mess because Sherlock had just practically ripped his heart out of his chest and The Notebook was a rather sad movie. It was also one of his favourites and he hadn’t seen it in four years. John felt like a teenage girl and the thought made him feel rather ill, but he couldn’t help it… he just wanted to eat ice cream and wallow in sadness as he watched his favourite movie.

John’s mobile rang and he growled with the spoon in his mouth. He wouldn’t answer the bloody thing because he didn’t want to be disturbed, but it kept ringing. He growled more and picked it up, “WHAT!”

Sherlock flinched on the other end and swallowed, “I just thought you would still be here… where did you go….”

“Are you an idiot? You half suck me off, don’t even finish mind you, and then you just randomly get up and leave and expect me to _stay?!_ ” He growled and paused his movie.

“I didn’t randomly leave, John!! I had a case!” He huffed and rolled his eyes.

John laughed bitterly and it sounded all watery, “Great… glad to know a bloody case is better than your boyfriend!”

Sherlock swallowed, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

John was silent for a long time. He didn’t know what to say and those five words cut him so deep. “Guess I was mistaken then…”

Sherlock swallowed and shook his head, “Where are you…?”

“Ha! Like hell I’m going to tell you!” He choked on a sob and he was so angry – so angry that his emotions were getting the best of him.

Sherlock closed his eyes and shifted a bit, “I didn’t mean it…” He whispered, “I’m sorry… I’m just– I’m so used to having to say you’re dead and I’m so scared John… I’m so scared that this is all some horrible nightmare and that I’m going to wake up cold and alone because you really are dead. You said you wrote me letters for a year, but how am I supposed to believe you? I can’t! I didn’t receive a single one! And I don’t know if I can ever forgive you… and I know it’s not your fault John, but what happened, happened and I can’t for the life of me come anywhere close to forgetting about it.” He swallowed hard, but he didn’t even feel the need to cry because this wasn’t real. None of this was real. This was a dream he had over and over again. He was done with it.

John was silent for a long time because Sherlock's words just made him cry more. He didn’t understand why this was happening to them, but it was and they had to get through it. John would make sure they would get through it. “I’m staying at the hotel down the street, room 323… come see me. I don’t care if you don’t want to just come see me for two hours. I’ll put on The Notebook like I promised in my letters that I would and I will hold you in my arms as we watch the movie. Then after you can leave, or you can stay, but ultimately the decision comes down to you, Sherlock.”

Sherlock growled and looked down at the ground. He swallowed thickly and thought about things in his head. If this was a dream he would want to savour the time he had with John and he wouldn’t want it to become an awful nightmare where he told John no and stayed behind. He had those dreams before and he always woke up feeling empty. However, he woke up feeling empty when he did go see John so Sherlock supposed it was a lose, lose situation. “Fine... I’ll be over in a few minutes.” He missed John so much he wasn’t going to pass this opportunity by him.

~O~

Sherlock came over and had sat next to John as they ate ice cream and watched the movie. John didn’t hold him like he said he would, but Sherlock didn’t mind. By the end of it Sherlock was sobbing, but somehow John managed to keep it together. He wondered if it was because he felt like he couldn’t cry in front of Sherlock because he needed to stay strong for him or because he had cried so much he just didn’t have anything else left in him. He wanted to believe it was the former, but John was pretty sure it was the latter option and that made him feel pathetic. He looked at Sherlock once the credits started rolling and swallowed.

Sherlock stared numbly at the screen and then looked down into his lap, “This isn’t a dream... is it?”

John swallowed and shook his head, “No, it’s not.” He whispered and set the ice cream tub on the nightstand.

Sherlock nodded slowly and wiped off the tears that were on his cheeks. “I’m sorry... I’m not usually this emotional...”

John laughed a breathy laugh, “I know... I did date you for a year.” He smirked slightly.

Sherlock smiled sadly and nodded, “You know... Technically we never broke up.” He whispered and slowly grabbed his hand. “It will be hard for me to get used to having you back in my life and sometimes I might get really angry with you, but I would really like it if we continued what we had before you left.”

John swallowed and nodded slowly, “I would like that too, Sherlock, I really would.” He whispered.

“So... will you come back to my flat...? I would say you could have the upstairs room so that we aren’t sharing one, but... it’s occupied...” He swallowed.

John blinked slightly, “Oh... I didn’t know you had a flatmate...”

“Yeah, it’s Brian...” He cleared his throat.

“Brian.... the one that..... loves you?” He swallowed, “Sherlock I don’t really think that that’s a good idea I mean... unless you two have–“

“No! Of course we haven’t had sex or anything! I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that with someone who wasn’t you!” He smiled a bit. He wouldn’t let John find out. That would hurt him too much and he wouldn’t let John get hurt anymore.

John let out a sigh of relief, “I mean you thought I was dead so I guess I wouldn’t be able to blame you if you did, but.... thank you.” He whispered.

Sherlock smiled and kissed his forehead, “Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit... it smells like pee right now... who the fuck peed in my room... it wasnt me I can tell you that.
> 
> i dont feel good and i think my insides are failing me... fuck i dont even care about grammar or spelling right now.
> 
> i usually have a lot of awesome things to say because i'm awesome but i'm currently dying.
> 
> also i ate all the laffy taffy and its fucking hard to search the web with all the pop ups so i'm skipping joke of the chapter this chapter... sorry babe!
> 
> UNTIL NEXT TIME BITCHES
> 
> DEUCES


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John try and salvage their relationship... those little shits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okkkkkaaaaayyyyyy motherfuckers! so normally it wouldn't be up this fast because I have been super busy, but I found time to get this to you by July 1st. Wanna know why? no.. WELL TOO BAD!!!!!! 
> 
> today happens to be........ REDPANTS221B'S BIRTHDAY!!!
> 
> redpants221b is a cute little individual who comments on the majority of my chapters. This person loves my work and they asked me to give them a new chapter as an update... sure they were probs joking slash didn't think it would actually happen, but let me tell you this IT DID!!
> 
> REDPANTS221B I HOPE YOUR BIRTHDAY WAS BRILLIANTLY FANTASTIC!!! (and though I dont know who you are or where you live or how old you turned....) I AM GIVING YOU THIS AS MY PRESENT! happy birthday, boo!!!
> 
> also... fuck me sideways if you happen to live in London where it is no longer the first I will cry forever because I tried so hard, but I had things to do today.... if it is any consolation it is only 6:30 PM here so it's still your birthday where I live!
> 
> enjoy the chapter bitches!

A couple of weeks passed and John was trying... he was really trying, but Brian was insufferable and if John tried to talk to Sherlock about it he just ignored him or told him not to worry. John didn’t understand why Sherlock wouldn’t listen to him and that hurt him a bit, but he supposed he would have to earn Sherlock’s trust back.

The worst part about it was that Brian was smart. He acted like the sweetest guy when Sherlock was around, but the second Sherlock was gone he would turn cold and evil. John realised evil was a strong word, but he didn’t know what else to call it! Sherlock and John would be in the middle of snogging heatedly, while stripping their clothes. They would get down to their pants and John wanted Sherlock so badly. He hadn’t properly had Sherlock in years, but right before they got to the good part Brian walked in and would act embarrassed. He would stumble out an apology then leave. That was fine and good, except for the fact that after that happened Sherlock wasn’t in the mood anymore and John didn’t understand why!

There was something off between the two of them, but for the life of John he couldn’t figure out what. That made him a bit upset and with Brian’s constant abuse, Sherlock’s rudeness, and everything else... John was slowly breaking.

He walked into the kitchen with just pants on and smirked. Sherlock was doing something on his microscope and he looked stunning. He walked over to Sherlock and wrapped both of his arms around Sherlock’s waist while he kissed his neck softly, “Hi.” He hummed as he continued to kiss the taller boys neck.

Sherlock sighed and stopped what he was doing, “Can we not do that?”

John frowned a bit and stopped kissing his neck, but didn’t pull away. “Why..? We haven’t had sex in years and Brian isn’t home right now... I want you...” He swallowed.

“That is untrue. I gave you a blow job two weeks ago.” He narrowed his eyes and pushed John away a bit as he returned to his microscope.

“You didn’t even finish!” John sighed, exasperated. “I think the whole meaning of a blow job is for me to actually have an orgasm!” He grumbled.

Sherlock rolled his eyes, “Wow. Are you always this whiny? Go away. I’m busy.”

John just blinked at him and then growled, “Fuck you! I haven’t seen you in four years and you just push me away. You know our relationship isn’t what it used to be and I don’t think I can do it anymore.” He huffed.

“Well, whose fault is that? You should have written to me.” He hummed.

“For God’s– I DID WRITE TO YOU SHERLOCK!!” He screamed and tugged at his hair.

“Letters don’t just disappear, John, so obviously you didn’t.” He growled and then turned and looked at him.

John blinked a bit and then narrowed his eyes, “Is that what this is about? You could have picked up a fucking pen and piece of paper, you know!”

He rolled his eyes, “YOU WERE DEAD! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? WRITE TO YOUR GHOST!”

John growled, “BUT I WASN’T!” He screamed back. “Why can’t you just let it go, Sherlock!!? What’s done is done and I can’t change the past! REMEMBER THAT!”

“Nope,” He shook his head. “Do not go blaming this on me. They told me you died and I was not about to write to someone that couldn’t write back to me!”

John screamed and tugged at his hair some more, “WHO? Who the fuck would tell you something like that?”

Sherlock swallowed and looked down, “My father...” He whispered.

“And you believed him?” John choked out and shook his head.

Sherlock growled, “Well what was I supposed to do? Do you know when the fuck he told me? ON MY BIRTHDAY! MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!! That day was the worst day of my life! And now I hate my birthdays! Most people look forward to them, but mine make me want to die!”

John swallowed, “It doesn’t have to be like that! I’m here now... it will be okay...”

“Oh, fuck you! Why don’t you go running into Miles’ arms and leave me alone?”

John froze for a second and his face hardened, “He’s fucking dead, you bastard!” He spat in a cold voice that sounded nothing like John. He glared at Sherlock for a second and then stormed out of the flat.

Sherlock was left standing there in complete shock. What the fuck did he just do?

~O~

John ended up at Sherlock’s old house with a tear stained, red face. He sniffled and knocked on the door. He didn’t even know who lived here, but he was hoping it was Mycroft or Lily. He was hurt and angry and he knew that Sherlock didn’t know about Miles, but nothing was the same and he didn’t know how to fix this... He needed someone to cry with and he needed revenge.

Mycroft opened the door and blinked a bit, “John..? You– You’re in your pants...”

“Where. Is. He?” He spat and wiped off his wet face with the back of his hand. He didn’t care that he was practically naked! He didn’t care that his scar was ugly and showing out in the opened! He couldn’t stand to be in that flat any second longer!

Mycroft frowned slightly, “Who? Sherlock? He should be back at the flat... where you should be so that you can get dressed..!”

He jerked his head to the side, “Not him, Mycroft! Don’t play stupid.”

Mycroft swallowed and looked down slightly, “We’re trying to find him, John, but he is hidden...”

“BULLSHIT!” He screamed. He was practically shaking with anger.

Mycroft sighed, “We have a couple of ideas, but that’s all... they’re just ideas.”

John pushed passed Mycroft and walked into the house. He went to the kitchen and saw the maps scattered everywhere. So he really was working... he sat down and got to work. Mycroft tried to stop him, but John was having none of it. He wasn’t going to listen! He needed to do this and he would find that man. So Mycroft sighed and brought him clothes and the two of them worked on trying to find Sigar Holmes.

~O~

They searched for hours and finally Mycroft got a text. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, “Found him. He’s staying in a motel...”

“Give me the address and a gun.” He growled and stood up.

Mycroft hesitated, “John... I don’t want you to commit murder...”

“GIVE ME WHAT I FUCKING ASKED FOR!” He screamed.

“Fine... but calm down first and then you can have it...”

John nodded and closed his eyes; he counted to ten, and then looked at Mycroft, “Alright. I’m calm.”

Mycroft swallowed and gave him a gun and the address, “Go get him... and if you do end up... well, killing him for your own protection... I’ll make sure you don’t serve time for this.”

John looked at Mycroft and swallowed hard. He slowly took the two items and nodded. He wished it was his own gun, but that was at the flat and he was not going back there! “Thank you...” He whispered quietly.

He sighed, “What he did to my brother was not okay... go get him.” He whispered and threw a pair of keys at John.

John smiled softly as he caught the keys and then ran out of the house.

~O~

John parked the car and walked into the motel. He walked past the front desk and went down the hall. He decided to use the stairs because he would be able to avoid the cameras better. He got to the first floor and found room 134. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes he tried the handle and surprisingly it was unlocked. He frowned a bit and then pushed inside, aiming his gun in front of him... just waiting to pull the trigger, but before he got the chance to even register things he heard a low, dark laugh coming from the corner of the room. He swallowed and flicked on the lights.

“Glad you could show up, John.” Sigar hummed from the corner. He was sitting in one of the chairs that the motel room provided.

He blinked a bit, “You knew I was coming..?” He tightened his grip on the gun a tad.

“Of course I knew you were coming!” He rolled his eyes, “I let them find me because the second I heard you were looking for me I wanted you to come. I knew you would and so now here we are.” He smiled brightly, “Didn’t you just love the birthday present I gave to Sherlock?”

John growled and cocked the gun.

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. I know things that you should probably know before you pull that trigger.” He hummed and sat back. He watched as John walked closer to him.

“Where are they? What did you do with the letters? Because I know for a fact you were the one who made sure Sherlock wouldn’t be receiving any.”

He rolled his eyes, “Of course that would be the only thing you came for. They‘re under the mattress.”

John kept the gun pointed on the man as he walked over to the mattress. He dropped down to his knees and lifted it up. Sure enough the letters were all under there. There were about fifteen piles of letters stacked together with a rubber band holding them in place. He frowned slightly, “You didn’t read them...”

Sigar sighed and shook his head, “Despite what people think I do have some form of respect. I knew that you would hurt with him not writing you back and I knew each letter would get more and more personal. That’s private... so, no, I didn’t read them.”

He blinked a bit, “The fuck happened to you..?”

“Nothing! I just didn’t want to read them out of respect, plus the fact that I didn’t really care about you.” He huffed a bit.

“If you had read those letters you could have seen how much pain I was in...” He frowned slightly, “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“God, you’re annoying, and I will never get what he sees in you. I just said I didn’t care about you! I wanted to see _him_ break, not you! And I got that!”

John screamed and then pointed the gun at him again, “You’re sick! He’s your son!”

“Yes... so he is, but I just hate him so much. It’s rather tedious actually.” He grumbled. “You know I still pay for his coca–“

“WHY! What did he do that was so bad that you hate him?” He screamed. He was shaking and he just didn’t understand anything. He didn’t understand a lot of things lately and it made him angry.

He sighed, “He was born. That’s what he did. I didn’t want another child because Mycroft was perfect, but then his fucking mother told me she was on birth control when she wasn’t. So, she got pregnant! I’ve hated him ever since!”

“But it wasn’t his fault! He was just a baby! If anything it was yours for not wearing a fucking rubber!” He snapped.

“Oh please.” Sigar rolled his eyes and then smirked, “You know you and Sherlock won’t last?” He hummed. “He’s slipping away from you, isn’t he?”

“Stop. That’s none of your business...” John swallowed.

“Mmm, I think it is. You think the letters are your last chance to try and save your relationship. Newsflash, John Watson, but I destroyed it. I know my son and I know that he’s never going to forgive you, even though you weren’t the one who did it.” He smirked.

“I SAID STOP!” He screamed and his finger twitched over the trigger.

“Are you going to kill me now? I would actually sort of like it if you did. You see... I’m done here.” He swallowed and shook his head, his face falling a bit and hardening into bitter rage.

John blinked slightly, “You’re upset... Why?” When Sigar didn’t reply he decided to push more, “You regret your life choices and now you realise that I’m not going to leave this room without putting a bullet through your brain.”

“You’re an idiot!” He groaned. “That’s not why I’m upset. You know what you are? You think that you’re going to make something of yourself, but really you’re just going to be normal – simple. Sherlock is going to end up leaving you, you won’t have the war, you won’t have any family, and you’re going to start to break. You’ll become a shell of a man. Do you want to know why? Because you’re pathetic.” He growled.

John stood tall and then shot him right in the stomach, “I said shut up.” He growled in a low voice, his Captain John Watson voice, “If you think Sherlock controls my life– if you think I would let him control _me!_ You have another thing coming! I could leave him anytime I wanted to and I would be fine!”

Sigar groaned out in pain and closed his eyes a bit, “You say that now, but I don’t believe that at all and I don’t think that you do either.”

John swallowed because he didn’t... he didn’t know what the future held for him and Sherlock and that made him very upset. He wanted to stay with him, but he had a feeling that that wasn’t going to happen and he knew that if Sherlock chose to leave him – well, he didn’t think he would be able to continue on and that made him feel rather pathetic. He shook his head to clear the terrible thought and then held the gun out right in front of him again.

Sigar just smirked at him, “I know something you don’t!!” He sung darkly, despite the fact that he had a hole in his stomach.

John growled and cocked the gun again.

“Oh, I wouldn’t kill me just yet if I were you.” He hummed, “I mean... I am probably going to die in a matter of minutes anyway, but if you kill me now you’ll never know.” He snickered and then coughed up some blood.

“Never know what?” He growled a tad.

“Never know the secret...” He whispered loudly and closed his eyes. “Oh, it’s going to break Sherlock.” Sigar laughed and smiled, showing his bloody teeth. “My last gift to him... only this time it isn’t a lie.”

John swallowed and narrowed his eyes, “What? What will break him?”

Sigar could feel himself slipping. He groaned softly and closed his eyes, “Since I won’t be able to do it you must pass on a message for me.” He hummed.

“For God’s sake! What is it?” He groaned slightly because this was getting rather tiresome.

Sigar swallowed and jerked his head to the side a bit. He then smirked and looked right into John’s eyes as he started laughing, “Lily has cancer, John. She’s going to _die_. Just like me.” He sung and then laughed weakly.

John’s whole world came crashing down and he shook his head, “No, you’re lying... Why should I trust you?”

“Well, whether you do or not isn’t my problem, but she’s dying and Sherlock doesn’t know. So now you get to tell him.” He smirked and laughed more.

John screamed and then shot the man four times, three times in the chest and then once right in the middle of the forehead. He was done with Sigar Holmes and he was so angry. He was shaking with rage and hurt because Lily was dying... someone he looked up to as a mother was slowly slipping away and there wasn’t anything he could do about it, but not only that... now he had to go and break the news to Sherlock! Someone he didn’t even want to see at the moment. He stared at Sigar’s body for what seemed like hours, but eventually he stood up, grabbed the letters and put them into a box he found, sent Mycroft a text, and then left.

~O~

Sherlock ended up leaving the flat soon after John. He wasn’t trying to find John, but he figured if John came home he would want to be alone. He looked down as he walked through the park and then after a while sat on a bench. He had hurt John... badly. Sherlock couldn’t remember a time when John’s face had looked like that or when his voice sounded so broken.

He didn’t even mean it and that was the worst part. He had just been so angry lately because it didn’t make any sense. John said he had written to him, but Sherlock received nothing! He checked the mailbox every day despite himself, and every time he opened the mailbox and didn’t see a letter, he just fell deeper into depression.

Sherlock had been trying so hard to forgive John, but he just felt guilt. He was lying to John about the drugs, and about Brian, and the longer he went about lying the worse he felt. Slowly, he was trying to stop using the drugs, but he knew he couldn’t stop cold turkey. He was getting better though and was taking much less than he was when John first walked into his flat. He was making progress and that’s all he cared about.

Hours went by and Sherlock was cold and tired. He sighed, stood up, and then started walking back to the flat. He knew that there was a chance that John would be there, but if he was there Sherlock would apologise. He would try and fix this and then they could get on with their life. He opened the door to 221B and walked inside. The flat was unusually silent and he sighed, John had obviously not come home. Maybe he never would.

Brian was also away for the week so he was completely alone. He walked into the kitchen to make tea and shoot up a bit when he frowned. On the table was a box filled with letters and a note lying on top of it. He walked over to the box and slowly picked up the note.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I found the bloody letters. Your father had made it so they couldn’t be reached to you. I took care of your father and I got the letters back. I am so angry with you right now, but I can look passed that. Read the letter, if you want, and then text me when you are done. I imagine you would like to be alone for this._

_Love,  
John. _

Sherlock’s breath hitched a bit and he looked into the box. Sure enough there was letter after letter after letter, a year’s supply it seemed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he reached into the box and grabbed the first letter. He probably should have read them in order, but he couldn’t be bothered to sift through them. Rainbow trotted over to him and meowed quietly. Sherlock sat down and slowly opened the letter as Rainbow jumped into his lap.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Fifty days since I’ve heard from you... you know I could be mad about it, but I know you’ll get to me eventually. Plus, it’s impossible for me to be mad right now because I just won the jackpot! Mwhahaha!! We played a game and everybody put in a couple of pounds and I managed to win it! I mean I didn’t win tons of money... only about eighty-nine pounds, but it’s just the fact that I won something! Hehe._

_Anyway what have you been up to? I actually hope you are alright and I know I have yelled at you in my previous letters, but right now I’m worried sick. Please just write back to me and tell me you’re okay. Or something... I don’t really know._

_Miles keeps trying to read what I’m writing and I’m about to punch him! The bastard that he is (; He is rather annoying I’ll give him that, but he’s what’s keeping me alive so you should thank him for that when you see him. And you will see him because I’m not letting you not see him. That didn’t really make any sense, but Miles keeps poking me and it’s super late here!_

_I’ll send you another letter tomorrow, okay?_

_I love you._

_Love,  
John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: _

_p.s. if I didn’t freeze my kisses for you I would totally be winning this war right now! Too bad you’re dating such a nice guy (; well too bad for me... not for you... ha! You lucky bastard (: < _

Sherlock laughed sadly and swallowed. He felt like crying, but this was only the first letter of 365... So he would wait. He put his hand in the box again and pulled out another letter.

_Sherlock,_

_You fucking bastard! Why the fuck am I even still writing to you? Oh! That’s right! Silly me, how could I forget? It’s because it’s gotten to the point where you control my life. How does that make you feel? I bet it makes you feel all high and mighty? Tell me, Sherlock, do you actually read these letters, or do you just throw them out as soon as you get them?_

_I’m trying to decide what would be worse. If you read them that means you’re probably laughing at my pain and get the satisfaction of not writing me back, but if you just throw them away then you wouldn’t even know how badly you are hurting me. Truthfully, I hope that you don’t read these at all because I feel like that would hurt less._

_Maybe you’re dead. Or maybe someone kidnapped you, but if that’s the case I’m rather peeved with Mycroft for not telling me. Hell, maybe you all died. That would be a shame, but at the moment I couldn’t even care! I’m actually hoping you’re dead because that means you can’t physically write back to me and I can forgive you!_

_The worse part about all of this, though, is that if you were to write back tomorrow, even though it has been 348 days, I would still forgive you, because I will always forgive you._

_Bastard._

_John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *:_

Sherlock’s breath hitched a bit as he noticed the fact that there was no ‘Dear’ or ‘Love’ or even an ‘I love you.’ However, there were still the twenty-six kisses and that made Sherlock’s heart ache. He continued to read letter after letter until he got down to the bottom of the box. There was one letter left and he was already a sobbing mess. 32 letters. 32 letters was all it took for him to break down. In a way he was proud of himself because he wanted to breakdown at letter 1, but he managed to tough it out until letter 32. He slowly opened the envelope and swallowed.

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Today, I tried to kill myself. That’s how long it took. 97 days. Just 97. I feel so pathetic and depressed and I tried to take my life. You know what that feels like, don’t you? The worst part is... I’m too much of a fuck up that I couldn’t even do a proper job. I’m in a place, surrounded by guns and war and fighting and I couldn’t even kill myself. It’s for the better I suppose._

_You’re speech kept playing over and over and over again in my head. Don’t let them win. But really... who is going to win? I’ve already lost you and you’re the only family I have. I have Miles, sure, but he isn’t my family, Sherlock... please. Please Sherlock. It hurts so badly... and I can’t do this anymore. Please come back to me._

_I love you. So much._

_Love,  
John. *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: *: _

Sherlock fell to the floor and choked on a sob as he clutched the paper tightly to his chest. Everything hurt and knowing that he almost lost John for good practically killed him, after a long time he slowly grabbed his mobile and swallowed.

_I’ve read them all. Please come home. -SH_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwwwwwww see we are getting somewhere... very very slowly... ha!
> 
> hmm I dont have any more laffy taffy's but i still want to do joke of the chapter... grrrrrr
> 
> okayyyyy i'll do one everyone knows..
> 
> what's brown and sticky?  
> A STICK!!! AHAHAHAHAHAH IM SO FUCKING FUNNY! SUCK IT!
> 
> the fuck am i even doing with my life?
> 
> i just started an online math class today and im terrified... shit i need to go work on that now... okay byyyyeeeeee
> 
> until next time bitches.
> 
> DEUCES!


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John try to fix things and why do I even try at Summary's....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOD YOU GUYS IM GOING TO THROW MY FUCKING COMPUTER OUT OF THE WINDOW!!! I HAVE TWO LAPTOPS AND THEY ARE BOTH BROKEN AND IT HAS LITERALLY TAKEN ME THREE HOURS TO TRY AND POST THIS BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY POP UPS AND ITS REDIRECTING ME PLACES AND IM GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM!!!
> 
> In other news it has also taken so long because I moved states.... again... yep!! i'm back in utah bitches!!! my fucking twat of an aunt fired me and kicked me out of her house (in a state where i had no family besides my aunt an uncle) all because i didnt fold her laundry right... however if you ask me i think she just wanted an excuse to throw me out all along... she told my mom untrue shit about me... AND SHE FUCKING DELETED ALL OF MY RECORDINGS!!!! i would have deleted hers but she would have killed me... im not even joking you... like she hates this side of my family so im actually honestly surprised she had me come out in the first place....
> 
> also i got a new job... at........ walmart..... XD where i work eight hours and thirty minutes five days a week! So i'm very busy, but im also trying to get these to you as quick as i can!! i hope you understand!! 
> 
> SEE YOU AT THE BOTTOM BITCHES!!! i love you all so much ;-;

John swallowed and looked down at his phone. He hadn’t gone far; he just went to Regent’s part, which was right down the street from Baker Street. He didn’t know how long it would take for Sherlock to read all of the letters, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go and he didn’t want to spend money on a motel. He also wasn’t tired so he wasn’t planning on sleeping at all that night, getting a motel room would just be a waste of time and money.

He slowly stood up and started to make his way back to Baker Street, in truth he didn’t know why he gave the letters to Sherlock to read, but he was hoping it would make things better between them. He knew that was a long shot, but he honestly had no idea what else to do. He wanted things to go back to the way they were before, but things were different now... they had both changed so much and he knew that they would never be what they were before ever again.

It pained John to know that, but at the same time maybe that was for the better. Maybe they would grow, but maybe they were just going to fall apart. John didn’t know what he would do with himself if Sherlock didn’t want him anymore. He pushed that thought down and walked into the flat, “Sherlock..?” He called out softly.

Sherlock was sitting on the floor in the kitchen surrounded by the letters. He was a sobbing mess and swallowed hard when he heard John, but he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t because his voice would have cracked. John soon rounded the corner and gasped, running over to him, “Sherlock!! What are you doing on the floor?” He knelt down and ran his hands through Sherlock's hair.

“I’m sorry!!” Sherlock sobbed and held onto him, “I should have believed you, but I didn’t and now everything is ruined!!”

“Sherlock... Sherlock no, don't say that...” He swallowed a bit and kissed his forehead, “I probably wouldn’t have believed myself either...” He sighed and held his lover, is that even what Sherlock was to him anymore? He sighed at the thought and shook his head because now was not the time. Sherlock needed him and he would be there for the boy no matter what.

“But I have!!!” He screamed and his body shook with sobs. “Brian’s not just living here just because he needed a place to stay! He was my fuck buddy! It hurt so badly John! I needed something and you were gone! You were dead and I didn’t think you were ever coming back and that broke me! I didn’t know how to live without you because the way I was living before I met you was cold and miserable, but then you came along and made everything so much better!! You gave me life when I had nothing! Absolutely nothing, but you became my light and I needed you because you made me a better person! And not just better, you made my life worth living, but then you died! And I didn’t know what to do! So I slept with Brian to try and fill the hole that you left behind, but no matter how many times we had sex it just got bigger and bigger and I couldn’t do it anymore John! I just couldn’t!” He cried and clung to him.

John swallowed thickly and he wanted to be angry – he was angry, but he had no right to be because Sherlock was right. He was technically dead... and if John really had died he would have wanted Sherlock to be happy... even if that meant him sleeping with Brian. He ran a hand through Sherlock's hair and kissed the side of his head, “I’m sorry...” He whispered.

“And now you fucking hate me and you’re going to leave me forever so all of this was for nothing because I’m a terrible person!”

“Sherlock! You are not! You didn’t know I was alive and I know that if you did know I was alive you wouldn’t have slept with him. I’m a bit angry, but I have no right to be and I’m not going to leave just because you slept with him... just as long as you don't do it again... I mean if we start dating again.”

He nodded slowly, “Can we..?” He whispered quietly.

John felt his heart swell and he nodded, “Of course.” He breathed. “Now, since we are trying to fix things... anything else you want to tell me about?”

Sherlock froze and swallowed thickly, he slowly shook his head, “No....”

John swallowed as well and felt like his heart just got stomped on, “Okay. Come on. Let’s go to bed.” He knew Sherlock was lying... well not lying because John had asked if he _wanted_ to tell him... but he knew that there was more and the fact that Sherlock wasn’t able to tell him hurt.

Sherlock just nodded and they both went to his bed.

John knew that he needed to tell Sherlock about his mum, but now was not the time. He climbed in next to Sherlock and held him close. They eventually both drifted off to sleep curled up in each other’s arms.

~O~

Two weeks had passed and John still hadn’t told Sherlock about his mother. He knew that wasn’t a good thing because he didn’t know how much time Lily had in the first place. She was always there for Sherlock and John saw her as the only person Sherlock could trust and look up to fully. He didn’t even think he fit into that category anymore because things still weren’t the same between them. John had accepted the fact that they would never be the same again, but at the same time it still hurt.

Sherlock would yell at him a lot nowadays, whereas before the army he never raised his voice at John... unless he needed to, but that was very rarely... and only when he told John to leave because this relationship was an experiment. John didn’t want to ever think about that time again though. However, now he couldn’t even remember how many times he got yelled at in one day.

At the same time though John would never leave Sherlock because he loved him too much. Maybe he only loved the Sherlock he once knew and not the one he knew now, but his brain couldn’t understand that Sherlock wasn’t the same person he once was. That part pained John because he wanted so much to go back to the way things were. Sherlock had once told him to not dwell on the past because you couldn’t go back and change it, but John just wanted to be happy with his lover again... Most days it felt like Sherlock didn’t even love him, but just tolerated him and that hurt so much.

He was making tea when Sherlock came back from wherever the hell he went these days. “Sherlock.... Can we talk..?” He set the tea down and walked over to him.

Sherlock frowned and nodded. He really didn’t like that tone of voice, but sat down anyway, “What is it?”

“Well, umm...” He trailed off because how do you even bring up things like this...? “Two weeks ago, when I went to get the letters your dad told me something... and I’ve been avoiding telling you because I don't exactly know how...” He took a shaky breath, “But I can't hold it off anymore and I know that... Sherlock, your mum has cancer...” He whispered.

Sherlock was suddenly very grateful he chose to sit. He swallowed hard and felt like his whole world was crashing around him, “What....” His voice cracked a bit and he just looked at John with a pained expression. John had known this for two weeks and didn’t bother bringing it up once! What if she didn’t have that long and since John was holding it off – what if she died! “Is – is she going to be okay..? It’s treatable right... There’s still a chance for her?” He swallowed hard and looked at John with so much hope. He couldn’t lose her... she was his everything even if he wasn’t there for her as much as he should have been.

John swallowed and had to look away because it was too much. He slowly shook his head, “I’m sorry...” He whispered.

Sherlock wanted to throw up and curl up in a ball and sob all at the same time. It felt like John dying all over again. He slowly stood up and walked to his bedroom without saying another word. He was angry at John for not telling him, but he didn’t even care about that right now... his mummy was dying and he wasn’t there for her like he needed to be...

John swallowed as he slowly sunk down on the floor. He was expecting Sherlock to yell or Sherlock to cry, but he did none of those things... He just looked broken and John was the cause of that. John swallowed hard and just sat there not knowing what to do, but then Sherlock was coming out of the bedroom, tying his scarf around his neck. He didn’t say anything, he just left, but John followed him anyway.

John caught up with him a little down the street and they just walked in silence. He didn’t know where they were going, but after a while Sherlock slowly took his hand and continued walking. John couldn’t help but smile a bit and squeezed his hand, letting him know that no matter what happened he would be there for him.

They kept walking and eventually they showed up at St. Barts. John swallowed as he realised where Sherlock was going and he wondered if maybe he shouldn’t have come at all. He felt like this was a private moment.

Sherlock walked through the doors and talked to the receptionist to see where his mother was staying. Once they got done talking he nodded and drug John to the second floor. John swallowed as Sherlock stopped in front of one of the doors; he slowly opened it, and then stepped inside. Sherlock let go of John's hand and made his way towards the bed slowly. He swallowed hard and sat down in a chair next to her bed as he reached out and grabbed her hand. She was sleeping so he didn’t want to wake her just yet. She needed her rest.

Sherlock slowly looked at John and swallowed, “Umm, John... I don't mean to be rude, but I would appreciate it if I had time alone with my mother...” He whispered and looked back at his mum. He lifted his free hand and brushed the hair out of her face.

John swallowed and nodded and then just left the room. He was so stupid! He should have turned back once he realised what Sherlock was doing, but he didn’t. He also felt so awful that he didn’t tell Sherlock until just now and frankly everything just sucked. He was depressed and practically empty, but he never showed Sherlock that side of him because Sherlock had his own problems and he didn’t need John's on top of that.

John sighed and left the hospital, he didn’t know where to go and he didn’t know what to do, but he most certainly didn’t want to go back to the flat where Brian could come home at any second. He walked aimlessly around London until he found himself in a pub. John huffed because of course he would end up here. Still, he slowly walked over to the bar and sat down. He stared down at the sticky counter and sighed again.

“Woah!” a voice called and he could tell they were smiling, “You look like shit. Let me buy you a drink and you can tell me all of your problems.” The voice sung.

John looked up and frowned a bit. It was a young girl no older than John, possibly a year younger. She was the bartender and had her brown hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had a My Chemical Romance band T-Shirt on and some ripped skinny jeans. John noticed she also had a nose piercing, which was just a diamond stud, and her ears had piercings going all the way up. She didn’t wear that much make up, but then again she didn’t need to because she was very pretty. She flashed a smile at John and he noticed a row of perfect teeth.

“Can't buy you a drink unless you tell me what you want, love,” She rolled her eyes a bit and kept smiling at him.

“Oh... right... umm I don't really know just surprise me...” He frowned a bit and kept staring at her.

“Okayyyy,” She sung. “But don't say I didn’t warn you.” She giggled and started making him a drink.

John blinked a bit and then started to zone out again. He thought about everything that was going on in his life and wanted to scream because why was everything so fucking challenging?

“Here you are!” She hummed, snapping John out of his thoughts.

He swallowed a bit and looked at it, “Really?”

She smirked, “I did warn you.” She hummed and pushed the drink closer to him.

It was in a tall looking wine glass and the liquid was red, which was fine with John, but it had a frilly looking straw and an umbrella with a pineapple on the side. “And what’s this called?” He raised an eyebrow as he took a drink out of the straw.

“Love Potion,” She smirked and watched him.

“WHAT?” John choked on his drink, “And why on earth did you give me Love Potion?”

“Oh, chillax!” She hummed, “It just happens to taste the best, I think.”

John smirked a bit and nodded, “Well, it does taste good.” He sighed some. He was still hurting and upset and he had a feeling this girl could tell because she kept staring at him.

She eventually sighed, “Not even the Love Potion is cheering you up. What’s wrong then?”

John swallowed and ran his finger along the glass, “My life is fucked up.”

She smirked and rolled her eyes, “Well, I think that’s rather a giveaway considering it is mid morning and you are at a bar all by yourself. Wanna talk about it?”

John just stayed staring at his drink and didn’t say anything.

“I’m Claire by the way!” She smiled, “What’s your name?”

John looked up and smiled a bit, “I’m John.”

Claire grinned, “Hello, John.”

John smiled brightly and gave her a flirtatious grin, “Hi, Claire.” However, it didn’t last long before he sighed and looked back down again.

“God! You can't even flirt with me without becoming a sad little thing.” She joked with him and then smiled sadly, “Might help if you talk about it.” She said softly and then wiped down the counter.

He swallowed and downed his Love Potion, “I just got back from the army and I’m so angry because there I felt like something... like I meant something to the world! I was helping, but then I had to go and get fucking shot! And it’s not even fair because the whole three years I was there Sherlock ignored me! He was all I had and he bloody ignored me! He wrote me for a year, but after a year he just stopped so I had to endure three years of complete silence! I needed him! And he wasn’t there! But when I came back I found out it was because he thought I was dead! His dad told him for his birthday that I had died and then confiscated all of the letters I wrote to him! Happy Fucking Birthday Sherlock! You know what? Fine! That’s just peachy! It wasn’t his fault! But then he had to go and shag my best friend who loves him and I actually hate him! They’ve all changed and it isn’t fair! And he’s still not telling me things and nothing is the same! I can't fucking breathe! I’m slowly drowning and to make matters worse I had to tell him today that his mum, the one person he actually cares for, is dying of cancer and that she’s not going to live! And she’s like a mum to me too, but he kicked me out! I haven’t even seen her in four years and she probably still thinks I’m dead BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVERYONE DID!!!” He screamed. “And frankly I don't think me and Sherlock are going to make it and that literally kills me.”

Claire blinked rapidly at John, “Well, I don't even know what to say to that...”

John just let out a bitter laugh, “Sorry, but I do feel a bit better.”

She smiled sadly, “Why don't you tell me what Sherlock is like...”

“He’s an annoying, cocky, rude bastard.” John grumbled.

She shook her head, “those are all bad things. I want to know what makes you love Sherlock.”

He blinked a bit, “Oh... because he’s brilliant. He’s also misunderstood... many people don’t know him like I do. Though, I don't even think I know him anymore.”

She rolled her eyes and then hit him in the arm.

“Ow! Why did you do that?” He sniffled and rubbed the spot where she hit him.

“Because you’re acting like a girl!”

“Well, I think we just established that I’m gay!” He huffed.

She growled at him and shook her head, “No excuse. What have you two done since you’ve been back?”

He sighed, “Had sex a couple of times. He just yells at me mostly... he used to be so kind.”

She wanted to scream and punch him again, but refrained, “John! That’s because you haven’t gotten to re-know each other. It’s like when you’re just starting a relationship you get to know that person. And when you’ve been in a long term relationship you get to watch them change slowly so you barely even notice... and even if you do you don't care because it was gradual and they are still them. Because people do changed, everyone does, but you haven’t spoken to him in three years! You’re basically living with a stranger!”

John blinked rapidly, “I never thought of it that way...”

“That’s because you’re a man,” She smirked and rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, but a sexy man,” He hummed and smirked at her.

She rolled her eyes again, “Hmm, I don't know....” She smirked and watched as he laughed a bit. They continued to talk for what seemed like hours. They talked about anything and everything. John mostly talking about all the good he remembered from Sherlock. He talked about his father and about Sherlock's father.

Claire talked about her childhood and how she hates boys with a passion. She had gotten her heart broken one too many times and now she was giving up on men. However, John told her not to because men are just immature bastards that didn’t know anything, but every once in a while a gem would come along and you would have to hold onto him so tightly, but at the same time he wouldn’t ever want to let you go either. She decided to call those men a ‘John.’

John rolled his eyes, but still felt flattered nonetheless.

Eventually she nudged him and he giggled, “It’s a shame you’re taken because you’re one of a kind.”

He hummed and kissed her cheek, “Thank you, Love, but you are also wrong. Sherlock found his John, as you so wonderfully put it, now you have to find yours.”

She was still blushing from the kiss, “Stop it! Or I’m going to fall in love with you and then all hope would be lost for all the remaining John's out in the world. You give regular men a bad name.”

He smirked, “Being in love with me isn’t so bad.” He snickered and hummed slightly.

“It is when I can't do anything about it!” She smirked. “However, I do want to meet this perfect man of yours.” She paused and then looked at the time. “You’ve been here for a while. I think it’s time for you to go find him.”

“Yeah, okay. Get rid of me.” He hummed, “I see how it is!” John chuckled, “And don't worry! I’ll bring him back to meet you!” And with that he kissed her cheek again and left.

~O~

Sherlock only told John to leave because he was about to break down and he didn’t want John to see that. The door slowly shut and Sherlock rested his head on the edge of the bed and sobbed. He tried to be quiet because he didn’t want to wake his mother. She needed her sleep, but she happened to wake up anyway.

She ran a hand through her youngest sons hair and sighed, “Sherlock, I really didn’t want you to see me like this. You’ve had enough pain my brave little boy.”

Sherlock slowly looked up and swallowed, “John’s not dead and now you’re dying! I’m probably going to lose John too! Why can't I just be happy?? He hates me, but I just–“

“Shhh, baby, it’s okay. John doesn’t hate you... Why don't you tell me how hes not dead?” She smiled softly and ran a hand through his hair again. She wanted to avoid the topic of her illness and John seemed like the best option.

He nodded slowly and swallowed, “It was father... he told me John died and then he stole all the letters before I got them. And then John got shot and showed up at my flat... I stopped doing drugs though...” He smiled softly, “John doesn’t know that I did them in the first place... I can't tell him because I haven’t stopped completely.”

She sighed because she knew he wouldn’t be able to stop cold turkey, but he was trying so that made her happy. “You should tell him,” She whispered.

His eyes widened and he shook his head, “He’ll hate me! Even more than he already does!!”

“Sherlock, he does not hate you. I know because if he did he wouldn’t be living with you,” She smirked.

His eyes widened even more, “How did you–“

“Where on earth did you think you got your brain from?” She hummed.

Sherlock blinked, “Oh... right.... sorry I’m just stressed with everything right now.”

She smiled sadly, “I know, love.”

He held her hand and they talked for hours. He hadn’t really talked to her ever since John ‘died’ because he had closed himself off from everything and now he was finding it hard to open back up in fear it would all happen again.

Lily yawned and squeezed his hand, “It’s late. Come back tomorrow?”

He swallowed and nodded, “Yeah....” He kissed her forehead and then went back to Baker Street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. First things first im a realist. nahhhhh im just playing. However let me please explain to you what a john is... a john is a Bill. Now you're probably thinking to yourself... "Dafuq whitney... a Bill makes less sense than a john...."
> 
> my dad's name is Bill and he is seriously one of a kind. Me and my friends all say that we want to marry a "Bill" when we get married because he is literally the perfect guy. You're probably thinking that's weird because he's like my dad... but growing up with a Bill i honestly dont think i could settle any less..... my parents rarely fight and when they do he also brings her home goofy cards and roses.... 
> 
> One time i read one of his cards he gave my mom and it was for their twenty first anniversary which just happened in march and he said "21 Years and it only seems like yesterday when i held you in my arms for the first time as your husband. I love you so much that words cannot describe. You are truly amazing..." And the card goes on, but that was just a sample. Basically all of his cards are like that and sometimes more heartfelt. He's also an amazing dad.... i have so many great memories with him.... 
> 
> Moral of the story is everyone needs to go out there and find their Bill because you deserve the best in life and never.... never settle for anything less because you dont think that youre worth it..... because let me tell you something.... you are.
> 
> UNTIL NEXT TIME BITCHES  
> DEUCES!


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John... fuck I honestly give up on these summary's

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey heyyyyyyy it's me again! I feel like I haven't been away that long, but who the hell knows nowadays? anywayyyy this chapter is hella long... like SO LONG! So I suppose that makes it worth the wait? It's also three in the morning right now but I'm not going to post this until like four PM tomorrow so like.... that's cool. Anyway I have some more stuff I want to talk about, but I'll do that at the bottom.
> 
> ENJOY THE STORY BITCHES.

Sherlock only told John to leave because he was about to breakdown and he didn’t want John to see that. The door slowly shut and Sherlock rested his head on the edge of the bed and sobbed. He tried to be quiet because he didn’t want to wake his mother... she needed her sleep, but she woke up anyway.

She ran a hand through her youngest sons hair and sighed, “Sherlock, I really didn’t want you to see me like this. You’ve had enough pain, my brave little boy.”

Sherlock slowly looked up and swallowed, “John’s not dead and now you’re dying! I’m probably going to lose John too! He hates me, but I just–“

“Shhh, baby, it’s okay. John doesn’t hate you. Why don't you tell me how he’s not dead..?” She smiled softly and ran a hand through his hair again. She wanted to avoid the topic of her illness. Her baby was hurting and talking about how she was dying would just make him hurt more. That was something she didn’t want.

He nodded slowly and swallowed, “It was father... he told me John died and then he stole all the letters before I got them... and then John got shot and showed up at my flat... I stopped doing drugs though!” He smiled some, “John doesn’t know that I did them in the first place... I can't tell him because I haven’t stopped completely...”

She sighed because she knew he wouldn’t be able to stop cold turkey... but he was trying so that made her happy, “you should tell him.”

His eyes widened and he shook his head, “He’ll hate me– Even more than he already does!!”

“Sherlock, he does not hate you! I know because if he did he wouldn’t be living with you!” She smirked.

His eyes widened more, “How did you–“

“Where on earth did you think you got your brain from? Your father?” She hummed.

Sherlock blinked, “Right... sorry I’m just stressed with everything right now.”

She smiled sadly, “I know, love.” She took a breath and looked at him, “John isn’t someone to stick around if he knows it’s not worth waiting for... He believes in you Sherlock and I believe that he is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you stay in his life.”

He held her hand tightly and felt a lot better. They talked for hours and it felt so nice... he hadn’t really talked to her ever since John “died”. He had closed himself off from everything and now he was finding it hard to open back up in fear it would happen again. He wanted to open back up to John so badly, but he couldn’t.

Lily yawned and squeezed his hand, “It’s late... come back tomorrow?”

He swallowed nodded, “yeah...” He kissed her forehead and then went back to Baker Street.

~O~

Sherlock walked through the doors and smiled at John, “Hi... sorry I made you leave... I just didn’t want to scare her because she hasn’t seen you in four years and she thinks you’re dead...” He said softly as he walked over to John and kissed him.

John blinked because where the fuck did that come from? Nonetheless, he kissed Sherlock back and hummed. He was about to speak, but Sherlock beat him to it.

“You’ve been drinking...” He frowned.

“Yeah, I just had one drink... I went to a pub and met a girl... I think she might actually still be there so we should go! If you want to anyway...” He shifted.

Sherlock growled, “Oh great! You’re leaving me for a woman and you want me to meet her!”

John frowned as well, “I’m not leaving you... she’s just a friend and I talked all about you and she wants to meet you!”

Sherlock blinked, “What... Why?”

“Because she thought you sounded beautiful! Plus she helped me with my problems and most of my problems revolve around you soooo...” John smirked at him and held his hand softly.

“Gee, that makes me feel so loved.” He said sarcastically.

John smirked, “Well, you should! Now come on!”

Sherlock couldn’t help but smile. John was so beautiful and even though he had been a dick lately... John was still with him. He hummed and took John's hand as he walked with him to the pub.

When they walked in John saw that Claire was still working. He grinned from ear to ear, “Claire! I brought you Sherlock!” He sung.

She whistled and then stuck out her hand to Sherlock, “I’m Claire and you are very handsome– Though not as handsome as John.” She smirked and then winked at him.

Sherlock blushed and John about lost it, “Well, I most definitely got lucky with him.” He hummed and smiled softly at John.

John chuckled and took his hand, “I actually think I’m the lucky one.” He whispered. It was an insane thought, but maybe Claire would be the one to fix everything between the two of them without even realising it.

Sherlock smiled brightly and kissed him, “Two drinks, please.” He said once he pulled away.

Claire smirked and then pretended to gag, “You two are so lovely it hurts!”

John smirked back and rolled his eyes, “Nah, you’re just jealous.”

She sighed and handed them their drinks, “That I am, John... that I am.” She smiled softly.

~O~

Sherlock and John stumbled through the Baker Street door and burst into a fit of giggles. “You have the most beautiful fingers ever, John!” Sherlock slurred as he pressed John's hand to his face. Everything was warm and fuzzy. He felt delightful.

John snickered and attacked his face with his hand, “Really? I take good care with them, babe!” He snickered and then was silent for a moment before he got a certain thought into his brain, “OH!!! Sherrrrllloooooocccckkkkk.” He sung and then slowly climbed on top of him and started giggling again. “I want youuu!”

Sherlock opened his mouth to say something but just started giggling again, “Okay!” He hummed and lifted his head up to kiss him. It was rough and sloppy and he was pretty sure he wasn’t even kissing John's mouth, but it was amazing!

John and Sherlock managed to stand up and John yanked off Sherlock's shirt. He giggled and pushed Sherlock against the wall as he kissed down his chest. He reached for Sherlock's trousers and whined when he couldn’t get them undone, “Sherlawkk!!” He whined and tugged on them. “They’re stuck!”

Sherlock grumbled and then tried to unbutton them, but couldn’t do it. He growled and tried harder and then screamed and looked at John with panic. “JAWN!!!! They aren’t coming off! What if they will never ever ever never come off?” He sniffled and looked at John pitifully.

John rolled his eyes, but failed a bit because everything was off balance. He ignored Sherlock's question and just worked on getting naked himself. He was a bit selfish when he was drunk and Sherlock just kept droning on and on about his trousers.

Soon John was naked and Sherlock was sobbing and still stuck, “ILL HAVE TO WEAR THESE TROUSERS EVERYDAY FOREVER AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE THEM!” He sniffled.

John snickered and then ran into the kitchen naked while Sherlock sobbed. When he came back he was still crying about his trousers. John pulled out a pair a scissors and snapped them opened and closed a couple of times, “Look what I have!!” he giggled and then grabbed at Sherlock's trousers.

Sherlock cried with joy and smiled at John, “Yay!” He hummed and waited patiently.

John started to cut away until Sherlock started to squirm, “Sherlock! If you don't knock that off I’ll cut your dick off!”

Sherlock screamed and tried to push him away, “NO!!!! Not my dick!! I need that! Get off of me!” He sniffled and tried to run, but John tackled him to the ground.

John huffed and looked him dead in the eye, “Sherlock.” He said as seriously as could. “We need to cut your trousers off or you’ll have to live in them forever! Do you want that?”

Sherlock sniffled and shook his head, “No...”

“Then let me cut you,” He hummed and snapped the scissors.

Sherlock nodded slowly and squeezed his eyes shut.

John hummed and started cutting off Sherlock's trousers. After a while he gasped, “Sherlock! I’m so sorry!!! I’M AN AWFUL PERSON!!! I accidently cut it off! You’re dick is gone! You’re like a girl now....” He started giggling uncontrollably.

Sherlock just looked at him in horror and then threw his head back and started sobbing, “JOHN!!! YOU PROMISED AND NOW I DON'T HAVE MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DIE!”

John kept laughing while Sherlock sobbed, “Oh, it doesn’t look that bad.”

“That... THAT BAD?” He cried. “John! It isn’t fair! Now you have to cut yours off!!!”

John giggled and nuzzled his face into Sherlock's chest, “Noooo.” He sung.

“YOU’RE BEING MEAN! AND NOW IT’S GONE AND YOU WONT DO THE SAME AND I– oh...” He blinked and groaned as he felt John’s mouth around his prick. He sniffled and opened his eyes to look at John, “You lied. Meanie.”

John hummed and kept moving his head happily. He pulled away and picked up the naked Sherlock as he stumbled into the bedroom. They collapsed on the bed and then John stubbed his toe. He groaned in pain and whined, “Fuck!”

Sherlock screamed and hid under the covers, “WHERE!!!!!”

John blinked, “Where what?” He mumbled.

“THE DUCK, JOHN! WHERE?”

“Sherlock.... there are no ducks...” John frowned and tried to pull the blanket away.

Sherlock just growled at him and started crying yet again, “Yes there are! You said so! John!!!!!”

John smiled darkly and snickered, “Sherlock... it’s by your head!”

He screamed loudly and ended up falling out of the bed.

John laughed so hard he almost fell off the bed as well. He peered off the edge of the bed and smirked, “Sherlock... I think it’s under the blanket with you.”

Sherlock jerked out of the blanket so fast and leapt across the bed, “John!! Make it leave!!” He was sobbing and shaking.

John bit his lip and even though he was completely smashed, he felt bad. “Okay.. okay... Go away duck!” He hummed and just watched Sherlock, who had his eyes closed. He waited a moment and then smiled as he started to take off his shirt. “It’s gone, love. Now, come here.” He said softly.

Sherlock sniffled and crawled into bed. He clung to John and kissed his neck, “My hero.” He said as he wiped his eye pitifully.

John smiled and ran a hand through his hair, “Obviously.” He rolled his eyes and then leaned in to kiss him gently.

Sherlock ran a hand up John's chest and then grabbed hold of John's dog tags.

John smiled softly and adjusted them so they were both laying down. John smirked and then started rutting up against Sherlock. They both groaned at the contact and Sherlock's eyes fluttered shut.

John leaned down and kissed him softly again, “Sherlock... do you have a condom...? Lube..?”

Sherlock just groaned in response and tugged on John’s dog tags.

John sighed and started rummaging through Sherlock's nightstand. They may have shared a bed, but they hadn’t had sex and John knew he didn’t have any of those things... though thinking back he was starting to wonder why the fuck not. Luckily, he found both in Sherlock's drawer. He opened the packet and was about to roll it onto to aching prick when Sherlock stopped him and shook his head.

“I don't want you to use a condom. I’m clean and so are you... I want to feel you.” He breathed and looked at him.

John probably should have been angry that Sherlock looked at his medical records, but right now he was horny and drunk and he wanted the man in front of him. He nodded slowly and then poured the lube into his hand. Slowly, he entered a finger inside of Sherlock.

Sherlock's whole body jerked and he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t know why, but it felt so good. He briefly wondered if it was because he hadn’t had actual sex with John in years and perhaps he just missed his touch. He kept a tight grip on John's dog tags as John continued to prepare him.

After adding a third finger John finally pulled out. He slicked up his prick and then slid into Sherlock. John placed his hands on the side of Sherlock's head as he moaned in pleasure. He bent down to press sweet kisses to Sherlock's jaw line, “I love you.” He breathed and then was all the way in. He ran his hand into Sherlock's hair and tugged.

Sherlock groaned as he wiggled to get adjusted and then smiled up at John, “Move, please.” He said sweetly.

John's heart almost melted and he slowly started moving. He huffed a bit and smiled down at Sherlock, “Love, it’s rather hard to move with your death grip on my dog tags.” He kissed his nose and caressed his head.

Sherlock whined and started thrusting into the air, “I don't care! I’m not letting go!!”

John sighed and then smiled and started moving again. It was rather challenging because he couldn’t move his upper body. Sherlock had him pulled as close as possible... and his hands were in Sherlock's hair, but he wasn’t moving those either... so he just bit his lip and pressed their foreheads together. He started moving his hips again and soon he found a rhythm that was easy to move.

John moved slowly into his body as Sherlock kept making noises. It was a bit sloppy, but it felt so good and it looked like Sherlock seemed to think so as well so he kept at it. He reached between them and grabbed Sherlock's prick to stroke him. Sherlock wasn’t going to do it because he obviously wouldn’t let go of John’s dog tags. Plus, he still had one hand in Sherlock's hair, tugging at it happily. John giggled a bit and shook his head as he picked up his pace.

John was so drunk and all of his senses were heightened. He wanted it to last, but he was so close. John groaned at that and thrusted a few more times before coming inside of Sherlock, hard.

Sherlock gasped and then came a couple of seconds later. He giggled and pulled John down on him. He didn’t care if John landed in his mess... he wasn’t about to let go of John – or the dog tags for that matter.

He closed his eyes and just tried to drift off to sleep when John slowly moved his hands out from Sherlock's hair. He grabbed onto his dog tags and slowly pulled it off of his neck. “Sherlock... put them on...” He whispered and kissed his jaw. “I want you to have them.”

Sherlock's eyes snapped opened and he grinned so hard he thought his face would split in two, “Really?” He whispered quietly.

John smiled and slowly put them over Sherlock's head and around his neck, “Yeah. They look good on you.” He said softly and rolled off of him so that he could lay next to him.

Sherlock yawned and smiled brightly. He kept his hand wrapped around them and the other wrapped around John as they both drifted off into a deep sleep.

~O~

Sherlock's phone started ringing and he groaned and reached for it. His head was pounding and he was all crusty. Sherlock had no idea why and then suddenly everything came rushing back to him and he smiled a bit. It may have been a right mess, but they had a moment of some sort and that made Sherlock happy. He reached a hand up and touched the dog tags around his neck and then answered his phone. He kept his eyes shut as he heard Garrett blabbering on and on about some case. It seemed like it was in the middle of nowhere and he wasn’t really paying attention, but it wouldn’t be that hard to find. Sherlock eventually hung up the phone and shoved John out of the bed, “Wake up.” He grumbled and slowly stood up.

John groaned in pain and whimpered, “You didn’t have to shove me. I would have gotten up if you had just asked nicely.”

Sherlock pursed his lips and shrugged, “Too late now.” He hummed and went to go take a shower.

Soon they were all dressed and ready. They were both still sporting headaches, but Sherlock tried to push that feeling away. It wasn’t working and that made him angry. They walked for what felt like miles and Sherlock had absolutely no idea where they were... though he would never admit it.

John groaned, “Sherlock, where are we going!? It looks like it’s going to snow soon! It never snows and when it does I would much rather be inside than outside.

Sherlock rolled his eyes, “Doubtful it will be snow, John. It’s probably rain – if anything slush... it’s not cold enough to stick to the ground.”

“Still! It’s cold and I’m tired! We’ve been out here for hours,” He grumbled. “How about you just admit that we are lost?”

“Because we aren’t lost,” He grumbled. “I know exactly where we are.”

“Okay,” John narrowed his eyes and looked at him. “Then where exactly are we? Because I’m hung over and I don't feel well, but you can keep looking if you’d like. Just point me in the direction which is home and I will be on my merry way.” He smiled and kept walking with him. “It’s also getting dark sooooo you should just admit that we are lost.”

“We are not lost!!” He growled and kept stomping away. After about five minutes it started to rain.

John shivered and kept walking, “Well, since we are lost and in the rain... why don't you tell me why you freaked out so hard last night when you thought I said the word ‘duck’?”

Sherlock sighed loudly and grumbled, “Not lost... and when I was a little kid Mycroft took me to see the ducks. We fed them and everything was fine... I was actually having fun... until this little boy made one mad and it decided to take out his anger on me. Ever since that day I have had an irrational fear of ducks... and apparently when I am drunk I can't even hear the word without crying... which is actually rather embarrassing,” He sighed some and then grabbed John's hand as he kept walking.

“Oh, that’s rather sad...” John frowned some and swallowed.

Sherlock sighed and looked at John, “Alright.... we may be a tad lost.”

John smirked and then kissed his cheek, “Knew it. Why don't you use that big brain of yours and get us home?”

“I would love to do that for you, darling... however, I honestly have no idea where we are...” He sighed.

They walked around for an hour or so more when Sherlock finally found somewhere where he was familiar with. “FINALLY!!!” He practically jumped for joy and gave John a giant hug.

John was shivering like a mad man, but hugged him back. Sherlock took his hand and they both went home. John wasn’t feeling too well so he just went straight to bed. After taking a shower Sherlock joined him. He would get hell from Garrett tomorrow for not even showing up, but he got to spend a day with John in the rain so he supposed that was good enough.

~O~

The next day Sherlock and John woke up and started to get dressed again. John wasn’t feeling that great, but it was just a little tingle in his stomach. Plus, they were going to go see Lily today and John hadn’t seen her in four years... he wasn’t going to miss that for anything.

They got ready and then took a cab to the hospital. They went up to where Lily’s room was and walked in.

Lily smiled brightly at the two of them and held out her arms, “My beautiful boys...” She said softly and almost started crying at the sight of John.

John smiled sadly and walked over to her, “Hi.” He said quietly and gave her a light hug.

“I’ve missed you, John. I’m so glad you’re okay.” She breathed and kissed his cheek.

John smiled as he pulled away and sat on the chair next to Lily’s bedside. He was so cold and his whole entire body hurt. It seemed to get only worse and worse as each second passed, “I missed you too.” He said softly.

Sherlock raised an eyebrow at him, but just walked over to his mummy and hugged her, “Hi again. Sorry I didn’t come and see you yesterday... we got lost!” He sniffled sadly and sat at the edge of her bed.

“It’s alright, love. I know you’re busy.” She said softly. Sherlock smiled softly and the three of them kept talking for a while.

John eventually felt too sick to even talk... it got to the point where he just stopped engaging in conversation because it hurt and he felt like he was going to throw up.

Sherlock looked over at him and frowned, “You okay..?”

John looked up and blinked, “Yes...” He nodded and swallowed some. He didn’t want to tell Sherlock because Sherlock’s mum was dying and he didn’t want Sherlock to take him home just because he was feeling a tad ill.

He narrowed his eyes, “John you are sweating! Do you feel okay? Because I don't want you around my mother if you’re sick! You might even get her sicker than she already is!” He growled some.

“Sherlock...” Lily warned to her youngest son.

But at that point John started to feel guilty for even coming when he felt sick this morning. He swallowed hard and nodded slowly, “I think I need to go home, Sherlock....” He whispered quietly and stood up, but then fell on the ground.

Sherlock swallowed hard and helped him up, “Alright... we can go...” He looked at his mother and smiled sadly, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He whispered.

Lily smiled and nodded, “Yes, of course, Dear.” She said softly and then watched as they left.

~O~

John whined as Sherlock placed him in bed. His whole body ached and he just wanted sleep, but he couldn’t fall asleep. Sherlock sighed and kissed his head, “Rest... I’ll be back in a while to check on you, okay?” He would have stayed if John had asked, but John didn’t want him to stay because he didn’t want Sherlock to get sick as well. He smiled sadly and then left the room.

Sherlock walked into the kitchen and started to make himself some tea. He poured it in a cup and then sat down at the table and sipped on it as he stared at the wall. He looked up after a moment and Brian was coming into the room smiling softly.

“Hi, Sherlock... sorry I haven’t seen you in a while, but with everything that’s going on right now... it’s hard... you know...” He sighed and sat across from him.

Sherlock looked down for a second and swallowed, “I know... if I would have known he wasn’t dead... I wouldn’t have put you through that...” He whispered.

Brian bit his lip and sighed, “But you can't just sit there and tell me you didn’t feel anything for me... right?”

Sherlock sighed, “Actually I can. I don't mean to hurt you because I like you as a friend, but all you were to me was someone I was using to try and fill the hole in my chest and it never worked. I’m sorry... I truly am because it was never my wish to hurt you, but I can assure you that one day you’ll find your special someone that you can't stand to be without. However, sadly that someone isn’t me, Brian...” Sherlock smiled softly while Brian stood up and went to the alcohol cabinet.

“Well, I think we should drink to that.” He hummed sadly and poured two glasses. He handed one to Sherlock and they clanked glasses. Sherlock downed his and so did Brian. “Wanna go watch telly on the couch?” Brian asked softly.

Sherlock nodded and then stood up as he walked to the couch. He sat down and they watched Doctor Who, but after a couple of minutes his brain started to feel foggy and his muscles started to feel heavy. He blinked sluggishly and slowly turned to look at Brain, “What’d you do to me?” He slurred a bit and leaned against him... if he chose to lean the other way he would have fell off the couch and not leaning wasn’t an option.

Brian sighed and slowly laid Sherlock down as he started to unbutton his shirt, “You love me... I know you do... you just need to remember what we had. Don’t worry I didn’t give you enough that you will pass out or anything.” He said softly and then started to kiss down Sherlock's neck.

Sherlock tried to wiggle away, but he was frozen, “What did you give me?”

Brian stopped kissing him, but still stayed hovering against Sherlock's skin. “Don't know actually... I bought it off some bloke.” He shrugged and then went back to sucking Sherlock's skin.

Sherlock screamed and tried to shove him, but he couldn’t, “YOU WHAT?”

“Calm down...” He whispered and palmed Sherlock's non erect penis.

“Calm down? CALM DOWN? GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU!” He screamed and glared at him.

He sighed, “If you could get hard that would be great...” He said as he continued to rub Sherlock.

“JOHN!!!” He sobbed, “JOHN PLEASE!!!”

Sadly, John didn’t come. He tried... he really did, but he was so sick he couldn’t move without feeling like he was going to throw up or pass out... perhaps both... he felt so useless and he just hoped that Sherlock would get out of whatever mess he had gotten himself into. He also didn’t think it was that serious because he was sick and didn’t really care... as rude as that sounded it was the truth.

Brian continued to strip Sherlock and finally Sherlock found enough strength to shove him off of the couch. He was shaking as so many memories came flooding back into his brain, “GET. OUT. OF. MY. HOUSE.” He screamed and grabbed the fire iron that was next to the fire place. “I will fucking kill you,” He said in a low voice. He was sweating and shaking and everything was fuzzy, but no one would ever come close to touching his body again unless he gave them permission.

Brian scoffed and shook his head, “Well, you’re no fun.” He scoffed and then just stood up and left the flat. Sherlock thought that that was a bit weird... maybe he had imagined the whole thing and had just taken too much cocaine... still, it was terrifying and he was just glad that Brian was gone. He took one last deep breath and then passed out.

~O~

Three days later John was feeling much better. He started to get up and move around because Sherlock was sleeping and he was bored. He started sifting through Sherlock's drawers and looking at some things when pulled out a small baggy. He frowned as he looked at it and then slowly opened it and sniffed it... it didn’t have a smell so he licked his finger to wet it and then stuck his hand in the bag. John got a small amount on his finger and then slowly pressed the tip of his tongue to his to the white powder that was stuck on his finger... His heart dropped as the realisation set in. He looked at Sherlock and didn’t know what to do at all... however, this all made sense as to why Sherlock was acting so different... he wasn’t Sherlock because he was using drugs and that pained him. John knew how drugs affected people and he didn’t like it. It made him sick to even think about the fact that Sherlock was doing them.

John clenched the bag in his hand and then stood up. He pushed Sherlock out of the bed and hissed, “Get the fuck up.” He spat.

Sherlock flailed and woke up immediately, “What! What’s wrong?”

John thrusted the baggy in front of Sherlock's face, “What the fuck is this!” He hissed.

Sherlock’s entire face paled and he stood up as quickly as he could, “John please... I can explain that if you just listen to–“

“NO!!!” He screamed and threw the bag at Sherlock, sending the powder flying everywhere. “I don't care! I don't want to hear it! I asked! I was open to you and told you everything! And instead of coming to me for help you just hid it away and tried to get high when you thought I wasn’t fucking looking!” He snapped and his chest was heaving.

“John! No! This is why I didn’t want to tell you! I knew you would overreact.”

“OVERREACTING? YOU THINK IM OVERREACTING?” He screamed, “YOU’RE A FUCKING DRUG ADDICT!! SO PLEASE TELL ME HOW I AM OVERREACTING!”

“I’M TRYING! PLEASE JUST LISTEN–“ He begged, but John cut him off again.

“No,” He said in a dark voice, “I’m done with you!” He growled, “I have tried so hard to fucking please you and help you and you just keep me in the dark with EVERYTHING!!!” He screamed and then kicked the bed. He glared at Sherlock for a couple of seconds longer before storming out of the flat. He just needed air and some time... he didn’t know if he would ever go back to Sherlock, but he had a pretty good feeling he would. John just hated that Sherlock didn’t trust him enough to tell him things like this – or that’s how John felt anyway.

He stomped down the pavement not really paying attention to anything – not really caring. He was angry and lost in thought and he certainly didn’t know where he was going, but he found that he honestly didn’t care about where he ended up or what he would do. Sadly, he didn’t get very when all of a sudden someone was pulling him into a small alleyway and slamming him up against the wall. He yelping with surprise and then groaned in pain as he squeezed his eyes shut, “Wallet... left pocket.” He grumbled some and sighed, but then his body stiffened when he felt a cold metal blade on his neck.

“I don't really want your money, John Watson. I just want you to die.” Brain hissed and started to dig the knife deeper into John's throat as he started to scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo how did you like it? I know i'm a cruel human sometimes, but I think that it's worth it!!!
> 
> guys just know that if I never update this again it's because I died! I have these heart attack things like every morning (it's not an actual heart Attack but it feels like I'm having one.... Like you think I'm joking but I am 1000000000% serious.....) anyway! I've been to the doctors for years now and they don't have a clue what's going on... And now it's getting worse... Plus I have a 80% chance of throat cancer and I told Amanda Abbington that and she tweeted me back. Awww what a sweetheart!!!
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr: 
> 
> I used to be obsessed with the hokey pokey.... But I managed to turn myself around. 
> 
>  
> 
> BWAHHAHA IM SO FUCKING FUNNY!!
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES!


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...............GUYS MY COMPUTER IS FINALLY FIXED!!!!! I'M SO FUCKING HAPPY!!! the old one broke completely and the new one was still away at the shops.... BUT NOW THEY ARE FIXED!!!
> 
> In other news i'm super angry... so i wanted to do a year of study abroad in London but then i thought.... oh why not go there my last year of school and be an international student and graduate there and then just continue to live there! that way i wont lose contacts... blah blah. so i emailed this guy who then told me to email this address instead of him so i did and i heard nothing.... DX so after three weeks i emailed the guy back and he told me that he would check. Wellllll it turns out they just didnt get my email so i resent it and SHE TOLD ME THAT THEY DONT ACCEPT PEOPLE HALF WAY THROUGH THEIR DEGREE UNLESS THEY HAVE JUST COMPLETED THEIR FIRST YEAR!!! technically i should be a junior (Which is a third year) but i took a year off school....... so i have only completed the first year of college...which means i can still apply... and if that is not a coincidence.... because i would have started this semester but missed the deadline... and now im finding this out before i can apply for next semester... however, i dont know if my dad will let me apply and go there for three years and thats what makes me upset and sad because i want this more than life....... and it's my dream college... but i feel like he wont let me do it.... and i think that will kill me...
> 
> anyway... now that i have my computer back i should be updating more regularly! 
> 
> SEE YOU AT THE BOTTOM BITCHES!

Sherlock paced in his flat as he tugged at his hair. John wasn’t meant to see that! Ever! And he was trying! He really was, but John obviously didn’t see it like that. Sherlock's eyes widened at the very possibility that John wasn’t going to come back unless it was to get his things. Sherlock’s hand slowly reached up and wrapped around John’s dog tags. He couldn’t have that happen! Of course he wasn’t going to force John to stay... if John truly didn’t want to stay then he would let him go because all he wanted in life was for John to be happy and if leaving made him happy then by all means he would let him leave, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do everything in his will power to stop John from leaving... He grabbed his coat and decided to chase after him.

He didn’t know which way John had left and he growled at the fact that he didn’t pay attention to that small detail. Now how was he going to find him? He started to walk down the street and then he heard a scream. He froze and swallowed hard because that sounded exactly like John. He turned in the other direction and ran as fast as he could. He didn’t scream John’s name because he was terrified that would just provoke whoever was attacking John.

Sherlock kept running as fast as he could and eventually he got to an alleyway where he saw Brian digging his knife into John’s neck. Rage filled Sherlock and before he could think about what he was doing he attacked the bigger man to the ground.

John fell to the ground gasping for air. He rubbed his neck and watched Sherlock and Brian roll around. Brian climbed on top of Sherlock and held the knife up in the air. John screamed as he brought it down quickly and then both of them went limp and things were eerily quiet. John started sobbing as he crawled over to the pair. “Sh-Sherlock...” There was blood everywhere and John didn’t know who it belonged to, but he could only guess Sherlock seeing as Brian was the one to bring down the knife.

Sherlock suddenly groaned and managed to push off Brian, “I’m fine John.” He smiled softly. “I got him...” He looked over at Brian who wasn’t moving.

“But... he had the knife...” John whispered quietly as he looked at Sherlock.

“That may be true, but I keep on in my pocket at all times.” Sherlock hummed and pulled out his phone to call Mycroft.

John frowned, “Why do you keep a knife in your pocket!!” He flailed.

Sherlock’s jaw clenched a bit, “Reasons that you don't need to concern yourself with!” He snapped, “And since you are wondering, but you won’t ask me... no he isn’t dead. Just seriously injured, I’m having Mycroft come and retrieve him. He won’t be bothering us again.” He hummed hoping that that would make John drop the subject on the knife.

Thankfully, it did because John just nodded and walked up to him. He gently took his hand and didn’t say anything, which Sherlock was grateful for.

They went back to the flat and Sherlock went to the kitchen to make tea. John stopped him though and made it instead for the both of them. “I could have done it,” Sherlock grumbled into his mug.

“Yes, you could have, but no offense, love... you’re tea is shite.” He grinned and took a sip.

Sherlock huffed and narrowed his eyes into the cup.

“So...” John said carefully, “You going to tell me why you’re doing drugs and why you carry a knife around?” He said carefully.

Sherlock didn’t say anything, but then suddenly his phone vibrated and he breathed a sigh of relief. “My mother wants to see us. Bring a board game.” He said and then stood up and left the flat.

John grumbled bitterly and picked the first game he saw. He put his coat on and then ran out to catch up to Sherlock. “You could wait you know.” He huffed. “Ever since I’ve returned you’ve kind of been a prick.”

Sherlock turned and glared at him, “Yes, well. Get used to it.” He hissed and then climbed into the back of the cab without another word.

~O~

John and Sherlock got to the hospital and went up to Lily’s room without saying a word to each other. John was still holding the game under his arms when they walked through the door.

Lily smiled brightly, but then her smile quickly faded, “Well then... have a bit of a row did we?”

Sherlock growled, “We’ll get through it! Now, can we please not talk about that?”

John scoffed at that and shook his head, “I doubt that.” He said under his breath and he knew Sherlock could hear him, but Sherlock ignored it.

Sherlock pulled a table up next to the bed and then sat down next to his mother, “John brought a board game like you asked.” He smiled softly.

“And let me guess. He brought clue?”

John laughed, “Hell no! I won’t let him go anywhere near that game when he’s with me... he gets way too aggressive and it never ends well. We now have the board game alone with a knife stabbed into our wall.”

Lily blinked and stared at Sherlock, “Oh my...”

“The rules were wrong mother! I was right! I’m always right! And it was the only explanation.” He grumbled bitterly.

His mother smiled and kissed the top of his head, “I believe you, dear.”

He beamed at his mother and played with her hand as John set up the game, “I decided to bring monopoly because that seemed like a safe bet, and it was also the first one I saw.” He hummed.

Sherlock chose the dog, John chose the car, and Lily chose the iron.

The played for hours and eventually Lily lost all of her money so she just watched her two boys play. “I’m winning Sherlock!! There’s no way you can catch up.” John hummed, “Might as well give up now because you have lost.” He sung as he held the dice in his hand.

Sherlock growled, “You think your game is safe? It is an illusion. A comforting lie told to protect you. Enjoy these final moments of peace. For I have returned with vengeance. So, shall we continue?” He snatched the dice out of John’s hand and rolled doubles. He hummed happily and rolled again.

Lily rolled her eyes, “He always was so dramatic at board games. You should see him and Mycroft play operation.” She snickered and Sherlock choked.

“MOTHER!!!” He flailed.

“What?” She asked innocently. “It’s true, plus, you two were always so cute about it.”

“Right... I’m leaving the room now and I won so ha!” He grumbled and then stood up and left.

She hummed, “Finally! I thought he would never leave.”

John blinked, “Sorry?”

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you alone and I was getting tired.” She smiled sadly, “I wanted to talk to you before I.... well....” She trailed off and swallowed.

John swallowed thickly and just nodded slowly.

“There’s something different between you and my son... I can see it... I’m not saying your time away was a good time in your life, but his wasn’t either...”

John swallowed and looked down, “Yes, I know it wasn’t! He was probably hurting just as bad as I was, but he won’t talk about it and he knows every single thing about what happened with me over those three years!”

Lily nodded slowly. “There’s some video footage of him from CCTV... just ask him about it... because I don't think that you two will get through this unless he talks.” She slowly took his hand, “I know it may seem like he doesn’t care, but he’s just scared... He doesn’t handle pain well John.”

“I know...” He whispered and smiled tightly. “I’ll talk to him...”

She smiled and kissed his hand, “Thank you, love. Now, go to him.”

He nodded slowly and kissed her head before running out of the room. He would go back and get monopoly later, but for right now he needed to find Sherlock.

~O~

John walked out of the room and went to find Sherlock. He found him out by the smoker’s area leaning up against the wall. John sighed and walked over to him, “You’re just temping yourself with things you can't have....” He said quietly as he grabbed Sherlock’s hand softly.

Sherlock swallowed hard and just looked down, “I’m trying, John... It’s a hard time right now...”

John nodded slowly and ran his thumb across Sherlock's, “I know... and I’m always here for you.... which is why I think you should let me in on what happened when I was away.”

Sherlock stiffened next to him and didn’t say anything for a long time, “I think it’s better if you didn’t know...” He whispered.

“Please... Sherlock I want to know and I really don't think our relationship is going to be able to last if you don't tell me...” He whispered. “I’ve let you read all of my letters... those made me vulnerable and I could have just locked them away and not have let you read them, but I opened up to you and now you’re shutting me out... I can't– I can't do it anymore...”

“It’s bad John... I don't want you do know...” He swallowed hard.

“Sherlock..... Please....” John whispered, “Or I’m going to walk away and I’m not going to come back.”

Sherlock's breath hitched and he was silent for awhile before he nodded slowly, “Okay... follow me...”

~O~

Sherlock walked in silence as he held John’s hand. They ended up at his old home where he knocked on the door and waited for Mycroft to answer. Eventually, Mycroft opened the door and blinked down at Sherlock. “Sherlock... What can I do for you..?”

Sherlock took a deep breath and let go of John’s hand, “He wants to see the video’s...”

Mycroft was silent for a long moment before he finally nodded and stepped inside, “Come in then...”

John walked inside and looked up at Mycroft, waiting for him to do something. He felt awkward about everything and he didn’t know why.

“Right... I would imagine you would want to be alone while you watched them... if you would just go upstairs to my study I will be there shortly.”

John nodded and slowly made his way up the stairs. He opened the door and walked inside, sitting down in the chair next to the computer.

Mycroft swallowed once he heard the door click shut. He looked at his younger brother and sighed, “You want me to show him everything?”

Sherlock swallowed and nodded slowly, “Yeah... he deserves to know....” He whispered and went to go sit on the couch.

Mycroft sighed and just went upstairs to play them for John. He grabbed a box of tissues and a glass of water, “You might need these... might not. I didn’t cry at all, but then again mother was in tears... I don’t know where you will stand so... here...” He awkwardly handed the pair of things to John and started fiddling about on his computer.

John stared down at them for a moment before setting the water down on the desk and setting the box of tissues in his lap, “Are you going to be in here while I watch them?” He asked quietly.

Mycroft frowned and shook his head, “Of course not... you deserve privacy, John...”

John couldn’t help but smile sadly as he nodded slowly, “Thank you.”

“Of course,” He hummed and stood up straight. “Whenever you’re ready. Take all the time you need.” And with that he left the room.

John stared at the screen for a long moment before finally hitting play. He sat back and held his breath for a moment. He didn’t know why he was so nervous, but he was.

The screen was black for a couple of seconds before it began to play. It showed Sherlock walking down the street and everything seemed okay. He was smoking a cigarette though... John couldn’t really blame him... He did a lot of drinking in the army to try and drown out the pain, though he never did become an alcoholic and John thought that that was a miracle.

John’s mind came back to reality and he started to pay attention to the screen again. Sherlock had pulled out his phone and was dialling someone, a couple of seconds passed and he just threw the phone on the ground and started to punch the wall over and over again. John swallowed thickly and wanted to look away, but didn’t. He was thankful that there wasn’t any sound because he was certain that Sherlock would be screaming and he couldn’t bare it.

Sherlock eventually stopped and sunk down to the ground, clutching his head in his hands. It looked like he was sobbing, but John couldn’t be sure and then the screen went black. John swallowed and just sat there for a minute. That wasn’t so bad... He sighed and slowly played the next one.

The next couple of videos were just Sherlock buying drugs and getting high, after about the fifth one, though, something was different. Sherlock appeared on the screen and John could tell it was dark outside. He walked to a lamp post and waited there for a minute. Suddenly, a black van stopped in front of him and three men climbed out. Sherlock was saying something to them and tried to hand them what John assumed was money. They kept shaking their heads though and then one of them pushed Sherlock up against the lamp post while another one started to kiss his neck. Sherlock was screaming... John could see his face and he was screaming and crying. This broke John’s heart and he broke down right there. Their hands were all over Sherlock's body and one of them managed to rip off Sherlock's shirt. He tried to fight, but he was no match against the three men.

The tallest one yanked down his own trousers and smirked at Sherlock. John’s blood went cold as the same man ripped off Sherlock's trousers, leaving him in just his pants. Just when John thought he couldn’t bare it anymore two other men came onto the screen and started to scream at the men about to rape Sherlock Holmes. They seemed to not like what the other two men were saying because the tall one pulled his trousers up quickly and the one who was currently kissing Sherlock's neck pulled away and punched him in the face. John choked on a sob as they ran back to the van and climbed in. They sped away and left Sherlock to rot. John didn’t care though because he didn’t want those men next to his Sherlock anyway, however, the men who saved Sherlock just turned around and left. They left him there... traumatised and in pain. John screamed out in anger and wanted to shut it off, but didn’t. A couple of minutes passed and Sherlock found the strength to slowly stand up and limp home. The screen went black.

There was one video left and John slowly played it with shaky fingers.

This one was set on a bridge. John didn’t know which one at first because it was dark yet again and no one was there except for the dark walking, well swaying, figure that was small, John assumed that was Sherlock. And then like a brick hitting John right in the face everything rushed into clearness. That wasn’t just some random bridge... that was the bridge his father had drove off of... the place where he had almost drowned. This alone was enough to sent John into another round of sobs. His head and heart were aching and it wasn’t fair! None of this was! And he hated Sigar so much! But there was nothing he could do about it now... he was dead.

Sherlock walked up to the side of the bridge and looked down at the water for a long moment. He just stared at the water until he finally broke down and started crying. He had a bottle in his hand and John could only assume that it was a bottle of alcohol. Oh Sherlock... Sherlock looked up at the sky and was screaming words that John couldn’t make out. He was too far away for John to read his lips.

And then he just stopped and stared at the ground. John frowned through his tears and then fear struck through him as he saw Sherlock walk to the edge and climb over the railing. John could tell he was shaking and he knew Sherlock was terrified, but Sherlock looked up into the sky and smiled sadly and then just let go. He jumped and John's heart felt like it had just stopped. He wanted to know what happened next, but the screen went black and that was the end... there was no more.

John screamed in anger and threw his glass of water across the room. He sunk down on the floor and just sobbed, trying to get a hold of himself. He wasn’t the only one who suffered and he had no idea why he didn’t realise that until now... He supposed he was just being selfish.

After what felt like hours had passed John slowly stood up and wiped his face. He took a few deep breaths and then slowly made his way down the stairs, but upon seeing Sherlock he broke into a fit of tears again and just ran for him. He threw his arms around him and held him close, “I’m so sorry....” He breathed. He wanted to know what had happened after he jumped, but he would ask later.

Though, it seemed he didn’t need to because Sherlock knew what he wanted to know, “They found me before it was too late... I didn’t wake up for two days and once I did they took me to a rehabilitation centre... it obviously didn’t work, but they tried... and I stopped trying to kill myself so I suppose they accomplished something.” He took a deep breath, “Still... I have those thoughts sometimes...”

John sat in his lap and kissed all over his face, “Don’t... please don’t.... ever. Even if I’m not here anymore... and I promise that I won’t try even if you’re not here... okay?” He breathed.

Sherlock nodded slowly, “Okay.... I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“No...” John shook his head and kissed his nose, “I’m sorry... I love you so much...”

Sherlock smiled softly and kissed him deeply. He pulled away slightly, “I love you too. Now let’s go home...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awwww arent they cute??????????
> 
> See it's slowly getting better (((; until it gets worse.... what! who said that! AHHHH I HAVE TO LEAVE IN EXACTLY ONE MINUTE SO I WILL COME BACK TO THIS!!!! (:
> 
> hahahhahahhahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahaahhahaha it's been longer than an hour i bet you werent expecting that.... 
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr: (If i alternate like that it says that the words are spelled wrong! ahahha)  
> Knock Knock  
> Who's there?  
> Do we.  
> Do we who?  
> DO WEEEEEEEE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
> 
> hehehehehehe 
> 
> alright until next time bitches!!!!
> 
> DEUCES!


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeahhhhh i'm just giving up on the whole summary bit, but who cares? I figure if you are still with my story you wouldn't care of the summary you would just read it. Idk i might be wrong but whatevssss
> 
> I think this is a pretty quick update! Plus i updated two of my other two fics and damn this has never happened before! i feel accomplished! Mwhahah
> 
> Well i dont really know what to say other than get ready to ball your eyes out.... fuck.

A month later and Sherlock’s mother was only getting worse, though they knew from the beginning that she wasn’t ever going to get better. Sherlock acted like he was fine, but John could see right through him. He swallowed and held his hand, “So, I heard that she gets to go home today...”

Sherlock glared at the wall and huffed, “She’s requesting to go home because she doesn’t want to die in a hospital bed. There is a difference.”

“Still... She gets to be in the comfort of her home... maybe we should go and live at your old house for a while...” John suggested softly.

Sherlock sighed and nodded, “I think that would be for the best...” He smiled softly and kissed him once, “Thank you.”

John just smiled sadly and then went to go pack a bag for the both of them.

Sherlock sat back down in his chair and let his mind wander until John came back out and smiled at him, “Ready?” He hummed.

Sherlock nodded and stood up. He walked over to the door and together they went to his old house.

~O~

Sherlock and John managed to beat Lily to the house. Sherlock sat on the couch, watching the front door, while John went upstairs to the guest bedroom and unpacked his things. He had to chuckle to himself once he saw that the guest bedroom had turned into Sherlock's bedroom. Sherlock had moved his experiments and posters into that room.

John shook his head some and started to hang up their clothes. He supposed that when he was living there they never once slept in Sherlock's bedroom... This bedroom had quickly become Sherlock and John’s room, not the guest bedroom.

John finished hanging the clothes and then went back downstairs to sit next to Sherlock, “I’ll be with you every step of the way, okay?” He whispered and kissed his hand.

“I’m fine, John!” He huffed.

John smiled sadly and nodded, “Yeah, you always are, aren’t you?” He sighed and just snuggled up against him.

About an hour later the door opened and Sherlock stood up immediately, “Let go Mycroft! I can help her to her room!” He huffed and took her into his arms.

She smiled brightly up at him, but it was weak and that broke Sherlock's heart, “My big boy. Not little anymore.” Her smile saddened a bit, but it was still there.

Sherlock suddenly got a flash back to the first time he had introduced her to John.

_ “Mummy!! I have a friend who will be living with us!” Sherlock had yelled once they managed to get back to his house. He remembered feeling horrible about what had happened with John’s dad... his mother would know how to make it all better. She always did. _

_ Sherlock's mother started having a coughing fit and about dropped the fine china plate she was currently holding, “A friend…?” _

_ Sherlock had rolled his eyes, “Yes, a friend. His name is John.” _

_ Lily Holmes put down the plate she was currently holding and ran to her youngest child. She kissed him on the forehead and pulled him into a giant hug. “Oh, my baby’s finally found a friend!! Sherlock why didn’t you introduce me sooner!” She kept kissing the top of his head. _

_ “Mummy!” Sherlock squirmed out of her grip. He was extremely embarrassed and as red as a tomato, but he would give anything to go back to that moment... _

_ John snickered and smiled sweetly at Sherlock's mother. “I really hope I don’t intrude on your family… it’s just– well…” John looked down. _

_ Sherlock took his hand in his once more and looked at his mother. “John’s father kicked him out because he’s gay and now he doesn’t have anywhere to go.” John was angry with him for saying that... and he had an irrational fear that he would get kicked out again, but Sherlock knew that his mother wasn’t like that... he wanted to show John that not everyone was... he wanted John to have everything... even then. _

_ Lily looked from her son’s hand that was holding John's and then back up to his face. “Yes, he can stay here.” She was overjoyed that Sherlock had a friend and now it seemed as though Sherlock liked John more than a friend. This was a dream come true for her, especially since Sherlock showed no interest in people at all. John's head shot up with so much happiness in his eyes that Lily’s heart squeezed in her chest. _

_ “Thank you! Thank you so much! I promise I’ll be good and I’ll help you with anything you need help with!” John bounced up and down and he squeezed Sherlock's hand. Then it seemed like everything would last forever... but now it was ending. _

Sherlock shook his head and swallowed thickly. His heart hurt and he just wanted more time! He had practically ignored her in the years that he thought John was dead and that killed him.

“Hey...” She whispered softly, “I’m not angry for that... I love the time we got... you make me so proud, Sherlock. Please don’t regret lost time.”

He smiled sadly and wanted to cry, but not in front of his mother or John... and especially not Mycroft! “I love you Mummy...” He whispered quietly and kissed her head.

Her heart swelled and she closed her eyes, “I love you too, Sherlock.” She breathed.

He finally got her to her bedroom and tucked her in, “I’ll stay with you.” He smiled.

“I’m tired Sherlock... go be with John for right now. I’m okay... really.” She said softly.

He swallowed thickly, but nodded slowly, “Okay...” He said quietly and kissed her head. He brushed her hair back and then left.

He walked downstairs and sat next to John. Mycroft decided to put on a movie to try and get everyone’s mind off of what was actually happening.

Sherlock didn’t pay attention to the movie, his mind was wandering and he couldn’t make it stop. Everything hurt. Before he knew it the movie was over and John was nudging him, “Want to go to bed?” He asked softly.

Sherlock just nodded numbly and followed John to bedroom. They got ready for bed and John fell asleep almost instantly after saying goodnight. Sherlock couldn’t sleep at all. He slowly stood up and walked to his mother’s room. He climbed into bed with her and wrapped his arms around her.

She smiled in her sleep and mumbled something about her boys and then fell back into a deep slumber. Sherlock smiled softly and managed to fall asleep almost instantly.

~O~

Sherlock woke up the next morning and stretched a bit. He just laid there in bliss and stared at the wall for a moment. He decided he should probably get up and that his mother should probably take her medicine. He sat up and shook her gently, “Mummy, you have to take you medicine and then you can go back to sleep.” He smiled softly.

He waited a moment and frowned when she didn’t open her eyes. He nudged her a bit harder, “Mother... It’s morning... you need to take you pills...” He said in a shaky voice, but she still didn’t move. He took a deep breath and with shaking fingers and wet eyes he slowly curled his fingers around her wrist to check for a pulse... when there wasn’t one, he broke down.

He jerked her body and choked on a sob, “Mother!! Wake up! This isn’t funny!!” He cried and buried her face in her chest, but it was so cold... It wasn’t her at all.

“MYCROFT!!!!” He cried and kept screaming at his mother to wake up, but she didn’t. She never would.

Mycroft appeared in the door and swallowed hard, “Sherlock....”

Sherlock wasn’t listening, he couldn’t even hear. He never wanted to feel this way again, but now he was and he couldn’t take it. He jumped out of the bed and ran past Mycroft. He ran down the stairs and went outside to the garden. He went to the tulips and collapsed on the ground as he sobbed. Tears burned his cheeks and face and it was a bit cold, but he didn’t care. He screamed out into the world and grabbed a handful of the tulips and yanked them out of the dirt. He kept yanking the tulips out until there was practically nothing left of her garden. He kept crying and screaming and he felt so empty, but then there were hands on his shoulders and a voice telling him to stop.  _ John. _

He slowly pulled his hands out of the dirt and turned to face John. He buried his face into John's chest and kept crying, “It hurts so bad, John! Make it stop!! Please!!” He cried and cried until he just fell asleep in John’s arms.

~O~

John had brought Sherlock up to their room while he slept. He didn’t leave his side once, he couldn’t. He just laid down next to him and played with his hair softly as he slept.

Sherlock woke up a while later and sniffled some. He didn’t say anything, he just felt John playing with his hair. Slowly, he turned his head and looked up at John.

John smiled softly, “Hey... how are you?”

He looked away and didn’t answer the question, “I’ve noticed you like my hair...” He said changing the subject.

“What?” John frowned a bit.

“Like... when we have sex your hands are always buried in it... or when we are snuggling you’re always playing with it. Sometimes I catch you staring at it and other times you find excuses just to touch it in public.” He said quietly.

“Sorry... I’ll stop...” He swallowed and started to take his hand out of Sherlock's hair, but Sherlock brought his hand up and kept it there.

“No... I like it... I find it endearing.” He smiled softly and looked up at John again.

John rolled his eyes, “Maybe we should cut off a piece of your hair and put it in a locket that I can wear around my neck.” He huffed.

Sherlock was silent for a moment, but then smirked and stood up.

John groaned, “Sherlock I was joking! That’s weird!”

“I don’t think so... and then you can have something of mine to wear... I wear your dog tags every day and I never take them off... you can have my hair around your neck in a locket and no one will know what’s inside except for you...” He smiled some and started to put on his shoes.

“Sherlock I am not wearing your hair around my neck...” He sighed.

Sherlock whined and then looked down, “John please... I need to get my mind off my mother... Just – please...” He said quietly.

John's heart throbbed in his chest and he slowly stood up, “Okay...”

He smiled some and then went to hug him, “Thank you...” He whispered.

John smiled sadly and hugged him back, “You don’t need to thank me, my love. Now, let’s go.”

Sherlock nodded some and held his hand as they left the house.

~O~

They walked into the jewellery store and looked around. John picked up a necklace with a circle locket on it, “How about this one?” He hummed and Sherlock shook his head, “Well then...” He mumbled and put it down.

Sherlock kept looking around and then snickered, “This one!” He grinned brightly and held it out to John.

John took it and frowned, “Hell no.” He grumbled as he looked at the locket. It was a silver heart shaped locket with a chain. On the left side of the heart were the words ‘I love you’ written in cursive. On the right side was a little pink flower, it was very girly and John wasn’t going to be caught dead wearing this.

“John!!!” Sherlock whined and looked at him, “No one will even see it! You’ll wear it under your clothes! Please...” He pouted, “It will make me happy.”

John shuffled on his feet and then groaned, “Fine! Buy the damn necklace.” He huffed.

Sherlock grinned brightly and purchased the locket, “Now we cut off a piece of my hair!” He hummed and pulled out some scissors that he had brought with him. He handed them to John, “Here... you can do it.”

John choked on air and held the scissors in his hand, “Sherlock! I’m not going to cut your hair!”

“John! You’re literally only cutting like a couple of strands! You won’t even be able to notice!” He huffed.

John grumbled and slowly grabbed a small piece of Sherlock’s hair and then cut it. He whimpered and held the unattached hairs in his hand. He opened the locket and stuffed them inside and then shut it.

Sherlock grabbed the locket from him and then walked behind John. He put the locket around John’s neck and clasped the back together, “There.” He hummed.

John groaned some, “This is embarrassing.”

“You’ll learn to love it.” Sherlock smirked and started to walk out of the shop.

“Doubtful.” He grumbled. However, John already did love it and seeing Sherlock so happy after what had just happened made his heart swell.

~O~

About four days later it was time for the funeral. They had gone to the viewing the night before and Sherlock was a wreck. He had stayed next to his mother’s casket the whole time and would occasionally run his fingers through her hair. Even though she was dead she looked beautiful.

Sherlock wasn’t aware of how many people his mother had affected. There were so many people at the viewing and it seemed even double at the funeral. There were a lot of famous people, some of the other make-up artists his mother worked with... He had his extended family there as well, but Sherlock wasn’t paying attention to any of those things. He just wanted to be with his mother.

They got to the funeral and the family was ushered into a small room. This was the part Sherlock was dreading... at the viewing it was open and everyone could see her and it seemed like it would last that way forever, but now, here in this small room, Sherlock knew it was going to end.

Some guy came to the front of the room and stood right in front of the casket, “If you would like to say your last goodbyes to Lily Holmes please do so now.” Sherlock’s eyes swelled up with tears and he didn’t want it to end. He was going to close the casket and then she wouldn’t be able to breathe! He didn’t even know who this man was, but he didn’t like him!

Sherlock slowly walked up to her and leaned in to hug her. He had been so good at keeping it together in front of all of these peopled, but in that moment he knew that this would be the last time he could touch her. That he could smell her perfume... He choked on a sob and held her tighter, “It wasn’t supposed to end like this....” He whispered brokenly as he cried into her chest.

He could feel his cousins and aunts giving him looks of pity, but he didn’t care! He just wanted his mother back!

John swallowed and walked over to him. He wrapped his arms around Sherlock and kissed his back, letting him know that he was here, but never pulling him away from her.

Sherlock swallowed and then pulled away slightly. He leaned back in and kissed the top of her head, “Bye...” He whispered. He looked at the man and nodded once before walking a bit away from the casket and sitting down.

John sat next to him and held his hand tightly. He was always going to be there for Sherlock.

The man slowly closed the casket and Sherlock had to look away. He buried his face into John's shoulder and just focused on his breathing.

After that they had a nice little ceremony and it was Sherlock's turn to speak. He didn’t want to one bit, but he promised his mother he would. He slowly stood up and walked to the front of the church. He stood at the podium and adjusted the microphone. With shaking fingers, he slowly took out a piece of paper and then ripped it up, “See, I don’t need this.” He cleared his throat and looked at John because John helped him through all the hard times, “Some of you know me... some of you don’t, but what you should know is that I do not speak in front of people and I certainly don’t poor my heart out to people. I’m a rude, arrogant, little shit. That being said... this is what my mother wanted and God help me if I’m not going to try and give her everything she wanted.”

He paused for a moment, searching for his words, “Mother always wanted what was best for me and though we didn’t see eye to eye I think she eventually got what she wished for... And then we lost it, but now it’s back and, if I’m not mistaken, it’s here to stay...” He looked at John and swallowed thickly.

John nodded slowly and smiled at him. Sherlock was able to let out a breath of relief and then continued on, “Apparently my mother impacted more lives than I ever thought she would – not that I didn’t think her capable, but I didn’t get to see her a lot... I wasn’t aware of how many friends she actually had, but now looking out into the crowd I’m starting to realise what an amazing woman my mother was.

“My boyfriend about had a heart attack earlier when he saw that Hugh Grant was here. So thanks for almost killing my boyfriend at my mother’s funeral.” He said dryly and for some reason people chuckled, even though he was serious.

“I’m not going to stand up here and tell stories about my mother because frankly I don’t think any of you, except for John, are worthy of hearing them.” John cleared his throat loudly and Sherlock glared at him. “John is getting mad at me so I suppose I should change the subject now... My mother believed in angels and how once we die we become an angel... That our sole purpose in life now is to help the people that need the most help.

“I don’t really know how I feel about that, but if that’s what she believed and that’s what she wanted then that is where I will imagine that she is...” He paused for a moment and looked down, “And she would make the best angel...” He whispered and couldn’t take it anymore. He nodded out into the crowd and then walked down from the podium and went back to sit by John. John wrapped his arms around him and the two of them listened to the rest of the ceremony.

After all the talks it was time to take her to be buried. Sherlock stood next to the grave and watched as they lowered her into the ground. He closed his eyes and felt the air swirl around him. It seemed that he had no more tears to cry and that killed him.

Once they had lowered her Sherlock's phone had buzzed and he pulled it out. He frowned at the unknown number and opened the text.

_ Dear me Mr. Holmes. That was quite the speech. I’m sure mummy would be so proud. Sure, mummy’s death was hard on you, but it will be nothing compared to what I have in store for you. Get some sleep, love. Tomorrow is a brand new day. Kisses! xxx   
-M _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So i have attended eight funerals in the past year, all from close family members.... so i was going off how my funerals have worked... though i live in Utah and everyone that has died, except for two (The father and the daughter), has been Mormon... and though the father and the daughter weren't Mormon they had Mormon people plan their funeral... so i suppose that was the Mormon way of going about it because i don't know how funerals go when you aren't Mormon... 
> 
> i did take out like the songs and the prayers and testimonies and shit, but yeah... i felt like it was nice way to go about it (: Though it was heartbreaking.
> 
> JoKe oF tHe ChApTeR:  
> Husband: "How would you describe me?"  
> Wife: "ABCDEFGHIJK"  
> Husband: "What does that mean?"  
> Wife: "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fashionable, Gorgeous, and Hot."  
> Husband: "What does IJK mean?"  
> Wife: "I'm Just Kidding."
> 
> I chuckled. bwahah!!
> 
> DEUCES!


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYYYYYE!!!!! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY I HAVE BEEN GONE!!! But we got a cruise for Christmas so that is where i have been mwhahah!!! i met this British lady who worked on the boat and she told me about how i should apply for these things called holiday parks and i looked them up and they look so banging but I'm American so i don't know if i could do that and i emailed them and they never replied.... that's so sad to me!!
> 
> AND THEN I THOUGHT I WOULD APPLY TO BE A FLIGHT ATTENDANT BECAUSE HOW FUCKING COOL WOULD THAT BE?? BUT YOU HAVE TO BE 21 AND I DON'T TURN 21 UNTIL JULY UGHHHH 
> 
> i have a really important story to say but I'll write it at the bottom!!!
> 
> enjoy the story!
> 
> Oh!! Also there are two quotes in here that i took! One is from Doctor Who and the other is from Third Star! Damn i love that movie!

 

After the funeral Sherlock kept getting texts. At first they were just empty threats, but then they started to get more in depth.

A month after his mother passed the texts started to say where Sherlock was and what he was doing. That he couldn't hide from the man who was harassing him and that they would find him no matter where Sherlock decided to go or hide. Sherlock never replied and he never told John, but that just made the mysterious sender angry.

He started to pull away from John – from everyone. No matter what John did he couldn't do anything to help Sherlock and that killed him.

One night the two of them were sitting in the living room. Sherlock was staring into space holding a pocket knife in his hands.

John frowned a bit, "I don't remember you buying a pocket knife..." He looked at Sherlock and waited for him to reply, but when he didn't John sighed, "Sherlock... I know this is hard... Your mother meant everything to you and I get that, but you can't get through this if you don't let me in... Let me soften the pain... Let me help you." He whispered.

Still Sherlock didn’t say anything for a long while and John gave up. A couple of minutes later Sherlock's phone vibrated and Sherlock practically jumped out of his skin.

_You're pulling away from him, Sherly. Is that because you don't love him anymore or afraid I'm going to hurt him? I'm going to hurt him anyway – so get used to it.  
-M _

Sherlock swallowed thickly and pocketed his phone again.

That was another thing that was worrying John... He wouldn't leave his phone just lying around. He always had it and whenever he got a text he jumped and got a pained look on his face. He wouldn't even let John touch the phone without yelling at him, "Sherlock, can you answer me a question?" Sometimes John just touched the phone to get a rise out of Sherlock because anger was better than being ignored.

Nothing.

John sighed and asked him anyway, "Are you cheating on me?" He whispered.

Sherlock's eyes flew opened and he swallowed hard. He shook his head and looked conflicted, but didn't say anything. John was saying something, but Sherlock's phone buzzed again and there was just a ringing in his ears. He looked at the words on the screen and clenched his phone tighter.

_Better answer him, love. You might hurt his feelings!  
-M _

"SHUT UP!!!!" Sherlock screamed and glared at the wall.

John's mouth snapped shut and he nodded slowly.

Sherlock swallowed and then stood up and ran out of the house. He was terrified and he didn't want to tell John. He could fix this.

He walked down the road a bit when something pulled Sherlock into an alley. He flinched and then got pushed against wall.

"Hello, love." A slimy voice whispered from the shadows. “I thought you would never come out of that home of yours.”

Sherlock whimpered and tried to wiggle away, “What do you want?”

The man blinked a bit and then glared at him, “You... obviously. Don’t be so dull. Really, I thought this would be fun, but so far you have been quite predictable.” He huffed and pushed him harder against the wall.

Sherlock gasped and squeezed his eyes shut, “You said you wanted John...”

“No, I want to destroy John – and you... there is a difference. Now, here is what you are going to do. You’re going to go back home and pretend like nothing is wrong. You’re doing a shit job, Sherlock and I’m not happy. And trust me you don’t want to see me unhappy. And actually you not even remembering who I am is making me quite upset, Sherlock.”

Sherlock blinked rapidly and looked at the man, really looked. His eyes widened in shock and his mouth dropped a bit, “Jim...”

The man slowly let him go and then smirked, “James Moriarty, actually... but I think I like Moriarty better than Jim or James. God, I hate my first name, but you already knew that.” He hummed, “I’ll see you around, Sherlock.” He gave a toothy grin and then walked away.

Sherlock took a shaky breath and then slowly walked back to his flat. He hadn’t ever told John about his time with Jim... When John was in the army he and Jim had been friends... until Jim went crazy and randomly disappeared. Sherlock thought that that would be the end of him, but apparently not.

He opened the door and walked inside. He hated this – he hated that he didn’t know what this man was capable of doing to him... Sherlock walked right up to John and kissed his head softly, “I’m sorry...” He said quietly.

John sighed and then looked up at him. He put a small smile on his face and shook his head once, “I know you didn’t mean it... I just – I don’t really know how to support you Sherlock... how to comfort you... I know you’re mother’s death is having a big effect on you, but let me help...” He said softly.

Sherlock nodded slowly, “Okay... can we go to bed?”

John nodded back and stood up, “Yes, of course. Just let me get ready and I’ll meet you in there.”

Sherlock hummed and went to the bedroom. He got dressed and then laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling. John came in a little while later and slid into the bed. The mattress dipped and then John’s arms were wrapped around Sherlock. John hummed happily and kissed his neck softly. He pulled away and then rested his head against Sherlock's chest.

“Night,” John said softly.

Sherlock was silent for a long moment and he was afraid that John had already fallen asleep, but he spoke anyway. “John..?” He whispered.

John grunted sleepily, letting Sherlock know he was listening, but too tired to actually say words.

“Will you promise me something...?”

John kept his eyes closed, but nodded against his chest, “Of course.”

“If something ever happened to me... if I wasn’t here anymore, would you stay here... would you keep going – for me?”

John sat up immediately and looked at him with hurt eyes, “Sherlock, I know this is hard for you, but suicide is never the answer! Don’t you dare do that... or – or I don’t think I could forgive you...”

Sherlock blinked rapidly and sat up as well, “No... no! Not – I’m not suicidal, John... just.... I have a dangerous job... one day I might not come home and I just don’t want you to follow me... promise me that no matter what happens... you won’t.”

John was silent for a moment and then swallowed thickly, “I can’t make that promise....” He whispered as his hand came up to hold the locket that was wrapped around his neck. He did that when he was under stress.

“John!” He snapped, “You have to!”

“What if the roles were reversed, Sherlock...? They _have been_ reversed and you almost didn’t make it...” He sniffled.

“Yes, but I did...” He breathed. “And if the roles were reversed now... I would stay... I wouldn’t try it...”

John looked down and fiddled with his locket. He honestly didn’t think he would be able to survive without Sherlock, but he also didn’t think anything would happen unless Sherlock made it happen. He took a shaky breath and nodded slowly, “Yes, okay...” He whispered.

Sherlock let out a breath of relief and then kissed his lips softly.

John hummed and ran his hands up Sherlock's arm and into his hair. He heard Sherlock chuckle softly and that just warmed his heart. After a while John felt a tugging at his shirt. He bit Sherlock's lip softly and then pulled away so that Sherlock could take off his shirt.

Sherlock took it off and threw it on the floor somewhere. He just wanted John. He didn’t know how much longer he had with the boy and that pained him. He wanted to be as close to him as possible. Sherlock took off his own shirt and then pressed their bare chests together. He whimpered softly and hooked a finger under the waistband of John's pants.

John kissed down his neck and to his chest before shimmying out of his pants.

Sherlock hummed softly and then gasped when John grabbed the waistband of Sherlock's pants with his teeth and then let go, so that they snapped back against his skin. He whined and thrusted his hips into John's face.

John chuckled softly, “So impatient.” He smirked and then bent down and started mouthing at Sherlock half hard, clothed prick.

Sherlock was going to say something, but as soon as John started doing naughty things to him, he forgot everything and just closed his eyes and whined.

John hummed when he felt Sherlock get harder. He licked up the clothed shaft and put the head into his mouth. He sucked softly as his hands moved up and down Sherlock's chest before settling on Sherlock's dog tags, holding them in his hand.  

Sherlock rolled his hips some and tangled one hand in John's hair, while the other hand held John hand that was holding onto the dog tags around his neck.

John kept sucking Sherlock slowly until Sherlock was pushing at him, “John! John! I’m going – I need a little rest...” He groaned and then John pulled away.

John chuckled softly when Sherlock whined out of disappointment, “Hey now, you are the one who wanted me to stop. No whining.” He hummed and kissed his lips softly.

After a moment Sherlock sat up and took off his wet pants, so that they were both hard and naked. Sherlock rolled over and then climbed on top of John. He straddled him and then rolled his hips a couple of times and groaned.

John gasped and his breathing stuttered. He didn’t realise how badly he wanted to be touched until Sherlock touched him.

Sherlock smirked some because he loved it when that happened. He laid down on top of John and kissed him softly as he rocked his hips back and forth.

John moved with him and held him incredibly close as they kissed. It felt amazing and John wouldn’t change one thing about it.

Sherlock knew he wouldn’t be able to last for long. He pulled away from John’s lips and buried his face into his neck while they moved. He moaned loudly and then came all over John's stomach and his own.

John shivered and thrusted five more times before coming as well. He whimpered and just laid in bed limply, “That was brilliant – you are brilliant.” He hummed.

Sherlock smiled softly and then stood up and went to go get a rag. He never did that with Brian, but with John it was different. He wanted to please John – always.

He cleaned the both of them up and then they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

~O~

The next morning John woke up before Sherlock and just laid in bed next to him. He kept his eyes closed and sighed when he heard a buzzing sound. He was curious... of course he was curious! But it was an invasion of Sherlock's privacy. However, the phone kept buzzing and Sherlock didn’t look like he was going to answer it. He sighed and reached over to grab the phone. He laid back and unlocked it and then his eyes widened in horror.

_You shouldn’t have done that Sherlock. That talk that you had with John last night. Ha! You think a talk is going to save his – or your – life? Well, you’re more clueless than I thought you were.  
-M _

_Time’s up Sherlock. It’s time to play our little game and one of us isn’t going to come out of it alive. I’ll give you a little hint. It’s you.  
-M _

_Okay so that wasn’t little, but you’re a bit slow. I had to spell it out for you. Enjoy your last days, Sherlock! Kisses! xxx  
-M _

John scrolled up and read all of the messages that had been sent to him. Sherlock hadn’t deleted any of them and by the end of reading them all John had to run to the bathroom and throw up. Once he was finished he walked back out to the bedroom and then to the kitchen. He called Garrett and Mycroft and then walked back into the bedroom and started to pack.

He pulled out his phone and sent Claire a quick text.

_Hey Claire! Just letting you know that me and Sherlock are going to go on holiday for a while. You know... to get away. See you when we get back!_

He clenched his jaw and then continued packing. Sherlock was still sleeping by the time Garrett and Mycroft came over and into the room, “Ready?” Garrett said at the same time that Mycroft growled: “Let me see!”

John sighed and handed Mycroft the phone as he went over to the naked Sherlock, “Wake up.” He said softly.

Sherlock groaned and batted him away.

“Nope, wake up.” Sherlock huffed and then opened his eyes. He blinked out the sleep and then his eyes snapped opened more and his blood went cold, “What are they doing here....” He said in a small voice.

John sighed, “We’re going to a safe house, Sherlock. And I’m not happy with you, but I’m coming with you. I’ve already packed.”

Sherlock swallowed thickly and stood up, not caring that he was naked in front of Garrett or his brother. He slowly started to get dressed and just didn’t say anything. He was planning.

Eventually they left and went to the safe house. No one said anything and Mycroft was livid. He could barely look at Sherlock, but he wasn’t angry with Sherlock... he was angry with himself. He should have been there more for Sherlock. One thing was for certain though... This so called ‘M’ would not be getting away with this.

They arrived at a cute little cottage out in the middle of nowhere. Sherlock sighed and walked inside. It was a really nice house, but he didn’t want to hide out here! He wanted to go back to Baker Street. However, they were all right... it wasn’t safe there and Sherlock didn’t think it was safe here either.

Sherlock flopped down on the couch and then Mycroft came up to him and handed him back his phone, “If he texts you again, Sherlock, I need to know. Do you understand me?” He narrowed his eyes and Sherlock huffed and nodded. Mycroft let out a small breath and then walked towards the front door, “Okay... Detective Inspector Garrett and I will be back later...” He waited for a reply, but when there wasn’t one he sighed and walked out of the house.

Garrett followed him.

~O~

They ended up staying there for three days before John got a call. Sherlock hadn’t even moved from the couch, except for when he had to pee. John sighed and answered his phone, “Hello?” He was silent for a minute and then his face dropped, “Oh my–“ He choked out and swallowed, “No! I’ll be there in a minute just – fuck!” He hung up and threw on his coat as he grabbed some shoes, “Sherlock, we’re going.” He said gravely.

“No.” He stated.

“Sherlock! Claire’s been shot! Of course we’re going!”

“Again... no.” He huffed and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Sherlock!!! Claire is our friend what do you mean ‘no’? She’s dying, Sherlock! Do you not care about that at all?”

“Caring isn’t an advantage. I don’t grow physically attached to people. I don’t care if she’s dying. Alone is what I have! It protects me, John! And I’m sorry if you have a problem with that!” He snapped.

John clenched his jaw and glared daggers at him, “Right. Sod this. How can you fucking care about anything? You’re a machine. Can’t believe I ever thought any differently. And for the record... friends protect people.” He growled and shook his head, “Stay here.” He opened the door and then left.

Sherlock took a shaky breath and waited a few minutes before leaving too, but to the roof top of Barts.

~O~

Sherlock walked up to the roof and shut the door, “So... here I am.” He said and walked closer to the mad man.

The man hummed, “Here you are.” He looked him up and down and then licked his lips, “We would have been so good together, but you chose him.”

Sherlock growled, “You knew I was taken the moment you met me! Don’t give me that shit!”

Moriarty rolled his eyes and walked around him, “Always so dramatic. He was away in the army, Sherlock. He wouldn’t have known, but the past is in the past and now we’re going to play a new game.” He narrowed his eyes and stepped up close to Sherlock, so that their chests were practically touching.

“And what would that be?” Sherlock growled.

“Would you rather... live in a world without John Watson, or live in a world without yourself... though technically you wouldn’t be living in it... everyone else would.” He hummed.

“You already know the answer to that.” He clenched his jaw.

“Ah, that I do. Which is why you’re going to commit suicide... that will destroy John and kill you at the same time. I see a win-win in this situation.” He smirked and walked towards the edge.

Sherlock swallowed hard.

“Plus, you two didn’t end on a good note... I’m rather excited. You jump. John lives a miserable life, until he inevitably breaks your promise. Or you stay... and you watch John get shot in the head. Your choice.” Moriarty growled. “Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones, but you still have to choose.” He said lowly.

Sherlock swallowed hard and stared at him, “I don’t think so. You’re going to leave me alone.”

“OR WHAT?” Moriarty snapped and rounded on Sherlock.

Sherlock narrowed his eyes and looked down at him, “Tell me, _Jim_... Why are you doing this?”

Moriarty’s jaw clenched and he slowly ran a hand up Sherlock’s chest, “Boredom I suppose. You have to make a choice, Sherlock.” He smirked and ran his hand up to cup Sherlock’s cheek, “Because I’m certainly not going to stop it.”

Sherlock swallowed and pulled away from him. He walked to the edge and looked down; people were walking on the pavement at the bottom, unsuspecting.

Sherlock closed his eyes and told John he was sorry in his head over and over again, but John would never hear that. He slowly stepped up onto the ledge and then his eyes snapped open and he stepped back down. He ran to Moriarty who glared at him.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” He snapped.

“I don’t have to jump and John doesn’t have to die! You said so yourself that you’re not going to do it... which means they can be stopped! James! I can give you whatever you want, just don’t do this!” He hissed.

A slow smile spread across Moriarty’s face, “See, but you’re missing something. I wasn’t planning on walking away from this alive. I was going to follow you, love.”

Sherlock blinked, “What... I don’t understand...” That made no sense... James Moriarty loved tormenting people and he would never give into suicide – or the Moriarty he knew wouldn’t, but Sherlock supposed times had changed.

Moriarty’s face twitched and he glared at him, “Of course you don’t. You never do. Let me break it down for you. I want to die, but I don’t want to die until I have destroyed yours and John’s life. So before I die you must jump, or watch him die. I don’t really care which, but one must happen.”

“But why do you want to die!” Sherlock choked out, “Whatever is wrong... suicide isn’t the answer and it will get better. You don’t have to do this and I really don’t even see how John and I come into play! What did he ever do to you?”

“HE KILLED SEBASTIAN!!!” Moriarty screamed and tears started to form in his eyes. Sherlock suspected they were angry tears.

Sherlock frowned some, “Who’s Sebastian?” He whispered softly.

“It doesn’t matter who he was!” Moriarty snapped, “He was shot in the chest and brought back to camp where they were supposed to save him! Only they didn’t and he died and you want to know who the fuck was working on saving his life? Your precious John! And he failed!”

Sherlock took a deep breath and nodded slowly, “We can get through this, okay? I’ll help you, but you have to call everything off.”

He let out a bark of laughter and then pulled out a gun, “It’s too late.” He said gravely and then shot himself in the head. Moriarty collapsed to the ground and the blood started to trickle out.

Sherlock's eyes widened and he swallowed hard before screaming and kicking the dead the body in front of him. He took a shaky breath and he knew what he had to do, but he didn’t want to one bit.

He walked up to the ledge just as his phone started to ring. He slowly pulled it out of his pocket and answered it, “Hello?”

“Sherlock?? Oh god! You’re okay!” John said in relief. “I’m coming in, okay?”

Sherlock looked down and frowned when he saw John running inside, “How did you find me?”

“Mycroft put a tracking device on your phone! When I found out that Claire wasn’t really shot I called him and he told me you were here. God, you’re a bastard!”

“John...” Sherlock whispered, “Don’t come in... stay where you are... and – look up.”

John stopped walking and looked up slowly, but what he saw broke his heart, “Sherlock... no...”

Sherlock took a deep breath and nodded slowly, even though he knew John wouldn’t be able to see that.

“Sherlock!” John snapped into the phone when he didn’t answer, “This isn’t funny! Get down from there...”

“And this isn’t a joke, John.” He said sadly.

“Nope. No. You – no. I’m coming up there.” John stumbled with his words and then started to walk inside again.

“NO! Stay exactly where you are!” Sherlock growled.

John stopped walking immediately and looked back up, “Okay...” He whispered.

Sherlock swallowed some and was silent for a moment, “John... You have to tell me that you are going to keep your promise...”

John's eyes widened and he shook his head, “No. I won’t so don’t you fucking dare do this to me!”

Sherlock swallowed hard, “With – with my mother’s death... and my stalker... I can’t handle it. I just can’t do it anymore, John... please understand this...”

John clenched his jaw, “I told you that suicide was never the answer, Sherlock! So no. If you jump I’m going to march right up on that roof and follow you. You told me once a very long time ago that the only reason you never succeeded before is because you refused to let them win! So why are you letting them win now when I’m here to help you!”

“IT’S DIFFERENT NOW! You made a promise, John!” He growled. “You promised me that if something ever happened to me you would never try! You can’t break that promise!”

“Sherlock! You can’t–“ But Sherlock cut him off.

“PROMISE ME, JOHN!!!” He screamed into the phone.

John swallowed hard and nodded, “Okay... I promise...”

Sherlock choked on a sob and tried to stop the tears, but they kept pouring out of his eyes, “Good...” He whispered. “You don’t have to be sad about this, John... I’m ready... Just – remember that you were loved by me and that you made my life a happy one. And there’s no tragedy in that.”

John choked and collapsed to the ground on his knees. He kept crying and he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“Please... would you do this for me...?” Sherlock whispered.

John opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t find his voice so he tried again, “Do what...” He said and he wasn’t even sure if Sherlock could hear him.

“Tell Mycroft that I actually do care for him...”

“Why...” John said back, refusing to accept that this was actually happening.

“This phone call... it’s – umm – it’s my note. That’s what people do, don’t they? Leave a note.”

“Leave a note when?” John’s voice cracked, but he didn’t care.

Sherlock’s heart broke at the sound of that. His John was hurting so much and he knew that if he were to talk to him any longer he wouldn’t jump, but he couldn’t risk that. John would die because he would have been too much of a coward. He had no other choice... so he closed his eyes slowly and took a shaky breath as he whispered the next words, “Goodbye, John...” He said as firmly as he could and then threw his phone behind him.

“Sher–“ John’s voice gave out and he just stared up at the roof.

Sherlock swallowed hard as he looked at John who was standing on the pavement. He slowly leaned forward and fell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well fuck.
> 
> ANYWAY HERE IS THE IMPORTANT STORY!!
> 
> So after the cruise we went to Universal Studios for two days (the one in Orlando) and all my sister wanted was a leather bracelet with her name carved in it because apparently everyone has one and those are "in" right now.... let me tell you i bought one in Disney World two years ago so i was ahead of the game!
> 
> anyway!! We get there and I'm like "Holy shit i should get one that says 'johnlock' on it...." so i said "Mom!!! Can i get one that says johnlock!!!" My parents are super homophobic... well not super... just a little bit but its still there, but luckily my dad was far away and couldn't hear and my mother has no idea what johnlock is.... still she said no and i fucking begged her!! and she said no so i gave up... but then the worker (She was like a girl who was around my age) came out from the glass and was like "Did you just say johnlock?? o.o" And i was like YES!!!!!! and she died and so then i was like I HAVE TO GET IT!!! so i convinced my mom FINALLY and i went up to the girl and was like "Should you carve a smiley face on it???" And shes like "I don't know -- oh!!! you're necklace! i can do that!!" I ALWAYS WEAR THIS NECKLACE OKAY??? but it says "A game is afoot -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle" and then at the bottom it has a silhouette of Sherlock with his hat and his pipe. SO I TOOK MY NECKLACE OFF AND GAVE IT TO HER AND SHE WROTE JOHNLOCK ON THE BRACELET AND DREW THE SILHOUETTE AND OH MY FUCK IT IS SO AMAZING!!! LIKE SO SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! and she took a picture of it after words because who the fuck wouldnt??? and damn i wish i got her name.... but yeah we bonded over johnlock so if she is reading this i love you and it is i! Whitney!
> 
> also if you want to see the bracelet you can go to my instagram! Which is two_hearts_one_ship heh. obvi.
> 
> jOkE oF tHe ChApTeR:  
> Q: What do calendars eat?  
> A: DATES!!! boo boom cha!
> 
> alright! Until next time bitches!
> 
> DEUCES!!!


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. AM. SO. SORRY!!!! I feel so awful and I really have no excuse except for I was just fucking lazy from work. But working at Walmart is literally the worst job in the world.. or the one i work at anyway... plus i sort of had a slight writers block.. but its okay now!!!! I hope you enjoy this rather sad Chapter...

John stared up in horror as he watched his best friends – and lovers – body fall down to the ground. The sound of the body smacking against the pavement was deafening, even from so far away. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and the weight that was crushing down on him was almost unbearable. He stood up from where he was kneeling and started running to the younger man.

Once he got there he collapsed next to him and grabbed his wrist softly, “Sherlock.... Sherlock please...” He whispered quietly. Nurses were trying to pull him away, but he couldn’t hear or see anything besides Sherlock. He screamed in anger when he couldn’t find a pulse. This wasn’t happening! Him and Sherlock were supposed to grow old together! He felt like he couldn’t breathe, but yet he couldn’t cry at the same time. He just slowly bent down and rested his head on Sherlock’s chest. However, it didn’t even last a second before the nurses were tugging him away. He settled for nuzzling his face into the nurse’s chest as he watched Sherlock's lifeless body. It felt like this wasn’t really happening, that he would wake from this awful nightmare. He would be sleeping next to Sherlock and he would wake him up just so he could cry into his neck while the younger man held him... but the longer he sat there watching his best friend the more reality set in. That this was actually happening – and he wasn’t going to wake up ever.

Eventually, everyone was gone and John was left sitting on the pavement by himself. He slowly reached up to his neck and wrapped his hand around the locket that he never took off. He wanted to yank it off and throw it away and never see it again, but... he didn’t because that was all that he had left of Sherlock. Sure, he had what was at the flat, but all of those things seemed so meaningless compared to the locket that was around his neck.

As darkness started to creep up John slowly pulled out his mobile and called Claire.

“Hello, John!” Claire sung happily, the sound made John feel sick. “I thought you were on holiday? Are you back already?”

“Come pick me up.” He said with no emotion whatsoever, “I’m at St. Barts.”

She blinked some, “John, I can’t right now... I’m working.”

John didn’t say anything. He couldn’t because if he did he knew he would break.

“Hello? John?” She frowned and looked down at the phone to see if they were still connected.

“Sherlock’s dead.” He took a calming breath and closed his eyes as he counted to ten.

Her heart dropped and she was silent for a minute, “I’m sorry..?”

“Don’t you fucking dare make me say it again.” He snapped.

And just like that she realised that this was real and all of this was happening. She dropped the phone and ran out of the pub as fast as she could.

~O~

John walked into their – his – flat and slowly sat down in his chair. He stared at the wall and didn’t say anything.

Claire swallowed thickly and went to make some tea. She didn’t know what else to do and at the moment she felt useless. Soon the tea was done and she walked over back to John. She set it down next to him and went to sit in Sherlock’s chair, but the look John gave her made her think better about it. She moved to the couch instead.

They didn’t say anything for a long moment, but eventually Claire spoke up, “I’m going to stay the night, okay?”

John's jaw clenched and he just stood up and went to his room, slamming the door.

She sighed and just went to sleep on the couch.

~O~

The next day there was a knock at the door. Claire waited for John to get up and answer it, but when it was obvious he wasn’t going to she sighed and went to the door.

She blinked some when she saw a man she didn’t recognise standing there, “Oh, hello... I’m Claire and John is currently unavailable.” She smiled tightly.

The man sighed, “I’m aware of the situation... My name is Inspector Garrett... I just came by to give John this...” He swallowed hard and held up Sherlock's long coat.

Claire took a shaky breath and slowly took it from him, “I’ll give it to John...” She whispered.

The Detective Inspector nodded slowly and after a moments hesitation he began to speak again, "How is he..."

Claire nodded slowly, knowing this question would probably come up, "As you would expect... Did he –  did he watch it happen..." She closed her eyes and prayed that he hadn't. John didn't tell her what happened, but it was all over the news... Everywhere they went it seemed like he was still there, but he really wasn’t.

Garrett's voice sounded strangled as he spoke, "Yes." 

Claire wanted to cry, but she also knew that doing so wouldn't help the situation.

"He was on the phone with him... Right before it happened... I think he was trying to convince him not to, but obviously it didn't help -- Christ! I've been with these boys since they were sixteen... I can't believe–" He cut himself off because he could feel his throat tightening. 

"You can come in and see him if you would like?" Claire spoke up, and for that the DI was grateful.

He nodded slowly and sighed, "Maybe another day... I don't think I can handle it at the moment."

She nodded as well and held the coat tightly in her hands, "I understand..." 

He let out a breath of air he didn't realise he had been holding and then just turned around and left without another word. 

Claire sighed as she shut the door. She walked back up the stairs and went into the flat. John was still in his room and she suspected he wouldn't be coming out for a while. She walked to the door and gently knocked and when she didn't hear an answer she just pushed herself right in.

John was currently under the covers, with just his face poking out. He was staring at the wall and trying to find sleep, but every time he closed his eyes he thought of Sherlock and it hurt so much...

"John..." She whispered quietly and walked over until she was sat on the edge of the bed. "I have something for you..."

John wasn't going to look... Wasn't going to answer, but his curiosity got the best of him. He slowly turned his head and his breath hitched. "Why do you have that..." He whispered. 

"Detective Inspector Garrett brought it over... He thought that you would want it..."

John swallowed and nodded slowly. He reached out and grabbed it and then put it on. John buried his face into the lapels and choked on a sob. It still smelled like him and it was too much, but not enough at the same time. He looked up at Claire with watery eyes, "I miss him so much... And it hasn't even been a full day yet..."

"Death is a funny thing... Isn't it?" She whispered and then laid down next to John and hugged him to her. 

John just buried his face into her chest and wanted to cry, but nothing came out. And that made him angry because he hadn't cried once... He felt like by not crying it meant he didn't care, but he cared so much so he didn't understand. He just sighed and held onto her and eventually sleep claimed him.

~O~

A week passed and it was time for the funeral. John didn't want to go, but Claire and Garrett made him. He didn't go to the viewing so he figured he could at least go to this. Plus, Mycroft had put him down to speak and he hated the man for that.

Once they got there John took a seat in an area where no one was. However, it didn't last long. Soon Claire, Garrett, and Zach were sitting next to him. The funeral passed by in a blur. He wasn't listening and he wasn't paying attention. He almost forgot where he was until someone was nudging at him. He looked up at Zach, who then nodded his head towards the front. Oh.... Right... He had to speak. He slowly stood up and walked to the front of the crowd. 

A wave of emotions washed over John as he realised he was just at a funeral... Only Sherlock was the one up in front and John was the one in the audience. They were here for Sherlock's mother and now just John was here for Sherlock. He swallowed down the thought and looked at his feet, "Sherlock bloody Holmes was an arsehole. He was rude and arrogant and nobody liked him. I didn't even like him... At first anyway, but that's because I hated him before I even got to know him... And I think that that's why everybody hated him... Because they didn't get the chance to know him, or maybe, just maybe... It was because he never let them in... Either way... Even though he was the rudest person I think I had ever had the fortune of meeting... He was also the kindest... The most thoughtful... The most loving...." He trailed off and just sort of forgot where he was. "And now he's fucking gone. Because he decided to be selfish! There was a time in my life when I told him I would be able to forgive him for anything that he would ever do, but I simply will _never_ forgive him for this!" He spat and then reached his hand up to the necklace he never took off, the necklace that had a piece of Sherlock in it, the necklace that was a part of their love. He wrapped his fingers around the heart and yanked it off of his neck. He looked down at it in his hands and only then did he realise he was crying. A drop of water landed right on the heart and his own heart broke. He looked up at the sky and clenched his jaw. 

"You know. It's sunny right now. It should be grey and raining, but... It's fucking sunny." He paused for a moment because he didn't know what else to say. He just clenched his fingers around the necklace in his hands and took a shaky breath. He didn't want to talk highly of Sherlock because he was angry with him, so incredibly angry that he couldn't see straight. He just wanted the stupid man to come back alive so he could punch his face in! But that wouldn't happen and John knew that. He sighed and shook his head for a moment, "Just... Wherever he is... I hope he's happy... I hope he found that happiness that he deserved. The happiness that I couldn't give him – or the drugs... Or anything he had done to finally feel happy. So... I just hope he's happy." He swallowed hard and then walked back to his seat. 

The rest of the funeral passed and then John watched as they lowered the grave into the ground. He was angry that he didn't even get to see him... They usually let families see the body even if it's a closed casket funeral, but John didn't get to. He supposed it was because he wasn't family, but Mycroft didn't get to either. It didn't matter though... He couldn't bear looking at that face again without breaking and he had been so good not to break yet, a couple of tear drops didn’t count as breaking.

He stood there watching and soon everyone was gone. John couldn't take it anymore he started running. He ran and ran until he felt like he couldn't run anymore, but not from exhaustion... Because he had finally broke. He collapsed on the ground and started heaving in breaths of air as he let out strangled sobs. He wrapped his hand tighter around the necklace and then threw it, "I HATE YOU!!!" He screamed as he cried into the grass. "I hate you! I hate you. I hate you......" He whimpered and stayed there until everything went dark and he was alone.

~O~

It hadn’t been easy... No, it hadn’t been easy at all, but watching the funeral had been unbearable. Sherlock leaned against the tree trunk and wanted to run up to John. He wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be alright... but it wasn’t. And Sherlock knew that by doing what he was doing things might not ever be the same again and that killed him. He also knew that there was no way around this and if he wanted John to be safe, he had no other option.

He watched as John had his breakdown on the grass and with each word that John screamed his heart broke a little more. He stayed behind the tree trunk until John was gone and then slowly he went over and grabbed the locket that John had thrown. He placed it in his pocket and then walked away. He had a mission to accomplish and the faster he could do that, the faster he could go home.

~O~

A couple of months passed and John was slipping further and further into depression. The bottle of whisky in the cupboard always looked so tempting, but he would not fall into that like his father and sister did. He was stronger than that and he wasn’t going to cave just because he watched Sherlock die.

Most of his days he just sat in Sherlock's chair, curled up in Sherlock's coat. Everything hurt and he felt like he was drowning and then one day.... he caved. He stood up from where he was sitting – where he always sat – and went to the cupboard. He got down the whisky and poured himself a glass and then just stared at it. He hadn’t done it yet there was still time to change his mind.

John knew that going down this path was not good, but he didn’t know what else to do... and he tried. He had been trying so fucking hard, but it wasn’t working and everything still hurt. So, he sat in the darkness of his flat as he got drunker and drunker.

 _“John...”_ A voice whispered.

John's head snapped up to see a very blurry Sherlock sitting across from him. He squinted his eyes and then just started sobbing, “Sh-Sherlock...” He whimpered and tried to walk towards the blurry figure but he was too far gone and just fell down on the ground. “I’ve missed you so much....” He sniffled.

_“Oh grow up,” Sherlock growled. “You’re always so needy it’s fucking annoying.”_

John just cried harder, “No!! You left me...”

_“Yes, I did. I killed myself because I honestly couldn’t live with you anymore and no matter where I went you would have followed me.” He huffed._

“So you killed yourself because of me!!” He choked out.

_“Obviously.” He rolled his eyes, “The fact that you didn’t know that is rather pathetic really... and actually the years you were ‘dead’ were the happiest days of my life. Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.” He smirked darkly at John._

John started sobbing at that point. He squeezed his eyes closed and shook his head, “N-no!! You don’t mean that!!” He cried.

_“Oh I certainly do. Now go to sleep, John. And though you may hope that you won’t wake up I know you will. And thank god for that... you deserve to live a life of misery for what you did to me.”_

“BUT WHAT DID I DO!!!” He screamed and tugged at his hair.

_“Hmmm what did you do... let me think about that... oh yeah! You were born.” He growled and then faded into the darkness._

~O~

John woke up with a smashing headache. His body felt like he had been hit by a train. He looked over to the right and saw the empty bottle of whiskey. He groaned loudly and closed his eyes again. He barely remembered anything, but he did faintly remember a mean Sherlock. He didn't want to move. He didn't want to get up, but he knew he had to hide the evidence or Claire would kill him. Not that she really had any control over him, but he didn't exactly want to hurt her. He slowly peeled himself off of the floor and grabbed the bottle. He stumbled to the rubbish bin and threw it away. He knew that that wasn't the best hiding place, but it was the best he could do for right now.... And thank god for that because Claire just walked through the door.

"Good morning, John!!" She grinned and then tsked at him. "So messy." She grumbled and started picking up all the trash. She went to move a pile of papers, but John was growling at her so she slowly retracted her hand, "Not today then..." Claire said sadly under her breath. She straightened up and looked at him, "John I know it's hard... And I'm not saying you have to get rid of everything, but these papers are pointless..." She whispered. 

John clenched his jaw and glared at her, "They were his papers! He was working on a case, but you're too stupid to know that! Don't. Fucking. Touch. Them!" He growled and then flinched because his head was pounding. 

She narrowed her eyes and then walked up to him, "Open your mouth." She said firmly.

John snapped it shut and shook his head.

"John. You have until the count of three. One....."

John didn't budge... He just glared at her.

"Two..." She waited and when he didn't do anything she growled, "Three!" and tackled him to the ground and sat on top of him.

John cried out in pain and whimpered "CLAIRE! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!"

Claire swallowed and sat back a bit, but was still on him, "John I just want to help... And you going down this path… Well, it’s a dangerous one..."

"I don't care! I hate everything! I hate Sherlock! I hate you! NOW LEAVE!"

She swallowed thickly, "Promise me you won't do anything stupid..."

"No! I'm not going to kill myself! Happy? Now go!" He snapped. 

Claire nodded slightly and then slowly climbed off of him, "I'll be back tonight, John... Take care." And with that she left. 

~O~

Five months later and John felt like he was slowly dying. He thought things would get better but it had been nine months and every day that passed he felt more miserable. He couldn't do it anymore and everything hurt. 

John was currently staring at the wall while sitting in the bath. It was warm and comforting, but not the same without Sherlock. He closed his eyes and sunk down into the water. He laid on the bottom of the tub and refused to come up – not that anyone was there to force him to. His lungs started to hurt more and more, but he didn’t care. He knew he promised Sherlock, but he couldn't do it anymore. His head started to feel light and his lungs were burning, but he wanted this – it was comforting. 

He finally felt content, but then there was a tugging at his arm and he was being pulled out of the bath. John gasped for air and just started sobbing as he clutched at the strangers shirt. Arms wrapped around his body and pulled him close, "It's okay... You're safe..." And John wanted so badly for that voice to be Sherlock's but it wasn't... And it never would be.

~O~

Three months later and John was sitting at the pub watching Claire pour drinks. He had taken to going to the pub at night so he wasn't so lonely. He never hooked up with anyone though... He wasn't ready. And though he would never admit it to anyone he was grateful Claire found him in the bathroom that day. She wasn't angry with him either which was surprising. 

John also hadn't tried to off himself again... He figured one person dying wasn't worth it, but he still wanted to. Sherlock did so why couldn't he? But... He was better than that. He was better than Sherlock and he was going to prove it.

Claire got a break in the crowd of people and walked over to him, "John..." She said softly. 

John sighed and looked up at her. 

"Hey.. I've been thinking a lot recently and I think it would be best if you moved out of the flat.. You know.... Get a fresh start."

John clenched his glass of beer, but didn't say anything. Maybe if he didn't speak to her she would shut up and go away. However, she didn't. 

"I'm just saying... It's been a year and you aren't getting any better... Did you even go to the therapy sessions I set up for you?"

John tried to focus on his breathing, but he lost it. He grabbed his beer and threw the glass against the wall, shattering it and sending beer flying everywhere. The pub was silent and John was heaving.

"John..." Claire whispered. "Please calm down..."

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?? You're telling me to move out of my fucking house and yet I'm the one that needs to calm down!!!" He screamed and stood up from his chair. It scrapped against the floor and then fell back. 

Claire swallowed. "John.... I'm just saying you might feel better."

"You don't know anything! Every. Single. Night. I see him! I see him and he's mean to me! Maybe I should stop drinking, but I can't because drinking makes me see him and that's better than nothing. Every single fucking day those nine words echo again and again in my head! 'That's what people do don't they? Leave a note...' I CANT HANDLE IT! EVERY NIGHT I DREAM OF HIM FALLING TO THE GROUND!! Dying!! And the sound it makes! Over and over again until the night is over or until I open my eyes and sometimes I still see it like a hologram in front of my face! I used to wake up screaming his name, but now I just sleep through it!" He spat. He grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her close so he was practically touching her nose with his. "That flat is all I have of him. And I am _never_ letting go! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!" He screamed and shoved her back. 

She stumbled back and hit the counter, but nodded slowly, "I'm sorry..." She tried to say, but John was already gone. 

Claire swallowed as she looked out into the quiet pub. She was about to return to making a drink when a tall dark figure bolted towards the door and ran out of the pub. Normally, Claire wouldn't have found that suspicious, but since John had stormed out seconds before she was terrified the stranger was going to hurt John... She dropped what she was doing and immediately ran out after him. John wasn't anywhere in sight but she could see the stranger running in the direction that John would have gone.

Little did this stranger know Claire happened to be a runner in high school… Though, she doubted that he actually knew she was following him. She sped up her pace and soon was tackling the man to the ground and forcing his hands behind his back.

The man let out a yelp of pain and whimpered, but Claire didn't care. 

"What do you want with John!" She spat. She didn't even know if he was after John, but she was angry and wasn't going to take chances. 

She made sure she had a handle on the man before she slowly stood up and flipped him over. She sat back down on him so that she was sitting on his tummy and tore off his hood. Her stomach dropped and she felt incredibly ill, "Sherlock....." She whispered. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN!!! That wasnt really a surprise because we all knew XD but whatevs
> 
> I'm on a train right now leaving Chicago and isnt that adorable?
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr:  
> Q: Why did Mickey Mouse get shot?  
> A: Because Donald Ducked! 
> 
> THAT'S SO FUCKING STUPID ITS HILARIOUS!
> 
> DEUCE BITCHES!!


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has to learn to live without Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY LITERALLY I'M A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON!!!! I. AM. SO. SORRY. I know I keep saying this but I’m going to try and be better... my life has just been so hectic with work and then I get home and all I want to do is sleep, but I must go to the gym and then I’m even more exhausted... omg you guys don’t care but moral of the story is IM GOING TO BE BETTER!!!
> 
> Also for some reason this chapter was just so hard for me to write and I kept leaving it...But I think it turned out quite nice and I hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> Also MY BIRTHDAY IS TODAY!!! AND IM 21 PARTYYYYYYYY bwahahaha
> 
> Anyway enjoy the story loves (:

_ She made sure she had a handle on the man before she slowly stood up and flipped him over. She sat back down on him so that she was sitting on his tummy and tore off his hood. Her stomach dropped and she felt incredibly ill, "Sherlock....." She whispered. _

Sherlock closed his eyes and swallowed hard, “Claire…” He said quietly. “Let’s be reasonable…”

She screamed and punched him in the face, though it was rather weak. She didn’t want to hurt him – she was overcome with emotions, yes, but hurting him was not something she wanted. She choked on a sob and then hugged him tightly, “Why!” She sniffled.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, “I had no other choice… please understand that.."

She sobbed in his arms and buried her face in his neck. "How could you do this to us??" She choked out. "More importantly how could you do this to John!!" 

Sherlock took a shaky breath, he really hated repetitive questions, but he could see how she would ask the same questions over and over again, "It was never my intention to hurt him... I knew what I was doing was going to hurt him... Obviously… I'm not stupid, but you must understand that this is killing me as well. That being said it needed to be done. I'm doing this for him. And though it hurts now I will come back.. You just have to make sure he can hold on."

"I don't even understand why you're doing this!! He's breaking Sherlock! He tried to kill himself three months ago! I fear he'll try again and what if I'm not going to be around..? What if I don't make it in time! He would die for nothing!" She growled out. 

Sherlock's heart broke and he looked down, well as much as he could for being pinned against the ground. "Claire please... I'm hoping to be finished within a couple of months... Just watch him for me and before you know it I'll be back."

Claire paused for a long time and nodded some. "I'm not sure he'll take you back, Sherlock." She said honestly. Yes, John loved that man more than anything, but to watch him die in front of your eyes and then pop up a year and a half later... Well, that could mentally destroy someone.

Sherlock nodded once and took a breath. "Yes, I am aware that that outcome might happen, but at least that way he'll know I'm not dead and he'll get better..." 

Claire could have slapped him across the face, but she refrained herself. "What could possibly justify for you doing this to him? For you doing this to all of us?? What could make that okay?" She growled lowly. 

Sherlock felt like crying... He felt like crying a lot of the time these days, but he always managed to hold it in, "His life.." He whispered. 

Claire slowly climbed off of Sherlock's body and helped him up. "I don't understand..." She whispered quietly. 

"And I can't explain it." Sherlock shifted from his feet. "I've been here too long already.. I need to go." He said quickly and turned on his heels so he could run in the opposite direction. 

"Sherlock wait!!" Claire called out and tried to go after him, but he was already gone and she didn't have the energy to chase him.

~O~

A month passed and it happened to be the one year anniversary of Sherlock’s suicide. John had been drinking a lot more lately and it felt like he was living in a fog. He always had hallucinations of Sherlock at night when he was completely gone, but Sherlock was always mean to him. Sadly, John didn’t care because he got to see Sherlock, he got to hear his voice and that was something he was terrified he was going to forget. John also rarely left the house, but today he managed to force himself out of bed and into the shower.

He didn’t want to get out of bed and he really didn’t want to leave the house, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to go to Sherlock's grave and talk to it. As weird as that sounded in John’s brain he was hoping that it would at least make him feel better. John looked at his wardrobe and ended up pulling on a jumper that was much too big for him. Once upon a time it used to fit, but now none of his clothes did and John didn’t have the strength to go out and buy new ones.

He grabbed a jacket and then walked out to hail a cab, riding in cabs were hard for John without Sherlock by his side... that was one of the things they did frequently together and even though it was such a small thing, it hurt John terribly. John told the address to the cabbie and then leaned back and kept his eyes shut.

The ride wasn’t a long one and soon the car was stopping. John opened his eyes and handed the cabbie a couple of pounds. He got out of the car and walked through the headstones until he found the onyx black one with golden lettering. Slowly, he sat down on the grass and stared at the headstone for a long time, looking over the lettering and letting the unbelievable sadness he felt wash over him. Eventually, he reached out and traced his fingers over Sherlock's name – something he hadn’t ever been able to bring himself to do before. He took a sharp breath as the tears prickled his eyes.

“Hi...” He whispered quietly, “I know I never talk to you... or I never really come visit you, but... it’s just because it hurts too much. I like to think that if the roles were reversed you would do the same and that way I don’t feel as guilty.” He slowly took his fingers away from the lettering and sat back into the grass.

John looked up at the sky and shook his head, a small laugh escaping his lips, “It’s sunny. It was sunny the day you died too... and on your funeral.” John pursed his lips, “Maybe that’s you telling me to be happy even though the circumstances are not happy... I don’t know.” He looked down and played with the grass, pulling some out and putting it on his knee.

“On the day of your funeral I was so angry with you... I–“ John choked on a sob and squeezed his eyes shut trying to regain himself. “I threw the locket somewhere... and I regret it so much... sometimes my hand will go up to my chest so I can wrap my fingers around it and then I realise it’s not there... it hurts so badly and I hate you so much, but I just want you back and I would give anything for that...” He sniffled and wiped his eyes. He didn’t like crying and he especially didn’t like crying in public. John sat there staring at the headstone for a very long time before he heard footsteps running towards him.

“Jesus John!” Claire choked and knelt down next to him. She brought him in a tight hug and closed her eyes, “I was so worried!”

John growled and shoved her away, “I’m not five. I don’t need to fucking tell you where I’m going.” He glared at her.

“No, you don’t... but under the circumstances I really think you should.” She whispered.

John hissed and stood up, “Why? So I don’t fucking kill myself? Relax. If I’m going to kill myself I’m going to make sure you won’t find me until it’s too late. Unlike last time.” He snapped. And no he wasn’t planning on killing himself – even though some days he really wanted to. He just wanted her to back off. He wanted space and quietness... he wanted to become an empty shell that didn’t feel anything.

She flinched and watched as John walked away. Claire stayed there for a minute looking down at the grave that probably held an empty casket. She sighed and then just followed John home.

~O~

Sherlock took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He held the locket in his hand and ran his fingers over the little lettering on the front of the heart. He knew that being so close to John all the time was dangerous and that he should be working on getting rid of Moriarty’s network, but he couldn’t seem to stay away...

Sherlock wanted to run up to him. To give him the locket and tell him that everything was going to be okay, he probably would have too if it wasn’t for Claire running up and startling him out of his thoughts.

Sherlock took another breath as he tried to calm himself down. He wanted to leave now... he couldn’t stand watching John anymore, but he waited for both of them to leave before he let himself go. He wasn’t about to get caught all because he made a noise. That would just destroy everything that he had worked for. However, he needed to see John... He had a plane to catch that night and he was always terrified he wouldn’t come back, but if anything was keeping him alive... it was John.

~O~

Four months later and John was sitting in his flat. He had gotten better about the drinking – yes, he still drank, and yes he still saw Sherlock, but he didn’t drink as much and he supposed that was something. John sighed and looked at the clock, it was around eight at night and John decided to go to the pub. Claire was working and didn’t get off until midnight he figured he could give her some company.

He made himself presentable and then took a cab to the pub. He walked up to the bar and sat down. John rested his chin on the table and smiled sadly at Claire, “Hi.” He said quietly.

Claire smiled softly and ruffled his hair, “Haven’t seen you here in a long time. You’re sort of a hermit these days.” She chuckled some and then pulled her hand a way, “Can I get you a pint?”

John shook his head and sat back up, “Nope... I’m trying to stop drinking – or at least pull back. I’m only drinking every other night and tonight happens to be my sober night.” He gave her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and played with his hands.

Her heart filled with pride and she gave him a watery smile in return, “I’m proud of you John... really.”

John grinned at her and it was the first real smile he had shown in months, “Thanks. I’m slowly getting over his death... I think it’s always going to hurt and the pain is never going to go away, but it’s slowly getting more manageable...” He lied. In truth he came here because he was terrified he was going to do something stupid and break Sherlock’s promise. The trying to quit drinking was true, but he was in no way feeling better about Sherlock's death and that gave him confused feelings. On one had he was pissed off... he was sick of feeling sad and depressed and suicidal all the time. It just felt like every day that passed it got worse and worse, not better. On the other he was relieved because he felt like the second he felt better about Sherlock's death it meant that he didn’t care for the man anymore and he didn’t want to feel like that. As much as he knew that that wasn’t true, that’s how his brain felt and he couldn’t help it.

Claire smiled at him softly and nodded, “I’m glad you’re getting better if you ever–“ She was cut off by a customer and gave John a pained smile, “I’ll be right back, love.” She said softly and then went to tend to the customer’s needs.

John looked around the room and sighed. He wished he had at least gotten a water or something so he didn’t feel out of place. Instead, John just let his mind wander.

“Hey!” A bubbly voice hummed, jerking John out of his thoughts.

John blinked a bit and then turned towards the voice. A girl around his age with long blonde hair and perky breasts was grinning at him. She dressed in a white skirt that ended about mid thigh and a pink short sleeved shirt. She wasn’t really showing any cleavage, but the shirt was tight enough to show that she had a very nice stomach underneath it. John licked his lips and trailed his eyes back up to her face, “Hi...” He mumbled.

“Hello,” She smiled softly, “You just looked so lonely and sad over here all by your lonesome and so here I am.” She hummed again, “Can I buy you a drink?”

John cleared his throat. Jesus Christ she was beautiful... and that didn’t make sense to him at all because he was gay! Not that gay men couldn’t admire the beauty of other people besides men, but... he sort of wanted her and he was pretty sure that that was not a thing gay men did, “Umm, yeah if you want to... just a water though – if that’s okay.”

She blinked a bit, “Yeah, of course it’s okay... Why wouldn’t it be? I’m Regan by the way.” She smiled softly and then ordered a water for him and a pint for herself.

“Oh, I’m John,” He gave a tired smile as he took the water from Claire’s hand and looked up at her face. She happened to be giving him the stink eye, but he couldn’t care less at the moment.

Regan stuck out her hand and shook it firmly, “Nice to meet you, John.” She grinned and sipped at her beer.

John nodded slowly and then frowned, “Shouldn’t I be the one to buy you a drink?” He raised an eyebrow and tapped at her glass a bit.

She just shrugged, “I hate those stupid unspoken rules. If I find you attractive or nice I’m going to want to buy you a drink. Why wait around for the guy to do it?” She smirked a bit and then nudged him in the side, “Besides. If I had waited around you wouldn’t be sitting here with me chatting me up, now would you?” She gave a coy smile and chuckled slightly.

John gave a breathless laugh and shook his head once, “No, I suppose not.” He smiled softly and then slowly rested his hand on her knee and drew circles with his thumb.

They talked for what felt like hours and the more John spoke with her the more he wanted to take her home. He didn't know what it was... maybe it was because he was incredibly lonely and craved to be touched by someone... or maybe it was the fact that he was finally moving on, finally letting go and all it took was letting someone else help him ease the pain. Obviously this girl couldn’t ease John’s pain seeing as they barely met, but he figured that in time she would be able to help him and that gave him that sliver of hope that he needed.

After a couple hours he squeezed her knee, “Wanna get out of here?” He grinned at her.

She bit her lip slightly and nodded, “I think I would like that very much.” She sighed happily.

He nodded once and then jerked his head towards the door, “Alright, go wait out there I just need to say goodbye to one of my friends.” He said a bit awkwardly, but she understood.

She gave him a small peck on the cheek and then went outside and leaned against the wall.

Claire came over to John and scoffed some, “Thank God she’s gone.”

John glared at her slightly, “What does that mean...”

“I don’t like labelling people because I find it very degrading and just because a woman likes to sleep with a lot of men does not make her a slut, but I can tell just from looking at her that she only wants one thing from you and once she gets it she’s going to leave. Maybe not right away... she’ll probably stay the night and then try to slip away in the wee hours of the morning and if you wake to see her she’ll just tell you that she has to go to work, but she’ll call you and then you will never hear from her again.” She sighed, “I’m not... I’m not saying that one night stands are bad John, I’m just saying that a one night stand is going to destroy you. You are in no way ready to sleep with someone else and I fear that you will back track. You’ve come so far and I’m so proud of you, don’t throw it away because some girl wants to get in your pants and you think that sounds like a brilliant idea.”

John growled at her and wanted to punch her, but he could never hurt Claire, “She’s. Not. Going. To. Leave.” He grit out.

Claire stared at him sadly, “And you know that for sure?” She whispered, “She sees that you’re vulnerable. You’re an attractive man and an easy target for her... all I’m saying is I really–“

John screamed and shoved her back a bit, “I don’t fucking care what you’re saying! This is my life now stay the fuck out of it!” He snapped and then stormed out of the bar and tugged Regan back to his home.

~O~

Once inside he pushed Regan up against the wall and kissed her. It wasn’t sweet, it wasn’t caring, it was just hot and messy and had no meaning behind it whatsoever. It felt... it felt wrong, but John pushed those feelings down and tugged her to the bedroom. He knew what was going to happen and even if Claire was right about a one night stand he figured it couldn’t hurt to be loved by another person even if they were just going to end up leaving you in the morning.

John tugged her into the bed and kissed her deeply. After a while of kissing he slowly snuck his hand up her shirt and cupped her breast. He swallowed some and wanted to jerk away, but didn’t. He felt like he needed to do this – Even though he hardly knew the girl, he needed to have this happen. He took a breath and started kissing her again.

However, when she snuck a hand into his jeans and cupped him he pushed her away. That. Was. Not. Sherlock's. Hand. And it felt so wrong. He felt like he was betraying the man even though he was dead. He felt like he was betraying himself! John had never slept with anyone who wasn’t Sherlock... and even if he had that someone would be a man, but she was a woman and it all just felt like a lie.

Regan flailed and fell off the bed, “What the fuck... you okay?” She frowned, with slight irritation. That just made John angrier. She didn’t care about him... Claire was right; she only cared about getting off.

“I don’t want to go through with this anymore. Please get out of my house.” He whispered and brought his knees into his chest.

Regan climbed back onto the bed and crossed her arms over her chest, “I’m not going anywhere.” She grumbled, “So how about you man up and fuck me?”

John gaped at her, “What the fuck is wrong with you! I just said I didn’t want to go through with it! I will call the police!” He brought his knees in tighter.

She scoffed, “And what are you going to say? That a girl is trying to rape you? They won’t believe that and even if they did they would just think you’re weak. Though, I suppose you are... you’re basically like a twig...” She frowned.

John screamed and then lunged for her, taking her hand and then dragging her to the front door, “I DO NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU AND I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU NOW GET THE FUCK OUT!” He heaved and tried to unlock the door, but he was shaking so much he couldn’t manage to get it unlocked.

She blinked at him and then shoved him to the ground, “Jesus Christ you’re so temperamental. No wonder no one wants to be with you.” She grumbled and then left the flat.

And John's heart shattered because she was right... no one did want to be with him. Claire felt like he was a chore and right now that was the only friend he had. Zach gave up on trying to spend time with him... and Sherlock fucking killed himself to get away from him.

He felt like he was drowning, even more so than he had been before. The reality of everything hitting him once and he couldn’t do it!! He felt terrible because he made a promise to Sherlock that he would never do something so low, but Sherlock had made a promise to him and now look where he was!!

John picked himself up off the floor and practically ran to the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of pills – he didn’t even know what kind they were... he just wanted relief. He wanted silence and he wanted to be with Sherlock, even though Sherlock didn’t want to be with him.

Tears streamed down John’s face as he yanked off the cap, he didn’t even realise he was crying until a drop of water landed on one of the pills. He sniffled and dumped the whole bottle into his hand and stared at it. He couldn’t tell you how long he stared at it, but he just needed a minute. This was his last moment on earth and he wanted to remember it. Though, he wanted to remember it being a happy one and it was the furthest he could get from happy.

John grabbed a glass of water and then put all the pills into his mouth at once. Some of them got stuck on the way down and he thought he was going to die from choking, rather than die from an overdose, but another drink of water and the pills managed to slip down into his stomach.

He hated himself... He hated himself because he was leaving people that cared about him behind, but it felt like no one would ever understand how he was feeling and it felt like the pain would never go away. He needed relief and unlike Sherlock he refused to turn to drugs.

John walked over to one of the drawers and pulled out a pen and some paper. Claire at least deserved a note and in truth he probably should have written it before he took the pills, but he wasn’t thinking. He sat down and scrubbed his face before slowly beginning. His writing was scratchy and didn’t really look like his writing at all. However, he only got a couple of sentences in before he fell to the floor and passed out.

~O~

Claire’s shift ended twenty minutes after John had left with that woman. She knew she hurt him and she wanted to apologise, but he was probably naked and fucking her right now so she decided to wait until the morning. She started walking in the direction of her flat, which also happened to be the opposite direction of John's flat. When she got halfway home she turned around and started walking to John’s place.

She just had a terrible feeling ever since she got off work and no matter what she did she couldn’t shake it. Claire walked a bit faster, feeling as if walking slowly was the worst idea in the world. After about fifteen minutes of walking she finally reached his flat, she would have taken a cab, but the streets were dead and calling one would have taken longer than fifteen minutes.

She knocked on the door, “John?” She called out. “Better get decent before I come in.” Claire tried at a joke, but it fell short. The key to his flat felt heavy in her hand, but she didn’t want to use it just yet. It felt like an invasion of privacy, especially knowing he had a girl over.

Claire took a breath, “John you have five seconds to open this door or I’m coming in.” She pressed her ear up to the door to see if she could hear the sounds of his footsteps, but sadly she couldn’t. However, she still waited five seconds before sticking the key in and turning it.

Claire opened the door and looked around the room. She didn’t want to go in his bedroom... maybe she would just sleep on the couch and wait until the morning for him to come round. She sighed and walked straight ahead to the couch that they had, but when she turned around and sat down she saw that John was passed out on the floor and covered in his own vomit. Her eyes widened and she ran across the room, kneeling down to him and pressing her fingers against his neck to feel for a pulse.

She choked when she felt a faint thumping, but she knew it wouldn’t last long, “You stupid man!!!” She sobbed and reached for her mobile. She dialled 999 and then tried her best to keep him alive, but when his pulse finally gave out she broke. This wasn’t like the bath tub... She couldn’t pull him above water and wait for him to breathe... this was really happening and she wasn’t even sure if he was going to make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO I HOPED YOU ENJOYED THAT!!!! I’M LIKE PRETTY SURE SHERLOCK IS COMING BACK IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! SO GET PUMPED FOR THAT!!!
> 
> Anyway I’m twenty one now... oh how weird that is... bwhahha I’m so old help me.
> 
> And I apparently suck at writing things because of the GIANT GAP THAT GOES BETWEEN EACH CHAPTER  
> But I’m gonna change that (:
> 
> JoKe Of ThE cHaPtEr:  
> Knock Knock?  
> Who’s there?  
> Dwayne.  
> Dwayne who?  
> Dwayne the bathtub!! I’m drowning.
> 
> Now I only put that joke in because it reminds me of a little kid Sherlock flailing in the bathtub and I don’t think my heart can handle anymore omg
> 
> PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT AND KUDOS AND SUBSCRIBE!! Literally you don’t have to subscribe or kudos, but I REALLY LOVE READING THE COMMENTS SO YOU SHOULD REALLY DO THAT! And you can even comment if you don’t have an account mwhahahaa isn’t life swell?
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES :*


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay okay okayyyyyy!! So I mean I didn't upload it as fast as I wanted to, but it wasn't a four month wait like last time!!!!! Only a two month wait!! (; that's cut in half so I think that you should all be happy with me! And hope that I will upload the next chapter even sooner!! (; and I think I will so hahahahaha just you wait. okkkkk now enjoy this sad sad chapter because sherlock is still gone and when sherlock is gone everything is sad and everything hurts!

John woke up to the sound of beeping and pain in his body. He didn't want to open his eyes, but he could tell he was in a bright room – and if the sounds of the beeping were anything to go by he was in the hospital. He mentally cursed himself and tried to think back to the last thing that he had done... Ah, right, the bottle of pills... So stupid. He should have known that Claire would have followed him home. And wasn't that just brilliant? Because the second he opened his eyes he was going to see her angry face... Unless she wasn't there, then he would have to wait until she walked into the room, but either way he would have to see her angry face and he would probably get yelled at and wasn't that just something! Unlike last time however he wasn't grateful that she found him. He was done. He was tired and he tried to move on, but ended up getting yelled at and kicked to the ground. He wasn't okay and the fact that people expected him to be okay was sickening. He sighed softly and then slowly opened his eyes. There was no point in pretending he was asleep and keeping his eyes closed was rather exhausting. Plus, he wanted pain medication because he could barely move without his stomach feeling like it was going to explode, or cave in, or... Something. He blinked a few times to get used to the blinding lights of the hospital room and then looked over to his right.

Claire was sitting there staring at him, but she wasn't angry... He could tell she was incredibly sad and perhaps a bit joyful? He wasn't Sherlock. He couldn't deduce things like he could, but he did learn a few things. "Hey...." Claire whispered softly.

John swallowed and opened his mouth to speak, but Claire just shook her head, "Your throat probably hurts... Save your voice." She paused for a bit and then her face twisted up like she was going to burst into tears, "John, if you were so low why didn't you talk to me? I would have been there for you!" She whimpered and grabbed his hand.

Christ, he felt like crying as well... This wasn't fair! He had been trying to tell her that he wasn't okay for months and she just told him to get a therapist! It wasn't her fault he supposed... She was trying and she did help sometimes, but no one could help the way he wanted to be helped, no one but Sherlock. He would have answered her, but he knew that she would just tell him to be quiet again. He sighed and looked away. Why did she have to be there? Why did she have to find him in time? There was nothing left for him here... He was an broken solider with a dead lover... Things kept going wrong for him and he hated it! But he knew he had to put on a brave face now... Maybe he didn't. He didn't know anymore, all he knew was how numb he felt all the time. Numb and yet heartbroken and he didn't understand how that happened.

Claire sighed. "I'm going to start living with you. And don't give me that face. You don't have any say in the matter because you fucked up." She growled out slightly.

He looked down and tried to roll away from her, but winced slightly. At least this pain was different than the pain he had been feeling for the past year and a half.

She clucked her tongue and shook her head once. "Sorry, love. You'll have to deal with the pain this time. Not so fun being in a hospital when you don't have the drugs to ease your way, now is it?"

John growled. "Will you just shut the fuck up?" He snapped and then whimpered because Claire was right, his throat hurt like hell.

Claire flinched and then narrowed her eyes, "I'm just trying to help, John!"

John screamed, ignoring the pain in his stomach and throat, "I DONT WANT YOUR BLOODY HELP!! Jesus! Can you not wrap your thick brain around that?? Do you have any idea how hard it is? What I'm going through? What I see every night? How much I want to die?" He hissed. "No, because you're selfish and all you're trying to do is keep me here! Well fine. Keep your bloody eye on me. Stay at my flat. Put me on a lead and pull me around, but we are not friends! And we stopped being friends the second he died!" He growled. And he didn't mean it... He didn't mean any of it, but he hurt and he was lashing out.

Claire swallowed hard and nodded. She knew he didn't mean it, but that didn't mean it hurt any less. "Right. Well. See you when they let you out." She said tightly and then stood up and left the room. She wasn't about to break in front of John. He didn't need to see that.

~O~

Claire took a cab home and sat in the silence of her flat as she cried. John wasn't the only one hurting, but Claire was hurting for a different reason. She knew Sherlock was alive... she knew!!! And yet Sherlock continued to stay away and hurt John in the process. How could someone do that? Not knowing why hurt her too... Maybe if she knew the answer she could forgive, but for right now she was just so angry with the man. She growled as she yanked out her mobile and dialled Sherlock's new number.

It rang five times before a voice on the other end whispered: "Hello?"

She took a sharp breath in and then shook her head once. Now was not the time to get emotional again! She was angry! "Come. Home. Now." She spat out.

Sherlock blinked slightly and frowned. "I told you it wasn't time yet..."

She snapped and kicked over the coffee table. "I DONT BLOODY FUCKING CARE! Do you want to know where your precious John is???"

Sherlock swallowed because he didn't. He didn't need to know until everything was done, "Claire, don't..."

"He's in the fucking hospital, Sherlock! He tried to kill himself! And the longer you're gone, the more likely it is he's going to succeed because I can't keep him safe forever."

Sherlock was silent on the other end. He felt like his world was crashing down and he had no idea what to do... He whimpered slightly and tried to make words, but failed.

Claire waited patiently and when he didn't answer she sighed, "Sherlock..."

He was silent for a second more before he finally found his voice, "Is... Is he okay..." He swallowed hard.

She sighed and scrubbed her face slightly, “He’s in pain. They won’t give him any medicine because of how he tried to kill himself, Afraid he’s an addict or something, but yes, he’s fine.”

Sherlock nodded once and stared at the rotting wall in front of him, “Good... I – good.” He said firmly. “Just give me a five more months, tops.”

This time it was Claire’s turn to be quiet, but Sherlock didn’t interrupt, he just waited. “I’m not quite sure he has that long...” She whispered quietly.

Sherlock blinked rapidly, trying to fight away the tears that were threatening to spill over his eyes, “Yes he does. He’s my precious John. He’ll make it.” He said softly.

“And if he doesn’t?” She said firmly.

“Then all of this was for nothing and I’ll die like I was supposed to.” He said quietly, “Anything for John.”

Her heart clenched slightly and she looked down, “I don’t want that to happen... please hurry.” She practically whimpered.

“Yes, of course, “ he took a breath and nodded, “Now, I have to go.”

She nodded as well, but then remembered he couldn’t see her, “Alright... go save the world, Sherlock Holmes.”

He smiled sadly and choked up a bit, “Wouldn’t imagine anything less.” He said shakily.

Claire hung up and then started cleaning the flat, in preparation of John coming home, whenever that was.

~O~

A week later and John was finally able to come home. He hated it, at least at the hospital he didn’t have to be reminded of Sherlock every waking second. He should really move out... move on... but he knew that that wasn’t going to happen. He couldn’t let go of the flat and the thought made him sick. The thought of moving on made him even sicker. Claire was sitting on the couch. She smiled tightly at him and that just made his stomach plummet to the ground. He took a deep breath and looked down at the ground, “Claire... I didn’t–“

Claire cut him off with a sigh. She walked over to the blond and hugged him tightly, “I know you didn’t mean it, you git.” She said quietly as she breathed him in. He was so much smaller than when she had first met him. What was firm and muscular before was now just skin and bones. It looked like the wind could break him.

John pressed his face against her neck and shook his head, “It still wasn’t right of me to be so cruel to you... I really do appreciate all you’re doing for me.” He whispered quietly.

Claire nodded and just held him for a long time before she finally pulled away and looked him up and down, “You look terrible.” She smiled softly, “I think you should get in the shower and then take your pills. After that we can do whatever you want or you can just go to bed.”

He nodded slowly and scrubbed his face some, “A shower sounds heavenly. In truth I’ll probably just go to bed, but I don’t know yet... I suppose we’ll see what happens.”

Claire smiled a bit and then went to the kitchen to make him some dinner and fetch his pills out. John was in the shower for a while, but she wasn’t expecting something quick. He needed to get used to his surroundings again. An hour later John came out dressed in his pyjamas, he sat at the kitchen table, and then looked at her, “You made me dinner...?” He wasn’t hungry at all, but he felt bad letting it go to waste.

“Well, of course I did. Now, eat and take your meds and then let’s get you in bed... you look completely exhausted.” She said softly and sat across from him.

He sighed and started eating the grilled cheese she made for him, “I feel exhausted.” He mumbled.

They fell into silence, it was a bit awkward, but not to the point where it was excruciating. A few minutes later John had finished half of his sandwich and had taken his pills. Claire bit her lips some and looked at him for a moment before speaking, “You done?”

He hesitated a moment before nodded, “Yeah... I would like to go to bed now... umm, I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”

She hummed and stood up to clean up his plate, “Yes, of course. Goodnight, John.”

He nodded and walked to his room, “Night.” He mumbled and shut his door.

~O~

John laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling. He could feel the pills washing over him, making him drowsy, but he was fighting it. He didn’t want to close his eyes because once he did he would have to relive that terrible moment. He took a shaky breath and finally closed his eyes. However, once he was about to fall asleep, he heard something move in the corner. John’s eyes snapped opened and he sat up, “Who’s there?” He hissed slightly, loud enough that the person in the room could hear, but not loud enough that Claire would. The person didn’t answer, but John knew there was someone there, could see the outline of someone standing up against the wall.

John yanked his body across the bed and reached into his drawer to pull out his gun. It wasn’t loaded, Claire had made sure to get rid of all of the bullets, but of course the intruder didn’t know that. “Answer me.” He hissed again.

John could hear the man take a breath and hold up his hands, “Don’t.... shoot....” He said very quietly and John froze. That voice... that voice was a voice he hadn’t heard in so very long.

John dropped the gun and let out a choked sob, “Sherlock....” he whimpered, praying that this was real.

The man was by him in a second, wrapping him up in his arms and running his fingers through his hair, “Shh, John.. shh... it’s okay, my love.” He whispered.

John shook his head and burst into tears, “No!! No it’s not! You- you died! I- I saw it with my own two eyes! And now- I don’t- please don’t leave!” He gasped and clung to the front of Sherlock's shirt.

Sherlock was silent for a long moment, “All things end, love. I’m-“ He took a shaky breath and kissed the top of John’s head, “I’m not really here, but I need you to stay strong for me. Can you do that?”

John growled and wanted to bite him, but just kept crying into his chest instead, “Why! Why should I be strong when you weren’t?? Why do I have to be the strong one?”

Sherlock rested his chin on the top of John's head and rubbed his back, “Because you’re my John and you’re a soldier. Please just hold on longer for me.” He closed his eyes and squeezed John tightly.

John started to calm down, everything felt so real... every touch, every word, even the way Sherlock smelled. He whimpered and just nodded against him. Everything would be okay now because Sherlock was here, he was back. “Don’t... don’t leave me.” John managed to get out before falling asleep almost immediately, the medicine too strong to fight now.

“I wish I could make that promise.” He whispered quietly.

~O~

John woke up the next morning and grinned with his eyes still shut. Sherlock was back and he honestly couldn’t be happier. He rolled over and hummed, “I missed you so much.” He said softly and reached out in front of him, when his hand hit the empty side of the bed he frowned and opened his eyes. His heart sank and he felt a crushing weight wash over him, “No... no no no no no no no!” He cried out and then ran out of his bedroom. He looked in the kitchen and then the living room. When there was no sign of Sherlock he collapsed to the floor and broke. “NO!!!” He screamed and yanked on his hair as hard as he could.

Claire woke up immediately and ran to him, “John! John!” She dropped to the floor next to him and picked him up, “John! Shhh. It’s alright. What’s wrong? What happened?”

“He- he- he was here!! He came back and now he’s gone!” He screamed and thrashed a bit in her arms.

“Who was here?” She asked softly, trying to figure out what he was talking about, but also soothe him at the same time.

“SHERLOCK YOU BLOODY IDIOT!” He screamed, louder this time, but had at least stopped thrashing.

She froze slightly and then swallowed hard, “That’s impossible, John... Sherlock is... dead...” She said slowly.

“No, he’s not! He was with me last night! He stayed with me! He held me! It was real!” He cried against her. He was sick of crying, but he couldn’t help it. The tears just kept coming and they wouldn’t stop.

“John, it was probably just a dream...” She said softly and ran her fingers through his hair.

“No...” John protested, weakly. Sherlock was dead... he watched him die. How could he be alive? He couldn’t. It was as simple as that, but it just felt so real...

“Come on... let’s get you back to bed...” She said quietly as she helped him up. She didn’t care if it was already morning. John needed to rest.

John didn’t say a word, didn’t even acknowledge her, as she led him back to bed. It seemed as though he was finally broken. Just a shell of the man he once was.

~O~

While John was sleeping Claire pulled out her mobile. She was livid with Sherlock because she knew there was no way John could have made up something so real, something to destroy him that much, and maybe he could, but she knew Sherlock. She knew how selfish he could be sometimes and there was no doubt in her mind that he wasn’t the cause of this. She jabbed her finger on the call button and pressed it to her ear. It rang a couple of times before it stopped and Sherlock answered.

“What the actual fuck?” She hissed out before he had a chance to say anything.

Sherlock swallowed hard, knowing exactly what she was calling for, “I... I missed him...” He whimpered. “This is just as hard for me as it is for him. Don’t give me that.”

Claire almost threw her phone, “Actually, it’s fucking not, Sherlock. I’m not saying that you’re not hurting, but you are not hurting as much as John and do you want to know why?”

Sherlock flinched at her tone of voice. He knew he had messed up and he knew that there were consequences, “Why...” He whispered.

Claire was silent for a long moment, trying to calm down so she didn’t scream into the phone and wake up John. “Because he thinks you’re dead, whereas you know he’s alive. You know you’re coming back and yet he thinks he has to live the rest of his life without the one person he loves most. So no. Do not sit there on the other end and tell me that you’re hurting just as much. In fact, I’ll be surprised if your little stunt didn’t just send him further into depression. I had a hard enough time keeping him alive before, I’ve absolutely no idea how I’m going to do it now. That being said you better hurry the fuck up and come home because I don’t think he can last much longer.” She bit out and then hung up before Sherlock had the chance to say anything.

~O~

Five months passed in a blur. Ever since Sherlock came to visit John that night, he hadn’t been the same. Claire had caught him on the verge of attempts of killing himself more times than she can count. She could see how badly he wanted to go, and maybe if things were different, maybe if she knew that Sherlock was really dead... she would let him. No one should have to live through that much misery and to watch John ache as much as he did, everyday... it killed her. She had safety proofed the house because it had simply gotten too bad. She had to sit with him while he bathed, or took a shower, she had to sit with him while he ate. John couldn’t be alone because she knew he would try something.

The doorbell rang and she snapped out of her thoughts. She went downstairs and opened the door, it was just the take away man giving her what she had ordered. Jesus, she had forgotten that she had even ordered anything. Claire gave him a tip and then walked back up the stairs, “John. Lunch is here, come on out, love.” She said softly. One thing that had changed was how John would listen to her now. If she said come, he came. And she knew that that was because he was basically a shell, surviving each day, but not living.

John walked out of the bedroom and slowly sat down at the kitchen table. He looked terrible, but then again he always looked bad nowadays. Only showered when Claire told him to and once he was done he would just put on Sherlock's pyjamas. She never said anything, she tried once and he went mental, so after that she stopped.

Claire reached into the bag and handed him a box of sweet and sour chicken, “Just eat what you can.” She said softly and handed him a plastic fork.

John stared down at the plastic fork and glared at it, like it personally offended him. “One of these days...” He said slowly, “I’m going to succeed and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” He mumbled and picked up his plastic fork.

And Claire – bless her heart – was hanging on a thread of patience, “No, you won’t.” She said softly. “I won’t let you.”

“Controlling bitch,” John muttered under his breath, but Claire heard it anyway.

Claire glared at him, “Excuse me?” She all, but snapped.

John narrowed his eyes, “You heard me. I’m not going to repeat it if you heard me. You’re not my fucking mum, you’re not my lover. So just let me die!”

“You’ll thank me one day. Just you wait.” She muttered.

John scoffed, “No I won’t. And you’re never going to understand what this feels like. You have no one to love you back. You’re never going to find that so you won’t ever understand this!” He snapped. “And right now you want me to stay because of some sick... _obsession_ you have with me!”

Claire clenched her jaw because that was a sensitive subject for her, “You want to fucking die so much? You want to leave me and everyone else behind? Do it! Be my fucking guest, John! I don’t have an obsession with you. I couldn’t care less if you lived or died just DO IT!!!!” she screamed and threw the box of fried rice across the room.

John’s face lit up and he grinned at her, the first real grin she had seen from him in years. He nodded once and then bolted to the front door and left. That was all the confirmation he needed. He knew she was acting out of anger, but he didn’t care it was permission and if he was going to die, he was going to die properly. On the top of St. Barts, just like Sherlock **.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOSHHHHHHH JOHN NOOOOOOOO!!!!! John is in so much pain... it hurts me ughhhhh i guess we will have to see what happens next.... hahhah i know (; losers. also i am so sick of capitalising my words in the notes so ha ha ha fuccccccckkkkkk it 
> 
> jOkE oF tHe ChApTeR:  
> Knock Knock!  
> Who's There?  
> Europe!  
> Europe who?  
> No, you're a poo!!! 
> 
> IM RUNNING OUT OF JOKES JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! I WILL NEVER STOPPP
> 
> WELL UNTIL NEXT TIME!
> 
> DEUCES BITCHES!


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally I am a terrible human as it has been longer than a year! most of you probably assumed I abandoned this, but I did not.... I stopped writing for a while because... well I lost all my work and I was very bitter and angry. BUT WE'RE BACK NOW!!! AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU GUYS. I hope to jesus that my readers didn't give up on me ;-;
> 
> ANYWAY ENJOY THIS CHAPTER IT'S A FUCKING ROLLERCOASTER 
> 
> I have literally rewritten this so many times.... firstly because I FUCKING LOST IT. but secondly I wanted it to also be perfect. so please enjoy. 
> 
> and forgive me for making you wait longer than a year.....

Claire’s eyes widened as she realised what had just happened. She didn’t mean to snap at John like that, but she just hated this. She hated that Sherlock was doing this to John and she hated that John was hurting so much. She was trying to make it all better and instead she managed to make it worse, she knew if she didn’t act fast the consequences would be unfixable and she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself. Not only would she have lost a friend, but she would have let Sherlock down. She would have broken his heart and she knew it would only be a matter of time before he too took his own life, only this time it wouldn’t be pretend.

Claire ran to her phone and dialled the number she had memorised that night she had ran into Sherlock outside of the pub. Tears streamed down her face and she tried to control herself, but when Sherlock answered on the fourth ring she lost all control of staying calm.

Sherlock's eyes widened and he clenched the phone tightly, “Claire...” he whispered, because he was positive that she was calling because the worst possible thing had happened. He was so close to being done, but now he was too late.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” She whimpered, “We had a fight and I gave him permission to–“ She cut herself off and took a shaky breath, “He ran Sherlock! And I don’t know where he went! But I know he’s not going to come back and I don’t– I don’t know how to stop it!”

Sherlock started throwing on his clothes as he listened to her speak, he didn’t even care if he didn’t match, he just needed to get to John. “How long ago did he leave?” He waited for an answer, but when she just sobbed in response he growled at her, “HOW LONG AGO DID HE LEAVE, CLAIRE!!”

That seemed to jolt her out of her trace and back to real life, “I called you right after he stormed out of the house...” She whispered.

Sherlock nodded, “I know where he went. Stay where you are. I’m finally coming home. I’m finally coming back to John.” He whispered quietly and then hung up the phone.

Claire slowly set hers on the counter once it was clear that Sherlock was no longer on the other end. She sat down on the couch as her mind wandered back to a certain night when John had called her. Before the depression was that apparent... before it had gotten so bad that she had to move in. She closed her eyes as she thought of a time where she used to be able to calm him down, now it seemed she was doing the opposite.

_“I need you to calm me down before I do something very stupid.” John choked quietly in his room as he held a gun in one hand, and clenched the mobile phone in the other._

_Claire was lying in her bed when John had called. When those words came out of John's mouth she sat up immediately. “John…” She whispered._

_“You know the game Pac Man?” He asked as he sniffled and tried to stop crying. Everything hurt and he just wanted it to stop. He had been holding everything in over the last few months and everything was starting to boil over._

_Claire furrowed her brow on the other end of the line. “I- Yes, I do.” She couldn’t understand why John was bringing up Pac Man? She thought he was in trouble, but now here he was talking about a silly little game._

_“On the first level, it’s pretty easy. Avoid the ghosts, eat the pellets, maybe collect some fruit. On the second level, the ghosts get faster, but you can beat it if you try just a little bit harder. As you reach higher levels, the map becomes bigger, the ghosts become even faster, the food becomes so much…until you’re on your last life, and you ram right into a ghost. In that moment… what are you thinking of?” He asked quietly._

_Claire frowned slightly before speaking. “Oh shit I ran into a fucking ghost and now I have to start over…?” She asked. That’s what she thought every time she died in a video game, so that’s what she told him. However, she honestly didn’t know where John was going with this and it just made her confused because she thought he was in trouble, but apparently the only trouble he was just having was with the game Pac Man._

_John nodded and was silent for a long time. “Maybe for you,” He paused again and closed his eyes, thinking things over in his head. “I think, what’s the point? I worked so hard, I defeated the ghosts on all of those previous levels and they still got to me in the end… what’s the point in even playing the game? It’s inevitable that you’ll die! Who the fuck cares about perfect scores and beating an unbeatable game… I mean really!” he growled as angry tears fell from his eyes. “Why fucking bother!!”_

_Claire closed her eyes as she finally understood where John was going with this. She swallowed slightly as she thought of the right words to say, “Because it isn’t an unbeatable game, John. It has an end just like everything else and though it might be very hard to get to the last level, at times it might even seem impossible, eventually you’re going to beat the ghosts and eat all the pellets, but if you give up now. If you give up and walk away from the game, you will never get to feel that feeling of accomplishment, that feeling of strength you get when you can look at the game and tell yourself. ‘Yeah, that was fucking hard, but you know what? I did it and I couldn’t be more proud of myself.’ I think at the end the feeling of accomplishment will always outweigh the feeling of giving up and walking away, always wondering what if...”_

_John whimpered and slowly set the gun down as he was silent for a few moments, “Come over... Please.”_

_“Yes,” Claire said immediately, getting up and getting dressed, “Always.”_

Claire wiped the tears off her face and just closed her eyes, hoping with everything that she had that Sherlock was able to find John and bring him home.

~O~

Sherlock's heart pounded as he ran through the streets of London, there was no way to tell for certain where John would go, but he did have an idea. He just hoped he was right because if he was wrong he wouldn't ever get to see John again – alive anyway. The thought killed him and he forced it out of his mind as quickly as it came, now was not the time to think about horrible things like that. He ran to St. Bart’s and took the stairs three at a time as he ran to the roof. His heart stopped as he saw John standing on the ledge. He took a breath of relief at the fact that John was actually there, but the relief was quickly washed out by the fear that crept up upon Sherlock. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes as he stepped closer so John could hear him, but not too close as to startle him. "John..." He whispered quietly. 

John squeezed his eyes shut. It was just the wind and God dammit Sherlock was not about to stop him now. Not when he was so close to finally seeing him again!!

Only the voice got more persistent and John was so weak. He slowly turned around and saw Sherlock standing there, the wind whipping his coat behind him. He looked different... His body was skinnier, he had longer hair, bags under his eyes, but John also knew that this was just another figment of his imagination, his mind telling him not to jump. He wasn't about to listen to it, not this time. He growled as he jumped off the ledge and back onto the roof. "You're not real!!! Go away!" He snapped at it. "I'm sick of you always popping up in my life and being mean to me! Sherlock would never do that! And now you're here trying to stop me from seeing him again! You're a mean, mean figment! Now GO AWAY!" He screamed. 

Sherlock's heart broke, he hated seeing John like this, seeing what he did to the boy – well, now man he supposed. "John." He said softly as he cautiously stepped forward. "I'm not a figment, I'm real. It's really me and I didn't die... Pl-please step away from the ledge."

John scoffed and laughed in Sherlock's face as he stepped closer to it. "Oh, so now you care? What happened to all those nights when I was drunk and wanted you with me? All those nights where you told me that I didn't matter. That Sherlock killed himself because he didn't know how to tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore? What about all those nights where I _needed_ you and you just told me the world would be a better place if I was the one who had jumped instead of you! That I should just kill myself now because I was a waste of breath! And now- now that I'm finally ready to jump, now that I'm finally ready to be with Sherlock again – the real bloody Sherlock – you show up and tell me not to do it! Like you actually care for me when I know that you don't!! You're not real. The real one died years ago. Now leave me alone and let. Me. Do. This." He hissed. 

Sherlock swallowed hard and shook his head. "No... Not this time. I'm not going to leave you again. I'm here and I'm going to stay." He whispered and reached out to touch John, but he flinched away. Sherlock took a shaky breath and slowly retracted his hand.

John hissed as he shoved Sherlock slightly. The feeling of him was so real that he faltered for a moment before he slowly regained himself, "Nope. You're dead. You died two years ago. And I'm sorry, but I'm done listening to you. I didn't listen to you when you told me to just end it, and I'm not listening to you now when you're telling me to keep going." He grumbled and started walking back to the ledge. 

Sherlock whimpered and panicked slightly. "No! No! John- would – Look – Would a figment have this..?" He whispered and slowly reached in his pocket to grab the locket John lost so long ago. 

John sighed heavily. "Have what?" He asked before turning around. His eyes landed on the locket and he froze. "H-how do you have that?" He whimpered. 

"Because I'm really him, John... You threw it at my funeral and I went to grab it." He said quietly. "I owe you a thousand apologies, but I don't–" before he could get another word out John punched him right in the face and Sherlock stumbled back and groaned, blood gushing out of his nose. "I deserved that..." He whimpered some. 

John hissed and grabbed him at his lapels, but before he could do anything else he just broke into sobs and pressed his head into Sherlock's chest. "How could you do something like this! How!" He choked. 

"Please John, if you would let me explain..." He said quietly. "If there was another option I would have taken it, but–" Sherlock was once again interrupted by John plowing him to the ground and beating him on his chest weakly. 

"Two years!" He choked. "You – you could have contacted me!! Why did you leave! Why would you do that? That – that's just cruel!" He spat. 

Sherlock closed his eyes and slowly reached up to wrap his hands gently around John's wrists. "I know... I know it was, my love. And I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused you, but I didn't have any other choice. You – you would have died if I didn't..." He whimpered. 

John slowly rested his head on Sherlock's chest as the tears fell from his eyes. "That's not a good excuse." He sniffled stubbornly. 

Sherlock swallowed and gently wrapped his arms around John, holding him tightly, “Perhaps not, but I could not live without you. I’m so proud of you John.” He whispered into his hair, “You were so strong and brave. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I did this for you. I’m back now, my love, and I’m not going anywhere – not unless you want me to...”

John closed his eyes and just kept his head on Sherlock’s chest, “Don’t you fucking dare.” He breathed and just felt the rise and fall of Sherlock’s chest.

~O~

A few hours passed and the two of them had finally made it back home to Baker Street. John could hardly look at Sherlock, he was fuming, but he also couldn’t stop holding Sherlock's hand. He had to assure himself that Sherlock was really here and that this was really happening.

As soon as John walked through the door, Claire ran over and wrapped her arms around him tightly. She sobbed into his neck and apologised over and over again. John assured her it was okay, but his voice was numb and filled with pain. It was clear he was going to need some time to recover and get over this, but Claire had no doubt in her mind that they would figure it out together. She pulled away from John and smiled tightly, “I’ll leave you two alone... I’ll come collect my stuff tomorrow.” She said quietly.

Sherlock and John both said their goodbyes and then they were alone in their flat. The tension was eating at both of them and John’s brain was running over a million possible things to say, and not say. One of which being that he didn’t think he would ever be standing in this room with Sherlock again, it had been so long since the last time Sherlock was here with him, he couldn’t tell if he was relieved or angrier.

He pursed his lips and slowly looked up at Sherlock, “You’ll take the guest bedroom.” He said dryly, because as much as he wanted to sleep with Sherlock, he honestly didn’t think his body could handle it.

Sherlock nodded once and smiled softly, “Right, of course. Is there–” He paused for a brief moment and took a breath before continuing on, “Is there anything you need?”

“Just some fucking sleep,” John mumbled and then dropped Sherlock's hand, he scrubbed his face and then walked into his bedroom without another word. Neither of them mentioned that it was only five in the afternoon, but Sherlock also imagined that John needed as much sleep as he could get, considering the last two years hadn’t treated him very well.

Sherlock gave him a weak goodbye before slowly walking up to the guest bedroom and trying to find sleep for himself. He was finally home, and he was no longer in danger... He was certain it was going to be the best sleep he had had in a long time.

~O~

John laid in bed and just stared up at the ceiling. He tried to sleep, but it wasn’t coming to him. He groaned bitterly and narrowed his eyes up at the ceiling like he was personally offending him. It wasn’t, of course it wasn’t… it was a god damn ceiling. After about four hours of trying to fall asleep he sat up in bed and yanked on his shoes. He needed some air because this stuffy room wasn’t doing him any good, in fact, it made him feel like he was going to go even more mental than he already felt.

John walked to the living room and threw on his coat, Sherlock happened to be sitting on the couch working on something, John couldn’t be arsed to care what it was, but his presence didn’t do anything to help John at the moment. Sherlock was the cause of all his problems, and seeing him just reminded John of how real he was. He growled under his breath and then ran out of the flat without saying a word to the man in the living room.

Sherlock closed his eyes, but let John go. He knew John needed air and time to get through this and the fact that John was wearing the locket Sherlock gave back to him was a sign of hope, and Sherlock wasn’t about to let that go.

~O~

It was late, but John managed to find a flower shop that wasn’t closed yet. He had promised Sherlock so long ago that he would fix the garden and he never did… Then once Sherlock died he felt like it was pointless to do it. He was angry with Sherlock for committing suicide and he didn’t want to do him any favours, but now that Sherlock was back it just felt like the right thing to do.

He bought as many flowers as he could push in a cart, because somehow he managed to convince the store manager to let him take the cart home. He paid for the many flowers he got and then started to make his way to Sherlock's old home, he supposed it used to be his old home as well. Many memories in that house – good and bad.

As he got to the house he just went around back. Mycroft was most likely in bed, or doing work, and he didn’t want to bother the man. He hadn’t seen him in years, and he didn’t think now would be the best of time to do so either. Especially since Sherlock's death left him just as broken as John.

Once he was in the back of the yard John set his flower on the ground and started planting them right away. It was weird in a sense because planting the flowers made him feel like he was slowly forgiving Sherlock, with each flower he planted he released some of his bottled up anger. He didn’t realise how much putting the garden back together could heal him. He also didn’t realise how much time went by, or that a man was standing behind him.

Mycroft cleared his throat and looked down at John, “Can I help you?”

John jolted at the voice cutting through the silence, however, once he saw it was Mycroft he relaxed greatly. “Oh, hi. I’m just fixing the garden Sherlock destroyed a couple of years ago.” He paused for a moment and then looked up at him, “After your mother passed away.” He said quietly and played with his hands. “I should probably get back now though… it’s later than I thought.” He cleared his throat and then stood up, brushing off the dirt on his jeans.

“Oh, please. Do come inside and have a cuppa first.” He hummed, smiling down at the boy with a smile John hadn’t quite seen on his face before. He couldn’t quite place it, but it made him feel extremely uncomfortable. Still, this was Mycroft he was talking about – the man who had saved his life all those years ago. He just nodded and then stood up as he followed him inside.

~O~

Mycroft walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea while John sat down on the couch. He looked around the room and took a breath, everything was different, but also so much the same. He figured that Mycroft couldn’t stand to have it look how it looked before, but also couldn’t stand to have it look any different than how it was. He couldn’t blame him; he couldn’t even change the flat after Sherlock died! He supposed it was a good thing looking back now, considering that Sherlock came back. He couldn’t imagine if he had gotten rid of Sherlock's stuff only for him to come back to nothing.

John figured he should probably also tell Mycroft about Sherlock, but it wasn’t his place. Plus, he had a sneaking suspicion Mycroft would kill Sherlock once he found out and as much as John was angry, he did not want the man dead now that he had come back.

John continued to sit there until Mycroft came back with two steaming hot cups of tea, “Hopefully, you still take it the same way.” Mycroft said as he handed him the mug.

John shrugged slightly, “More or less, I’m sure it’s fine though.” He said softly and sipped at it. It was an extremely satisfying cup of tea. He couldn’t place it, but it just made him feel warm and loose. Not to mention that it tasted so good to him, he figured it was probably because this was the end of all the pain and anguish. Sherlock was back and they were going to get through anything, his body was finally letting him relax and enjoy the simple things in life.

However, after a while his head started to feel extremely heavy. He couldn’t even keep it up on his own, and all his limbs felt like rocks. After several moments of struggling his head fell back and hit the back of the couch. His fingers let go of the cup of tea, shattering it all over the floor.

Mycroft sighed, “Pity, I was hoping you would finish drinking that before you dropped it.” He sighed and went to clean up the mess. It was the last thing he saw before everything went black.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SO SO SORRY BUT IT HAD TO HAPPEN. POOR JOHN I JUST WANT TO CRY. He is my baby and i'm not protecting him. ;-;
> 
> jOkE oF tHe ChApTeR:
> 
> Knock knock  
> Who's there?  
> Justin.  
> Justin who?  
> You're justin time to wipe my ass (;
> 
> Okay but i found this one... like who the fuck is going to answer the knock knock joke like that???
> 
> Knock Knock  
> Who's there?  
> Opportunity   
> Don't be silly-  
> Opportunity doesn't knock twice.
> 
> LIKE WHO WOULD SAY DONT BE SILLY. WHO WHO WHO. TELL ME!!
> 
> ALSO COMMENT, KUDOS, SUBSCRIBE, FOLLOW, DO FUCKING NOTHING? idk i just like comments. i'm a comment whoreeeeeee.


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